#wishonthem

i hate covid. and i'm so so sick of it. i'm sick of the polarizing opinions and worrying that my kids will get sent home from school again. i'm sick of getting a cold and feeling like a jerk when, testing negative, i still have to go outside because my life can't be put on pause because of a cold. i'm sick of so much. i'm sure you're all sick of covid too and i bet you have so many more reasons that could be added to that list. so do i.

but i have this thing that keeps cropping up every time i hear that some countries or parts of countries are loosening up their covid restrictions. it's not a fear of getting sick or of someone i love getting sick. it's a fear of what is going to happen when this finally goes away.

i remember how uncomfortable it was to adjust to covid. to have long stretches of separation from my friends and family due to quarantine. having so much information flying around that you couldn't keep up and definitely couldn't tell what was true. restrictions would be put in place and removed so randomly that it felt like whip lash.

but the worst part of all of it was the shift of relationships. one of my very important friendships fell apart because she took mine&my family's stance on vaccinations as offensive. and then took it personally, even though i promise it never was. i hate conflict and i hate confrontation and i'm very good at disagreeing with people and working damn hard to make sure our disagreements don't cause us to fall apart. she seemed to decide that it wasn't worth making it work. and now we're months out. i've done so much to try to broker peace, and it's made absolutely no difference to her. my olive branch has not been reciprocated.

so i'm tired of trying and i'm taking a break for a while.

i think where the fear of covid going away comes from is that there's going to potentially have to be a big awakening of what a bunch of babies we've been over this whole thing. we've been big selfish, whiny, "i'm right your wrong", babies. i can adjust to someone deciding they're bailing out of our friendship. but i'm not looking forward to any more attempts at repair because it's awkward and uncomfortable and now there's a new layer of "oh this is who you really are". i don't know that i need that in my life. right now i can hide behind covid and restrictions and family rules doing our best to follow government rules because even when they SUCK i believe they should have some element of respect. this does not always apply, obviously, but hi, i'm erin. rule follower extraordinaire.

i can't be sure this is coming across right. maybe i'm completely misinterpreting where my anxiety comes from any time i hear that we're moving in the right direction when it comes to this virus. maybe it's just that i have a deep loathing towards change and i've finally adjusted to this new chaotic world. so much so that any movement back to the old normal feels like new change and ew. no thanks from me.

i have repaired all my broken up relationships. so now i have nothing to write about.

my head has been so quiet lately. i suppose that should be noted as a good thing. it's just that it's not a good thing when i all i feel like doing is going on here to whine about something.

what can i whine about... nope. everything over here is pretty quiet. ok. so instead i'll just talk about how i re-downloaded pokemon go and have been roaming around aimlessly all over my city feeling far too old and too conspicuous.

everybody i pass has got to be fully aware that the only reason i'm going for a walk is to hatch some eggs and take over gyms and take my snorlax for a stroll. why else would i be out there, anyway? why are THEY? hmm? definitely not because the smoke has finally cleared and the sun is shining brilliantly and there's a high likelihood that this walk will have us all stumbling upon a mother deer with her two sweet babies.

i have no problem fully admitting that i am somewhat of a dull human most of the time. that i am someone who goes along to get along and am very friendly and agreeable. upon getting to know a girl i used to work with she said that everyone must agree that i am very kind.

well i also don't mind admitting that i created this blog somewhat as a space to sound like a whiny, angry, and rather irritable person. because it's the opposite of who i try really hard to be in my face to face interactions.

i had a really lovely chat with the cashier at my nearby grocery store.

everyone should have a space where they can empty out their ugly thoughts. but if there's nothing ugly in there at the moment, then this space will have to also work as a spot to admit that i am really enjoying my pokemon go experience and if you want to add me as a friend, my code is: 8218 8745 3298

for now,