#wscdiary

we played Cards Against Humanity today, feelings were projected.

so, its been a hella long time since I would actually take the time to write a long essay of me bitchin about my life, but i'm back. September..October..November..45 days till Christmas or some sort. Days just fly by pretty darn quick and honestly I have no idea what I've been doing. All I know is days always end with 12am sobs and unstable sleeping habits. The reoccuring phenomenon of me waking up at every hour of the night has been draining the life out of me. And it just keeps happening, I just jolt awake, as if I was close to..dying? If there's one word to describe how I feel right now, it would be somewhere in between dead and lost. I'm not sure if it's because of the change of weather, but this feeling always comes back to me whenever leaves start to fall and the air is just a little bit cooler. Not sure if it's just "teenage angst" or something what my mom calls "not normal". But this feeling always seems to drain the life out of me. I'm tired - but physically and mentally. But I just keep doing what I do, saying what I say & I really don't get how can I always overwork myself. I always forget to give time to myself I suppose, it's my fault? Always trying to put others before me - as if I've done a great job being there for others lately. This whole entry is a mess, my brain is just scattered into different places, thinking of different things. So, sorry if anyone is confused reading this. Anyway continuing on. My self image has drastically decreased. I really don't like me. As in, really super duper uper, don't like me. It's kinda sad to be honest, as this is the figure of look that I'm given and for the past 16 years I'm still trying to deal with this face, this body. Okay, I'm going to be very honest, I like hugs okay I do. But I don't like it when people hug me, I feel, big. And its, ugh , I just feel really disgusting and its hard to explain. Be positive. Something I often remind myself to do, but in the current life I'm in, its kind of hard to not worry or be anxious over anything. And I feel bad for myself every single time I can't live up to a certain standard. Am I dead? It feels like it. I feel like I am walking on this earth, but the purpose is gone. I don't know, I really don't know. But I hope I do someday. Cause I'd like to be my old self again but I'm still trying to find it.