“it's strange how you can be surrounded by people and still feel alone.” - willstays
⤷ growing closer. ( @willstays )
mike opens his mouth to reply, but in all honesty, he can't really find all the words to reply. mostly because he couldn't really come up with an adequate response; if anything, he couldn't have said it better himself. all his life, he'd been surrounded by friends, by family, but in his own head, considering what ( and who ) he liked, what he liked to do, he's always felt so incredibly alone, like he was the only odd one out in some way.
for the longest time, particularly after first losing el, and then will to california, he'd experienced a heavy loneliness that stuck around with every little thing he did. he'd just aimlessly drift through life, feeling simultaneously like a breeze drifting through the wind and like he was wading through water at the bay, endlessly distracted, unable to focus on one thing after another, a crushing feeling of the blues overtaking every sense until he was only aware of the aching numbness. gods, that numbness ... it felt like he'd never be able to escape that. over the years he's grown to know he's not the only one who has the feelings he has, does the things he does, or enjoys the things he enjoys. but the crushing weight of isolation somehow still clung to his shoulders.
he suspected it was just a side effect of growing up. on the one hand, while it made him feel more mature to move on to newer, better things, on the other, it kind of only made him feel more nostalgic, missing the things he and his friends used to do together as kids. he isn't sure what exactly it is, but nowadays he sometimes actually has trouble dipping his toes into many of the things he used to enjoy. he isn't sure if it's because he's grown up a lot, or if it's because part of him is actually resisting engaging in it because he's afraid he's never going to be able to enjoy the experience again due to the busy circumstances that surrounded him now, or if it's because of his depression, or some other reason he can't put into words.
❝ ... yeah, ❞ mike breathes out in response, and somehow, the weight of his thoughts that came surging through his mind seemed to escape him through a single word. perhaps that was the effect of having will by his side; with him, he somehow never felt alone, always felt comforted by his gentle presence and his kind words, even if at times they felt miles away from each other. ❝ ... do you ever just ... feel so lonely, and so numb, that ... it feels like you can never escape it ...? no matter how many people you have by your side, you just ... always ache of that loneliness. ❞
