Day 5: human is what we are
The words do not come as easily today and my body is sore and the weather is cold. It was sunny though and it stayed sunny while I walked to my first pole dancing class ever.
This winter has been a difficult one. I noticed the darkness like never before. The darkness crept into places of my heart and life that I wasn’t ready for and didn’t see coming.
The horoscope said that this is the season of clearing out relationships, the ones that aren’t good for you anymore. I read the other day that a better question than are you in love is, “is this relationship good for you”. It’s an interesting thought. Yes I am in love and no it is not. That’s the truth. Why do we always justify the lack of boundaries and the allowance of neglect with this concept of love. Love makes us do crazy things. No honey. That’s your self-doubt and insecurity leading that charge. Love stands up. Love takes risks sure but love knows proper boundaries and proper treatment.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts.
So this winter came and blew everything away. Blew everything open. Even blew through my childhood trauma that I never told to anyone. That was a shock and surprise and I know I am still dealing with that. In these times it is worthwhile to be delicate with yourself. I know that’s what I have to do but I still feel shame and guilt for getting so drunk in front of James, someone I care deeply about. I was going through something though. I am doing my best. I am doing my best. I am doing my best. I am doing my best.
That is the reminder I needed today. I am always doing my best. At least I try. That is better than not trying.
Lately I have been pushed down by the darkness. I have been fighting my way back up for weeks. Trying to roll out of the way. Trying to hide. Trying not to face it but knowing I need to and partly wanting to. Sometimes the sadness it feels familiar and safe and real. When I get too happy I also get scared that the sadness will come and when it finally does I say “ah, there you are old friend. I knew you’d be back”. It is usually about heartbreak and men. Damn. What does that say about me?
I want the real stuff. The real real stuff. I want to remember what it feels like. The lazy mornings entangled in each other. It’s really hard to let him go.
Maybe I was trying to make him into something he was not this entire time. Maybe he let me because he is impressionable like that.
I miss him deeply. I am anger. I am sad.
It’s funny how people get close to you and impact your life like that.
He was just a man doing a talk at an event, until he wasn’t. Then he was my whole world.
