What’s Left Unsaid, Says It All Pt.5
What's Left Unsaid, Says it all part 5/?
This Story can be found at Ao3
part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4
Tagging; @peacenik0 @today-in-fic
p.s. if you would like updates and be tagged please let me know :)
p.p.s word to the wise this is a really, really long chapter all together this chapter came to 11292 words altogether. which is the longest thing I have ever written.
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Notes; This chapter will be journal style (dear diary) layout, but within the moment flashbacks, so we get both sides of the story as well as thoughts and feelings.
A week has passed since I got back from the hospital, things have been going well. Missy has been here the whole time, she made my spare bedroom into her own for now and for the foreseeable future. She has got her crystals, her rugs, and plenty of clothes. I think at this point she has more clothes than I do. She’s worried about me, but she needn’t be... I’m fine. I have rested well, she has taken good care of me. When Melissa first proposed the idea of sharing my apartment with her, I thought she was mad, yes we were close as sisters but we hadn't lived together since we were kids, a time when we would fight all time; be under each other feet as they say. I have actually come to enjoy her presence, she makes me feel less lonely. For which I am thankful for, especially with me starting to pull away from Mulder much to both his and Missy dismay. Melissa thinks I should tell him about the twins, but I just simply can’t for my own personal reasons, of which she knows, and also doesn't agree with. I hope Mulder thinks I’m pulling away because I got hurt on a case, well two cases as of this date, he also probably thinks I blame him for my misfortune, how wrong he is about that. I love him so much, for the two little lives that now growing inside me. Not just because of that though but because he courageous, loving, compassionate, humble, and so many more wonderful things. Yes, he can be stubborn and arrogant but that is just who it is it's a part of him nothing more, nothing less and I love him all the same. I can be myself around him, no fear of judgment, or reprieve. He sees me for who I am and not for who I pretend to be. But with all of that said, I have known that what I am doing to him, is going to hurt more than anything he has felt before, including the loss of his little sister. That kind of grief and not knowing, the pain and remorse, that is the kind of pain that’s going to tear him apart. I wish when the time comes he knows how sorry I am and how much pain this is also going to cause me, too. I know he probably won’t ever forgive me but it has to be done.
It’s now the end of August and I’m 22 weeks along, a lot has happened in the past three weeks since I last wrote in you. I don’t know where to start, well logically the beginning would help, wouldn’t it?
I started back at work, it was a relief and worrisome at the same time, Monday started out of really good, I arrived at work full of joy at finally getting out of that small apartment and back to normality or something close, at least. I walked into the X-Files basement office, somewhat nervously but Mulder looked pleased to see me, and in all honesty... I was starting to miss him, I know I shouldn’t, I know it's wrong. I need to distance myself from him or that is what my rational mind kept telling me at the time. But in that moment my heart won, I enjoyed it and reveled in it for that tiny fleeting second and I was happy with him, to be near him, together... with him. Anyway, I sat down at the desk, we talked about my time off, we laughed at how evidently there were pencils in his ceiling because he was bored. It very quickly became time to get down to the nitty-gritty aspect of our new case, and oh the joy... I’m barely back five minutes and we have another case. I made Mulder laugh with that comment.
I had missed his smile, the way his eyes would light up and instead of a frown line small smile lines would appear on his face, my feelings have become more of a need and showing themselves at the worst possible times, during the day, that I could have those types of feelings. He told me about the case, and how it started out years ago when he worked for the Violent Crimes Section (VCS), Mulder carried on with his story but the main point, I gathered, was that he was young and green, that he had hesitated a minute too long to take the perp out because there were hostages and for this sad mistake on his part the perp, John Barnett was his name, shot two agents because he got trigger happy one day and killed seven people. Mulder told me at the time he didn't need my assistance as he and I both knew I needed to take it easier as suggested by my friend and Doctor, Rachel Richards. And at the time I wanted to protect him and be his partner, that was my job after all, but evidently, he was right. What he neglected to tell me at the time which I found out later is that his old boss said he was coming after him, and that's the real reason he didn't want me there. To protect me.
I spent the rest of the week, mulling over what I had missed when I was at home, taking it easy and relaxing, which wasn’t a lot. I wasn’t really surprised, because he did come and visit me loads when I was at home. The rest of the week passed by uneventfully... Missy cooked, I told her it wasn’t necessary but she kept insisting that just eating junk food every day was not healthy for anyone and I didn't want to hurt the twins.
On Thursday, Mom came to visit... checking up on me (and probably making sure Missy and I hadn't killed each other yet), we sat her down together and told her I had spent time in hospital recently but not the reason behind it or any of the gory details behind the case and left it at that. Missy as per usual made the snide comment that I should tell her and if looks could kill I would most definitely be dead five times over. Mom stayed and cooked us a meal, caught me up on what's been going on at our local Church. Missy wasn’t really interested in Church ever since she became a Wiccan, I didn't really care about her beliefs but I listened anyway. It turned out there was a man that my Mother was trying to set me up with but I very politely declined, telling her I wasn't interested in a relationship right now, that my work was very important to me at this time in my life. It was only a half lie.
By the time I had finally started to feel comfortable in my apartment, doing absolutely nothing but taking care of myself and the twins, it was suddenly Friday. Mulder had just got back from the case and it was getting late, we were both sitting in that little basement office we both had come to feel more at home in, he filled me in on the details of what had transpired and how a female agent, got shot and how John Barnett grabbed another hostage bating Mulder into making another terrible mistake. Barnett had a gun to her head and he watched on as she pleaded for her life, and that's when Mulder told me that he pulled the trigger and explained how Barnett eyes glazed over and he fell slowly to the floor, they rushed him to hospital and all I kept thinking was what if I was that female agent? Would I have survived such an attack? Mulder finished his story and I asked what was going to happen now, he told me about the hospital flying in a surgical specialist to save his life, but he flatlined on the table. He was kind enough to take me home that night and boy, thinking back now that was the wrong move. I knew Missy was at our parent's housekeeping Mom company because she no longer had Dad around. I invited him in and he moved to the couch, again I don’t know what I was thinking, it seems so ludicrous now when I think back on it, iI was meant to be pulling away not inviting him into my apartment... just the two of us, alone. At first we were just talking and thinking about work, throwing ideas and theories about Bigfoot and then he kissed me out of the blue his warm, soft pouty lips touched mine and it felt incredible (I didn't realize how badly I wanted them on me all of the time), so succulent and so luscious and tasting of strawberries and damn I just couldn't help myself, my mind screaming inside my skull to stop... to end it now, before it went too far. I kissed him back our tongues slipped and slid against each exploring each other's mouths, the feeling was unbelievably sensual and it sent desire between my legs. I got caught up in the moment, I suppose. And then he started running his hand down my arm, working the buttons on my shirt but that was when it hit me my brain finally caught up with what was happening and I pulled away so abruptly, how could I let this happen? We shouldn't be doing this! We really shouldn't be doing this! Kept running through my mind over and over again. This had to stop, I had to make it stop right now, before he found out that I was keeping him from his children. I told him, very loudly to get out, go get out and he did, slamming the door behind him. I collapsed onto the couch, in tears, caressing my growing belly and apologizing to the twins.
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Mulder was walking to his car after just being thrown out of Scully’s apartment, they weren't really a couple yet but somehow had stumbled into their very first fight (and he didn't know how), the rain falling on his face rivulets dripping from the tip of his nose into the water puddles as he stepped off the concrete curb and onto the gravel road.
His mind revelling in what had just happened between them, as he got into the car watching as the rain hit the windscreen pitter patter against metal and glass like steel drums in an Orchestra, as he stared out and thought to himself...
I kissed her! What the fuck was I thinking? Shit, Shit, Shit... what have I just done? I didn’t mean to, God I'm such an idiot, but Scully was so beautiful. These days she had an undeniable glow about her that I can’t quite put my finger on but the glow suits her so much, I couldn’t help but kiss her. I was caught up in the moment and I thought she wanted it too. I know she did, I could see it in her eyes, those eyes. Damn, she even kissed me back! Her beautiful lips so red and ready for the taking so full and soft her skin beautiful with her freckles poking through her light makeup like little star constellations in the night sky.
She ran her hand through my hair and let me trail my hand up her arm to the crook of her soft, lithe neck. I mean, fuck... she even deepened the kiss, causing me to start undoing the buttons of her shirt, but only because I had missed her so much. SO DAMN MUCH! Her love, compassion and strength.
She kept me where I belong,
I loved her so much, not that I would ever tell her that, she would probably run a mile in a heartbeat if she knew how I really felt about her, and us. And now I know my feelings aren't reciprocated because she pulled away from me and threw me out without a second thought, here I sit now as the fall falls outside the window i can feel the warm tears fall down my cold face. I am such a fucking fool, I pledged to myself to never fall in love with another co-worker again, not after Diana, but I guess history was meant to repeat itself because I find myself loving Scully with everything I have and am and damn it hurts, it hurts so damn much that I can barely keep from losing myself in the darkness. I need to get out of my head... I need a drink, a long hard stiff drink. I need to forget.
I need to stop loving her. I need, I need... fuck what do I need and who am I kidding? You can’t just stop and forget and not love someone like Dana Katherine Scully. She's unforgettable.
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I instantly rang Missy, I needed her and within thirty minutes she was here for me and the twins. I bet she broke every speed limit to get to me but I know she would do anything for me. She opened the door and ran to me, as she hugged me my knees gave way beneath me and we both crumbled to the floor, I cried for hours in her arms and she let me. It's all a bit of a blur now when I think about it, I remember telling Missy what I had done, through my breathless sobs. I told her that I tried not to love him, tried hating him with every fiber of my being but I just couldn’t do it. How could I possibly hate someone who gave me the most precious gift anybody could offer another person. She sat silently with me, saying nothing but held me as tight as she could without hurting me (and the babies) as I just sat there pressed to her warm chest and cried for hours. When I composed myself and got up, I expected her to shout or scream but she stayed silent, thoughtful even. She must have sensed how much he meant to me and how the next few months were going to affect me. Missy took me to bed, undressed me and she slid into the bed next to me and hugged me like we did when we were kids. She has always had such a soothing presence, and soul. My big sister. I make a note to tell her how much I love her in the morning.
The weekend passed like a blur, I don't really remember much apart from staying in my bedroom and crying more than I thought physically possible. I was a mess but Missy stayed with me through it all, guiding me back to life and keeping me from falling off the edge of a cliff and into a bottomless abyss. It looked so welcoming, I was almost mad at her endless ability to never give up. She has always been the more positive of the whole Scully clan, except maybe for Mom.
The start of a new week arrived sooner than expected and I was apprehensive about the day ahead of me. Mulder hadn't called all weekend, I honestly didn't know how I was going to react to him or the way he would react to me, for that matter. To say I was incredibly nervous and ashamed was a gross understatement. When I walked into the office, things were different... there was a tension between the two of us, it was suffocating. Anyone who came down to deliver a file would be able to feel it as soon as the door swung open to let them enter. As the day passed he would talk to me like it was any other normal day in the office but his body language was off, like a man who was confused and conflicted, hurt and broken. Who could blame him for feeling such things? After the way, I treated him last week, when all he wanted was to show me that he cared. The hours ticked by unbelievably slowly only occasionally punctuated by small talk, and I could tell there was a strain on our relationship now, a strain I never wanted but didn't know how to avoid, he was pulling away from me... maybe it for the best, but boy did it hurt. It hurt more than I ever thought it would. It hurt deep down in my soul, and I hoped that the twins couldn't feel it in their warm, cosy home they were building inside my womb.
Where do I begin? So much happened. I wasn't in the office that morning because I had a doctors appointment, at just over 22 weeks pregnant it was time for the often terrifying anomaly scan. I didn't want there to be anything wrong with my babies, not that I would love them any less if there was. I would always love them more than life itself, regardless. They were my whole world now, and I would do everything in my power to keep them safe.
Missy took me to the appointment; I think she was more excited than I was, I didn't think that was even possible but it was... I was just so nervous about seeing my babies again, seeing their tiny bodies and hearing their heartbeats, not in unison but as a one two count, like the pulse of a planet around its star. It was music to my ears, every single time I heard it. My heart beat furiously in my chest, sweat was forming on the palms of my hands. I think Missy could sense my nervousness and concern for their wellbeing. She looked at me and smiled, reassuringly. I would never be able to repay her for the calmness she brought to our lives during these hard times.
As Rachel called us unto the exam room, Missy grabbed my hand and interlocked our fingers, squeezing gently for reassurance with a small gentle smile on her lips and in that moment, I knew everything was going to be OK. Stepping into the room, I carefully laid on the hospital bed... it was cold and uncomfortable.
Missy sat beside me, while Rachel sat down in her rolling office chair; she already had my medical records on the computer screen and she grabbed some of the jelly, squirting it onto my bare stomach. It was slightly warmer this time but still cold and sticky. I think I would always hate the stuff because it got all over my clean clothes, and increases but let's not go there.
Minutes passed by as Dr Richards probed my abdomen with her wand, searching for the twins. She found my brave, sweet little boy first and made a comment about it still being a little boy which caused all three of us to laugh. It took another twenty minutes for her to do the anomaly scan and as far as she was concerned everything appeared to be A-OK. She found my strong, independent little girl next and again everything checked out just fine.
Rachel hit some kind of button combination on the keyboard in front of her and suddenly the empty room, filled with my little girl's heartbeat, with the perfect rate of a healthy growing baby, it bounced and echoed off of the four walls. Missy eyes went wide and I began to cry immediately. It was a mixture of delight and relief, I worry before every appointment that I won't hear those sounds, hearing it again makes me believe in miracles. It was so beautiful, the feeling of joy overwhelmed me. She moved the wand to the position she knew the little boy was and it looked like he was playing kick about with his slightly bigger sister and we got to hear his heartbeat too, in the quiet empty space between hers. I did worry very briefly about his smaller size, but logically as a Doctor, I knew one twin was almost always bigger than the other, receiving more of the nutrients.
Missy commented that it sounded like water sloshing in a bucket - maybe even alien like, she also said it sounded amazing and pretty cool. At the time the comment made me smile, and laugh but now I think about it just makes me want to cry. If Mulder was there in that room with me it would have been something he had said with a wicked grin and knowing that makes me want to cry for days, maybe even months. I’m starting to question why I am doing this and if I'm doing the right thing, but then one of them would kick or move around inside of me and all of the self-doubts would dissipate in that very instant. They brought me back from the brink more than I care to admit, made me want to be stronger for them and myself.
It was full of pain and anger. Mulder had gotten called upstairs for a meeting with the FBI higher-ups, apparently, they didn't like how he dealt with the last case, but let's face it... what's new there? They're never happy with our work. It's so frustrating, sometimes. He became snappy towards me after that meeting, like he focused all of his anger, pain, and betrayal on me and only me. By the end of the day I was getting fed up with him, so I started giving as good as I got and after a solid thirty minutes of us bickering back and forth, a strange electric sticky atmosphere starting lingering in the office like a bad smell and then that's where I left it for the day. I was so fed up with Mulder, this mess and life in general. So I went home to soak my horrible day away in the bathtub. Just me, the twins and the smell of jasmine and vanilla candles. Complete silence. It was amazing.
Was unexpected, to say the least, let's just say I need to be more careful now, wait you don't even know what I am on about. Let me explain; I had gone out to lunch because I really needed to get away from Mulder, he was still acting like an ass so I left without so much as a goodbye but what I hadn’t noticed was my ultrasound photo had fallen out of my work bag and was laying on the floor, face up for all too see and ooohhh boy what happened next was… well, I don’t know how to put it. How do you deny the existence of something, when the proof of said something is grasped in your hand?
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Mulder was sitting at his desk staring at his blue computer screen, he was meant to be typing up a field report or something along those lines, for a case. Scully had just left, the tension between them amplified by the events of the past couple of days; it was hot, electric, unforgettable and full of sexual tension, pheromones, and raging hormones. He couldn't quite put his finger on it but it was definitely there and it was confusing as hell, given everything that had transpired lately. He spun around on his chair like a kid not being able to focus on anything, trying to clear his head and thinking what he could pass the time doing before Scully got back from her lunch break. As he spun around again, he noticed something shiny catch the corner of his eye, he thought he imagined it so he spun one more time but it was still there. So he stopped spinning not feeling the slightest bit dizzy, he stared at that spot before curiosity got the better of him, stood up quickly and started to walk over to see what this thing was, as he moved closer to it he could tell it was a kind of Polaroid photo or looked about the right shape and size for one at least.
He bent down picking this photo up and staring at with such intensity (his eyes almost hurt), he realised it was an ultrasound photo but he hadn't seen one of them in a very long time, not since his mother and father had shown him of a blurry version of baby Samantha. Running his fingers over the gloss and then the edge of the photo, he realised it was not one but two photos that were folded perfectly flat together. He used his fingertip to pull along the crease unfolding the second, underneath the other, looking at the first photo it was misprinted, missing the name of the mother of who it belonged to. Did they fall out of a file? Mulder wondered and kept reading, the first thing he noticed was a string of numbers of what he assumed with the medical patient ID number, it read 'twin A GA=21w2d'. Mulder read some other information on the grainy images, not really understanding it but the date popped out at him - 21/08/1993 10:53 AM. He looked at the second photo as the information absorbed into his brain, again the first line was missing at the top of the photograph but it read 'twin B GA= 21w2d' the date was the exact same but the timestamp read 11:23 AM. So many thoughts were running through his head. Whose ultrasound photo was this? Is this Scully’s? Wait, she wasn’t here Tuesday morning! Is she pregnant? No, she can’t be she would of told me... wouldn’t she? It can't be possible, we used protection! It can't be ours can it? His mind in overdrive, thoughts piling up like X- File cases on his desk, he stood there just staring at the photos in his hands, losing all track of time, when suddenly Scully walked in.
Scully stood there, staring at the man in front of her with two photos in his hand and all she could think was shit! She stood there, in quiet fear, watching Mulder’s facial expressions changing as his thought process ran through the possibilities over and over again. She had to think quick, needed a way out.. a way to explain herself and the photos.
"Mulder" Scully's voice wavered, very briefly before she steeled herself against his questions and possible accusations.
"I’m sorry, Scully... it's really none of my business"
"It’s not mine" Scully quickly added with determination and authority hoping and praying against everything that Mulder would believe her bold face lies.
"I didn’t think it was, you... you would have told me. I know that" Mulder said, more a statement than anything, and walked over to her, placing the photos in her hands before sitting back down at his desk.
Scully walked over placed the photos in her work bag, sitting opposite him before speaking "It’s my friends, I haven’t seen her in a while and she wanted my medical opinion on the photos you that you just saw, she was checking everything was alright and that the doctors weren't lying to her. I'm sorry if you got scared, unnecessarily"
Mulder took a long pause looking at Scully directly in the eye "Oh, OK... and is it?"
"Yes, everything looks fine"
"So this friend of yours I take it she having twins? That's so huge and amazing!"
"Yes. it is, she's very happy. I'm very happy for her. I don't think she ever thought it was something she would get a chance to do"
"That's great. Do you know if they are identical or fraternal?"
"That's so nice! I'm happy for your friend too, Scully. I don’t quite know how she is going to manage but I imagine that she is strong and capable like you. I don't know if could find the time for kids, especially with work" Mulder said, honesty. It was raw emotion, he didn't usually let this side of him out very often but when he did he meant every word he said and she knew it. It was the final nail in the coffin of her decision to keep this information from him, she didn't need to be told a third time how unprepared or unwilling he was to allow kids into his chaotic life.
"It is nice, marvellous in fact. I’m sure she will be fine, she's strong then she looks. I truly believe that"
"She sounds nice. Is the father involved?"
"No" Scully snapped, not meaning to her emotions just got the better of her in that moment. Mulder gave her a questioning eyebrow and she looked down at her hands. "Sorry, I didn't mean to be so rude about it, it's just very personal to her and not my place, you understand. She's nice... I think you would like her"
"Would I? Does she live in the DC area?"
"No, no actually she flies back home to San Francisco tomorrow. I wish you could of meet her"
"It’s quite alright. Maybe when she brings the little ones for a visit to see their aunt Scully, huh? Shall we get back to work?"
"Maybe. I don't know how likely that is. Yes, please" she looked at him again and started secretly having a conversation with him, but without him even knowing what was really said.
Mulder looked back at the computer screen, he could not stop thinking about those photos he held in his hand. What if they were Scully’s? What if they were his children? Do I even want children right now? He sat there, deep in thought, when the answer finally came; Yes! He would want kids with Scully. The idea of little uber Scully's running around was unbelievably amazing and he would give them everything he never had as a child. All the love in the world if he could, he thought long and hard about it, it was a nice idea but never gonna happen because Scully would never lie to him, right? He pushed all thoughts of family out of his mind.
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Friday Came and went and the weekend was much the same, nothing important happened. Which leaves me with this past week full of highs and mostly lows, I arrived at work Monday morning, dreading the time spent in that small office. Everything seemed to be going wrong for me that day, my stomach had ballooned overnight it felt like, I wasn't surprised but I was kind of in shock. My work shirt no longer fit properly (the lower buttons refusing to go into their connecting holes), my waistline has also widened considerably and I haven't bought any maternity wear yet. The tight material of my regular clothing wouldn't budge an inch to cover the bump that had started to develop.
I ended up going to work in a black turtleneck sweater and casual black trousers being held up with a hair tie around the button and the buttonhole. Luckily, it was kind of cold that day as autumn was starting to make itself known. On the way to work my car broke down but I managed to phone a repair service who got me started back up and running, of course, that made me two hours late and Mulder was less the impressed.
The day had passed so slowly, with Mulder complaining about everything and anything he could think of, it felt almost intentional. It got to the point that I was ready to cry or throw something at him and tell him to get his damn head out of his ass but I kept quiet. Every now and again I caught him looking at me, with his big hazel eyes (that mysterious mixture of green, blue and brown) at first I saw sadness, hurt and resentment, but I looked deeper and saw something I wasn’t expecting I see... love. I saw a deep-seated and overwhelming heartbreaking kind of love, the kind of love that made me think if I traveled to the other side of the world he would follow me, that if the world was ending he would be by my side (and shit, I actually think I would ask him). The sort of love you only see in movies, because how can something that pure and unaffected exist in the real world? I know from my own personal romantic history, that people usually ruin that kind of connection, either through fear or a misunderstanding.
I got up after I realised this new piece of information, grabbing my bag and running to the nearest restroom. I locked myself inside a cubicle, not caring who was around me and sat down on the toilet seat lid searching and rummaging through my work bag looking for the photos of my babies, tears started streaming down my face stinging my eyes with the pain of them. Why did he have to look at me this way? Why today? I felt like I was drowning unable to stay afloat, the emotion and my damn pregnancy hormones made such an awful combination. Fuck, it was the worst feeling in the world. When I finally pulled myself together and told myself to get a grip, I wiped my eyes and walked out with my head held high, walking back into the X-files office Mulder gave me a small smile but said nothing, so I just sat down and carried on working. I think he could tell I had been crying and didn't want to upset me more, he could always tell when I wasn't in the mood for his jokes or prying questions. It was one of the reasons I loved him, no one else had ever known that well.
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Scully had just walked in, I could tell she had been crying. I don't know why or what happened. She's been pulling away from me as of late. She's stopped talking to me confiding in me and just keeping everything bottled up. It fucking hurts. I don't know why she is doing this to herself, or us. I thought we were headed somewhere good, but everything crashed back down to reality... when I tried to kiss her the other night.
I wasn't expecting her to pull away from me, it made me angry and confused initially but I soon came to realise that it hurt so much more than I even dare to admit to myself. I look at her now, sitting in front of me and I can see she is hiding something from me, but there seems something more like it's not just me she is hiding from but is hiding something from herself as well.
I don't know why she is closing herself off like this, were growing apart and it scares me to death. The idea that I could lose the best thing that has happened to me in my miserable life. I wish she would talk to me or at least go back to the way we were. I would take friendly co-workers over a potential ruined relationship, if it meant I could keep her in my life. But something is going to give because at the moment it feels like I am living in my own damnation or possibly it's karma biting me on the ass, maybe I deserve it. I’m going to look away from her and talk about the case, like nothing ever happened. We're good at ignoring the problem at hand.
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Mulder started speaking to me a little more, though I could tell he was still distancing himself from me. It was hard to deal with but it was for the best and saved me from doing it on my own. It was mutual, like everything we did, even if he had no idea why it was happening.
Wednesday was full of similar cordial but distant FBI partner discussions and work.
After I got home from work that night, something was completely different about the apartment, something I wasn't expecting. Unbeknownst to me at the time, Missy had asked Rachel to come over and surprise me with a little get together to try and cheer me up. It was her only day off and she chose to share it with me, I felt so honoured (we hadn't really spent much time together since left my Medical career behind and joined the FBI three years ago). I told Missy there was no need to do this for me, but as usual she didn't listen and I was thankful for once she knew what I needed, there were two women in my life willing to stand by me, putting a hold on their own lives to pamper me and make sure I wasn't alone in the decision I had made to keep this from Mulder.
Over the next few hours, we just sat around drinking and relaxing on the couch together. It was non-alcoholic, sparkling apple cider for me while Rachel and Missy share a bottle of red merlot between them. We were each wearing a green face mask and casual clothes. I was wearing a new baggy sweater and navy blue leggings, my sister was in her pyjamas and Rachel was wearing some light grey jeans and a yellow and black striped t-shirt.
We laughed and let loose, all needing the release it turned out. I couldn't stop smiling, I felt so loved, wanted and free. One of the twins (I wasn't sure which one but Rachel seems sure it was the girl based on the placement she remembered from the ultrasound footage) kicked that night and I remember grabbing Missy's hand as fast as I could and placing it on my lower abdomen. She had been wanting to feel one of them kick since I told her I was pregnant but kept missing the special moments over the next few weeks. That night she felt it, a full-blown punch and or kick and her face lit up, like a kid in a candy store for the first time. She was ecstatic and witnessing this between my babies and their aunt was the most beautiful thing to see... the joy and pure amazement on Missy's face is something I will never forget and always treasure.
When I woke up Thursday morning I felt rejuvenated, like a new person as they say.
Mulder and I got straight down to business and talked about a new case. I wasn’t very happy about how this information came about. Why? I hear you ask, well because it was from his ‘informant’, whom I have still yet to meet and do not trust.
The case was about a possible encounter between a long haul trucker and a UFO in Tennessee; which could possibly mean flying out of state and I hate flying. It also wasn't going to be a fun trip in my current predicament as my feet would begin to swell and it would be uncomfortable being in such close proximity to Mulder, on a plane where I couldn't escape, he was bound to suspect something.
Today (which is Friday), Mulder and I spent most of the morning putting the final details in place, for example, which motel we were going to stay at, plane tickets and our car rental.
I left early, just after lunchtime because I was feeling noticeably huge and tired.
Missy keeps telling me I'm tiny and that my bump is barely noticeable (that you would actually have to know I was pregnant for your attention to be drawn to my stomach) but I don't believe her, especially looking at myself in a mirror.
She just doesn't understand I suppose, as she isn't the one carrying two little beans inside her like I am.
Mulder also said he had planned this evening which is nice, it would be good for him to get out of that small basement office for a while to meet and socialise with someone other than me.
Missy also went out for the night, meeting up with some friends. She deserves the break for all that she has done for me lately and it means that I get some time alone for a little while, and it also means I can write in you.
I can't tell her how I'm truly feeling about everything right now. I feel like it's something I need to keep to myself until absolutely necessary, otherwise, she will only worry and I don't want to burden her any more than I already have.
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Meanwhile at apartment 42
Mulder was sitting on his brown leather sofa watching the ESPN highlights with the volume muted, not really paying attention to the flickering images in front of him.
He was too busy thinking deeply about the fact that he had lied to Scully when he had told her that he was going out with some friends, it was becoming way too easy to lie to her like that easily and the worst bit about it was she believed him.
There was a knock at the door that gently brought him out of his reverie. He walked over and opened his door, not bothering to look who it was, so he was a bit surprised to find a tall red headed woman standing there a little nervous.
"Hi, Fox. Umm… I was in the neighbourhood and thought I would stop by. May I come in? I think we should talk."
"Melissa. Hi. Yeah, of course, you can. Ignore the mess... I wasn't expecting guests. I'm sorry"
"No. I'm sorry for stopping by without warning" Melissa gave Mulder a soft smile as she walked into his apartment, looking around. There were dishes piled up in the sink, the small desk near the window was covered in files and papers as far as the eye could see. There was a small, old TV in front of the brown leather sofa.
She noticed dirty clothes flowing out of the washbasket near the door to the hallway and chuckled to herself when she realised she could definitely tell it was a bachelors apartment, in all honesty, she thought it looked like a frat boys dorm room but made no comment when she sat down on the sofa.
Mulder walked over to where the TV remote was sitting and turned it off before looking over at Melissa and asking "Is it about Scully? Is she alright... has something happened to her?"
"No. Dana’s fine" of course Mulder first thought would be of her sister "She’s just been having trouble since the Willis case. Which I think you would agree is understandable, based on the fact that they were a couple for a while. It's just really shaken her and I don't think she anticipated the feelings it would bring up"
"Yes, I understand. I just hope will she be OK"
"She'll be fine, it’s just going to take her some time. I actually came to see how you were doing after Dana’s hospital stay. You seemed worried"
"I’m fine. It was just a bit of a shock. I know that she's OK now" Mulder said, defensively.
"Fox, please... don't lie to me. I can tell you not fine. Really, how are doing?" stressing the word HOW to try and get her point across to him.
"Melissa I…." Mulder tried to think of something to say, keeping his eyes focused on anything but Melissa in fear of breaking in front of Scully’s sister.
"I’m not going to push but I'm here if you need to talk about it or anything, in fact, I’m here as a friend... there will be no judgment from me, I promise"
"It's my pleasure. Please, call me Missy. We're friends now" she said laughing and giving him a wide, friendly smile.
"OK, Missy. In that case, you can call me Mulder now"
"Nope, not a chance, I like calling you Fox. It is your name after all and I think it suits you" Missy said, still with a smile on her face and trying to keep herself from laughing more.
"Fine" That was it, they both fell into a fit of laughter.
"Oh, I almost forgot. I bought a six pack of beer but left it down in my car in case you weren't in... or would let me in"
"Why wouldn't I let you in? You’re Scully’s sister"
"I just thought... but you're right. I will be back in five minutes, just going to run back down to the car and get them and then we can talk about anything you want" said Missy, as she rushed downstairs to grab the beer from her car.
A couple of hours later, the beer had been consumed. They had split the six bottles, three each. Mulder had down his just a little too quickly, while Missy was making her final bottle last.
Mulder wasn't used to having friends over (usually preferring to drink alone) and it soon became apparent that he did indeed call Missy a friend. They laughed and talked about Scully and her childhood... they talked about everything and anything. He was actually enjoying himself, forgetting at least for a little while about his problems, that was until he let his mind wander back to present day Scully, if she was really OK and why she had been pulling away from him the last few weeks.
"I miss Dana" Mulder blurted out, he was slightly tipsy maybe even full blown drunk at this point and thinking about her, his brain just couldn’t catch up with what he had said.
"I know you do, Fox. I can tell you she misses you too. I hope that helps... a little"
"I know you mean well... but it doesn't. Do YOU know what I've done wrong? What did I do to upset her? Or did I do something that made her angry? I just don’t know why she's pulling away from me now, when everything was going so well between us. I know you say it's the Jack Willis case that is taking a toll on her but it feels like more, like it's me. Like me, existence in her life is the problem. Missy, I need to know... did something else happen? Did I do something? I want to fix it before it's too late"
Shit, thought Missy. She had to be very careful in choosing her words right now, so that she didn't accidentally give anything away but damn this was hard, all she really wanted to do was tell him everything about the twins and about why Dana was closing herself off to him.
Missy knew if she did that Dana might never forgive her. would she do it anyway? Without help. She is, after all, a Scully woman stubborn to the bone.
"You didn’t do anything, I promise. She's just got a lot going on at the moment, has to work through some stuff on her own and then she will be her old self again. Stronger even. She cares about you a lot, don’t ever forget that... OK? Just give her this time"
"I love her," Mulder said, before retreating back into himself and locking his emotions away again.
The room fell silent as the words hung in the air; Missy couldn’t think of anything to say to allay his fears any more than she had. She could see Mulder’s eyes begin to fill with unshed tears. Why did the situation have to be so damn hard on everyone? Why couldn’t Dana just say how she really feels? She thought about what she should say next, or what to do next as she got a little closer to him and gave him a hug, hoping to steer him into a more lightweight conversation, she succeeded and they talked about sport, aliens and even Scully some more; his favourite subject.
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I haven’t had time to write in you, during the last couple of weeks. I can't believe it... time has been flying by. I’m now 26 weeks and bigger than ever. I didn’t feel like I needed to write in, to be honest life was good, Mulder and I have been really good or so I thought but I will get to that in a little bit.
We have had a couple of weird cases as of late and with that in mind. I'd like to tell you about some friends of Mulder's I met... the Lone Gunman. What an experience that was!
Their names are Richard ‘Ringo’ Langly, Melvin Frohike, and John Fitzgerald Byers.
Langly is tall with long blonde hair and wore a t-shirt with his favourite band on, The Ramones. Frohike is short with dark hair, personally he gives me the creeps but I think that to do with him having the hots for me, which is a little bit "eww" for my taste and then there is Byers, loves his suits apparently and was also taller than me and had brown hair with a brown goatee beard which I think looks good on him.
I don't think you could find three people more suited to be friends, and friends of Mulder's if I were being completely honest. The fact that they were hackers and had helped Mulder out of sticky situations, it was nice to finally meet them.
Anyway, what you really want to know is... what happened today, right? Oh god, where do I start? So, I was pottering about my apartment doing laundry, cleaning dishes etc.
Missy had gone over to Mom’s again because we both needed a break, we were starting to get underneath each other's skin and feet a little bit. I had just sat down on the sofa wrapped up in a warm, cosy blanket and just about to relax after all the housework I had done when there was a knock at the door. I grunted and muttered some inappropriate language under my breath as I stood up; my back, feet and ankles were swollen and sore.
I really wasn’t in the mood for the company but there I was opening the door anyway, only to find Mulder standing on the other side; in casual jeans, a brown T-shirt and leather jacket, as autumn was upon us I admit it had been getting a little brisk outside.
He looked at me and smiled and that’s when I realised what I was wearing. I stood there in an oversized baggy black sweater and regular grey leggings because even though I was huge, I still wasn't ready to wear maternity clothes while in the comfort of my own home.
I couldn't help but sigh as I let him into my apartment.
He had brought beer and a movie, and make himself at home sitting on my couch without asking me. Not that I would have said no, it was nice to see him.
It was nice. I have to admit that I had missed him a great deal and it actually felt like old times.
Mulder put the movie that he had brought along, into the VHS player and sat back down next to me on the couch, offering me a beer that I politely declined which got me a world famous Fox Mulder raised eyebrow but he didn’t say anything, saving me from having to mention why I wouldn't be drinking tonight, or any other night for a while. I grabbed the nearest pillow to try and help hide my growing belly from him. I decided to sit close to him but far enough away that he couldn't touch me, much to his obvious disappointment.
An hour disappeared without my even noticing it, the alcohol flowed freely... at least, on Mulder’s part anyway. He finally looked relaxed in my company, I was equally as relaxed to be around him again and making comments about the film he had chosen for us to watch. Ironically, Mulder had picked 'Aliens' which in our line of work made me laugh out loud. He knew I hadn’t seen it, and yes I have seen the first one but not Aliens, or Alien 3.
I had made a promise a couple of months back, to watch it with him and tonight I made good on that promise. Mulder kept looking at me in a certain way, like he wanted to say something or something was weighing heavily on his mind but he didn’t know how to bring it up without ruining our night, which was going well up to this point, thankfully.
It was starting to make me uneasy. We were enjoying ourselves, I thought. But I could tell something was coming like an oncoming storm, questions that I didn’t have the answers for... not right now and I didn't want to get into another fight. Not tonight.
Another hour and a half went by and the credits started rolling their way down the TV screen. Mulder lent forward grabbing the remote from between us on the couch and putting the TV on mute. He looked directly at me and said that the only thing they got right about the aliens was their colour which made me chuckle softly.
He looked at me again and smiled, causing my sweet innocent chuckle to turn into a deep, from the bottom of my stomach laugh and then his smile turned serious and that was when it all went wrong. So wrong!
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Mulder looked directly at Scully, big blue eyes studying her pale complexion. He had been wanting to ask her a few questions all night but couldn't think of the right way to ask them. They were delicate and ran the risk of upsetting her even more than he knew she was. He took a nervous swig from his bottle of beer, hoping for some liquid courage after the turmoil his mind had been putting him through, thinking it best to just come out, ask and hope against everything that he got the truth and some answers he was looking for, from her tonight.
The way Mulder said her name made her heart jump, her nerves kick in and the blood rush to her brain in the anticipation of what as going to happen next. She knew it was coming but she wasn’t ready, would she ever be ready? All the lies had been piling up over the last few months, and the idea of explaining it all now filled her with the level of stress she didn't know was possible.
"What changed?" whispered Mulder, still looking deeply into her eyes.
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck Scully thought, but said "What do you mean Mulder?"
"Don’t play coy with me, Scully. Let me be more clear, what happened between us? We were happy, we were spending nearly every waking moment together and then one day we weren't. I want to know why? What happened? What could I of possibly done to deserve this from up? Tell me... Please"
"Well, I don't know what to say... a lot has happened recently, and that case with my ex really affected me. Honestly, it made me reevaluate things" Scully offered him, at least she wasn’t completely lying to him now.
"So everyone keeps telling me. I just don't believe it... it feels like more than that. Like I'm responsible for, at the very least, a portion of the reason you've pulled away from me" Mulder muttered underneath his breath "Reevaluate what, Scully? Us? Your job? What?"
"Life, Mulder. The unnecessary danger I put myself in everyday... I don't want to be killed. There are things I want to do with my life" Scully said, it was the honest truth.
"That doesn't really explain why you stopped talking to me... don't you think I would understand if you wanted to avoid dangerous fieldwork? I don't want you to be hurt because of me, you should know that by now" he looked at her, starting to see the water brimming in the corners of her eyes "At some point... we stopped being friends, you stopped confiding in me, and now you won’t let me touch you. I'd like to know why. In the past month you have changed in so many ways; the clothes you wear, the way you act at work, the way you respond to me. It scares me. Scully, please, just tell me why"
Scully looked at him, deep into his hazel eyes that portrayed so much raw emotion, he was hurting more than she thought and quite possibly maybe more than she was. She hated what she was about to do and for once she was absolutely certain he would hate her too.
"We were never friends, Mulder! Not even lovers, it was just a fling and I'm sorry you thought it was more but it never was. We're just two people who work together, OK? I haven’t changed, you're just seeing the real me. I told you when we first met, in that dingy bar that I didn’t want a relationship and I still don’t. It was just easy sex, for me. Do you understand now? Just sex, nothing more" she replied, the matter of factly and without a shred of emotion. It was so ice cold, she scared herself. She figured that if she said it in such a way, Mulder would have no choice but to believe her.
"You're lying, Scully! Not just to me, but to yourself. Why would you say that? How could you use me, after everything I told you. After everything we have shared about our lives," Mulder was red-faced and angry, his fingers clenched into a fist on his right hand and nails digging into the palm.
"I was sent to spy on you, and that’s what I did Mulder. I spied and fucked you, to get close to you and learn more... and reported back to them. Like I was always supposed too. You never knew me!"
Mulder couldn’t take it anymore, he grabbed the back of her neck and brought his lips to hers and kissed her, roughly. Scully put both of her hands on his chest, pushing back against his force and slapped him as hard she could, the sound of it ricocheted around the silent room.
"Ha! I knew it... God, I knew it. I mean a lot more to you than just a "work colleague". I see the way you look at me... with love and adoration. You can't fake that, Scully, as much as you might pretend you can... you fucking can't! You love me, and I think you should start being honest with yourself about the way you feel, before it's too late to do anything about it... before I'm no longer here to do anything about it. Do you really want to risk me not being here, when you finally come to your senses?" Mulder was practically shouting at her now, his anger being expressed more freely and uncontrollably than it had been given the chance to lately, mind racing and heart pumping.
"Get the fuck out now! I am done with you and your bullshit, Mulder! You don't know me or what I want in my life. Leave me home, immediately and don't ever call me again or stop by unannounced" Scully screamed, at the top of her lungs not caring about the neighbours anymore, she was so incredibly angry at him. How dare he say these things to her! Mostly, she was angry with herself though. She had made such a mess of her life and the very idea that he wouldn't be there when she got her shit together infuriated her, so she used all that pain and anger to make him leave.
Mulder stood up, grabbed his coat and opened the front door of her apartment "See you Monday!" he threw over his shoulder at her and then slammed the door closed.
Scully struggled to get up from the couch and walked over to the door, knowing Missy wasn’t going to back that night and locked it. She was about to go back to the sofa when her knees gave out and she fell to the floor, her back flat against the door, elbows on her knees and hands cupping her face as she cried for everything she had done to him and everything she was going to do, before finally whispering "I love you" into the empty room.
Unbeknownst to Scully, Mulder had not walked directly to the elevator, he had also fallen to his knees with his back flush against the other side of the door, tears streaming down his face and collecting into puddles on his lap.
It was late and he knew nobody would be around and he whispered ‘I love you’ into the poorly lit and empty hallway. He loved her so damn much, every waking moment was spent thinking about her, the way her body would react when they were in the same room. The electricity between them. He couldn’t be the only one to feel it, could he? Why would she do and say these things to him? How could she do this? Why does it feel like his glass heart had just been shattered into a thousand million piece? How could he fall in love so deeply, with everything he had and be told it was a mistake on his part? Damn her, damn the relationship! He got up and walked to his car, muttering something about needing another drink, a stronger one and just drove, ignoring the speed he was driving at.
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So, that’s when I decided I needed to write in you. I’ve been a fool, thinking I could be his friend and work colleague, his feelings run deep as do mine. I know I have hurt him, beyond repair lately but he hurt me more than words can express tonight so I hurt him back just as hard, just like children fighting on a playground, scoring points. I just wish we had said something different instead of arguing, that he didn't bring it up all, when he knew it would only make things worse between us. Skinner approved my ‘Vacation’ time, without prying into why I wanted it now, which means I won’t be seeing him Monday morning. Fuck, I love Fox Mulder. I do. Everything he said was true, I shouldn't have expected less from a man who desires the truth from everyone he meets. I cannot believe the things I said to him tonight. I didn’t mean them. I hate myself for saying such things but it worked, he left and won’t be coming back anytime soon. I hope! Actually, that's another lie... I'm terrified he won't ever come back to me, that I've ruined the only good thing that's ever happened to me. Here I sit alone, like I thought I wanted, but I wasn't really alone, I had my babies... my last link to Mulder. Both of them were kicking and punching my insides, at least they weren't going to leave me, the thought of making me laugh. But I know the reason they're kicking so violently, they are protesting what I have just don't to there father. Even in utero, I can tell they love him. Irony of it all is... I’m doing it from them. I will always put them first. Nothing will be placed above them, not even my love for Mulder.
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This will be the last entry for a while, and all I’m going to say is... it's done!
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Mulder was way past worried at this point, because he hadn't seen or heard from Scully in almost three weeks, and was staring down a nervous breakdown over her absence in his life.
Not since they erupted at each other in her living room that fateful weekend. Maybe he was stupid to expect to see her Monday at work like everything was still normal and they hadn't said horrible things to each other but what he didn’t know at the time was Skinner had approved four weeks vacation time for her.
He knew that she was angry at him but didn't think she wouldn't call or email in that time frame. It just wasn’t like Scully. Regardless, of how their relationship was at any time, she would always let him know she was fine. That fact alone was troubling him.
So, after he had woken up from yet another night terror(something that had disappeared from his life since meeting Scully) he decided to go visit her and apologize, to grovel at her feet if necessary, to tell her how he really feels about her and prays she feels the same way too. He couldn’t lose her not now, he couldn't go back to his dark, lonely existence. It would destroy him.
He poured himself a mug of coffee and sat at his tiny kitchen table watching the sun come over the horizon filling his living room with light and thought long and hard about the different ways he could say I’m sorry. After a minute he found one that felt right on his tongue and didn't leave a bitter after taste, he quickly got changed into some sweatpants, a cream and brown shirt and slid his cold black leather jacket along his arms.
Grabbing his keys, gun, and badge and quickly slipping his feet into his sneakers, still thinking about Scully, and then went down to his car got in and drove straight to her apartment complex.
Twenty minutes later he had parked and was staring up at her bay window but made sure he was out of sight, in case she decided to look out of her window at that unfortunate moment, still debating on what to say and what he should do. Now he was doubting if he should do this at all, so he sat there for another ten minutes before saying to himself "it’s now or never"
Mulder stepped out of his car looking around at the scenery before him, the trees looked bare and were covered in small water drops and he could smell the rain from the night before, puddles reflecting the morning light bouncing across the windows of the surrounding environment, the air was brisk and cold as he held is jacket against his chest as not to let any wind onto his chest. He put one foot in front of the other until he reached Scully’s door, knocking once and waited; there was no reply, so he knocked again and still nothing and he couldn't make out any sounds. It was silent on the other side, causing a bad feeling deep within, so he went to find the landlord expecting to have to show his badge to him but the poor old man actually remembered him from all of the times he had slept over at Scully’s apartment, handing the key to Mulder without a word. He walked back up to her apartment, putting the key in the door and unlocking it... what he saw next, wasn’t something he was expecting and it shocked him to his very core, brought tears to his eyes. Mulder walked into Scully's apartment finding it bare and Barron and he fell to his knees crying, the last thing on his lips was her name.
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also tagging some friends, @invisigoth-1013 @viceversawrites
