#wordsaboutgettingbetter

The thing I hate most about myself is that I don’t know anything. I really don’t. I can’t make up my mind and I’m nervous and I want to be confident and I want to be secure and I don’t know if I ever will be. I want to feel free. I want to be rid of the weight that I wake up with every morning, and fall asleep under every night. I want to feel happy. I want to feel hope. And I want to feel like I know how to get there.

today I saw the sun rise it looked a little different than it did yesterday and it’ll look a little different tomorrow but I saw her today and I felt like she saw me too she looked down at me and poured love and brightness into my chest into my soul and my soul smiled for the first time today in many sunrises

I’m constantly bracing for impact. 

I’m waiting for the day I die, 

expecting death around every corner. 

I think about telephone wires snapping,

falling to the ground right where I’m standing,

and electrocuting me to death.

I think about cars crashing into the bus on my way to work

precisely at the spot I’m sitting. 

I feel the tension in my bones and shut my eyes,

when you enter the room

my body turns cold

why?

your presence used to make the room 

so warm

so welcoming

so full of hope

“He and I always say that we are going to work on the things that bother one another. Truly I do always try. He knows I don’t like when he’s distant and a bunch of other stuff I wrote about a few days ago, and he really really has been making changes. He gave me so much love when I first saw him in the parking lot. I truly was expecting him to be mad at me for making him wait or something and it just made the whole trip better. I came home last night, but Thursday night we played video games with my friends and honestly it was a blast. 

He is in the bathroom right now so I have a moment to myself I get very sad,  especially right now, because I’m sitting here in bed and he's just in the other room and god do I miss him like crazy. If I didn't have so much work to do at school I would go crazy missing him. I miss him every day. It hurts bad, and sometimes the missing him weighs on me so hard it feels like I’ve got 10 years of depression laying in my heart. Maybe that’s dramatic but so what this is my journal and that’s just what I think. 

Speaking of depression, I’m not really thinking that it’s my body adjusting to being back at school. I’m with everyone I love and I’m still not feeling myself. I’m anxious, I snap easily, and I’m moody. I don’t know how anyone even wants to be around me. I’ve had the number dialed multiple times to call the counseling center but every time I can never make that call. I don’t know why... Maybe it’s because things are getting so bad that I can’t fix them myself.”

// April 9, 2016

“I need to, I’m going to, I want to.” All words that too often get left unfulfilled and lead to disappointment. One of the things I hate most about myself is the inability to see the bad in people. My whole life this has been something I thought was so great, so unique, but in reality, it has done nothing but increase the pain I’ve gone through when people let me down time and time again. Why couldn’t I see that happily greeting someone is not asking too much? Why didn’t I realize the long-term damage it was causing me to be in fear of making someone wait for a few minutes? Why couldn’t I just love someone who wanted to be loved? Someone who would love me back, and actually show me or tell me so I wasn’t an emotional wreck every week? Why couldn’t I have made that call? I knew I needed help. Maybe I wouldn’t be in therapy once or even twice a week if I would have taken a step forward when I really needed it.