#whywonthecommit

Put Your Hands Up:  In the court of love and romance, What You Say Can and Will be Held Against You! 

Men’s brains are wired in a slightly different way than women’s. This minor difference predisposes men to judge women in a more black and white, all or nothing, good or bad, ah - naughty or nice fashion than women judge men - many times, majorly so!

Society and culture also play their part in this CSI of the sexes, but the facts are the facts, ma’am: Women have larger and fattier corpus callosums in their brains than men do. This is good fat, ladies, as it allows for the two hemispheres of the female brain to speak to each other in a way that male brains don’t as readily or as easily.  Thus, women tend to view things in less of a night and day, yin and yang context and more, ahem, ala, fifty shades of gray!

Male brains show a stronger front to back wiring within each hemisphere, accounting for their greater spatial skills, motor coordination, and ability to visualize three-dimensional objects from various angles.  This means that your man is likely quite good at figuring out what’s wrong with your computer or car, but not-so-good at understanding that you can be both a faithful wife and mother while also being super sexy and sexual.

 Additionally men “take ownership” of women with whom they’re involved in a way that is sometimes perplexing to the female brain.  This “ownership” is in part due to the fact that good men feel an inherent need to protect and provide for their women and the children that can be brought forth from loving them.  Freud accounts for this biological brain difference in males from a psychological perspective commonly known as his Madonna/Whore Complex.

Freud’s Madonna/Whore Complex proposes that deep in the male psyche lies a fixed belief that women are inherently good or bad, loose or chaste, virginal or promiscuous.

Anthropologically, men are hunters.  Hunters are called upon to make quick judgments to catch and snag their prey.  While this works great in the wild, as it relates to the world of women and love, it can wreak havoc and ruin otherwise great relationships.

Women in love like to connect to their love interest through sharing.  When this sharing involves disclosing past loves, sexual escapades, or infidelities, the male brain tends towards a reflexive biological, psychological, and social judgment: A good woman to protect and provide for (marry) is more like the Virgin Mary than Mary Magdalene!

Want him to get down on one knee?  Then don’t be telling him about being down on yours with any other man!  Keep your naughty secrets to yourself like the loving woman that you are!  Only then will he be able to view you in the way his male brain must, in order to make you “the one” for him forever. 

Make no mistake, while he loves you for being naughty with him, his male brain needs you to keep mum on your horizontal history.  What is in the past needs to stay there for him to clearly see you in his future!  Don’t hold his less fatty brain against him:  Share less of what used to be for the best chance of sharing your future with a good man who is just being male!

Want to know if your man is ready, willing, and able to commit?  Take a quick, free quiz to find out: Go to www.whywonthecommit.com and click on relationship evaluation.

© 2018 CoachPaulaGrooms.com  

Paula Grooms is a Dating and Relationship Coach, Licensed Master of Social Work, and author of the book, Why Won't He Commit? How a Man Decides to Make You "The One." Her weekly podcast, Make Him Wonder is real-life  coaching conversations about all things dating and relationships.

Is there any statement or question fraught with as many interpretations as one including the word “friends” when you have romantic feelings?  And what does it mean when it comes out of the mouth of a man who was once pursuing you or with whom you were involved romantically.

MANY THINGS!

Good men don’t want to hurt women.  They have been taught since being little boys that men are to protect and be kind to women.  Unfortunately, this does not allow men to state the truth of their feelings when they know it’s going to hurt you.

MEN ARE ALSO ALL ABOUT:  NO DRAMA, NO CONFLICT, NO CONFRONTATION!

So it’s usually left up to you, as the woman, to interpret a man’s statements. Here are likely examples of what he might really mean:

I’m going to hurt you if I continue to see you.

I see you want more and I don’t.

I’m not in love with you.

There is someone else I’m in love with.

I’ll sleep with you if you let me, but don’t get any ideas it’s going to be more.

I feel pressured and saying I want to be your friend immediately lessens the pressure that I’m in a relationship with you.

I never thought of us as anything more than just friends, no matter what we do.

I want out of this in the easiest, least messy way possible.

I can’t deal with breakups: saying we can be friends helps me to break up with you.

I no longer feel anything romantic for you. 

There are other things I want to pursue right now.

There is someone else I want to pursue right now.

I no longer want to deal with this relationship.

I want to feel in control again.

You take too much of my time and energy.

I want my freedom.

Maybe I’ll be back when I’m done doing what it is that I want more than you right now.

I really like having sex with you, but you’re not “The One”. 

We’re done, move on.

If you’re cool and move on, maybe when I’m ready, I’ll come back to find you and make you “the one,” but if you hang around as my friend, I won’t ever be interested in more.... 

Remember # 3 of my Gender Gaps:

WOMEN LOVE THROUGH KNOWING. MEN LOVE THROUGH WONDERING.

Don’t stay friends when you have romantic feelings.  Break it off and let him see what it feels like to be without your love and friendship.  Make him WONDER what it is you are doing and who you might be moving on with! This is the ONLY way he’ll be back to you wanting more than just being your friend and in the end, could make you “the one.”

© 2019 CoachPaulaGrooms.com  

Paula Grooms is a Dating and Relationship Coach, Licensed Master of Social Work, and author of the book, Why Won't He Commit? How a Man Decides to Make You "The One." Her weekly podcast, Make Him Wonder is real-life coaching conversations about all things dating and relationships.

On Monday night, Bachelorette Becca Kufrin sent a man home before the first rose ceremony. 

What did he do wrong?

Well, it appears, nothing! According to Becca, Bachelor Jake had met her "multiple times in the past,"  yet never expressed any interest in getting to know her.

Now that Becca is in the spotlight, Jake is suddenly interested?  If that is so, then yes, you go Becca - he is a "next,"  because his interest isn't real.

When a man has several opportunities to date you and he doesn't, he either isn't interested or he is otherwise "engaged."  

When Becca politely confronted Jake on his previous lack of interest or initiative when out socially “multiple times,” Jake offered little in the way of explanation.  He simply stated that he only had “one conscious recollection” of meeting her.  Seriously? This dude needs to get a better memory, some game, or better yet, both.

Be like Becca.  Don't waste your time on men who don't show earnest and consistent interest.  

Becca is now engaged because one of the 20+ men who competed for her time, attention and affection is truly interested - and ready for commitment. That's what a man must show you....and that's just reality.

© 2018 CoachPaulaGrooms.com  

Paula Grooms is a Dating and Relationship Expert, Licensed Social Worker, and author of the book Why Won’t He Commit?: How a Man Decides to Make You “The One”

It's that lovely time of year again when all the engaged are crazed and all the single are sullen.  Yes, it's Wedding Season!  Are you wondering what to do about all those invites for you and "a guest?”  Hold your phone!  Don’t ask your man until you read on.  

Last wedding season, I was presented with two scenarios by two different clients with the same dilemma regarding bringing a date to weddings to which they were invited. Following our discussions, I realized just how helpful the guidance on what to do about such invites can be at this special time of year.  I was asked to repost, so read on before you RSVP this season!

My very first client of the morning has many men buzzing around her. She has a great social life, but no special guy with whom she is regularly dating, or anyone with whom she is involved. There are several old-flames heating up a bit, but no stand-out man who is actively pursuing her and making his intentions known. Carly* currently has 3 more wedding invites to answer for this season and was wondering about asking any of the current swarm of "buzzers" to join her.

Carly’s Dilemma: "Which guy can I ask to join me at each of the different weddings and when do I ask?"

Later in the afternoon, another client presented a similar situation. Meghan* has known Sean* for about a year since they met at a spin class, last spring. He had made his interest known all along, but until 6 weeks ago, Meghan* was with a boyfriend with whom she was trying to make a relationship work. When she broke it off, Sean saw a change of status on her social media and immediately wanted a chance with Meghan. 

 After a year of having smoothies together following the sweat-fest of spinning, Meghan feels like she knows Sean pretty well and they started dating.  Fast forward four months of yada, yada, yada and Meghan now sees her gym class buddy as her boyfriend. Sean has told Meghan how happy he is and speaks of introducing her to his parents this coming Thanksgiving when he travels to Wisconsin* for the holidays.

Meghan’s Dilemma: "My cousin’s wedding is at the end of August. When is the best time to ask Sean to join me?

Two fabulous questions for well-meaning, wedding-going women! One serious answer: “Warning Wilma Robinson, Danger Ahead!

Before a man has decided and openly asked to make you “the one,” he will likely accompany you to a wedding to please you, only later to slowly disconnect from you!

"What?"  You might be thinking. “How would joining me at a wedding make a guy shut off from me?!”

Before explaining the particulars, #1 on my list of Gender Gaps, gives you an overview:

Women live by their feelings.  

Men Live by their decisions.  

Ok, are you lost in space, yet?  Are you thinking “what the headpiece does that have to do with him being invited to escort me to a wedding? 

Before he has decided to commit to you in a spoken, formal and actionable way, don’t invite any man you’re dating to any wedding...even if it’s the royal event of the year! 

Did you see I didn't say before he says “I love you,” or before you call each other boyfriend and girlfriend?  I said declared his intention to commit and made a gesture (taken action) to formalize his decision.

Asking a guy to join you at anything even remotely suggestive of being your boyfriend - before HE has made that decision and declared it – sets off a series of feelings in him that can have him distancing himself and may lead to him walking out, rather than ever walking down the aisle with you.

If you’re having trouble understanding why a man might feel this way, read on for a rather brash and a bit of a harsh hypothetical to help you feel what a man feels if he escorts you to a wedding - no matter your or his relationship to the bride or groom.

STRIPPING IT DOWN

Let’s say you've been dating a guy a few times or that you’re more seriously “seeing” each other and it’s a solid relationship.  He seems great. He's smart, sexy and appealing to you on many levels. He is showing you all the best of himself, your interest is growing and it appears to be mutual. 

One day, your guy texts you to set aside a specific evening for an "awesome date" he says he has planned. He tells you that you'll meet his friends and even his brother and cousin.  He says to make sure you've got a great outfit for the occasion! You think this is a good sign:  he is becoming more interested, as he wants you to meet some of his best friends and family.

You wait for his call, only to find out when speaking, that your great guy wants you to join him at a bachelor party for his cousin at a Strip Club! You're totally taken off guard. A very strange request, indeed, yet he is a wonderful guy and when telling you about it, he is so cute and charming. 

He attends to your natural hesitation and reserve, and says he understands that it's a bit awkward, but it will be” sooooo much fun!”  He touts the evening and “one-time event” as an adventure and that many of his buddies are bringing "their girls". Hmmm, you think - he actually said "their girls".... like you are his!  You can only surmise that he must be starting to get more serious about you.

He downplays the stripper part of the equation and upsells the "great surf and turf, dancing, open bar, and spending time together.” You know the venue to be the most upscale men’s club in town, as well, so you know it's safe and secure.

You want to please him and show him that you are not a prude, so you agree - telling yourself it's harmless fun, great food, music and dancing together.  He tells you to don your favorite dancing outfit, come hungry and he'll pick you up at 8pm. You throw caution to the wind and think of the whole thing as a unique life experience and a chance to bond with your man while also showing him how cool you are.

He picks you up that night and looks awesome in his suit and tie. He tells you all about his cousin, his brother and his friends that will be there. On the way over in the car, you are feeling really connected and quite special that he invited you. You start to relax and feel secure that your decision to join him was a good one!

You step into the front of the club that looks like any other nightclub and he does all the right things. He checks your coat and makes sure you're seated comfortably while he checks in. 

He takes your hand as you walk a little way into the club where the doors open up to an almost claustrophobic darkness with what feels like a hundred women standing around in various states of undress. His face lights up and he can barely contain his excitement. He can't wait to find his friends and get the party started!

As you move through the sea of girls saying "hi" in their come-hither way and touching your date's arm as he passes, you suddenly feel a bit ill and that this might not have been such a good idea. 

You follow his lead to the bachelor party in a large private room filled with his friends - mostly male - with a handful of female guests who have come with his buddies and brother.

Scattered about the room are women with even less clothing than in the main room, most of whom are giving lap dances to some of the guys in various corners. You remain composed and don't dare show your guy that you aren't as cool as he thinks you are... but this is not at all what you had envisioned. He told you about the food, drinks, music, and dancing. It's all so different in reality!

Your guy makes sure you have a drink and sweetly attends to you in between back slapping all his friends.  His friends and the women whom they accompanied - mostly wives and fiancees -  come up to you with various questions about you and your guy and how you happen to be there with him.  

With each introduction, you feel more and more disconcerted.  You wonder what the friends are thinking about you and your relationship - especially as you've never socialized much beyond a few dinners and casual outings with his inner circle, and none of his family. Despite the other women being in the same position, you feel out of place and increasingly uncomfortable.  What are his friends and family expecting to see from you - how are you supposed to act and what do you say?

So as not to ruin your guy's night (and to try to salvage what you can of your sinking mood) you decide to make the best of things and eat what looks edible on the buffet and have a few drinks. Somehow you didn't connect surf and turf to canned baby shrimp and pigs-in-a-blanket, but at least eating takes you away from the fray and “frolic” you’re looking to avoid.

As the night goes on and your date starts to partake more and more in the "harmless fun" of getting a few lap dances in front of you, you're glad that there is an open bar to numb your soul, which at this point feels like it's been in a bad horror movie.  From this moment on, you never again look at your guy in quite the same way.

While this scenario may seem ridiculous to you, I hope you read it in order to understand how your feelings would be impacted by having joined a man at an event that was not appropriate for you to be taken to without being engaged or married. You can't relate to his excitement of being there nor to his feelings, so it would likely turn you off to such as degree as you might begin to question if he is so wonderful after all. Worst of all, you wonder what he might be trying to tell you with the invite!

You now question a lot of things about him and see him in a light you wish you hadn't.  Why was he be so excited by looking at other women when you were right there with him? The vision of him drooling over ‘Bambi’ when giving him a lap dance will forever be stuck in your memory. Your feelings are subtly changed and you start to distance yourself a bit. 

No matter how ‘back-to-normal’ things are on Monday, and how much he discounts the whole thing as "boys being boys" and “just fun” for an evening, you feel distanced and strangely disturbed.

The uncomfortable feelings that are evoked in you are similar to what a man feels if he escorts you to a  wedding before he has made a formal declaration that you are “the one.” 

If your man has not openly declared his commitment to you - and to his friends and family –  when you gush over the bride’s gown, cry at the vows, and otherwise walk around with him on your arm, he starts to feel uneasy, out-of-place and uncomfortable. 

Meeting your family members who may have indulged in too many toasts and treat him like a boyfriend - perhaps questioning him or making jokes about the two of you being "next" -  is akin to you being horrified at him relishing a lap dance with ‘Luscious’ and slapping his buddies on the back for enjoying the floor show.

By taking any man to whom you aren’t engaged or married to any wedding you are evoking in him nothing but extremely uncomfortable feelings that will have him wanting to escape and perhaps run away forever.

You may scoff at the analogy of a socially acceptable wedding vis-à-vis a night at a strip club, but it's all to make a point.  Weddings connote commitment and family just as much as a Strip Club connotes sleazy and anti-family values. 

Take a boyfriend to a wedding before he has decided to commit to you and he won't be able to get pictures of your face lighting up at seeing the bride and groom, out of his mind. While at such an event, he can feel your interest and desire to be part of a couple and to one day be married, etc... you can't hide it - just as he couldn't hide his excitement at being in the presence of all those half-naked dancers. It's all natural and the way of things. 

Don't be tempted to fight nature!

Remember, it doesn't matter how casually you present a wedding, i.e, that it will "just be fun to have a great free meal, hit the open bar and dance", etc. Men feel the way they do about a strip club bachelor party and can’t understand why women can’t just see it as harmless guy-fun.  It's seeing it, feeling it and experiencing it that changes things when you do.

No matter whether you've just met or have been dating for two or five years: without a stated commitment from him, don’t invite him. In fact, many times the longer you've dated the more he will close off, as he might feel your desire more deeply and may even feel that you are guilty of trying to pressure him through association with a bride and the whole affair.

Having a female brain more capable of emotional flexibility, you actually have a much better chance of differentiating situations from intentions than he does.  In other words, there is a greater probability of you connoting the Strip Club experience as meaningless, harmless and simply boys having fun.  You are more inclined to see the whole of him and his value so you can more easily justify his motivations and actions.  Moreover, If you are upset by the experience, you are also more likely to voice your concerns or ask questions.  He is more apt to distance, close-off and look for an exit. 

His male brain can’t let go of seeing you gush over the gown and tear-up at the best man's toast, quite as readily, if at all.  If not already betrothed to a formal commitment to you, he vows to remain free forever. Once he has made a decision like that, he makes a vow to himself, not to break it.

You may be saying to yourself, "but my guy is very evolved and will be able to handle one little wedding” if I present it properly and he really knows that he is just being my escort. 

Why chance it? 

Go to a wedding alone, so no visions of nuptial napalm are stuck dancing in his head. Instead, make him wonder what handsome groomsman you might be meeting, having cocktails with and dancing with when there.

A man wouldn't think of inviting you to a wedding unless he knows he is going to commit to you, because it makes him uncomfortable!  If he hasn't made that fateful, final commitment decision, he doesn't want Mom, Aunt Millie and everyone else asking about you or your relationship then or later on. 

He Doesn’t Want the Pressure!

Everyone attending a wedding has marriage on their minds and will likely be hinting or overtly asking some version of “so when are you two tying-the-knot?” That’s serious pressure on a man.  Don’t put a man you care about in that position. 

Better to go it alone, dance with anyone who asks. Meet other guests and allow them to see you as flexible, easy going and fun. Talk to other women who may be able to set you up with their wonderful friends, brothers, nephews or sons. 

Don't put any guy that hasn't decided to commit to you in the position of having a memory of you dancing with the cute little flower girl, gazing longingly at the wedding party or horror of horrors, catching the bouquet! While he'll hide his discomfort, he'll disconnect from the experience and slowly become a wall-flower in your relationship! 

Go to weddings alone or with a girlfriend. Have fun, laugh, gush, cry and commiserate far from his sight and remember, Wedding Fun: Just One!

© 2018 CoachPaulaGrooms.com

*Real names and some details are changed for privacy purposes.

Paula Grooms is a Dating and Relationship Expert, Licensed Social Worker, and author of the book Why Won’t He Commit?: How a Man Decides to Make You “The One”