What if i wrote something funny and everyone reblogged and loved me

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What if i wrote something funny and everyone reblogged and loved me

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i am hesitant to sacrifice feeling good, because the returns on the sacrifice arent usually the same feeling. im worried i wont have enough time to feel good knowing that the return is not often that good feeling; also how absurd and meaningless life can be, along with suffering and despair, always take their share of my time, they usually fill my time if I am not feeling good.Â
So feeling good is not feeling absurd, meaningless, despair, or suffering.
Ive used drugs to balance that out when intellectual, spiritual, and mental methods fail in doing that. But I just considered that helping people, which is usually a sacrifice in time and also causes me to use my physical, spiritual, and mental methods for balancing out those four malaise's for someone else, brings out feeling good. Probably an even better feeling good than what i normally mean when i say i want to feel good. It is a bit formulaic but i purposely just made it a dichotomy, since i tend to have strong feelings about everything.Â
I cannot seem to give up on tying to find an answer, and it does not even feel like I am trying, rather i believe i exist to try. whether I can ever find balance or escape from the cycle of balance is not the goal as long as i am trying; I will exist--what ever that means, but to exist means i have to take part in the cycle, it is not optional, which i really hate. and that hate leads me to the state i am in now--stuckness. I waver even though i know all this. I am still so weak. It is frustrating and annoying.
So, I'm a bit concerned. Been seeing this #Whyeventagthis movement on my dash from time to time. Now, I don't post nsfw content, but that freedom to do so is of concern to me, so I clicked the tag to see what people are saying. But no posts show up when I do? Even if I search it up top, instead of in a post I get nada. Am I glitching, or can it really not be searched?