#writtenworkshop

( oh, that includes me too, i'm a good folk, ha )

...are looking to review and/or critique your poetry.

if you want assistance, editing help, various suggestions, or even just a bit (a lot? the opposite?) of praise? head on over.

That’s the way to start this, right? I promised you all an application process as there have been a lot of inquiries to fill the position left behind by Uschi.

If you are interested in becoming a member of WrittenWorkshop and would like to offer daily constructive criticism for writers in need, please follow 

THIS LINK

and fill out the application. When you’re done, message me ( @foreveratlas ) and I will look over your application. This wont be a fast process, but hopefully we will have chosen someone by the end of the week. Thanks for all of your patience with us! 

trails of laughter braid your golden hair

sunlight falling on crisp pines, laying out a path

I wonder where it leads, if wolves will howl at the cold blue moon that

refuses to die in the dim misty hazy of fog

you are the darkness that promises to soar, converted in tiny prickles of cold and ice

and I am a plant, growing bigger taller in your absence as sunlight spills over

into my cup of glass. half empty, or half full?

time seems to freeze, a victim of the sun bearing down

on the Earth that has stopped revolving as cold metal

flies around us, restraining, restraining, never letting go

am I the villan, or just a victim? have I left my cold breath to reassure

the broken-hearted?

@poetryspillingforth

____

Our Critique

@reinventing-wednesday response:

I like the unsure feeling of this piece. There’s conviction in it, but also a lot of questions. It’s vivid and has some really great lines. One thing I would suggest is not ending a line with a conjunction. It’s jarring in the way to causes you to pause, and the next line loses the strength that it would have. You can often do away with using “that”. Thanks for submitting! Keep it up!

@renegadegirl13 response :

Your poem needs more punctuation. Be aware of the run on sentence. Punctuation tells the reader where you want him/her to pause and showing them where will ensure that your intended meaning gets across. Also the line with the “cup of glass” is confusing. Is the cup made of glass? If it is, then it’s a glass not a cup. This line seems to not fit with your imagery. I’d remove it. You could simply state, “as sunlight spills over me.” As well, the line “as cold metal flies around us” does not make sense to me. It could also be removed and your piece would still make sense. I love your imagery and the first line is magical for me. This phrase I love, “growing bigger taller in your absence” Thanks for sharing with us and keep on writing!

@uschi-the-listener response:

I love the sensory information in this piece! Color, sound, feel. I get a swirling mental image of color and fresh outdoors. I’m wondering if you meant “haze” instead of “hazy,” which works better rhythmically as well as grammatically. Clarify your intention, because though I love the shifting, kaleidoscopic vision here, you’re leaving the reader stranded. I suggest maybe another brief few lines resolving some of what you’ve started here. I want to see more! Trust your readers more and let us know a little more about which way you’re leaning. Thanks for submitting and keep coming back!

@foreveratlas response:

feels like half a decade

my memories fade

into pale polaroids

what once were

now destroyed

to be forgotten

won’t think of

you often

good

bye

@mileen

One on One with @reinventing-wednesday

_______________________________

Revised piece:

50 days after you

feels like half a decade

-my memories fade

into pale Polaroids

—

what once was-

now destroyed

to be forgotten

—

won’t think of

you often

good

bye.

----------------------------

I want to dream

The dreams

Of all the best people,

Who know the wisdoms of the world,

The freedom of the freest,

And the lies

Of the living.

.

I want to hear of the worst hatreds,

And not feel so alone.

.

I want to give what I’ve gotten,

But I haven’t any yet.

.

I want to yearn like the young ones,

Pure in every passion.

.

But to sing a song of solitude 

Would be my greatest sin,

For somewhere in this great wide world,

I have some type

Of kin

@a-yawp-so-barbaric

______

Our Critique

@foreveratlas response:

Man, it's a bit hard to find something in the piece to focus on because it "feels" really polished already. I really love the sense of desire you've got going on throughout. The repetition of "I want" at the beginning of the First and Body stanzas feels deliberate and well timed. Even how you have your line breaks set up feels solid. Like I said, this is tough for me, because you wrote a pretty great piece here from the get-go.

If I could find something-- anything-- to improve it would be capitalization at the beginning of every line and the favoritism of commas. Throw some Emily Dickenson in there and add some long dashes at the end of a thought. It makes the reader drop to the next line with more urgency in some cases, and still keeps the original thought in place.

I had to dig for that, really. Everyone else may have a few things they can pick out, but really I am just impressed. Good job, and let us know how you decide to tweak it.

@reinventing-wednesday response:

I agree 100% with @foreveratlas. This feels finished, other than the few things that were mentioned. I really like the idea of adding in the dashes, as well as the capitalization that he talked about. 

Excellent submission, keep it up!

Extra Note

I try so hard to help you

but just as I’m about to grasp your hand

our fingertips briefly kissing in desperation

you slip.

Deeper and deeper into the chasm you fall

as the darkness envelops you

a fair-weathered friend to cushion your impact

only to disappear as you become acquainted. 

I can hear your silent screams

that emit from your horrified mouth

which forms a perfect circle of gentle surprise

though the calmness of the rest of your face

betrays exactly how many times you’ve gone through this routine of falling.

My piercing screams are less subtle

loud only in a room filled with thousands of chatting people

because this routine of yours

is a heartbreaking tragedy to me

that which I refuse to become accustomed.

Your screams

though the discord to our harmony

remind both of us you’re still falling

anticipating the welcoming ledge below with wide arms

that’s going to break your fall

but it’s there I’ll be waiting with even wider arms

to carry you back to the top

each grueling step.

I promise.

(Group Critique // Thank you!)

@love-is-overrated-and-addicting

__________________________

Our Critique

@cruxymox response:

for me, ‘a promise’ touches upon an important topic - how those who are close to one who has depression may feel and react. the poet succeeds in conveying that sense of frustration.

read out loud, the poem flows very well, and the ending is strong.

that being said, there is a major issue. while the overall theme is tight, the specifics feel scattered, and i think it comes across that way because the narrator is physically ungrounded.

first, we are at the top of the chasm. then, we are cushioning the impact at the bottom. we then hear the subject’s screaming. next we ourselves are screaming in a loud room (what room and where did the chasm go?). finally, we are back at the chasm, with the ledge.

obviously, the poet does not intend the above physicalities to be literal, but something needs to be done to tie it all together in regards to location and chronology. (i might not cut the room out altogether - the concept fits in very well with the general theme.)

a few minor notes:

while i don’t know how common the concept of ‘kissing fingertips’ is, i quite enjoyed seeing that.

a “fair weather friend” would be the one that abandons others during hard times, not the one to comfort.

“chatting” is the only word i found to be a bit jarring when i read the poem out loud.

“though the discord” - should it be ‘though’ or ‘through’?

i like the ‘horrified mouth / gentle surprise’, screaming vs. calm contradictions. they make total sense.

thank you for this.

@reinventing-wednesday response:

I agree with @cruxymox with the lines about ‘kissing fingertips’ and horrified mouth / gentle surprise’. I like the uniqueness of the concept of fingertips kissing, and enjoyed the contrast of screaming vs calm contradictions that he mentions.

This reads too long for me, I would consider condensing it, or maybe revising it into a prose piece. It can work as a longer poem, but it needs to be constructed so the reader knows where they are when they are reading the poem. As cruxy mentioned, it goes from being at the top of the chasm, to the bottom, then screaming, and so on. Try revising the lines themselves and placing them in a chronological order. Reading it out loud helps with line breaks, some of them end abruptly and it throws off the meter of the poem. If you do keep this as a poem, break it up with stanzas to wrap it up a bit. That can make lines have more of an impact, and the extra pause allows the reader time to process before moving on. 

I would replace the use of ‘fair weather friend’, I don’t know why but this tripped me up when I read it. Omitting that line and the next would help with the flow, or changing it up a bit would help too. I also think the word ‘chatting’ doesn’t fit right. It doesn’t match the maturity in this piece.

I would love to see this more as a prose piece. It feels like there is so much more that you wanted to say, so much more detail that could have been provided if it wasn’t in poem format. 

Thanks for submitting, and please do so again!

@renegadegirl13 response:

I can't say very much outside of repeating what the others did. Here are my thoughts: When I first scanned this piece, I felt it overwhelmed as a poem. A prose piece would be more fitting. Your use of fair weather friend is appropriate, once the next line is read. Then later, you are there to cushion the fall... Where is the continuity? The imagery is good, though a bit scattered. Your lines are too "run-on for poetry and lack punctuation. Try re-reworking this using the suggestions provided. Thanks for sharing.

@foreveratlas response:

I enjoyed the imagery here a lot, and you have a lot of solid, visual lines. You've patented beautiful, thought provoking imagery in this and that should be celebrated.

Lets touch on one thing: punctuation. This piece needs punctuation. Breaks in lines tell readers where to pause but it does not tell readers how you want them to pause. A comma, a long dash, periods-- punctuation is necessary to drive the emphasis of your emotions across. If you dont utilize dashes and commas besides just periods, your piece looks like one long run-on sentence. And that is not what you want. Because of that, I feel like 90% of your issues with this poem would be resolved.

As it is, because of how much emphasis you have put into descriptions, Less is More may not work for you. Agreeing with others, this should either be a Long Line Poem (look into C.K. Williams) or it needs to be prose, plain and simple. You do have a sense of scattering about the piece and at times it does feel like I'm reading more than one poem here. Consider omitting lines or phrases that dont drive the emotional context home.

And that's another thing-- I'm not emotionally drawn into this. There is no AHA moment or a "but" moment to give it clarity that the reader can relate to. You have all these beautiful lines filled with imagery but it's unsettled and unpersonable.

I’ve been watching

Autumn conduct

On a passing breeze.

Notes like leaves,

Dangling melodies,

Falling dead beats.

Wanting ghosts,

Wailing at the Earth,

Long slow songs.

A woman stops to listen.

But her hat grabs a gust.

The dead rattle louder,

Now swirling with life,

At her wardrobe’s willing attempt,

A new percussionist, ascends.

Smashing!

Chaos!

Until, for a few seconds

They descend together

In harrowed harmony

Dispersed on the ground.

The orchestra leaves.

@ericthbrd

___________

Our Critique

@renegadegirl13 response:

Wow, a lot of wonderful imagery here. I would drop “I’ve been watching”; it’s unnecessary. I’d like to see clarification on the word “conduct”. I did not know what that word meant until I read further. Perhaps something like this : “Autumn conducts symphony// a passing breeze.” I also liked the women’s hat blowing away, but she seems superfluous. She adds little value to the poem. Focus on the lovely fall imagery instead. People are not needed; we assume someone is watching this lovely experience. I love this piece. Thanks for sharing with us.

@reinventing-wednesday response:

I really like the descriptions you use in this. It captures the feeling of fall quite nicely. 

I agree with @renegadegirl13 removing the line “I’ve been watching”, and would consider swapping the word conduct, or if you removed the part about the woman’s hat it would tie in better with the last line being “an orchestra of leaves”. BUT please keep the line: “ The dead rattle louder “, it’s killer.

I would also consider breaking this up into stanzas instead of one long piece. I know that’s harder to do now since tumblr broke the damn line breaks on mobile, but adding a character between stanzas is something I do to account for that. For example it may look something like this:

I’ve been watching

Autumn conduct

On a passing breeze.

Notes like leaves,

Dangling melodies,

Falling dead beats.

//

Wanting ghosts,

Wailing at the Earth,

Long slow songs.

I would remove the capitalization of each line unless it’s a proper noun. That’s just a personal preference of mine, though. I know many who write that way, and they are glorious at what they do. The line breaks in this are solid, but reading it out loud may give you a different idea of where they should be. That’s a tip I always give. If it sounds different when you read it, change it. 

I’ve rambled on more than I intended to. I really enjoyed reading this, I find it beautiful, with an ominous tone to it. Great work, keep on writing!

@cruxymox response:

so, yes, i enjoyed this quite a bit as well. as reinventing-wednesday said, beautiful. ominous.

i actually liked the use of the word 'conduct' in this. it fit, & gave us further to think about after reading the poem. autumn is a form of music, yes, but how does it behave - or how do we behave in this season?

'A woman stops...': i would change the period to a comma.

the line breaking here, in my opinion, needs redoing. the way it is broken up feels like it is done so to even out the margins, or just at the punctuation.

there are multiple ways one could do this. play around with them a bit. start by removing all of them, walk away from the piece for a time, then come back to it.

overall, well done. i'll be interested to see how this ends up.

@foreveratlas response:

I enjoy the imagery you have going throughout this piece. Its vivid, alarming, soothing, and so many shades in between. It has a presense of "Pay attention!" And in a poem that uses Fall as a metaphor for a symphony, that only helps you.

That being said, you want to jar your reader and make them more focused on the idea of sound as you have a lot of descriptive sound words. But you're holding them back by using their ING forms. Watching, dangling, falling, wanting, wailing, swirling, willing, smashing--- these are all great descriptive words in their own right, but you're over using the ING making them all passive rather than progressive. Consider changing the words entirely to emphasize more on the attention and sound without sacrificing the power.

I think its been mentioned before, but try to avoid capitalizing the first letter of every line unless it's a proper noun or the start of a sentence. Consider cutting out some punctuation and replacing them with long dashes for the sake of style and flow too. Also, try removing article words, such as A, An, and The as well. It will streamline the point you're trying to make and add more power to your lines.

Another thing I noticed is that you started the poem with a personal pronoun: I've been watching. That's the only time you mention yourself. Either add another line with a throwback to you further into the poem for more emotional clarity, or remove the line and make "Autumn conduct(s)" your first line, as that on its own is solid and straightforward.

in your eyes i see

celestial bodies;

clusters and voids.

behind your lips

ancient ruins;

weathering but standing.

the tips of your fingers,

the roots of a archaic tree.

seas and oceans;

ebb and flow

raging in your bruises.

in your head

hurricanes ravaging;

cyclones and storms.

the velvety night sky

in your dreams of morrow.

and cascading sunlight of day

illuminate your thoughts.

you are time and space,

and i’m but a traveler.

@thebloomingbrunette

One on One with @foreveratlas

_____________

Final revision by @thebloomingbrunette :

orienting existence

in your eyes

celestial bodies--

clusters and voids.

behind your lips

ancient ruins--

weather, stand,

those tips of your fingers,

these roots of archaic trees.

seas and oceans--

ebb and flow

raging in your bruises.

in your head

hurricanes ravage--

cyclones, storms,

the velvety night sky

in your dreams of morrow.

cascade sunlight

illuminate my thoughts.

you are time and space--