Fair assessment of my general state of being as of late. This month. Year. Life stage. Y’know. Just trudging along with a hot thermos of flavored mint tea, sleepy blinks, and the occasional energy outburst. But the dust is officially starting to settle after a year plus of work/med struggles, a happy job switch, & a dramatic 4 month cross-state+house move, so hey!
Haven’t written in months, though.
Not from a lack of interest. I thought that may be it, but tries at other fandoms and stories didn’t end up much better after short energy bursts. Just got more bunnies crying for food out of it.
No, I just haven’t had the time or the energy, and what time or energy I do have, I don’t feel I can spend on writing. I’ve been trying to take better care of myself & falling back into writing seems too costly, too much an obligation.
Which is odd, isn’t it?
I realize now I’ve been falling into the trap of thinking of my stories as projects, with expectations. Like I need to write x amount of words in a sitting to be ‘successful’ and like I need to behave a certain way in publishing, avoid being erratic and polish drafts 3-4 times and such. And worse, I’ve let perennial fears of content backlash stifle what urge I have had to write.
That’s silly. And goes to show the good in keeping fic!writing as a ‘hobby’ in my mind, and not comparing myself to others’ capabilities or prioritizing reader reaction over my desires. They’re such givens, and yet there’s a reason it bears repeating.
But, anyways.
Most of this came from an old friend sharing a sweet musing on one of my stories, and me realizing I’ve been sitting on drafts for way too long due to invented concerns & expectations.
Still deciding what & when to do something with them, but. Some fan-writing philosophy food for thought, if you like.
But again, not dead yet. And in a very holy state of mind.
