#whyifirefly

Firefly is one of the top music festivals on the East Coast so you get a pretty diverse array of people who show up for it – from Mid-Atlantic hippies to urban rave chicks.  This makes for a very eclectic experience and one that is truly unforgettable.  I’m not saying you’ll remember every face in the seas of crowds for every headliner performance, but there are a few notable exceptions:

1.       Middle-Aged Rednecks from West Virginia

After you and your besties set up camp and celebrate not stabbing yourselves in the eyes with tent poles, your excitement will be short-lived because your neighbors have a freakin’ shower and multi-room tent straight out of Harry Potter.  How did they set up plumbing in the time you set up tequila shots?  It’s because they’ve been traveling to music festivals longer than you’ve been alive.  Good news, though!  While you and your friends are all standing around because you forgot chairs, they will take pity upon your camp and invite you to hang!  They haven’t seen someone with all their teeth in a while so you will become an instant hit!  They will give you extra supplies and tarp up your tent if it rains (or hurricanes) – if you’re lucky, they’ll even let you use their she-pee so you don’t have to porta-potty at night.  Expert tip: keep the drinking games simple; “Cheers, Governor!” proved to be too complicated for some.

2.       International Lovers with RVs

Ah, the unicorn of music festivals.  You can’t look for them outright – you need to let them come to you.  Remember, you haven’t showered in a few days so your pheromones are EXTRA strong.  Aussie women are a little rough and leathery so if you listened to mom and moisturize daily, the Aussie men will think you look sweet and girly – regardless of your body odor.  Our Aussie neighbors are actually incredibly kind people to the point where you think they must be con-artists, but they’re not!  They’re actually just THAT nice!  If they have an RV, CHERISH IT! Normally I’d tell you to be a lady, but go ahead, take a nice big poop in that stranger’s toilet – you deserve it.

3.       Ex-Boyfriends

“What’s he doing here?! Ehrmagahd, I had NO idea!” said no one ever – we all know you Facebook stalk the crap outta your ex.  But yeah, your ex could likely be at Firefly with all his friends.  Good news: your phone died 4 hours after you got there. Bad news: he’s a stalker.  “But there’s so many people!  There’s no WAY he’ll find us.”  Wrong.  The thing about Firefly is you will see everyone you know – planned or unplanned. You won’t see him coming because you’re too busy lying on the grass eating food and suddenly, he will surround you and your friends like lions surrounding their prey.  He will come bearing gifts (re: glowsticks).  He will act as though this is some sort of altruistic peace offering and everyone will be confused.  He will wildly overestimate how interesting he and his friends are.  You will cause a distraction and run into a mosh pit.  

4.       Girls Who Should’ve Stayed Home

These are the girls who yell “Firefly!” as they would “Vegas, baby!”  They’ll immediately rip open their smuggled glass bottle of Greygoose, Instagram the shit out of their “cute campsite”, and set up their tent “later”.  What they don’t realize is “later” means darkness – lots and lots of darkness.  There will be at least one tent pole they think is “extra”.  No less than three of them will cry.  They will SCREAM conversations all night.  They will still manage to talk shit about each other in a 10ft radius. You find out they left one of their friends at home and didn’t tell her because “she’s just so annoying”.  Just offer to take a photo of them so they don’t claw you in your sleep. #squadgoals

5.       Bonnaroo Spillover Who Take This Very Seriously