#winnie.

thud, thud, thud, tink! winnie drummed her fingers against the shining pewter mug of mysteriously dark liquid. thud, thud, thud, tink! “tell me a secret.” she said quickly as if the thought were suddenly snatched from a bullet flying past. winnie sat forward. violet eyes burned, imploring an immediate answer. “tell me something that no one else knows.”

do they ever mention this agreement again? as a joke? all the time (never around goldie, though). they know they were just kids and they know they didn’t have any idea what they were talking about then. now, do they ever mention it seriously? probably. they’ve had to have wondered themselves what would have happened if they’d actually slept together then. what would have changed? would they still be friends? would they still be in each others lives? would it have been a mistake? would it have not been a mistake? the questions are there, of course. but, the only thing those questions to is produce more questions because there’s no way to know the answer.

do they regret who they actually lost their virginities to? wimberley, yes. winston, no. that’s simply because wimberley sees sex as something emotional and can’t exactly be casual with it, whereas winston sees it as casual and is only emotional with it when he’s in a relationship. wimberley’s first time was with a boy she thought loved her during her senior year, a boy who broke her heart and left her feeling empty and used after he broke up with her two days later. winston’s first time was with a girl he dated for a little bit during the same year, and they both knew they wouldn’t last, but they were both fine with sleeping together. it took wimberley a while, weeks even, to actually start to feel normal afterwards--- this had a lot to do with her rotten self image, as instilled by her lousy mother--- and obviously, winston was the one who helped her get back to her old self.

do they wish they had slept with each other instead of whoever they slept with? that’s complicated. so complicated, in fact, that neither of them even like to think about it. but, the short answer for wimberley: sometimes. she knows winston wouldn’t have hurt her, and she knows she wouldn’t after been in such an awful place afterwards, had he been her first time. however, she also knows that nothing would be the same now if they had slept together. maybe they would have drifted apart, maybe they would have gotten into a relationship, maybe they would have slipped up and she would have gotten pregnant (it’s happened before, obviously). there’s no way to know. the short answer for winston: no. but if he was aware of what wimberley thought, he’d feel differently. keep in mind: he cares about her happiness. point blank.

where does goldie fit into all these questions?

well, for starters, she fits in as the realistic center of it all. they can’t wonder about what would have happened, they can’t talk about what would have happened, and they sure as shit can’t do something about it now by figuring it out and sleeping together today. wimberley is a mother to a near - teenage daughter. winston has been in her child’s life since birth with a very specific and unique role (he’s not her uncle, he’s not paternal, he’s just winnie). they don’t have the freedom of figuring it out what would have happened, not anymore, not when goldie has to be considered. they just can’t so they just won’t so they just don’t. it’s a question that lived when they were young and died when goldie came into the picture, and that’s not a bad thing.

what does this all mean? FUCK IF I KNOW! does it mean that, given the right mood and the right question to prompt her, wimberley would say that she wishes he would have been her first time? sure. does it mean that, if goldie didn’t exist, they would have possibly given it a try at some point? probably. does it mean that these scenarios mean absolutely nothing because they never slept with each other, goldie was born, and they don’t even want to think about it now? yes.

𝙶𝚠𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚘𝚕𝚢𝚗 “𝚆𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚎” 𝙼𝚌𝙲𝚘𝚛𝚖𝚒𝚌𝚔.

"oh, fuck me."