#writetomyself

Cảm giác khi bạn nói những lời nói làm tổn thương người bên cạnh mình, bạn biết là bạn ganh tỵ với người ta nên trong suy nghĩ dẫn đến hành động lời nói cố tình nói móc họ. Nhg một khi lời nói đã cất bạn lại cảm thấy hối hận và căm ghét sự ngu dốt ích kỷ của bạn. Bạn thật sự rất mệt mỏi, bạn không thể tập trung làm bất cứ cái gì. Bạn thật ngu ngốc. Cái tôi bạn quá nhiều… #sendtomyself #writetomyheart #writetomyself #stupidpeople #1909 #monday

2016.8.20 高美濕地

It was extraordinarily astonishing to gaze through the immense sea lines, as though there was only the infinity of time and space occupying my attention.

With wind breezing restlessly and cloud stratifying naturally, I tried to sing out aloud without caring if the lyrics were sung correctly. It was no need to be embarrassed since no one actually cares about an awkward guy doing whatever he was doing. 

I felt a sheer relief every time I saw such a view. It was the immense sea which can truly soothe my suffering, my anger, or my grief. In addition to that, being accompanied with a true friend who can somehow strike into the core of my mental universe was what made the journey worthy of a visit.

It’s all about seizing the opportunity and cherishing every moment. Hadn’t we firmly decided to take the long ride despite the seem-to-rain dark clouds above our head, we would have been at a loss while wandering nowhere in the city.

Trying not to think too much about the loss and what had come and gone, I pictured the magnificence and inhaled the salty air, hoping one day my beloved one could possibly stand on my foothold and feel what I felt at the moment.

2016.8.14

於是，暑假也邁入倒數不到一個月了。

等了兩個禮拜，兩天前總算收到了通知，既期待又害怕受傷的心情卻在看到通知後，突然腦袋一片空白，面無表情地關掉手機畫面，對著車裡的後照鏡長長地嘆了口氣。

我依然還想像不到未來的模樣，我依然茫然且不知所措......

我知道我必須在同意書上簽名，本該是一個讓人振奮的過程，我卻感覺不到任何情緒。那天晚餐過後我在廚房洗碗，姑姑在一旁切著蘋果，笑著跟我說：「恭喜你，你是我們家的模範欸！」

模範嗎？

我當下默默說了聲謝謝，心裡卻很想對姑姑說，說我多希望妳的兒女們別像我一樣對自己想做的事情如此茫然無知，可以去追求屬於自己的榮耀！

隔天，當有甚麼在崩壞的時候，我發現原來人生來就是不停在重蹈覆轍，儘管有前車之鑑卻總是在事情發生之時渾然不覺，所有曾經還未癒合的疤痕都再次被同一把利刃戳入，痛的不是刺入血肉的瞬間，而是感染後直搗心臟的灼燒劇痛。

或許我很不善於溝通吧，或應該說是不知如何在溝通時放入自己的情緒，不管是說出口的或是沒能說出口的，都嘎然而止於無聲沉默中了。

甚麼都變得好模糊

2016.8.10 七夕情人節後的咖啡廳日常

昨天晚上，我失眠了，滿腦子都是Picarones，很想很想......

Picarones是一種在祕魯非常道地的小吃/甜點，外觀看起來似萎縮的甜甜圈，曾聽當地人說過好像是南瓜做的，卻嘗起來沒有半點南瓜味。真正的精華在於淋上特調的蜜糖之後的口感，入口酥脆而隨即融化在舌尖，那甜甜的滋味總會打轉許久不會褪去。

只需要20塊錢就能買到四塊Picarones，但吃完四塊之後總奢望能夠再吃更多，但我知道吃太多反而會失去它的味，凡事都該恰恰好收手才能體會到美好。

現實一種，回憶不可及，伊人在他方，聽不見也觸不及。

哪怕已經翻閱過無數次小宇宙，上演過幾百種劇本，都是一個夜晚之間的序曲與結局，

踢，躂，踢， 躂 .......

然後就醒了。

我想到了神。

神啊，倘若你真真實實地存在，我願意再次以我三寸不爛之舌嘮叨祢的不存在，只怕得不到回音，只怕已經有所妥協。

於是日子照樣過，時間依然在倒數，現實開口說話了：

「有一種東西叫做咖啡因，它在你身體裡面正哭泣著！」

2016.8.8 父親節

今年的暑假簡直熱壞了，大概七點的時候烈陽便會逐漸在我們的土地上加溫，好似威脅要把大家趕回室內冷氣房裡去，不然就會曬成肉乾。

有一日沒一日地，早上五點半起床了，眼皮依然沉重，睡魔抗議不滿五個小時的睡眠，自我意識在說服自己：「躺回去吧，今天不去運動也沒關係，待會九點再起來去游泳也罷！」

我半睡半醒地反駁：「九點多以後太熱了吧，要出門都嫌懶了......」

自我意識：「不如傍晚再去吧，你昨天就是這個時間去游泳的，太陽也和煦多了......」

我半睡半醒地吶喊：「沒錯！正是因為昨天去游泳過了，我今天肯定不會去的，還是等到晚上再找媽去附近學校走走路吧！」

自我意識：「......」

我自鳴得意，馬上翻了個身，側著身的舒服姿勢漸漸又把我拉回睡眠，在我一旁的大姊睡得正香，偶爾還發出幾聲低吟，恐怕又做了很長很長的夢吧。

自我意識突然開口了：「五點四十五，你老爸在樓下等你了，你打算怎樣？不如打個電話跟你老爸說你不去了吧。」

一瞬間我驚醒了，卻也大大的嘆了口氣，仍為自己睡不到五個小時而過意不去；自我意識此時也竊笑了幾聲，然後消失在我洗臉盆的水裡。

謝謝老爸這個暑假總帶上我這個「小師傅」在清晨五點半的時候去打網球。 (在球場，我爸的朋友總喜歡調侃他，說他帶了個小師傅，或者稱呼我為接班人，而我爸也會大聲回應『是啊，要單打否！』讓我走在後頭只能乾笑幾聲，略為尷尬)