WWE Extreme Rules Predictions
Prediction time, everyone!
Kickoff: New Day vs Tyson Kidd & Cesaro.
Okay, the New Day should've been something special but as we all know, there's only 3 Black Wrestling Gimmicks out there
1. Funny Negro
2. Angry Black Man
3. Savage.
...okay so Wrestling isn't quite as progressive as it could be. New Day tried something different with the mildly stereotypical quasi-Baptist church style celebratory characters. Hey, it's better than a new Nation of Domination, after all (Shut up, it would've been awful and the only good thing to come out of the old Nation is the Rock so quit acting like it was this insanely mind blowing gimmick. It wasn't. It was Angry Black Team). The "WWE Universe" didn't quite take to the New Day because... well... it's largely full of smug smarks who scoff at anything that threatens to be even remotely "Kiddie" and nothing says Kiddie like clapping and positivity. I'm not saying New Day worked... just saying that we never really gave them a shot. So now they're Heels. Sorta. They're still positive... just... like... AGGRESSIVELY POSITIVE. GRRRRRRRR SMILE! I dunno. Meanwhile, on the other side, you've got the champs... Tyson and Antonio (Yes, he has a first name). They are a fantastic team who work really well together (The big swing paired with a drop kick? Magic. Peanut Butter and Fluff Magic). But in the end... this is basically a Heel/Heel title match. Kidd and Cesaro are Heels because their angle is that they're the Solid Workers who've been misused (a blatent appeal to Smarks since that's EXACTLY what people have been saying about them... see? WWE Listens to you.) so they do what they need to do to Win (and sometimes that means Natalie Neidhart gets to be used as a Prop. Progressive! *headdesk*). New Day... wants to make you clap and be happy. Fuck, I dunno. Anyway.. New Day needs to find an identity and they might end up solidifying one with the Straps...
New Day nabs the titles with a sneaky move like they pulled on the Luchas a few nights ago.
Boom. There's your Kickoff.
Chicago Street Fight with Dean Ambrose and Luke Harper: First off... it doesn't matter who wins this, someone's gonna get their fucking head kicked in. Dean's been putting everyone and their second cousin Over since the Shield split up and honestly? I'm getting a bit tired of the guy I crowned the "Modern Rowdy Roddy Piper" is basically a Jobber who happens to be Over as Hell. Honestly, what needs to happen is that this match needs to herald the return of the Hardcore division and you have these two as your bread and butter. Dean is a maniac, King of the Deathmatch. The man has done and will do ANYTHING to put on a good show. Look up his old matches when he was Jon Moxley. Luke Harper is such an unsung talent. He's got the look, he's got the power and he's believable. These two would run away with a new Hardcore division, giggling the whole way. That said, Dean needs a W. He needs it to build a little bit of momentum for himself... he's been Over this much and he can't buy a Win. Imagine what a single win in an exciting, entertaining Hardcore match would do for him? Luke's on a roll, he can take doing the Job.
Winner: Dean with the Win after a Spot that looks like it might have actually killed someone.
Divas Championship Match: Nikki Bella vs Naomi: Okay. this is a fight between two Divas whose Finishers reference "Sexy" Body parts (Really, WWE... you make it REALLY hard to justify as not being Immature to people sometimes). Nikki Nikki Nikki. She's... Improved? I mean... she can sell a bump.. sorta. I hate the Mean Girls act, I hate that stupid ball cap and quasi-baseball player look that she wears for some reason. I don't even UNDERSTAND The Fearless Nikki thing, she doesn't take chances like Lita or someone like that. She's not entertaining, she's not creative on the mic, She has all of 3 moves... including the (Gods help me) "Rack Attack" (ugh). Meanwhile... Naomi is Athletic, Charismatic and can sell in the ring. It's too bad she bumped off the Smark's current Darling (Now that AJ retired), Paige (the injury thing is so she can make a movie... Paige's taken worse bumps on BOTCHES). Naomi is good... what's keeping her from being great? Two Words, friends... .Rear. View. By Odin's ball sweat can we give the black woman a worse finisher? "Black Ladies got big booties, right?". She needs a finisher that actually looks like it Finishes! Anyway... I want Nikki to be done with Wrestling like she apparently hinted at on the Total Divas finale (...Trish watches it, fuck you).
Winner: Naomi with a brand new finishing move (But probably not)... though more likely Naomi after somehow reversing the Rack Attack into the Rear View
Shaemus vs Dolph Ziggler in a... SERIOUSLY? oh we're fucked... "Kiss My Arse" match. (Uggggggggggggggggggh): Dolph is... well Ziggy's a fun, hard working son of a bitch who ended up the Hero of Survivor Series and then... *SHRUGS!* Nothing much, really! Some solid matches with Smark Jesus but other than that? The have done absolutely nothing with him since. Shaemus is back and THIS is the Shaemus I always envisioned. He's arrogant, he doesn't give a fuck about you or your opinions. He's going to kick your fucking head in. Problem with this match is the stipulation. "Kiss my Arse" Matches might as well be "Loser Leaves Town" matches because they Bury someone faster than Triple H Buried Booker T in '03. If Shaemus loses this... he loses EVERYTHING he's done in the past few weeks. If Ziggler loses? Maybe he can still retain some credibility, maybe he leaves the WWE like people have been speculating based on some Tweets. Who knows. All I know is, Shaemus can't lose this bout or he's DOA.
Winner: Shaemus after a third Brogue Kick outa Nowhere.
Roman Reigns vs The Big Show. This is just the WWE Backpedaling and trying to legitimize Reigns to the dwindling but vocal Reigns Haters. Thing is... He already *had* a rivalry with the Big Show. We've done this dance. It was boring the first time because Big Show gets gassed so quickly that this match might have a mandatory nap break in the middle. Reigns deserves a better Rival than the Big Show. This is an easy call.. Knockout Punch connects, Reigns is down for a 9 count and gets up while Show is yelling at him to stay down. Show slaps that big ass paw around Roman's neck to go for the Choke Slam... Reigns reverses it into an Irish Whip, drops Show with the Samoan Drop, then Superman Punch into a Spear and Show stays down for the Count.
Winner: Roman Reigns because his Tank is larger
Smark Jesus vs Bad News Barret. Well since Bryan's not even in Chicago right now? Uh...
Wade comes out and cuts a promo about Daniel Bryan being hurt AGAIN (Seriously, Titles are just bad luck for this guy) and gets the Ref to start the count. Ref gets to 9 and then suddenly Smark Jesus suddenly bursts out from under the ring, running High Knee on Barret. 1-2-3 and then he's pulled into the sky on a beam of light while a neckbearded douche says "This is my Beloved Son... Listen To him" and D Bry vanishes in a flash of light.
Winner: Daniel Bryan due to Divine Intervention.
UPDATE: Daniel Bryan isn't competing... so BNB is taking on the Man that Gravity Forgot, Neville. They've been handling Neville's main roster Debut pretty well so far and this could be another chance for him to look like a solid, entertaining worker. Nothing big to say about it, BNB deserves better than to Job because his opponent is hurt... again... but that's the way it is.
Winner: Us. It'll be a solid match (And you don't even need the network to watch it! The network's free this month anyway so you could watch it on there anyway but whatever!) because BNB is a GREAT Brawler and Neville is... I dunno... a Wizard or something. He's gonna hit that Red Arrow and get the 1-2-3 after a relatively short, if spot filled match... but... you know what?
Winner: Barret's gonna squash the FUCK out of him because he's pissed off, leading into a Rivalry between the two....
John Cena vs Rusev in a Russian Chain Match: I love strap matches. We don't get enough of them anymore. Cena's honestly been doing an amazing job as US Champion, I love the US Open Challenge and I LOVED the interaction with Dean Ambrose after their match. "I'm coming for that..." "~Shakes Dean's hand~ I'll be waiting for you". Awesome. Classy even. Rusev? Okay... I've NEVER Been a Rusev fan. I don't like the Ivan Drago angle, I don't like the fact that he mugs like Jim Carey hopped up on X doing Kabuki Theater, I don't like the TERRIBLE Faces he makes when he uses the Camel Clu- ACCOLADE... sorry, it's the Accolade now. Just like the Famouser instead of FameASSer. Anyway... Rusev's a solid worker and an absolute BEAST... but he needs tinkering. John Cena is a Legit US Champ right now while Rusev used it as a "I'M NOT FROM HERE! I HAVE MY OWN CULTURE! LOOK AT MY CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY PASSPORT" angle. I mean... what ever happened to the Russian Star medal and his Mancrush on Putin? Ugh. Anyway...
Winner: Cena after he uses the chain in another "Not quite" STF to knock Rusev out and then touch the corners, Rusev waking up for the last one so Cena gets to do that last ditch, desperation leap
Seth Rollins vs Randy Orton for the WWE Title. In a Cage. RKO Banned. And a Partridge in a Pear Tree. Okay, to say that Randy and Seth work well together is like saying that Fluff is tasty in a sandwich when paired with peanut butter. OF COURSE IT IS. Randy is on a HOT Streak with this Tweener angle and I. am. LOVING it. He's not gonna win tonight but it'll be a HELL of a match! Seth cashed in last month and they need to build him up to being a legitimate threat so when Brock comes back... you believe that he might not get EATEN on live TV. It won't be hard for him. He's a talented worker (dude Moonsaulted off a fat guy once. Seriously. Look it up. "Tyler Black Fat Guy Moonsault". I'll wait... awesome, right? Moving on) and a skilled man on the mic. This Feud is beautiful but it must end. Kane is the only part of this I really dislike. They just keep wanting us to remember the time that Kane was the unstoppable Monster Heel. He's not anymore... He should wrestle as much as HHH. Okay... bad example... but he's one of the final holdouts of the Attitude Era and... I know this is gonna be controversial but. ~AHEM~
THE ATTITUDE ERA.... WAS JUST OKAY.
THE WWE HAS DONE BETTER STUFF SINCE.
Okay, we can fight about that later... back to the Match.
Anyway. Kane's the Doorkeeper so they want us to think he's a Trump Card... they've been teasing a break away from the Authority for a few weeks now aaaand? It's not gonna happen. He'll slam the door on Seth for the lulz a couple times but in the end... he'll do the same thing to Randy. It's gonna come down to Randy actually pulling out the Punt Kick out of desperation... with Seth on the mat, he's gonna head to the Door... Kane's gonna open it just enough but then slam it hard on his head as he ducks between the ropes. Randy stumbles back and Seth's there to hit him with his New Finisher (or maybe even the Curb Stomp because the announcement that it was banned was a smokescreen) and then hits the 1-2-3 to show that he doesn't need to run from Randy.
Winner: Seth Rollins with a Clean Pin
How do you think I Did? Anything I miss?
