#williamseward

WHERE: The White House.

Andrew Johnson is sitting in the main living room. William Seward walks in.

WILLIAM SEWARD: Hi Mr. President! 

ANDREW JOHNSON: Hello, Mr. Seward. How are things?

WILLIAM SEWARD: Same old thing, sir. You know how it is. What about you?

ANDREW JOHNSON: Just working hard, William. This Reconstruction isn't going to be successful without all of our hard work.

WILLIAM SEWARD: Very true, very true.

ANDREW JOHNSON: What'd you do today?

WILLIAM SEWARD: Oh, nothing. Had some meetings with ambassadors, went to lunch with my wife, bought Alaska, nothing big.

ANDREW JOHNSON: Excuse me? What'd you do?

WILLIAM SEWARD: I went to lunch with my wife, is that so strange?

ANDREW JOHNSON: No no no, did you say you bought Alaska?

WILLIAM SEWARD: Oh yeah, of course! 

ANDREW JOHNSON: From who?

WILLIAM SEWARD: Russia, silly. You're the president, shouldn't you know that?

ANDREW JOHNSON: Why did you buy Alaska?

WILLIAM SEWARD: It was on sale!

ANDREW JOHNSON: How much was it?

WILLIAM SEWARD: Two cents an acre. What a deal.

ANDREW JOHNSON: And how many acres is it?

WILLIAM SEWARD: Like three and a half million.

ANDREW JOHNSON: You spent SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS on a new territory???

WILLIAM SEWARD: You can never have too many territories! 

ANDREW JOHNSON: Seward, you can't go out and keep spending our money on countries we're not going to use!

WILLIAM SEWARD: How do you know we'll never use it? 

ANDREW JOHNSON: Because you always do this! You spend money on things because you might use them, instead of buying things that you know we'll use.

WILLIAM SEWARD: Well maybe I felt like buying a new territory, Andrew. Ever since this stupid Civil War ended it's like my department doesn't matter. I thought I'd try to spice things up a bit.

ANDREW JOHNSON: You bought three and a half million acres of tundra because you were bored?

WILLIAM SEWARD: I wanted to treat myself. FOR ONCE. Sue me.

ANDREW JOHNSON: You go back and return that right now.

WILLIAM SEWARD: No. We signed a treaty. No refunds. Plus I think it's cute.

ANDREW JOHNSON: You made a huge mistake, William.

WILLIAM SEWARD: Because I felt like having a little fun? Oh, how terrible. What would you even use that money for anyway?

ANDREW JOHNSON: Uh, I don't know, maybe trying to restore the crumbling Southern economy caused by the Civil War.

WILLIAM SEWARD: You're always giving money to the South. What else is new? You've been spending time with the Secretary of the Interior, haven't you? 

ANDREW JOHNSON: Of course. He's part of my cabinet.

WILLIAM SEWARD: Unbelievable. Ever since half of our country fell into poverty it's like I don't exist anymore. 

ANDREW JOHNSON: Is that why you bought Alaska? To get me to notice you?

WILLIAM SEWARD: It worked, didn't it?

ANDREW JOHNSON: You're ridiculous.

WILLIAM SEWARD: I'M RIDICULOUS? I care about expanding our country.

ANDREW JOHNSON: EXPANDING OUR COUNTRY? Alaska is so far away we won't even be able to draw it on most maps! We'll have to put it in a little box in the corner.

WILLIAM SEWARD: Oh, a little box in the corner, where you ALWAYS put my work.

ANDREW JOHNSON: I'm not talking about this. I have to go. 

WILLIAM SEWARD: Of course you do. Why don't you just run off to hang out with the homeless former plantation owners like you always do?

ANDREW JOHNSON: And why don't you just go hang out with your bears and wolves and dead, frozen land?

WILLIAM SEWARD: FINE. I WILL. I'LL TAKE A BOAT TONIGHT.

ANDREW JOHNSON: FINE.

WILLIAM SEWARD: Can I borrow money to get a ticket?

ANDREW JOHNSON: Just take it out of the national fund.

WILLIAM SEWARD: That's what I thought.

ANDREW JOHNSON: BYE.

WILLIAM SEWARD: YEAH BYE.