Hey Internet, Let's Talk.
Hey internet, how are you? Doing well? School going fine?
I'm okay.
What? Can't I save my "great"s and "good"s for when I mean it?
Just 'cause I didn't say "good" doesn't mean I'm not doing well.
...Okay. Fine. You caught me. I'm not doing as well as I'd like.
Nothing's necessarily wrong...I'm just...confused.
I've got a lot on my mind and it's bothering me. I'm having a bit of an identity crisis, which isn't great for my age and-Okay, I take that back. It's not an identity crisis...more of a...generic wonderment over how I conduct my life.
Yeah? Well maybe you just weren't listening well enough!...Okay you want me to talk about it? Let's talk about it.
So I've grown up raised with the idea of what kind of guy I should be when concerning girls. "Be honest." "Be funny." "Be caring." "Be sensitive." "Be strong." "Make her feel comfortable." "Listen well." "Remember the little things." "If you think she's special, let her know." "Be yourself." "Be respectful." "Pick up on the hints." "Listen to what she's saying underneath, because they don't always want to be direct." "Take responsibility for things." And that's just off the top of my head.
Yeah, I thought so too. But you see here's the thing, Over the entirety of the young life I've been living, I like to think I've followed that model to the best of my ability. Yeah I've screwed up a bit along the way, but let's just remind myself that I'm human, I make mistakes.
The problem is...I don't think that's what girls are looking for in a boyfriend-like-character. I used to. I used to believe in that more than I believed oxygen keeps me alive. [Maybe it's a poison that takes about 70-80 years to kill us? I don't know.] I used to think that those ideals were important. That they were the MOST important and essential part of being a good boyfriend-esque character.
Then why am I so lonely? Why does it just-so-happen that time and time again for the past however many years, feel like I'm FINALLY connecting with someone that appreciates those ideas and beliefs about how guys should treat girls...and she just drops off the face of the planet. Why is it that when I get to know her, and she gets to know me that this keeps happening?
Yeah, I don't know either. So I started to think about it and you know what? Maybe it's 'cause that's not what girls want in a boyfriend. If experience and life has taught me anything, it's that it's not. Girls don't want the "good" guys because the "good" guys will always be there. They're consistent. They're nice. They're reliable and...in a lot of aspects they're boring.
Yeah, boring. Here's what my current belief on this idea that's been beaten to death generation after generation. Girls like guys that aren't good because...girls want to be the special. Girls want to meet a bad guy and be the one that's worth making him change his ways and be good. And that's totally reasonable. I mean, if a guy is wholehearted and good to everyone...how can a guy like that make her feel special? It'd be exceedingly difficult. But if a guy is a villain, one capable of outright douchebaggery...and he becomes a nice guy for her? Well that's all kinds of respectable self-sacrifice.
Isn't it obvious? If I don't want to be lonely, if I don't want to have the SAME thing happen time and time again for the rest of my life...if I want to put and end to the sorry excuse-for-a-love-life-I've-been-having, I need to give up the morality, give up the ideals I've grown up with, and give up all that I believe to be "good." And become that-which-I-hate. The overconfident tool, the douche-bag of a man, the unrespectable selfish pig that everyone despises...all so I can search for the girl that makes giving up that life worth it.
Yeah...it would be easier if I could find someone that can love me for who I am. But let's be realistic, what are the odds of that happening?