#whyiwontdateyou

Mr. Serious and I had still not met. His texts are boring and he asks mundane questions. And he obviously doesn't take a hint very well because I refused to respond to his excessive texts, yet he still sent a "good morning beautiful" text. 

After a few weeks of online dating and not being all that impressed with the selection, I decided to just go out with the next guy who asked me out. We'll call him Jake.

After a few mildly interesting messages back and forth, we began our "textlationship," and a first date was established. We worked by each other, so he suggested happy hour drinks at a local brewery. I love beer, especially craft beer, so I was pleased thus far. 

Day of, I'm getting anxious. It's not only my first online date....it's my first date. Ever. My roommates helped me with my outfit, and work was going tantalizingly slow. Jake texted me that afternoon:

Jake: Hey, we still on for tonight?

Me: Yeah! It's about the only thing getting me through today.

Jake: So....I hope you aren't too dressed up. I'm coming straight from work. (Too late buddy!)

Me: haha...I'm coming straight from work too. But I guess that means I'm a little dressed up?

Jake: Okay. I just wanted to give you a heads up. I meant to bring a change of clothes but I left my nice shirt on the bed and I forgot it. My eyes are really sensitive so I couldn't turn my light on this morning and I didn't see it on my bed.  (What the heck? He's 30, not elderly! And he can't turn on his light in the morning lest it burn his eyes out? Okay...)

Me: Okay, no worries. BTW, I'm so excited you chose this place, their appetizers are amazing. I'm getting hungry!

Jake: Oh...did you want food too? Haha, we can do that. (At this point I'm thinking WHAT THE HECK? Who is this guy? Drinks without food and I'm done for).

Me: We don't need to get dinner! Their HH menu is amazing, and I'll need something to eat with my drink. But no worries either way!

Jake: Ok cool, we can get an appetizer or two. See you soon ;)

I arrive at the restaurant right on time, and I panic as I realize we never established where we'll meet. At the bar? Outside? By the hostess? Good Lord, blind dates are awkward. I decide to take a seat on one of the benches outside and text him my location. A few minutes later he walked up, and some elderly ladies witnessed our awkward "Hi, nice to meet you" hug.

And then I learned a very important Online Dating Lesson: people lie in their photos!!

His profile photos were definitely him, but they were him 5-8 years ago, 30 pounds lighter, and with much better hair.

We walked inside to the hostess booth. He just stood there, so I instantly took charge and told the hostess we needed a table for two. 

I hate taking charge on a date. Please, step up and be the man.

We sat down, the server came to us with our menus and water glasses, and then Jake realized Happy Hour was only in the bar, while we were in the main restaurant. He grumbled about it for a bit, so I asked him if we should ask our server if we can move. "No....It's okay...." When our server came back I asked if we could move to the bar for Happy Hour, which was of course not a problem. Again, I hate taking charge on a date.

After relocating and getting our menus, we settle into First Date Convo, which is not that exciting.  We discussed what appetizers to get, and apparently he has an aversion of any sort of spice, as well as not being able to see in the morning. He is not exactly winning any Man Points yet. Then it was time to place our order. I get a nice beer on tap (probably the house IPA or Hef), and he ordered (to my horror!!) a bottle of Budweiser. 

Now, being around classy gentlemen for most of my life, I can't help but judge a man by what his drink of choice is. I understand there are situations for almost any type of beverage, and I accept the following as appropriate situations for a Bud:

Tailgating of any sort

Playing a drinking game

Fishing/floating down the river

Watching a sports game 

You are a guest and your host hands you one

But at a BREWERY, one typically orders a more adventurous (read: "respectable") beer. 

After an hour or so we finished our apps and beer and the check came. I pretended to reach for my wallet so he could turn me down - that is what Ted Mosby would want, right? - but that actually offended him. Oops! Then he walked me to my car and we said goodnight. 

A couple of years ago I decided to try out the world of online dating, and somehow I only attract the crazies. Or poor guys that just have no idea how to date.