#wls struggles

Mental health is kind of at a standstill. The food/liquid/pills thing is still a struggle for me, and it takes 90% of my brain power to deal with that. If I have to go out or do anything major, one of those things is going to suffer. Usually it's pills, but lately it's been fluids and that is so not good. My sister has been leaning on me a lot lately and between that and my mom trying to lean on me I am emotionally drained and just fucking exhausted. I need a break but I'm not going to get one because life doesn't stop. My therapist is on medical leave so I'm not doing that any more right now. There's a walk in counselling clinic I might hit up this week because I'm overwhelmed and my disability was denied and my sister is here and my place is a mess again and just. God, I need a break.

I’ve also been slacking off on the eating part. Yesterday I didn’t eat until six hours after I woke up. Today it was three hours. Supposed to eat within an hour and a half to two hours of waking. I’ve been relying on freezer meals as well, because I just don’t feel like cooking. I did get some shopping done so I feel more secure about the food situation. I’m broke as fuck and it’s not even halfway through the month, but I’ve got ten cans of tuna in the cupboard, six chicken breasts, three pounds of ground beef, a pound of ground chicken, and six cups of chili in the freezer. Food security is a big thing for me because of how I grew up, so I have to remind myself to calm down and relax, I’ve got food and I’m not going to starve. This is being a bit more of an issue than I anticipated because where before I could go to the food bank, now the food bank doesn’t offer a lot that I can eat.

I am, however, doing better on the medication front. I moved my calcium chews to the desk so I have to stare at the box and that’s making me taken them three times a day, yay! My sister offered to pay for my calcium and I might let her, because it’s fucking expensive.

I still have only lost like two pounds in the last three weeks but I’m just trying not to let it get to me. I can get on the Wii Fit board so I’m calling that a win. I’m focusing on getting my fluids and protein and meds and just letting the chips call where they may.

I found I can drink Boost on its own, which is amazing because I thought the sweetness would be too much but it’s fine. I also just discovered I can handle lemon water. THANK GOD. This means I can ditch at least some of the juice, which is more sugar and calories than I need.

I went and spent an entire (small) paycheque on food yesterday, because I am tired of eating tuna and cheese. I also found that I need to get rid of my tortillas, because while before it wasn’t that big a deal they are actually kind of are now. I can’t eat the whole wheat ones because they’re too heavy, and I had some white ones and then spent all night dreaming about eating frosting. So, uh. Too many carbs. Need to find a bakery that does fresh pita instead. You’d think in a city with such a massive Muslim population I’d be able to find some freaking fresh pita, but noooo.

Today has been a Bad Day in terms of protein/fluid/pills. I’ve had a cup of hot cocoa, the quesadilla, and about half cup of tea. No pills at all. I’m bloaty and uncomfortable and really feel  like I need to burp but no amount of burping is helping. I’m thirsty as fuck but the mere thought of putting something into my body makes me want to yark. I’m nauseated and just feel bleh. I slept like shit, woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t get back to sleep until the wee hours this morning. Slept like shit all morning and didn’t get out of bed until 2. Just a nasty kind of blech day.

Cheese is a thing, though. I have some half-fat cheddar that I thought would be okay, and it turns out it is most definitely not. No dumping, but I’m queasy and not feeling so fantastic so I think it’s just too fatty for me. I might try it again in a few days just to make sure, but I think I’ll have to stick to mozzarella which is tragic because I really dislike it. But whatever, better than no cheese at all.

The scale shifted slightly, and I’m sitting at 315- I haven’t seen that number in at least twelve years, so yay! I’m also a mere 5 pounds from my mini-goal of losing 10% of my weight, so yay again!

Two weeks, and I’m still alive, yay! The scale has not moved in five days. Boo. Trying not to focus on that, because there’s a large part of me that thinks this is just my life now- struggling to get fluids and protein and still being fat as a house. I want to cry when I think about it.

Wounds are healing nicely- two are completely closed with scabs off, so now comes the fun part of massaging the scar tissue to break it up. Tempted to take tylenol beforehand because as I recall from past surgeries it hurts like a bitch. The other three wounds are still working on it- I should be slathering them with ointment to keep them supple and minimize scarring, but I honestly don’t care that much. Meh.

Meds are going well. Mental health is, if not good, still vastly improved now that the Hulk on steroids phase is over. Today my goal was take a shower and shave my legs. Tomorrow the goal is to take a walk. Not sure what I’m going to do on Saturday, but Sunday I’m going back to my place to help my sister get it ready for my return and to pick up Chanukah supplies, then do first night with the kids. Hopefully go home on Monday, and I’ve got a coffee date with a friend that afternoon. Tuesday is a Chanukah party, Wednesday I see my doctor. Friday I can go to work with the excuse that I need my pay stub.

I think keeping busy is going to be the hardest thing. I won’t need to go out every day, but I should most days. It’s not a fantastic time of year for me; the days are dark and getting darker, and Christmas rush means more people everywhere and that’s stressful for me. It’s ironic that the time I most need work to keep me busy, it’s the one thing I can’t do.

Mood wise I hope things will even out a bit. Shark week arrived at last, three days later than anticipated but at from past data the rage should drop off sharply and maybe even the tears will lessen. It was just a Bad Time for PMS so hopefully with that out of the equation I’ll be able to deal with things better. Like the fact that I’m not losing weight- which I know is normal for the scale to not move, because clearly I’m not taking in anywhere near enough calories to maintain my weight. But it’s still discouraging.