spilled ink

I'm lying

Down in the coarse blankets

Placed upon my bed.

I'm shaking,

Fearful of the end

Of all things

Because I think

I will die

From hyperventilating

And being incapable

Of delivering

Oxygen to the depths of my brain.

But you are here

Beside me.

I'm gripping your hand

In mine,

Holding on for dear life.

You tell me

To breathe,

To count,

To focus

On you.

And I do,

While begging

My ever beating heart

To steady itself.

And as it does,

I know it's the end

Of the temporary

It's a breezy, brisk autumn day

I can tell your a mess

Of nerves

As you walk over to me

And barely whisper

A shy hello.

And I can't help but smile

At just how adorable you are.

You ask me to the homecoming dance

And I say yes

You look up

For the first time

We make eye contact

And you smile.

And I'm a mess.

And the beginning of November

Becomes the beginning of us.

It's another February night

And we are a mess

Of entangled limbs

Wrapped in silk bedsheets

Whispering to each other

Honey sweet I love yous

Paired with soft kisses.

It's the warmest I've felt

In months.

It's a lazy day in April

And we are a mess

Sprawled out on a makeshift picnic blanket

Made out of a thick cotton quilt

We watch as the clouds drift by

Overhead

There's a plane flying a banner

That says I love you

And neither of us ordered it

But we both take it as a sign.

It's a hot, humid day in July

And we are a mess

Of watermelon juice dribbling

Down our chins

Collecting in our hands

In a sticky sweet sort-of way

I look at you and you look at me

And we break out in laughter

Loud cackling

And it's become an understanding

Between us

That this giggle fit

Means I love you

And your unique way

Of simply existing.

It's steadily approaching November

And we're a mess

Of pure joy

As we begin to celebrate

Our first year

Of messy

In this frosty December air

I'm standing in the doorway

And you're on my front porch

Because you refuse to come inside

Even though it's so cold, so frigid.

You look down at your feet

Shuffle them back and forth.

And I can't quite place the emotion

You're feeling,

The emotion that's been bottled up inside

Until it's inevitable explosion.

Shyness? Embarrassment? Fear?

I didn't know,

That is until you opened your mouth

And the words I didn't even know I was dreading

Fell from your icy blue lips.

You said you didn't love me,

Wasn't sure if you ever did.

You said you didn't want me

In your life.

And I do all it takes not to cry

But the memories of us

Are at the forefront of my brain

Flashing before me

In a montage

Tainted with sorrow.

The days we spent cooped up

In dingy, sketchy motel rooms

Fucking till nightfall.

The days we spent in the park

Watching the ducks swim

In the pond.

The nights we spent on the phone

Crying because you failed your chemistry final,

Or laughing because of some joke I made.

And I can't help but wonder if it was all an act,

Some big theatrical performance

We're sitting in a meadow

Flowers tucked neatly behind our ears.

I look at you,

And I really notice you

In your entirety:

Your skin is glowing, radiating,

Beyond belief.

I think it's the body glitter you use.

But it's more than that

I think

It's the warmth of your skin,

The happiness within.

I say some stupid joke

I'm too lost in your smile

To remember it now

But I will never forget

The way you throw your head back

Laughing

Under the heat of the sun

And I will always remember

That feeling

Of starting to fall in love with you,

Of leaping into the unknown

With only fate encouraging me

Lifting me higher and higher.

Broken and battered

By the words of many.

Too loud, too quiet;

Too much of their existence

Was bothersome and burdening

To the others.

But then he came along.

The one person

That opened the floodgates

For a relationship

Of love

With themselves.

He taught them it was okay

To simply be:

Be happy,

Be sad.

Be flawed,

Be perfect.

You wear your pride

Like you wear a crown:

All high and mighty.

Well I'm sory,

Your majesty,

If I don't obey direct orders

But I'm tired of your attitude

And you didn't earn my respect

Just by being born

You are the sunset,

So beautiful:

A mosaic of wonder.

And yet so fleeting.

A one night stand

Nothing more.

But I miss you

More than I have before.

And I text you good morning

But you don't reply

Until late at night,

You stand to greet me

And you pull me in close

Our bodies pressed together so tight

We meld into one.

You kiss me

Softly, tenderly

And my eyes flutter shut.

Everything becomes a blur

Of murmered, muffled sounds.

You make me feel every cliche:

I'm floating on cloud 9,

The only thing that grounds me

Is the spark ignited

By the force of our kiss,

The fireworks that explode

All around us.

Everything is surreal,

Almost dream-like.

And as we drift apart,

Slowly pulling away,

I wish

To feel more cliches,

To exist in more blurred moments

To kiss you again and again and again.

And so I do.

And we kiss a lot that day:

Languid, lazy kisses

With whispered hellos

As we pass by each other.

Passioned, pleasant kisses

With tender touch

As we make love.

Saddened, soft kisses

With a tightly gripped hug

As we say goodbye.

I bloom in an array of colors

Petals blossoming,

Plants growing

In every which way.

I am a garden of roses

Without thorns.

I let the world in.

And they step all over me

Crushing my petals.

They pluck my flowers

To use for pressed pages

In scrapbooks

Never to be looked at again.

I become useless and unwanted.

But then you come along

And tend to my garden

With a gentle caress.

You let me grow.

You let me feel loved.

You treat me like the eighth wonder

You are a collection of stars

Built into a constellation

Of absolute wonder.

Humbly, I ask

To be your knight

Decked out in silver armor

That would glisten in the light

TRIGGER WARNING: The following content is depressive and negative and discusses one account of being depressed. Please read at your own risk.

Dear Diary,

I've lost / all sense of hope, of joy, of being. / Left behind are shattered pieces of a heart / that once beat fondly / and the empty, hollow shell / of a person / that once was happy. / But I've long forgotten / what it means to have your heart flutter / or your breath catch / because you found something / so beautiful / it stops you in your tracks, / something so beautiful / you forget how to exist. / Apparently, there are things in this world that are so dangerous, / so harmful/ that you forget how to be: be happy, be sad, be alive. / And all that's there in the remains / of your existence / is the sensation of numbness / and the meaning of being alive but not quite living. / And that is what I have found / to replace what I have lost and forgotten.

From,

I built walls

Out of broken hearts

And battle scars

To keep people out,

Because people are cruel.

I used my walls

Like battle armor

The same way roses do

With their thorns.

Keeping out predators.

Keeping out you.

But you took your sledgehammer

And kept trying to knock down my walls.

And I had the courage to let you win,

To let you in,

And now I reap the rewards

With gentle, soft kisses

With languid, sleepy cuddles,

I like to think

I live my life in elegance:

A balance between all things,

Good and evil;

Chaotic and tranquil.

I have it all.

But secretly,

Behind closed doors,

You force me to live my life

In a series of contradictions:

Be assertive, be strong.

You're too tough, too commanding.

No one will love you

If you can't learn to be quiet, be still.

Too passive, too shy.

No one will love you

If you keep being a prude.

But what about me?

What about my love for myself?

What about how I see myself:

Strong, brave

Peace of mind, of body, of spirit.

You say it doesn't matter,

Well sir,

You don't matter.

You don't know me.

You don't love me as I am.

I'm crying, sobbing;

Shaking, convulsing.

I'm unable to breathe.

My heart is beating

So fast, so hard

I think

It's trying to break loose

From its cage.

But you walk over to me,

Calm, cool, collected.

You pull me in close

Wrap me up in your arms.

And guide my breathing.

And whisper calming words in my ear.

And I beg you,

Through my broken sobs,

To never let go

Because you are where I feel safe the most.

But you never listen,

Because soon enough you were gone.

Why did you go?

Why did you leave me?

Didn't you love me,

Put your records on,

I want to slow dance

To your favorite song.

Rock or pop:

The music doesn't matter

As long as we're close together.

Maybe I'll trip over your foot

And we'll laugh.

Maybe we'll kiss

And butterflies will swarm in our bellies.

Maybe we'll dance till the break of dawn

Either way I will remember this,

I will remember you,