I tried to return her ring, said I was forming a lot of connections about her giving me the ring and that I would keep it if she wanted me to think that way. She told me to keep it, though. I asked her are you sure? Heart beating so much my chest would hurt if it went on for much longer. Are you very sure? I asked again. She held my face and planted a kiss on my forehead. Room started to blur. Cantaffordtozoneoutrightnow, I thought. Pulled myself together somehow. This is gonna be bad, I think. She's gonna be bad for me, I think. This is gonna be a bad idea, I think. I wear the ring on my left hand, the engagement finger. A really bad idea, I think. Does she really want me to wait for her? I think. Nope, she's bad for me, I think again. Try not to think about it for the rest of the evening, I tell myself. This happens within two seconds. She holds my hand and sways with the music. I look at our hands. I wanna kiss her hand, but if I do I'm gonna start thinking about "us" again. I saw how that went the first time, so I don't. I hold on as long as I can. She smelled nice. I don't remember the exact smell anymore but if I smell it again I'll know. I hold on as if this is the last time I'll allow myself to hold on to her, unless she tells me she wants an "us" instead of just a "you and me" and I think about it at night again.

The whole evening we spend casually exchanging glances. I feel her eyes on me (do I?) as I hug my boy best friend, give him a kiss on his cheek like I promised wayyyy back. I don't even notice most of the time as I keep looking at her, trying to get her attention unconsciously. I think she feels my eyes on her when I see her hugging her girl best friend so tightly. I want to keep her to myself, no offence to the gbf of course. We keep touching each other in tiny, subtle ways without even giving any thought to it beforehand. Just happens naturally. But then…I think of <<one of her drinking buddies>> and his picture and the hickey and the story behind it. I think of alcohol and smoke and weed and losing control and that she's everything I would reject in a stranger trying to hit on me. She would be such a bad idea. Why do I keep wanting her so much? Why do I have to force myself to not want her, even though at times I do have eyes for other people, just for some eye candy?

What happens if I don't hold back, if I let myself fall, if I put some effort and she falls for and with me too?

when she tells you she has a crush 💔

when it’s another one of your friends 💔