#winner request

     Blood still covered my shirt and, despite having washed my hands until they turned red, it even remained under my nails. It’s been hours since Juwon died in my arms yet it only feels like minutes. Like it was a terrible nightmare, something I might wake up from and everything would be okay. But at the back of my mind I know it’s real. He’s dead and there’s nothing I can do about it. My only option is to run. Run and hope that they won’t look for me. It’s unlikely they’ll let me go without a fight, anyone who knows anything about the family and isn’t with them is considered a threat. Even if I’ve spent my entire life doing everything in my power for them, it wouldn’t matter once I left- I’d only be a target. 

     A harsh knock sounded at my front door. Eyes wide, I lurched forward scrambling to hide my duffel bag before answering the door. It ended up haphazardly shoved in the small linen closet by the living room. I was slightly breathless when I answered the door, hair frazzled and puffy eyes showing the state of disarray I was in. Out of all the people I expected to show up, it wasn’t him. But I couldn’t help but feel my guard crumble a bit just seeing the expression on his face. A mix of sympathy and worry.

     “Mino… What-.” I tried to whisper but my voice broke before I even finished my question. 

     He stepped forward and pulled me into his arms, his voice soft when he spoke. “I heard about your brother and I got worried.” He pulled back slightly, cradling my face in his hands while looking into my eyes. “I needed to make sure you weren’t hurt.”

     Fresh tears stung my eyes. “Not physically.”

     Mino released me, fully stepping into my apartment to shut the door. As he turned back around his eyes widened upon seeing the state of wreckage that’s currently my apartment. “What happened? It looks like a tornado swept through here.”

     “N-Nothing happened. I just… I’m really upset.” I murmur quietly avoiding his gaze.

     “Okay, well I’m not leaving any time soon,” He replies. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be on your own right now.”

     “I thought you wanted nothing to do with me anymore.” I stepped away from him slightly, anxiously looking at him.

     Mino sighs and steps closer to me, his hand reaching out to tip my chin up so that I look at him properly. “Just because I’m upset with you doesn’t mean I stop caring about you. I hate that you’re in pain, that you’re hurting, and I especially hate that there’s not much I can do about it. Something I can do though, is to keep you company. By not letting you cry and wallow on your own.”

     The last strings that were holding me back from fully breaking down snapped. Next thing I know his arms are wrapped around me while my face is buried in his shirt, tears soaking the fabric. Gentle words spoken softly into my hair, hands drawing circles on my back. I don’t know how long it took for him to fully calm me down, only that it was longer than it seemed. And when I finally pulled away from his embrace the need to forget overwhelmed any other emotion. Just something, anything that would make me forget what I’d witnessed. This urge is what led me to kiss him. Hoping that maybe, just maybe, delving into a physical encounter could erase the memory for a while.

     Except I was stopped. Mino pulled back from me, his eyebrows furrowed. “What are you doing?”

     “I want to forget,” My hands clutch at his shirt, trying to bring him closer. “Please, please help me forget. Just for a little while.”

     He sighs. “It won’t help. I’m not going to sleep with you when you’re like this,” His voice was filled with an unwavering determination. “I won’t take advantage of you when you’re in such a vulnerable state. I’ll help you through it, but not like that. The next time I sleep with you, it’s going to be when your mind is clear and I know that it’s something you truly want. Not something that just happens spur of the moment when you’re caught up in the adrenaline rush or when you’re trying to forget something.”

     “But-.” 

     Mino cuts me off. “No, what you need right now is rest. I’m going to make you some tea, then you’re going to climb into bed and go to sleep. Alright?”

     I hesitate until I see the look in his eyes that’s daring me to disagree. “Alright.”

     “What is this?” Mino’s voice rumbled lightly.

     Sitting up, I blink at him wearily, brain foggy from waking up suddenly. Confusion filtered across my facet. “What is what?”

     He tosses something onto my bed. “This.” 

     I rub my eyes before turning my focus onto the thing he tossed onto my bed. My mouth parted in shock as I saw my duffel bag filled with clothes and essentials. Although it’s pretty obvious what it’s for, the need to deny it was at the forefront of my mind. “Nothing. It’s nothing.” 

     Mino looks at me suspiciously, an eyebrow raised in disbelief. “Really? So if I were to unpack everything that’s in here you wouldn’t be upset?” He pauses for a second, taking a deep breath. “What were you thinking? If someone else had come and found this you’d be in danger. How could you put yourself in that situation?”

     The tone of his voice made my lower lip quiver and my eyes begin to tear up. Upon seeing the genuine concern in his face under the mask of anger and frustration, I felt my already damaged walls start to crumble. “I…” Mino reached out and gently grasped my hands. “I can’t do it anymore.” Sobs wracked my body. “It- it’s too much! All the people I’ve watched die because of this stupid way of life. I can’t watch someone else I love die, I just can’t.” My voice cracked on the last sentence and I averted my gaze from him. 

     “Hey, shh,” He soothed, moving to pull me into his arms. His hand smoothed down my back continually as I cried into his chest. “It’s okay.”

     These walls I had up were never meant to bear this much pressure, having them collapse was inevitable. Though I don’t think they could have fallen in the presence of a better person. He held me until I calmed down, the tears and hiccups silenced. Despite the panic simmering deep within my being, he has such a calming effect. 

     “Are you going to stop me?” I ask softly, hands clenching the back of his shirt.

     “No,” Mino replied in the same manner. “But I’m not letting you go alone, I’m coming with you.”

     I pull my head off his chest to look at him. “Why?”

     He didn’t speak for a few minutes. “Did you know I’ve been in love with you for years? You’ve always been so tough, like nothing could ever bother you or get past your shell. But even the toughest person has their vulnerabilities, those moments where they aren’t as strong, and they need someone to lean on. I want to be that person for you.” Sincerity shone in his eyes. “And I know I can be, if you’d only let me.”

     I’m tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of holding myself back from people. Tired of pretending not to care when that’s all I ever seem to do. Tired of letting fear rule my life. And so I said something that I never would have imagined myself saying. Although, I didn’t say it loudly, it was quiet, hushed. “I’ll let you be that person.”

     Yet somehow he heard me. “Thank you.”

     At the time I didn’t know what I was agreeing to, but after a few days to calm down and look back on what I had planned, it was clear I hadn’t been about to make the best decision. I would’ve acted rashly and gotten myself caught in days, if not hours. I would have ended up dead. Letting Mino become the person I could rely on, the person I could be true and honest with, was the right call. He even came up with a plan. It was one that would take time, a long haul of sorts. However, I knew it would be worth it, no matter how long it took.

     Step 1: Convince everyone we were dating seriously, so that the logical conclusion would be for us to move in together. Of all the parts of the plan, this was one of the longest. For months the two of us had to be seen together almost constantly, glued to each others sides in a sense. It was difficult though, after the boss, Mino’s father, found out that we were seeing each other, he tried to put a stop to it. Claiming that he was in the process of setting up an arranged marriage for him, one that would be good for the family. 

     Upon hearing this Mino became infuriated, yelling and threatening his father, all while I sat quietly in a chair, staring at the ground. When I was asked how I felt about hearing that, my thoughts turned to how everything would be meaningless and that I’d never make it out. My answer was only truth, albeit not the entire truth. “My life would be ruined without him.” And it would be, if I’m being completely honest. I haven’t been in the right mindset after Juwon died. I mean, how could I be? My younger brother died in my arms, all because I didn’t get us out of there in time. It was my fault.

     Step 2: Move in together. While it might seem that this would be a big step, it was relatively simple if you factor in the difficulty of the remaining steps. A small house on the outskirts of the city was obtained, it was quaint and adorable. It actually felt like it could have been home, a perfect one at that. If only it didn’t have to hold such a dreadful future. I almost felt bad for the poor house. Almost.

     Step 3: Acquire fake IDs, passports, and birth certificates. Again, this was another particularly simple task, seeing as we both had some shady contacts. Though some extra finagling had to be done in order to work with someone who had no idea who we were. If we worked with someone we knew through the family, it would be easy for them to figure out what we did if they talked. And getting caught isn’t part of the plan. 

     Steps 4 & 5: Slowly liquidate our assets and purchase explosives. Now, the explosives probably seem pretty questionable. However, these are a vital part of our plan. Well, maybe I should say his plan, because it is his plan. Despite it being my idea, or rather, need, to leave, I didn’t exactly help with the planning process. Except financially, since that’s my area of expertise. Back to step 5, the explosives were meant for our house. Yes, the small quaint home we moved into would be blown up at the end of our plan.

     Step 6: Wait for the perfect cadavers. This is probably the worst step, as well as the longest. Since neither him nor I wanted to have anymore blood on our hands, we had to wait until bodies that would match our basic descriptors showed up. It was difficult to say the least, since we were completely on our own for this one. On multiple occasions I had to pass myself off as a student from a University that had a body farm, asking after those who’ve died and donated their bodies to science. Once my false identity was accepted, I was informed by a coroner about two hours away- her name was Lucille- that if anyone came up with the specifics I’d listed, she’d call to let me know.

     Months. We waited for months. And at the most unexpected time, Lucille called. Two people found dead, due to a poisoning, matching our descriptors. Meaning the last step would be put into action tonight. While Mino went out to collect them, I would stay behind and set everything up. 

     Explosives were set up in every room of the house. Our bags were packed, stuffed with essentials and meaningful mementos. It was set up to look like we’d been targeted as a hit. Surely there would be fallout due to our chosen method, but every other method had more faults. Faults that could lead to us, which was something that couldn’t happen. This was the culmination of everything we’d been preparing for. The final step. The end to it all.

     Two hundred feet away our house was on fire. The flames a dark orange, reaching out towards the night sky. Smoke billowed out of the broken windows, the house creaking in a plea for aid- something it would not receive soon enough to be saved. Most people would be in despair upon seeing their home ablaze, though I guess by now it’s obvious I’m not like most people. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. An enormous weight lifted from my shoulders, and the autonomy that came along was astounding. 

     “Come on,” Mino tugged at my hand, bringing my attention to him. “Let’s go before the first responders get here.”

     I blinked at him, a smile slowly working itself on my face. Fire danced in my eyes as I glanced back at the house. “Most things fire touches, it destroys. But for me,” I whisper softly, gaze focused on the tendrils of the flames twisting in the air. “It has brought freedom.”

In Shinee I ship you with . . . . . . Minho

In Teen Top I ship you with . . . . . . Chunji

In Monsta X I ship you with . . . . . . Changkyun

In Twice I ship you with . . . . . . Dahyun

and in Blackpink I ship you with . . . . . . Jisoo

     Turning to my side and pulling the comforter up to my chin, the calico plush toy comes into my field of vision. Sat in the corner of the room by my closet. Those dark plastic eyes boring into me, carrying such heavy judgement for an inanimate object. But what does it know? It doesn’t have any feelings, no memories, no pain. If it did it might not be staring at me so harshly. Although Eun-Ji gave it to me and she had all of those things. Along with a pure spirit, one that could only be properly defined as effulgent. The world Eun-Ji belonged to didn’t fit her in the slightest, and at the end of it all this discrepancy is how she lost her life. 

     I know what she’d say to me, “It never hurts to try!” Her eyes would crinkle at the corners, almost disappearing as she smiled before continuing. “You deserve to be happy!” But things were never as simple as Eun-Ji made them out to be. Pulling myself free of the comforter and bringing myself to my feet, I tread over to the corner where the plush toy sat. Slipping down the wall beside it, I join the toy on the floor. If the toy were alive, would the hardwood floors be just as cold to it? Head falling lightly to the side, I pull my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms lightly around them. 

     Only the moon lights up the room, placing a spotlight on this corner. It only acts to point out the flaws that marr the toy now- the blood stains it got months ago. I’ve tried, over and over again, to remove the blood that splattered on it. Nothing worked, over twenty methods utilized and still the blood remained. Now it feels symbolic, almost like the toy represents me and no matter how hard I try, I can never escape my reality. I wish the blood would just wash away.

     My arms release my legs letting them fall to the floor. Picking up the toy, I bring it up to my chest, hugging it tightly. Tears fill my eyes, turning the world into a blurry mess. Everything is always a mess, so contorted and twisted beyond imagination. This mess, so bloody and consuming, fuels a fire feeding the madness of danger paired with euphoria. A danger that rips loved ones from our grasps because this is the life we chose, or rather born into in my case. Fury burns through my veins as images of those that were lost linger in my mind. The plush toy in my hand feels like poison, seeping into my skin. As my arm shot out, launching the stuffed cat away from me, a pained scream forced itself past the lump in my throat. 

     “I don’t feel good about this.” I murmur to Juwon, eyes scanning the parking garage we were standing in. There was something in the air, the atmosphere felt wrong, tinged with a feeling of danger lurking. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that there should have been more cars in this parking structure. Or maybe it was the brisk chill in the air that had me tugging my sleeves down to cover my hands. 

     “It’ll be over soon sis. We just gotta wait ‘til my guy shows, he said he had some top tier intel on this new gang that’s encroaching on our turf.” Juwon says quickly, shifting from foot to foot. 

     Despite his words, he seemed just as jumpy as I did. He might not admit it because he likes to put on a brave face, but he must be noticing the ominous feeling lingering in the air. Minutes ticked by excruciatingly slowly, my footsteps fell softly on the concrete as I paced anxiously. 

     My voice is harsh when I turn to question Juwon. “Why did you even bring me? You know I’m technically just a numbers person.” 

     His eyes lowered to the concrete floor. “You’re a better shot than me and I couldn’t bring one of the guys. They tend to act first and think later, you think on your feet and you have faster reflexes.”

     “Great, there’s a potential for things to go wrong!” I groan, throwing my hands up in frustration and walking away from him. After taking a deep breath I turn back to him, my voice lowering significantly. “If getting this info is that dangerous then maybe this should be a gig for more than the two of us.”

     “The guy we’re meeting said that he wouldn’t give out the info if there were more than two people here.” Juwon muttered and turned his head away from me. A second later he crossed his arms and let out a small breath.

     “And that didn’t seem fishy to you?” I question, panicked. Juwon shook his head slowly. “We need to get out of here, this is a trap.” I say quickly. 

     The ice-cold fear wrapped itself around my being as I rushed to the car. This is no info drop, it’s an old play I’ve heard too many times. From what I’ve heard in the past getting a small group together, two to five, from the opposing side and take them out by luring them with intel. It’s a relatively easy trap, as long as your targets don’t already know this tactic. Though it looks like someone forgot to inform my idiot brother of this.

     Yanking the car door open I turned to look at him, only to see him standing frozen in place with wide eyes. “What are you doing? Get in the fucking car, now!” I yell at him.

     An engine revving broke the frenzy jumbling my mind. It was too late, they’re here. “Get behind the car and don’t move. I’ll handle this.” 

     Juwon shook his head. “No, let me help. This is my fault.”

     “You brought me here because I’m a good shot and you aren’t, so hide right now or I swear to all that is holy that once we get out of this I will beat the living shit out of you.” I seethe, my jaw setting in the way that shows determination. 

     Juwon slipped behind the back of the car, ducking down to stay hidden. Not even a second after he hid, a black SUV with tinted windows pulled up to our level. Cautiously I grazed the top of my gun with the side of my hand. I couldn’t act prematurely or they’d know that their plan had failed. Seconds ticked by slowly as I waited for them to get out of the car. Four guys stepped out of the car at almost the same time and I felt my heart freeze in my chest. No matter how good a shot I am, taking out four guys before they could take me down would be a stretch.

     A man with dark shades on, hair slicked back, and a small silver chain dangling from his neck stepped forward. By the air he gave off it seemed he was in charge. A mischievous smile formed on his face as he lowered his shades. 

     “You’re not the guy I spoke with on the phone, babe.” 

     Bile rose in my throat. “I was sent in his place. Did you need him here specifically?”

     The man shook his head, leading the other guys forward until they were five feet from me. “Nah. But since he ain’t here, plans might have to change a ‘lil bit. Whatchu think about that boys?” He chuckled, gesturing to me while tilting his head slightly at his men.

     In this second they simultaneously stepped forward, lecherous grins on their faces. What he meant circled in my head and I knew in that moment that I needed to kill them. Instantly I grabbed my gun from its holster, aiming it at the leaders head. The men halted in their places, looking to their boss for orders.

     “Back off now. This doesn’t have to end badly, just walk away now.” I state. However confident I dared to appear, my nerves showed by the way my voice shook. 

     “You’re outnumbered babe, I don’t think threatening us will work. Besides, it’d be so much easier if you just came with us willingly. We’ll be good to you, promise.”

     A beat later I aimed my gun at the head of one of his lackeys, and before the shot echoed in parking deck my aim was back on the boss. The sound of the body hitting the ground was almost covered by the sound of the shot ricocheting around the parking deck. 

     “Leave now.” I held the boss’ gaze. Meaning I saw the shift in his eyes, from a dark playfulness to rage.

     “Little bitch, I was giving you the chance to go quietly. Not anymore.” He snarled, throwing his body forward.

     Luckily my reflexes were in good condition and I jerked out of the way just in time. Shots rang out, echoing around us. A bullet grazed the side of my ear before embedding itself in the concrete column just by the car. Pulling my gun back up I aim at one of the men closest to me and pull the trigger. Once he hits the ground I change my aim to the last remaining lackey and shoot. Now it’s just me and the leader. I scan the parking deck frantically, he’s ot of sight but he’s still here because his car is right where it was parked. 

     “Looking for me?” 

     I hear his voice seconds before I’m yanked back by my hair and the gun was wrenched from my hands. His face is contorted with rage as he glares down at me. The gleam in his eyes shines in the most dangerous way, there’s no doubt in my mind that this man has tortured people before and enjoyed it. This man would do the same to me.

     “Let me go.”

     He laughs sadistically. “Not happening, you just killed three of my guys. You’re coming with me.”

     The man drags me by my hair for a few feet, but I don’t make it easy on him. Fingers acting like claws as I swipe at him and try to regain my footing in order to fight properly. At this point the fact that Juwon was here had completely slipped my mind, that is until he moved. I watched in terror as he stood, moving out from behind the car with his gun raised. It happened in slow motion, like one of the movies. One minute he was standing there, his mouth set in a thin line showing his determination, gun aimed at the guy dragging me. I scream at Juwon to get back down but he doesn’t listen, instead taking a step forward. He pulls the trigger but he was too late. The leader holding me shot first and I could do was watch as Juwon collapsed, his shirt quickly turning a dark shade of red.

     Something in me snapped upon seeing this, adrenaline surged through my body. Jerking myself free from the grasp on my hair, I spin on my feet and deck the man. I deal a swift kick to one of his knees and pull my gun from his grasp. After the gun is in my hands I don’t waste a second before shooting. Fear, pure and heavy, rushed my movements as I hurried over to where Juwon laid on the ground.

     Uncontrollable sobs wracked me when I dropped to the ground beside him. “What were you thinking?” I place my hands on his stomach, pressing down in a futile attempt to slow the blood flow. “Come on, don’t you dare think about dying on me.”

     Juwon’s blinked slowly at me, eyes unfocused and hazy. “I-I’m sorry,” He drew in a deep shaky breath. “I messed up… My fault.”

     “No, no, you have nothing to apologize for. You weren’t ready to work on your own, they messed up.” Tears trickle down my cheeks.

     “You’re… A good sister.” His eyes fluttered shut and he whispered one last thing, “I love you.”

     “I love you too.” I whisper.

     Laughing drily, Mino’s eyes bored holes into the back of the man’s head, a devilish light taking hold in them. “Maybe we can play a bit more with him…” He squats down, hand reaching out to grasp the man’s hair and yanks his head to the side. “What do you say, man? You up for a little more fun?” 

     The man whimpers, a high-pitched sound of terror. “I-I’m sorry. I m-m-made a mistake. Please-.”

     “How cute. Begging for mercy after coming here and pointing a gun at my head. You should’ve taken what happened to your brother as a warning,” I snarled, taking a step closer to him. “Nobody who messes with us stays alive.”

     Hours later, the office was once again devoid of any unwanted visitors. All that was left was to clean up; the room was a bit… Well, it was a bit bloody. Having a blood-spattered office is not something I approve of, despite my line of work. I prefer a clean and organized working space, one that makes me feel calm and at ease. The kind that’s easy to focus in. My office is a complete one-eighty from the rest of the warehouse; soft and light, very relaxing. While it might not appear that my personality would fit such a room, it’s what I prefer over a dark and intimidating style. 

     Freeing the office of blood was a tedious process. A lot of scrubbing and bleach was involved. There were a few items that couldn’t be saved: my beautiful floral rug, a vanilla sweater that was hanging from the back of my chair, and the small plush calico cat I got from a friend who’d long since passed. However, I couldn’t bear to part ways with the small plush toy, so I put it in a ziplock bag to take home. A few stacks of papers had blood smattered across them, those were going to have to be reprinted or re-written for the record books. 

     Exhaustion was beginning to cloud my head as I walked around, double checking to see if Mino and I missed any spots while cleaning. Currently I was in the office by myself, he had gone to take care of the body. Sitting down after finishing my third lap of the room, I sighed, elbows resting on my knees as I ran my hands through my hair. Dealing with death is nothing new, it shouldn’t be getting to me this much. Maybe it’s because something about his desperation resonated within me. He was so desperate to avenge his brother- a person he loved with his entire being, so much so that he risked his life in the pursuit of revenge. A risk that ultimately failed him. 

     There were times I wished I could go after the man who robbed me of my youngest brother. I even had an opportunity at one point, to take him down. My gun was millimeters from his face, finger on the trigger. But I was stopped. The boss needed him alive, “for the good of the family,” he said. It was a load of bullshit, it wasn’t for the good of the family. He just wanted control of the man who killed my little brother, because the guy held the reins of a significant drug operation. Since the boss had more than enough information to send him to jail, he had to obey or get sent to jail. Who would choose jail? 

     It would’ve been easy to take over the guy’s operation, it was low-scale and his crew was easy to sway. We could’ve swooped in, claiming it as our own and run the operation without him. But no, under the boss’ order he was to remain unharmed. Multiple times I thought about defying orders, seeking out my revenge despite the cost. I couldn’t though, I am exactly what I was raised to be: a loyal little soldier who obeys orders no matter what. Or instead a mindless chess piece, a mere pawn awaiting instruction. Sometimes I feel that’s all I’ll ever be. I won’t have any progression towards thinking on my own, being my own person. I’m just someone who will always be controlled.

     Mino’s appearance at the doorway pulled me from my dark thoughts. He wrung his hands for a moment, looking at the floor before flicking his eyes up to me. “Are you okay? It looks like something’s on your mind.”

     A bitter laugh forced its way past my throat. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just pissed about having to redo a bunch of work.”

     “I can have someone else do it. Maybe you should take a couple days off. You’re always here working, you should take a break. I’ll make sure your job gets done.” He suggests, moving closer to the center of the room. 

     The way the light hits his eyes, creates the feeling that maybe I could fall deep enough into them to disappear. Wouldn’t that be beautiful? Sinking into a place where I might disappear from all others but be held so gently by one. 

     As these thoughts swirled about my mind, he moved closer, until he was mere inches from me. “Let me take you home.” Mino’s voice was soft and his face held a rare tenderness.

     Normally, I push my impulses away. This time I didn’t. No hesitation, no second thoughts. No time for regrets. I just stood up, hands reaching out and grasping onto the back of his neck, and pulled his face close to mine. His eyes widened considerably just before our lips touched. But it appears it didn’t stun him too much, because not even a second later his arms wrapped around my waist. There was nothing gentle or slow about the kiss. It was fuelled by desperation, lust, and longing. 

     Kissing him was like dancing with fire. Exciting, hot, and it held the risk of getting burned if too close. I was a wick waiting to get lit, and he was the flame that set me ablaze. Lips feverishly pressed together, heated breaths, hooded eyes. Hands pushing at clothes that seemed impossible to remove, the light feathery sound from when they eventually met the floor. Quiet moans, heads thrown back, and open mouths. 

     The firm desk pressing against my lower back, legs wrapped around his waist, hands clutching his shoulders. Harsh thudding from the desk continually hitting the wall by our movements. The slick sheen of sweat coating skin. A peak that was so close yet so far away. Until it came careening out of nowhere. Nails digging into skin, choked cries of pleasure. Breathless panting as racing hearts calmed themselves. 

     “Wow, that was… Amazing.” 

     I grab my shirt, pulling it over my head before responding. “Yeah, it was.” Tugging my pants up, I continue, eyes locked on the floor in front of me. “I need to get back home. Does your offer to drive me still stand?”

     “Yes, yes, definitely still stands.” Mino replies, voice warm like honey.

     The walk to his car was a tad awkward, at least from my position. I was already berating myself for sleeping with him- I was just asking to get hurt at this point. But from what I could see, Mino seemed pretty happy with what just happened. He couldn’t stop the smile that threatened to break his face even if he tried. As the car set off, headlights shining brightly in the dark night, his hand reached over and grasped mine. Fingers becoming intertwined, and it felt like my heart constricted in my chest. 

     Maybe he was being dense. Or maybe he was just oblivious. After all he had been flirting with me for the past week since the party and I had just slept with him. The air around him exuded a relaxed contentment, one that held no worry. No fear of what might come next. I wish I could feel half of that. I itched to pull my hand from his, this was too much. We only slept together, it’s not like we committed to each other. How can anyone even think of committing to someone else if they live in such a dangerous world? 

     The second the car rolled to a stop in front of my apartment building I slipped out with a quick word of thanks for the ride. Before he could react I was off, darting towards the glass doors at the building’s entrance. Once I was in the elevator, safely away from his eyes, I leaned against the side wall. My hands curled into my hair, tugging at it lightly in frustration. What was I thinking? Sleeping with him? I must be out of my mind. I just completely went against everything I stand for- I got involved. 

     An electronic ding alerted me that I had reached my floor, and I made my way to my apartment in a daze. I moved about on auto-pilot, getting ready for bed without much effort. In the shower the water was turned on full heat, I needed to erase him from me. I could still feel him all over my body, like he was right next to me, caressing my skin softly. His words so gentle and passionate in my ears. What I hated the most was that I enjoyed it and I wanted it to happen again. My traitorous body was already craving him again. 

     Dragging my hands through my hair, I saw his smile clearly printed in my mind. It was quick, a single tear slipped down my cheek. Then another, and another, until I was fully sobbing in the shower. Choked sobs and hiccups bounced against the tile, echoing throughout the room. Mino read more into this than he should have. And now I have to smash the happy image he holds of a future together. I’m going to hate seeing the smile leave his face. 

     A loud knocking at my door woke me up from a deep slumber. My body felt too stiff, limbs heavier since I wasn’t fully awake. I stumbled out of bed, rubbing my eyes as I trudged out of my bedroom and to the front door of my apartment. Yanking the door open, I blearily stared at the person whose hand was raised in preparation to knock again.

     “I’m here! Who are you to be knocking so loudly this early-.” My mouth shut abruptly as I finally took in who was standing in front of me. “Mino,” I breathed out in shock. “What are you doing here?”

     The only answer he gave me was a grin as he brought a paper bag into my line of sight before sweeping past me and into my apartment. “I brought breakfast.” Accounting for the time, he appeared to be much too chipper this early in the morning. “I figured you hadn’t eaten since maybe eight last night.” 

     Shutting the door, I turned around to follow him with my head tilted slightly in confusion. “Yes, and? That still doesn’t explain why you’re here.”

     “I wanted to bring you breakfast, is that clear enough?” Mino replied with a chuckle. “Besides, you left so quickly after I dropped you off we didn’t have time to talk. I thought maybe we could talk over breakfast.”

     I blinked slowly, staring at him as he started to unpack the bag of food onto my coffee table. The aroma of bacon hit my nose and cause my belly to let out a loud rumble. I guess food isn’t such a bad idea, especially since it smells so good. Humming gently I took a seat beside him on the couch, reaching out for one of the wrapped goodies. I mumble out a muffled word of thanks around the food shoved into my mouth. Avoiding his eyes while we eat is a difficult task as I feel his gaze burning into me. 

     Mino takes a swig from his coffee cup, sets it down on the table and then turns to face me. “You ran off pretty fast last night, I wanted to talk.” 

     I take in a deep breath, setting down my food. “I had a lot on my mind.” I whisper, my eyes slowly traveling to meet his.

     “I understand, everything happened pretty fast. Honestly, I was hoping last night would be the start of something. What do you think?” He asks, his hand reaching out to gently grasp mine.

     My heart seizes in my chest. With the way he’s looking at me, it feels like the words have turned to stone in my throat. “I don’t think,” I murmur, pulling my hand from his and motion between us. “That this is a good idea.”

     His brows furrow in confusion. “Why?” 

     “I’m not… It’s just-.” I huff in frustration and stand up. “I don’t want to get into a relationship. It’s not something I want right now- actually it’s not something I want ever. If you want something purely physical, I might be able to do that as long as it’s without strings.”

     Mino gets to his feet, walking over to me. “What’s so wrong with the strings? You have to know that I don’t want just the physical aspect of a relationship with you.”

     Looking away from his intense stare, I grit my teeth before responding. “I’m well aware of what you want, but I can’t do that. I can’t be that person for you.”

     “Why not?” He reaches out and tilts my head so that I’m looking at him again. “I want to understand why.”

     “Because it’s dangerous.”

     “What is?”

     “Getting involved. Don’t you get it?” I ask, my voice raising, hands waving in front of me as I jerk back from him.

     Taking a step back, his head tilts slightly and it’s clear to see he’s getting frustrated. “You aren’t making any sense. How is getting involved dangerous?”

     “How can you not understand it? I know you’ve lost people too! Did their deaths not affect you?” My chest heaved as I continued, arms moving around helplessly. “I’m already attached to too many people, people who could die any day! Everyone around us ends up dead sooner or later. I can’t get involved with you romantically because the chances of you getting killed are higher than anybody else! If we got involved it would only end in pain, and that’s something I can’t take.” 

     Each word that spilled from my mouth showed my inner thoughts, my worries. They held the immense fear that’s been building my entire life. The entire reason why I tend to be emotionally shut off around other people. I’d never told anybody these thoughts, keeping them trapped in my mind for years. But it seems the chain broke with his incessant tugging and the truth came tumbling out. Now I stood five feet from him, breathing rapid, eyes wide and panicked. At this point I probably resembled a wild animal that had been cornered.

     Mino took a step forward, giving me an incredulous look. Instinctively I stepped back. “You think I don’t know people can die at any second? I know better than anyone how someone can be there one minute and be gone the next!” His hands clenched at his sides. “But you know what I’ve learned from it? My life is made better by those I have in my life, and knowing they might die at anytime has made me cherish them all the more.”

     “Well good for you. I guess I’m just not as tough or philosophical as you are.” I sneer at him, crossing my arms defensively.

     “No, it looks like you’re not. If you keep letting your fear rule you what kind of a life are you living? What is it worth if you refuse to let yourself connect with people?” He shakes his head as he turns around, walking towards the door.

     “At least I won’t end up getting hurt!” I shout at his back.

     Pausing for a second, halfway to the door, he spins around to face me. “I would have understood if you just told me you weren’t interested in me, but this?” He questions, his hand sweeping out in the air. “Cutting yourself off from people because you don’t want to get hurt when they die? That doesn’t sound brave or noble to me, it sounds like a coward’s way out. And anything worth having will always run the risk of ending in pain.” Mino goes quiet, clearly disappointed.