#writ.fiz

Out on the hexagon tiles of Chen’s arena, Jay felt a strange kind of aching in his chest. A tugging, sinking feeling. Like somewhere in his heart he didn’t want to be fighting Cole.

And he didn’t! Not like this. Sure, he was still mad about seeming to have lost Nya to him, but there seemed to be more to it than that. He had… small inklings, that his and Nya’s breaking up was due to grief, the toll Zane’s death had on all of them. The longer he thought about it, the more he figured it was mostly grief, the rest being dysfunction on his part. Losing Nya was his fault, Cole had nothing to do with it. But Jay wasn’t ready to face that, so he kept blaming Cole. 

But… he didn’t want to do this. He didn’t wanna fight him for the right to keep his powers, he didn’t wanna fight him to settle a score, he didn’t wanna fight him at all! Fessin’ hell, it was easier to hate him from a distance. Now, here? His heart kept aching for him. For… Cole.

Jay didn’t recall much of how the fight played out in the early beats. Just throwing earth and lightning around, and yelling at each other. Even when he was fighting with all he had, Cole seemed to have this hesitance about him. Nothing like when they were sparring, or when Jay watched him kick ass against a common enemy. Against him, Cole hesitated. And seemed to grow more agitated with every word out of Jay’s mouth.

Eventually he reached a breaking point. Cole looked mad, like right pissed, and he managed to get close enough to pull a stunt Jay never expected. This part he remembered vividly.

“Okay, fine. Fine!! You wanna know why I’m mad about this still, sparkmouth??? You REALLY wanna know?!” Cole shouted at Jay, having him backed practically against the wall with stalagmites on either side. Jay kept his fists up, not sure what Cole was about to do. Of course, there wasn’t much he could do when Cole outclassed him on a purely physical level. The earth ninja grabbed the front of his shirt and lifted Jay off his feet, slamming him into the wall. Jay yelped in surprise and pain, and for a second he caught sight of Cole’s glaring face, filled with a kind of meaning Jay wasn’t expecting. His breath would’ve hitched, if something else hadn’t happened not a moment later.

Cole kissed him. 

He fessin’ kissed him, and the kiss filled Jay’s senses all at once. Maybe it was the exertion they had both been doing but it was… warm, in a good way. Soft, too. Cole’s eyes were shut tight, while Jay’s were wide open, too shocked not to. A loop of WHAT WHAT WHAT kept playing in his brain, and he felt his whole face go red, all the way to his ears. The most jarring part of this was his desire to return it, to kiss back. I mean, sure, Jay may have had ridiculously strong feelings for Cole back during those couple of weeks when it was just them at the monastery! Sure, those feelings may have never actually subsided and he had to catch himself months later to stop staring at Cole when he was training in the courtyard and just looking - yknow. Hot. Sure, this moment being as confusing and fantastic as it was may have sprung those feelings back full force, and Jay really, really wanted to make out with this dumbass for like, another five minutes. Maybe so.

What was happening again? Oh yeah. Jay was being kissed, hard, by the guy he never got over. In the middle of an arena. Oh yeah, we’re supposed to be fighting. And people are seeing this. Oh hell, Kai and Lloyd are seeing this too!

Finally, Cole pulled back, still pinning Jay to the wall, and Jay sucked in a breath, realizing that he wasn’t even trying to breathe there. He glanced up at Cole after a second, absolutely bewildered, and was met with a red-faced gaze from a normally-stoic, suddenly embarrassed master of earth, staring back at him with so much meaning.

“That is why, Jay. That is why I’m still mad,” Cole said breathlessly. And despite the thousands of thoughts running through Jay’s head, one managed to slip out.

“Huh??? That doesn’t explain a thing!” Jay blurted out. Cole’s eyebrows shot up and he looked something like a deer in headlights, blinking at Jay and turning even redder.

“Uh-“ Cole choked out, like he was a little surprised that his kissing skills didn’t convey the meaning he wanted. He didn’t get the chance to say anything else, because a frustrated groan sounded from above them in the stands. Chen was clearly very upset with this turn of events, and Jay was subconsciously offended. Excuse you, we’re having a moment here!

“Ughhhhhhhh, you’re supposed to be fighting each other!!!!!” Chen smacked his chair buttons a bit and glared down at the pair of them. “Send in the Condrai Crushers! That will get them fighting again!”

A door opened up in the wall of the arena, and Cole promptly dropped Jay and whirled around, cursing under his breath. Jay landed on his feet, and was looking to where Cole was as two large vehicles rolled out into the pit, both outfitted with extremely sharp implements. Jay’s breath caught, and before he had a chance to react Cole grabbed him by the wrist and dashed away from them.

“Wh- Hey!” Jay protested, wrenching his arm out of Cole’s grip and running to keep pace with him. “This conversation isn’t over, boulderbrain! What the hell was that supposed to mean?!” Cole glanced at him, then groaned slightly, skidding to a stop and whirling around to face the crushers again, stamping hard on the tiles and kicking up a large rock at one of them. Then he turned and looked at Jay, brow half-furrowed.

“The reason I’m still mad with you is because you still think I’m trying to take Nya from you or some bullshit like that. Even after every master-damned hint I keep shoving in your face!” Despite the situation he let out a dry laugh and pushed hair out of his face. “It is honestly baffling how you can be so ridiculously, beautifully smart and also so stupid at the same time!”

“Huh???” Jay squeaked. “I- wha- beautifully smart???” Wow, way to go that THAT’S what we latch onto. He shook his head out to clear his ears, then heard the thrum of the motor of the other crusher, behind them and dove sideways into Cole, knocking them both to the center. Once there, he stood up and kept talking. “So you’re not...?”

“OF COURSE NOT!! Fuckin hell, Jay, I never had any interest in Nya like that! She’s my workout buddy, but that’s it!” Cole pushed his hair off his face again, and shook his head. Jay couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“B-but I thought- th-the soulmate machine-“

“Was a prototype, and a tourist trap kind of attraction and I don’t know why you trusted it! Seriously, I still don’t get how you trusted that thing over me.” Cole chucked another boulder at one of the crushers, flipping it over. He turned back to Jay with just this nervous smile that made Jay’s heart flutter. The lightning master stuttered, trying to figure it all out.

“So then- it was- wait, it was me? You’re in love with me?” Jay finally put the pieces together. Cole just lit up once Jay admitted he figured that out, a bright grin plastering onto his face, and then they jumped apart into spinjitzu to dodge before joining up again. Cole grabbed both of Jay’s shoulders and kept grinning, a frankly adorable look.

“YES! Jay, you stupid gorgeous bastard, yes it was you! It was you the whole time! Still is, actually!” Cole looked almost like he was gonna cry, cry happy tears at least. Jay looked rather flabbergasted.

 Admittedly, Jay was still figuring this out, because what???

The whole time? The whole time, when Jay thought Cole was interested in Nya, Cole was in love with… him? With Jay? It felt like something out of a cheesy rom-com. Or one of his daydreams. The fact that he had to make this realization while dodging out of the way of a very sharp vehicle did not help matters.

Jay was suddenly wrenched out of his thoughts when he realized the remaining crusher was coming right at them. He had to act fast, so he dashed at the wall, ran up and sprang off of it, landing behind the driver of that one. He then proceeded to fry the living daylights out of the driver, until he was incapacitated and the thing came to a stop, just in front of Cole.

Jay hopped off again and came right up to Cole, mind spinning. He may not have had everything together, but he did have something he needed to do, to at least tell him without telling him.

“Are you serious with this? Are you genuinely, actually serious about this, Cole?” About me? Jay didn’t add. He looked up into Cole’s eyes, trying to convey about the same meaning to him as he was earlier. Cole froze, for a second all deer-in-headlights again, but then nodded.

“Yes I mean it. I am seriously in love with you,” he said, with all the conviction in the world. Jay looked up at him, took a small breath, then popped up on his tiptoes and kissed him.

In all honesty, this kiss was far shorter than the earlier one. It was small, and sweet, and soft (fessin’ hell his lips were soft) but it got the point Jay wanted to make across, clear as day. He cupped Cole’s face for a short moment, then dropped back down to his feet and was met with a rather starstruck look from Cole, to which Jay couldn’t help but smile. He almost didn’t register the audience they were still before, offering an “awww”, before he heard it drowned out by the whining of Chen.

“... okay, good, glad we got that squared aWAY-“ Jay started to say, before the floor tile he was standing on suddenly dropped out from under him. He yelped, but was very quickly grabbed in a bear-hug by Cole, keeping him from plummeting. With a start, Jay realized the arena floor tiles were disappearing into a pit at a rapid rate. “Crap, Cole!! The Jade Blade!” He pointed up at the knife stuck into the top of the central pillar.

Cole seemed to be on the same wavelength as Jay again, and holy crap was that a feeling Jay missed. “Cmon!” Cole barked, grabbing Jay by the hand and starting to dash forward to the center pole again, hopping from tile to tile as they dropped. Jay tried for a second to ignore his heart fluttering again when Cole gripped his hand - jeez I’ve really got it bad - and instead yelped in fear when he let go for a fleeting moment and got cut off by the ever-increasing pit. Separated now.

Cole whipped around for a second, eyes full of worry. Jay frantically shook his head. “Go, go!” He yelled, and Cole hesitated another beat before turning back around and sprinting for the pillar, then climbing it, then-

Once the blade was pulled the tiles stopped falling. For a very short moment it went quiet. Then Jay caught sight of something hurtling to him and he caught it on instinct. And then he looked down at it in his hands and-

What?

The Jade Blade. It was the Jade Blade, and he was holding it. Jay’s eyes darted back up to see Cole at the top of the pillar, looking down at him with a look of determination.

“WINNER!” Chen’s voice rang out over the announcement but Jay wasn’t processing it, still looking at Cole. Cole gave me the win. Why? He knows what happens when he loses, and I lost! What is he-

“Jay it’s gonna be okay, you hear me? We’ll figure it out. I want you to keep going,” Cole spoke up, landing back on the arena floor several feet away. He looked pained, but he was smiling all the way through it. There was an ache in Jay’s chest again, for Cole. “You keep going, zaptrap, and you win this thing for both of us, okay?”

“Cole, I- wh- we can’t just leave it like this!” Jay found himself blurting, frantic and scared. This CANNOT be how this goes, I barely even got time to get into it! The whys, the since-whens, all of it!

“You’re gonna be alright, Jay! I’ll see you. I’ll see you on the other siIDE!” Cole’s last word was cut off, as he was suddenly dropped into the pit below the arena. 

Jay could’ve screamed because it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair that they didn’t have any time to talk about this. He wanted to talk, he wanted to tell him all these reasons why he was so hopelessly in love with him and for a brief moment he was scared he’d never get the chance, now.

Instead, he just found himself reaching for the spot where Cole fell, feeling tears pricking at his eyes as the door in the wall opened again and Chen’s men ushered him back through to the others.

Zane blinks like a deer in headlights, feeling his face go a bit hot from embarrassment. He glances down at the electric-blue, just-too-short-and-slightly-tight sweatshirt he’s wearing. “Er, yes. I... all my clothes are in the wash right now,” he deflects, flipping a page in his book absently.

Jay tilts his head. “They... shouldn’t be. Dude, I did the laundry this week. I’d know.”

Ah. Zane bites his lip and looks back down at his book. He hears Jay walk over, and then he’s sitting next to him, on the arm of the couch.

“I mean, you’re welcome to borrow my stuff anytime, you’re my boyfriend, of course,” Jay starts with a small chuckle, and Zane glances over to him from his book. “But... I mean, are you good? You never liked to wear stuff that didn’t fit before.”

Zane’s jaw clenches, subconsciously. Why is he doing this? Logically, he has perfectly fine clothes in his closet, and has no reason to be borrowing from Jay. “I’m fine. Just wanted a... change of style.”

He doesn’t want to get into the issues he has with his current wardrobe. They’re supposed to just be clothes, but... every time he glances at himself in the mirror in a stark-white outfit, he only sees that cruel, unfeeling facade he unwittingly wore for so long. That impossibly cold, icy, terrible side of Zane that didn’t care at all for so, so long, and he worries that if he looks too long he’ll slip back into-

“Zane?” Jay’s voice cuts through the curtain of Zane’s internal thoughts, and his eyes refocus on the other’s freckled face. “... are you sure you’re okay?” Jay gently places his hands over Zane’s on the book, and Zane realizes with a slight start that the book is coated in new frost emanating out of his hands. A reflexive response to Zane’s stress. It’s happened before.

“... I am fine,” Zane repeats stiffly, suddenly pulling away from his boyfriend and standing up. It’s been near a month since he returned from the Never-Realm, it shouldn’t bother him anymore. Jay doesn’t need to worry about him.

Jay looks up at him, clearly worried and a little hurt. “... alright. I’ll drop it.”

Zane nods silently. “... I’m going to start on breakfast,” he says, still feeling stiff.

Jay nods, pulling his knees up to his chest. “Alright. See you.”

Zane figures that will be the end of it. Jay doesn’t need to worry. None of them do.

-----

Zane hums lightly to himself as he prepares for the evening. Movie night was always relaxing, particularly when it was Cole’s choice. He tugs on his pajama shirt, almost ready. That’s when he catches sight of himself in the mirror.

It’s... just white pajamas. Barely even anywhere near what he had worn in the Never-Realm (he had notably thrown out that particular gi). But... he still feels colder the longer he looks at it.

His eyes stray to a large, black-and-orange band t-shirt on the bed. One of Cole’s. He scoops it up and slips it over his head, and looks back at his reflection.

Oh. There I am. Even just like that, Zane feels... warm again. The shirt is entirely too big on him, but he doesn’t mind. As an added bonus, it smells like Cole, which just takes his mind off the issue entirely. He’s Zane. Not the Ice Emperor.

“Zane, you co-” Cole starts, pushing the door to their room open, but trailing off once he sees Zane, who whips his head around, once again like a deer in headlights. Again, his face grows hot.

“Ah, sorry! I-I can take it off,” he starts in a nervous tone, already reaching for the bottom of the shirt. Cole puts up his hands and takes several steps in, soon enough coming to stand right next to Zane. He speaks up and his voice is soft.

“Woah, hey, easy, frosty. I’m not upset or nothin’.”  He sets his hands on Zane’s shoulders, and Zane gently lets go of the hem of the shirt, avoiding eye contact with his boyfriend. The fear of his own damn clothes feels... childish. They’re just clothes. But... they aren’t.

“I-I just...” Zane starts, but trails off, really not knowing how to deflect this. Cole tilts his head almost imperceptibly and moves his hand up to cup Zane’s cheek.

“I’m... really not upset, Zane. Jay... mentioned this. Is something on your mind?”

Zane sighs dejectedly, and leans into Cole’s hand slightly. “It’s... it’s rather insignificant.”

“Oh pshaw. It’s bothering you, it’s plenty significant.” Cole meets Zane’s eyes and tilts his head slightly more perceptibly. The concern is plain in his face.

Zane smiles weakly, in spite of it all. The smile drops once he finally starts talking about it. “Well...”

“... all I wore in that place was white.” Cole’s eyebrows go up, he can put together where Zane’s talking about. Zane keeps going, worried slightly that if he doesn’t he’ll never say it. “Even though it’s been a month or so, it’s... difficult, to look at my reflection when I’m wearing white again and not see... that version of myself staring back at me.” Zane’s hands shake slightly. “I thought that maybe dressing in something a bit... brighter, or at least darker, really anything but white, would... keep that feeling of cold away. That feeling of... being at the edge of becoming that version of myself again. I never want to be that version of myself again. Ever.”

“Oh, Zane...” Cole murmurs softly, gently pulling Zane’s shoulder in and wrapping his other arm around for a hug. Zane’s own arms find their way around Cole’s torso, and his head fits snugly in the crook of Cole’s neck. Cole speaks gently and rubs Zane’s back. “You aren’t gonna be that person anymore. Not while we have anything to say about it, okay? You know that. We’re all here now, and... you’re you. And you aren’t gonna slip back into that person, because we’ll be here, and we’ll pull you back. Because that’s what we do, we look out for each other. Always.”

Zane sighs, somewhere between relieved and cathartic. He melts into the hug slightly. “... thank you.” 

Cole hums affectionately, leans back slightly and kisses Zane’s forehead. “Anytime. And that goes for my clothes too, snowbird.” He smiles warmly at him and slips his hand over the other’s. “Now then... movie night?”

Zane returns the smile, bright and feeling far less conflicted. He squeezes Cole’s hand lightly, and fidgets with the hem of the shirt. 

“Movie night.”

-----

That evening, once the credits had rolled on that cheesy action film Cole had picked, Zane explained how he’d been feeling about his wardrobe to all three of them plainly. It was a quiet, emotional conversation in the dark, only illuminated by the faint light of a powered-but-black TV screen. But it felt... so great, to finally get all of it off his chest. And it felt equally great when all three of them adamantly supported this new coping mechanism, without a second thought. It was to help him with his recovery, after all.

A couple days later, Zane’s preparing for one of their little nights-out. He’s tried on several outfits in the past hour, but... none of them feel right. It’s on the fifth outfit where he finds himself freezing in front of the mirror, and looking at his reflection stiffly.

The pale outfit’s too... formal. Too similar to the posture, the style, the unfeeling stature of... that version of himself. He can’t look away. His hands start to shake again, not of his own accord.

And that’s when Kai appears in the mirror next to him. He scratches his chin, not saying a word, then steps away towards his closet, seemingly on a mission. It piques Zane’s curiosity enough for him to look away from his reflection and watch.

A moment later, Kai’s back, and he drapes a red letterman jacket - his red letterman jacket - over Zane’s shoulders, then looks at the reflection again. Zane hesitates for a moment, then slips his arms into the jacket properly. Kai smiles into the mirror, seemingly satisfied, and leans up to peck Zane’s cheek. “Looking good, babe.”

Zane blinks and looks into the mirror. Oh. There I am. Funny how just one article of clothing can fix his whole impression of himself. A smile cracks on his face, and he looks even more like himself. He glances over at Kai. “Thank you.”

Kai beams at him. “Of course. Now cmon! The guys are already ready.” He hooks his arm around Zane’s and leads him out the door.

Zane knows it’s going to take a while before he looks at himself in his usual attire and sees himself, and not someone else. But he’s thoroughly grateful that he has boyfriends like these, that are willing to put up with his borrowing until such a time.