#wnau

Picking up the book she had been using to keep track of the canon, she turned in her desk chair and walked over to her bookcase. It was completely stuffed with books, many of which could be described euphemistically as well-loved. They had been thumbed through repeatedly and rapidly, had the corners folded down to mark places and one or two had had that heart-stopping experience of slipping out of her fingers in the bath. She owned multiple copies of some of her favourites; the nicer covers were kept on a shelf above her bed.

On the way she caught the eye of her reflection in the mirror on her wall. Flinging the book carelessly onto her bed, she approached herself curiously. Her silver hair still hung freely down her back. With the long, tie-died, ocean-hued dress and the multitude of heavy silver bracelets and necklaces she wore, she looked more like an elven princess than the daughter of two prominent politicians. She wriggled her bare toes happily at this thought. Good.

Taking another step she opened her mouth and tilted her head to get a good look inside. All normal. She closed her mouth and took a deep breath.

“...”

No.

Come on, say something. Say hello.

“...”

Nothing. She frowned at her reflection.

Say hello.

“...”

Not today, it seemed. Maybe not any day.

A memory surfaced; a memory that if given physical form would be as foxed and worried at as the most battered book on her shelf.

The crisis had left Sophia traumatised. Everyone had been so busy that it had taken a while for anyone to notice that she had not spoken since that incident, even longer for them to grow concerned, sympathetic, irritated, angry. It did not matter what was said to her. She refused to speak a single word.

A year or so later Sophia had realised that she was no longer holding her silence deliberately. It was not would not, but could not, and she was frightened. She had cried, often, alone in her room as her voice failed her again and again.

In her memory her sister Astrid – the perfect girl, with perfect grades and perfect manners – chose this time to lose her practically patented cool.

“For Pete’s sake, Sophia, why can’t you just quit it? You’re making everyone worry; Mum and Dad are half-crazy over it. Do you have to be so weird?”

Sophia simply looked at her helplessly.

“It’s not like I never want to act out – get a C in a class I hate, or-or make out with some loser behind the gym – but I can’t, because one weirdo is bad enough, and I care about this family. You’re not just hurting our parents emotionally, you know.”

That got Sophia angry. Astrid cared more about her parents careers than her sister’s pain? Fuck that.

Since then Sophia had barely acknowledged Astrid’s existence, and for all she could tell the older girl had done the same. A (perfect) University student now, she still lived in their parents mansion. It was easy for them to avoid one another in the grand rooms. At meal times they avoided eye contact, each pretending that the other was absent, eating in icy silence for the most part.

***

But that’s so sad, Astrid thought, sitting alone in her room. She knew all about forcing feelings down, keeping them out of one’s face and behaviour. Reading this fanfic made her very sad.

Not that she would ever behave like Damon.

Long, elegant fingers on the keys, she posted the Dramione one-shot she had written. She was toying with the idea of turning it into a series of related short fics concentrating on her favourite Harry Potter ships. Mostly Dramione. They were Astrid’s OTP and she would hear no more about it. She added a little question testing out the idea in her author’s notes and went back to the essay she was supposed to be working on.

Damon and Elena still turned in her mind as she wrote.

In her next study break she logged back in and sent the author of If You’ll Let Me, the 40,000 words and growing Vampire Diaries fanfic a message praising the work.

-

Stardust-Girl,

I am loving 'If You’ll Let Me'. The most recent chapter in particular really got to me. I am not especially good at expressing myself personally, and the idea of someone getting close enough (physically and emotionally!) and making the effort to understand me...It’s. Just. So. Beautiful. The slow build of their relationship and starting to trust each other –

Basically, please never stop!

HCA-SnowQueen

-

Astrid hesitated before hitting send. It was a little bit overly candid, wasn’t it? She almost never shared so much about her inner life, even with close friends. But that was the advantage of online interactions, wasn’t it? The ability to be candid, safe in the anonymity and the distance screen to screen?

She was surprised by a prompt reply.

-

Hi SnowQueen

Thank you so much for your message – it made me really happy! I always read your fics. This latest Dramione one was fantastic, like a dream of beautiful tragedy. I hope there will be more of it – I’m holding my breath so hurry hurry hurry!

There will definitely be more Elena/Damon action from me. Their story is pretty interesting given that they’ve both hurt each other and, yeah like you say, Damon is pretty sucky at showing any vulnerability. It’s a slow burn huh!?

Stardust-Girl

-

Astrid bit her lip, excited and flattered. She liked her stories? She took her laptop onto her bed and typed a response.

-

Stardust-Girl

OMG I can’t believe you read my fics, I’m so embarrassed!

HCA-SnowQueen

P.S. Does it have to be such a slow burn? Give me results, I need them!

No, honestly don’t, the anticipation is better than anything!

-

SnowQueen

Haha, you’re adorable.

And anticipation is everything. Better than the dirty deed itself, no?

SG

-

Stardust-Girl

Lol, I’d be the last to know.

HCA-SnowQueen

-

Wait, why did I send that? she thought. Way too much information. She fretted for a few minutes until the reply came back.

-

Snow,

Me too. Though, there is someone...

SG

-

***

Logging onto her computer, Sophia was pleased to see a new message from Snow. They had been chatting for a few weeks, sharing bits and pieces of writing and bits and pieces of their lives. Snow sounded like she did not have a lot of friends IRL, but she was very easy to talk to once she got more comfortable. Sophia had shared an awful lot with her, and received a few things back. The talk was light and fun, but real.

-

Stardust,

How are things with the guy?

I’m still floundering of course. Sorry to massively overshare, but I’m starting to think I might be, I don’t know. I am too old to be having these sexual identity questions but I guess I was always too repressed to pay attention when a male or female caught my eye. And now I think it may be both?? God I’m weird.

Snow

-

Sophia barely thought for a moment before composing her reply.

-

Snow, sweetie, no, you’re not weird at all, why would you think that??

Just love who you love, nothing in the world wrong with you!

SG

-

Stardust

Yeah, I guess I feel like I’m under a lot of pressure to be normal, or to be better or something. It drives me pretty crazy half the time ngl.

Snow

-

Snow

I know exactly how you feel. I have the same thing at home.

Caved under it, actually. Or rebelled, or a combination thereof.

I don’t talk to my family anymore.

Or anyone else for that matter.

I can’t, actually.

It started as a conscious decision not to – remember the crisis? – it all got too much. I stopped talking. Not a word. Then after a while I was not choosing to be silent. I couldn’t make a sound. If I tried, nothing came out.

It was a really hard time for me, realising I couldn’t ever go back to normal.

SG

-

Sophia was crying. It was so painful, yet such a relief as well to put it down in writing to another human being. The truth.

She waited tensely for a reply which did not come.

Finally a sound startled her out of her vigil.

A knock.

A real life knock on her door.

“Sophia?” her sister’s quiet voice.

It came again, this time more uncertain, quieter, hesitant.

“Stardust?”