#writewithjaycee

You are a collection of stars

Built into a constellation

Of absolute wonder.

Humbly, I ask

To be your knight

Decked out in silver armor

That would glisten in the light

I reach for the stars

To capture a thousand

Along with the moon

To gift to you.

But you're not grateful.

Not thankful.

Not proud.

You just sit there

Amongst the garnered treasures

Spiteful.

And I can't help but wonder

How I grew to love you

I'm lying

Down in the coarse blankets

Placed upon my bed.

I'm shaking,

Fearful of the end

Of all things

Because I think

I will die

From hyperventilating

And being incapable

Of delivering

Oxygen to the depths of my brain.

But you are here

Beside me.

I'm gripping your hand

In mine,

Holding on for dear life.

You tell me

To breathe,

To count,

To focus

On you.

And I do,

While begging

My ever beating heart

To steady itself.

And as it does,

I know it's the end

Of the temporary

You storm into my room,

Watchdogs at the ready.

And a desperate

"Wait"

Falls from my bitten, chapped lips.

We're sitting in a meadow

Flowers tucked neatly behind our ears.

I look at you,

And I really notice you

In your entirety:

Your skin is glowing, radiating,

Beyond belief.

I think it's the body glitter you use.

But it's more than that

I think

It's the warmth of your skin,

The happiness within.

I say some stupid joke

I'm too lost in your smile

To remember it now

But I will never forget

The way you throw your head back

Laughing

Under the heat of the sun

And I will always remember

That feeling

Of starting to fall in love with you,

Of leaping into the unknown

With only fate encouraging me

Lifting me higher and higher.

I breathe in your scent,

Toxic, like cigarette smoke.

I exhale a cough.

I have blackened lungs,

From where I breathed in too deep.

I am addicted.

You exist for now,

A stain on my heart, my lungs.

I bloom in an array of colors

Petals blossoming,

Plants growing

In every which way.

I am a garden of roses

Without thorns.

I let the world in.

And they step all over me

Crushing my petals.

They pluck my flowers

To use for pressed pages

In scrapbooks

Never to be looked at again.

I become useless and unwanted.

But then you come along

And tend to my garden

With a gentle caress.

You let me grow.

You let me feel loved.

You treat me like the eighth wonder

I like to think

I live my life in elegance:

A balance between all things,

Good and evil;

Chaotic and tranquil.

I have it all.

But secretly,

Behind closed doors,

You force me to live my life

In a series of contradictions:

Be assertive, be strong.

You're too tough, too commanding.

No one will love you

If you can't learn to be quiet, be still.

Too passive, too shy.

No one will love you

If you keep being a prude.

But what about me?

What about my love for myself?

What about how I see myself:

Strong, brave

Peace of mind, of body, of spirit.

You say it doesn't matter,

Well sir,

You don't matter.

You don't know me.

You don't love me as I am.