#write through it

I just want to feel safe again. I want a new default. I just want you to look at me and see a normal girl again, even though I’ll never be normal again because this world is big and cruel. This world does what it can to tear its inhabitants apart day after day, even though they’re just doing what they can do to survive. Don’t you see that I’m seconds away from crumbling at your feet, from soaking the shirt that was yours in the tears and bile that are already waiting to surface? Maybe you’re blind to it, blind to the fact that I can’t breathe, that I am hurting; that I was hurting; that I’m still hurting. But you don’t think it’s your fault. Get some exercise, even though I’m underweight. Stop eating like that or you’ll be obese, when I haven’t eaten in three days. You can’t dress that way because your friends won’t want to be your friends anymore. But doesn’t that just mean that you won’t want to be with me anymore? Doesn’t that just mean that my mom won’t be my mom anymore? Doesn’t that mean that my life is yours and not mine?

I’m not sure when it started, but perhaps you’ve always been this way, nitpicking every inch of me, every move I make, every word I say. You need to be sure that I don’t stray from the careful path that has been laid for me. It doesn’t matter if I destroy myself following it, only that your imperfect daughter fits the perfect mold you locked her in all those years ago. Sometimes, I wonder if your mother did this to you, too, and I ask myself if she ruined you the way you ruined me. I still hold a place in my mind and heart for you, still save a sliver of my life for you, but it’s hard to reserve a spot that you keep taking yourself out of.

One day I’ll pack up that old car filled with everything I own. I’ll buckle my seatbelt and leave this town behind, disappearing little by little as I glace up at my rearview mirror. Because isn’t that what every kid in this town dreams for when they close their eyes? A break from this plastic coated place, a relief from the bullshit that’s shoved down our throats and into our minds, chains falling as they break from the strain of holding everyone back?

I always said I wouldn’t be that girl, the one who crumbles at the feet of others, but isn’t that the person they beat me into, day after day? I hold my head high as I walk through the flames, trying not to get burned, but each lick and sizzle tears me apart. These won’t go out on their own, not without an army. But you pushed them all away from me or made me believe I needed to shut them out. You made me doubt myself, doubt everyone around me, with your lies. I don’t know how I’ll be able to get back to the girl I was before. Maybe she’s gone forever, but I’d like to believe there’s still a sliver of her left inside of me. I like to hope that I can rebuild her someday, somewhere far away from here.

That I kicked a wall, knocking a picture to the floor

I was so grateful today

That I found my voice,

speaking from soul space in a conversation with someone who feels like soul family

my entire mood shifted

I was so stressed today

That I said "fuck" more times that I can count

I went to a class called spa yoga

And felt physically ill

And then wrote a few pieces that I fell in love with.

I went to open the door for a man with a walker who told me, thanks but he's got it as he pressed the auto-opener

He said to me as I walked on

"thank you for smiling"

**This pledge shall be rendered by facing the North Star with a fist in the air**

Writing for Healing

Many of us utilize self-expression as therapy in our every day lives--a way to unwind after a tough week or a way to show people our innermost thoughts and feelings. Self-expression in its many forms include, but are not limited to, music, art, film, poetry, and writing. It can also be a powerful tool to help heal in times of distress. When you are fighting a life-changing illness like cancer, or when your loved one has been diagnosed and you are imagining the long road of treatment that lies ahead, self-expression becomes a critical means to treat the mind, body, and spirit.

Write Through It will be a book by and for cancer survivors and their loved ones. The book will be a tutorial on how to implement expressive writing techniques into any treatment program. Studies have shown that expressive writing can help reduce stress-related doctor visits, lower blood pressure, and improve the immune system.

Write Through It will chronicle facilitated writing exercises where participants will be invited to share their thoughts and feelings. These participants will be guided through a variety of journaling techniques that will help them explore and then express their feelings. In addition, participants will be invited to submit writing samples to be used in the book. The end product will chronicle this project and invite readers to replicate the program for their own therapeutic means.