#wintermelodia

1, 2, 3 I wish we had kisses more than the petals in a wilting sunflower, more nights in each other's arms than the fingers in the clock. 4, 5, 6 The clock ticks inside my head one blink there were smiles everywhere but here second blink and the tears starting to fall. 7, 8, 9 The memory of you still lingers on my skin like a stain I cannot wash, just one drop of you, just a drop and I'm no longer the same. 10, 11, 12 Midnight, the time I could catch glimpse of my past self the helpless crying girl who still hopes for your return again and again 1, 2, 3 The sun rises and I'm back to square one Lost in the cycle Filled with void feeling and despair.

The truth is... There are doors that open unexpectedly, there are ones you want to open but would never bulge. There are doors that close unexpectedly, there are rooms that have a door but without windows. There are doors you wish to close but stay forever open. Sadness is beautiful but not everything beautiful is good. “I’m over you,” simply won’t cut it. Love is sometimes written with temporary ink and so is pain but memories become parts of our genes. It’s neither goodbye nor I’m sorry that hurts the most. “I tried.” You may have created an ocean with your tears but is never equal to the end. You may have to create a river. Nobody had it easy because nobody knew how hard it can be. Places you’ve gone together will always remind you of him but so will the places you never even planned to visit. Blood can be as thin as water, even thinner. It may be the wrong person but it may never be enough to unlove. Love has no eyes but humans do. Light can be as scary as the darkness and sometimes the dark is better. There are questions better left unanswered. There are questions you want to ask but can never do. There are questions you never knew existed. There are questions you wish you knew the answers to. Sometimes, someone or something takes over us, the things we want to do but we can’t, the things we shouldn’t be doing but we do, the things we vowed never to do but currently enjoying. There are things that you want so much but slips through. The truth is sometimes, the best way to die is to live. The truth is the truth changes over time.

Winter: I can't sense sadness in your poems

Darling, it will always get worse at night. The silence that surrounds you will make you want to reach for the hands that you never held and ache for a presence beside your bed that was never filled. Your hand will look for a pen as it longs to write another last letter, another poem, another set of words that will only deepen the wound that's taking all the blood from your body. Your own melancholy will drown you and you would just like to drown yourself in it. But this time, I am telling you, you should swim. You should paddle your way to the shore. You should go back to where you belong. Darling, you spent one hundred and thirty nights filling your mind with thoughts of him and your heart with love of him but when it is too much, it will overflow. It will rise on the surface and suddenly your thoughts and love for him are all wasted. He threw them away the moment he chose to walk out of your life as if he is just a gust in the wind, touching you if it wants to and going away completely. He would tell you he loves you as he shots you with thousand of bullets that would make you feel like dying but would not completely kill you. Darling, you deserve more than that. You deserve more than nights of sobbing because memories strike you in the gut again. You deserve more than moments of staring into nothingness just because you are waiting for a message that will never come. You deserve more than those empty promises and futile affection. You deserve more than how he treated you. You are the entire galaxy and you will find someone who will love your every planet, every star, every celestial body that you have. He chose to step on your moon just so he could stand his flag in it. Darling, it is time to remove it.

You will miss him for a lot of nights until you learn how to get used to it, until you learn how not to miss him anymore.

I am still waiting here. I have been sitting in this place where you left me and the memories of the day when we parted ways still linger in my mind.I still remember the way you gently held my hand that September night. Every touch is a promise, every whisper is a star that I tried to catch, every kiss is a sign of forever. I can still remember the serene look of your face and the way you look at my eyes as if you do not have any plans of looking at anything anymore. I could still remember every single word that escaped from your mouth. I could still remember the symphony of your voice as you carefully let them out. You told me you are not going anywhere. You told me you would be back. You told me it wouldn't be long before we would be together again. And from that nigh on, I cling on to those words as if it would hold my dear life. I was sure you would not let me waiting for so long in the cold. I was sure that it would not take long before I could finally feel your hands in mine. But days have passed and I am still sitting here, still not seeing any trace of you. Where are you my love? Have you forgotten about me? One hundred twenty one sunrise and one hundred twenty two sunset had passed by and you’re still not here, my love. Have you lost your way home? Have you forgotten the promises we had made under the cerulean blue sky that day? Had the stars where we used to whisper our wishes of future together had became a falling star, that it had burnt with it those wishes we made? The tulips and lilies that we planted together in our garden had long withered as my sliver hope of you coming back is slowly wilting. Have i told you i have given up my coffee and settle for shots of vodka just to make me feel numb in the dusk? I was hoping the next morning I’d woke you’ll be standing in my bedroom door, offering my a honeyed water while scolding me from being drunk. The journal where we used to write together are now filled with verses of melancholia I have written sometime at dawn when I woke up missing you again. for months I am convincing myself that you are coming home, that I am your home but still no words came from you. Should I still wait for you? or must I try to write a new chapter of my book? Your words are echoing in my ears whenever they played our song, where are you? And I have watched the flowers bloom when spring came. It should have been nicer if we can marvel at their beauty at the same time as we lie on the grassy ground on the park. The butterflies were dancing so gracefully above them but the ones you have given me have died since your footprints created an aisle away from me. I heard the rhythm of the waves as they crash through the shore when summer came. The sun always greets me with a smile but I can’t return the gesture, not at all. I should have been holding your hand as we walk along the beach while watching the sun meets the horizon. I am sure you’ll love the color of the sky to where I am right now but then you chose to gaze at it on the other side of the world. When autumn came, I was falling apart as the leaves detach themselves completely from the tree where they once belong with. I should have been taking photographs of them with you as you tell me there is beauty even if they are dying. But right now everything is dull and lifeless in my eyes. I can’t even look at them without my heart aching to be with you. As winter came, my whole being was already frozen. And as the snow falls endlessly on my pavements, I keep on thinking on how much my hands feel so numb without you touching it. December nights should be full of colors and lights so I guess I lost my sight when I lost you. Seasons have changed but not my love for you. Where are you my love? I am dying without you here. You might not find me when you don’t come around soon. I planted a new set of tulips and lilies the next spring when I heard you're coming back to town. I was filled with so much happiness I’m afraid my heart would burst, knowing you had found your home,that your coming home to me. My mornings are now filled with coffees, toast and pancakes, our kitchens banging music, those one we used to dance to. The blanket of gloom and despair where I have wrapped myself while waiting for your return had been set aside. every morning I woke up greeted by the faint ray of the sunlight, this time I could smile back at it. See, I still wore the smile you had given me before you left.But as sudden as I held my old self back,someone had turned off the switch. Somebody blows my candle of hope, and I've heard the news--you’re not coming home alone, you’re with a family of your own, your new home. There was a fountain of denial that was bursting from my insides the moment I heard those phrases. It can not be! There must be something wrong! You promised, my love, you promised me that it would not take long. You promised me that we would finally make our dreams come true the moment you take a step back to my door. You promised me that we would never be apart anymore. But why my love? Why did you build another home that is not me? Why did you sleep in another woman's bed while I was tracing the empty space in mine every single night? Have you forgotten the promises you made that night? Have you forgotten about me? I could feel my insides crumbling down and I could not do anything about it. Looking at you is like stabbing myself with a dagger. How could you just do this to me, my love? How could you just throw everything that we have worked for? I guess I was never good enough for you. I guess that there is no point in waking up every morning when I know that you have left me completely. Don't worry my love, I'll be leaving tonight. I carefully pick up a container from the medicine cabinet. It has been laying there but tonight, I believe it will help me through this. I tried to swallow one, and then five but it seems like it doesn't have any power over me. Twentieth pill and there’s still no effect, all my life I’ve waited for everything. For my father’s arrival, for you coming home and now, I still have to wait for this drug to take its effect and take me somewhere away from these memories that puts me to doom. Every piece of me trembles and aches, I could feel the pain of betrayal and the pain of my own heart breaking slowly and my being crumbling and my flesh rotting into despair and anger. I couldnt take it any longer. Thirtieth, thirty fifth, forty second, yet, I’m still alive. I’m drowning with my own tears. I'm choking with your promises that were never brought to life. How could you? I wished I could just replace you as easy as you could. I couldn’t take this any much longer. my demons are churning on my inside, they want me alive but I am already dead and as I walked through my study room. I found it, my only salvation. I could fee the coldness of its edge, soon I would be as cold as is. And as my heart was wrapped in numbness, my mind was filled with only one thought-- you. All of your memories kept crashing through my mind. Maybe this is how hell feels like. But then I still love you, this heart still beats for you. The pain is slowly taking its flight away from my insides but I could still see the sight of your face. I will just be here chasing through the love that we weren't able to share. Maybe, if you come here, we'll make it for real. Where are you my love? It's still you. I am just waiting here.

Not a day goes by where you don't write about him. Each passing day, you end up exhaling his name on loose papers, bleeding out words that he continues to take for granted. He made promises that he didn't keep, yet every time he returns with sweet words tucked in his hands, you end up falling all over again. But I think deep down, you know that you never really did fall out in the first place because that's the kind of heart you have - a big one. The kind of heart that longs for kept promises, for sweet butterflies, and for an everlasting love. The kind of heart that longs for a mutual love because you give everything and you just want someone to do the same for you. Remember how you were there for me when I was a mess and I couldn't breathe without exhaling pieces of him? My dear, this is me being here for you this time around. This is me telling you that you will find someone, someday, who will tattoo his promises on his arms rather than keep them loose in his hands. You will meet someone who will breathe in your words and give his exhales when you're running out of air to breathe. You will find someone who will give you his whole heart, placing it right next to yours so you can feel it beat your name. My dear, it's okay to ache for him right now. It's okay to hate him and love him at the same time. It's okay to long for his words, his hands, and his heart. It's okay to feel nothing and everything at the same time. It's okay.