#whydoidothis?

I am ashamed of myself.

“Hey - everyone! This is my character...Watch them destroy everything they’ve loved because their society focuses in history prejudices and f+**** stupidity!”  

Oh, you know rebreaking my own heart and crying while looking at old posts of things because I don't know how to not torture myself. Also I really shouldn't be left alone in a dorm room for a whole weekend. All it lets me do is get inside my own mind just a little more than is healthy.

Well, I appear to have died from a fatal case of terminal illness. It hurt a little, I guess. However, what it means is that I currently am unable to scan or produce my “masterpieces” due to temporal constraints. 对不起。So yeah. Hopefully I will reincarnate as a spork deity once more to bring my heavenly wisdom down to Earth once more, at some point, somewhere in the somewhat near future. 

So, what's my deal? Why start a blog. Well, I've heard that writing and journaling can be very cathartic. So lets give it a go. I have a fabulous life. A fantastic childhood, with a few bumps in the road, but who doesn't? I have an amazing husband. Seriously, the best. And 4 wonderfully awesome children. And a merciful God. I shouldn't want for anything. At all. Except I do. I want my hair back. I know, how vain. The fact is I don't look so bad without hair. I really don't. But knowing what I once had and not having that anymore just makes me sad. I always had long, thick, just great hair. People were jealous. This "condition" took over my life. I agonize about this every single moment of every day. No exaggeration. It all started with an eyelash. I was 8. I had a stray lash on my cheek. Make a wish, my friend said. If you make a wish on an eyelash it'll come true. Well, I had more wishes. So I pulled one out. Then another. Then another. I realized it felt kinda good. I couldn't stop. I didn't realize what I was doing to myself. It wasn't bad at first. One eyelash here or there. Then I would notice a bald spot on my eye. Then more and more. Pretty soon My eyelids were bald. No lashes whatsoever. My family is sort of known for their beautiful eyes. People didn't recognize me as a Howell. Even a family friend stopped by the house one day and had no idea who I was. She asked if the Howells still lived there. Having no lashes made me crawl into a hole socially. I was always so worried that people noticed and would think I was weird. I thought i was weird. I couldn't stop and I had no idea why. From the time I was 8 until I was 15, this condition just took over. It consumed me. I felt defeated. No one that young should feel like that. I honestly don't know how I stopped the summer before my junior year. I got glasses, and fake nails. That's all I can think that was different. suddenly my lashes were back. it felt amazing. My condition completely disappeared. Never even thought about it again. It was gone until just before i got married. I was 19. I pulled out an eyebrow. What the heck! I noticed a little bulb on the end that was thick and squishy. Cool. So I pulled another, and so on and so on. Now i have patchy eyebrows in my wedding photos. I had to draw them on for a while after that. Then suddenly i stopped. no idea why or how. my brows were back. More years go by. My brother and sister in law tell me they did some research and there is a name for what i was going through. Trichotillomania. The impulse to pull out one's hair. AH! Holy crap, it has a name! I went through essentially my entire life thinking I was completely alone in this weird thing that i did to myself. Nope! I found social media sites dedicated to the disorder. I did research. i cried. I saw some cases that were so much worse than mine. they actually pulled from their scalp. Wow, so glad i didn't do that. Except not much longer after that, I did. by this time i had two children and watched my brother's 2 children everyday. including an infant. can you say stress? this was a release. I remember the first hair I pulled from my scalp. It felt amazing. I had to inspect the root of course. I was sitting in my in-laws living room thinking, I wonder if it was the same sensation as brows and lashes. It was. Only Sooooo much better. the satisfaction I got after finding that perfect hair. my goodness. man this sounds so weird. and wrong. But i feel like i can write about it because i am not the only one. I'm not completely crazy. just a little bit. I just wonder if I would have my hair now if I hadn't found those websites and gotten so curious about it. I get caught up in the what if's every day. I've come to terms with the fact that i have this. it does not define me. but its there. I may never have the hair i once did. but i can fight for it. every day. thats what it is. its a struggle. all the time. it never goes away. I have good chunks of time where my hair grows in and its even and I feel great. but it all gets destroyed in a matter of minutes. It takes so long and a great deal of work to grow it in. and seconds to destroy it. I hate it. I think it's stupid, and i don't understand. But hey, at least i don't look too bad bald. not that looks is what its about. or maybe it is. I don't know. so i don't know if this blog is going to be about trichotillomania and my battle or just my everyday thoughts and what not. maybe both. I have so much more info to share about this stupid condition. I am finding everyday that I am so much more than Trichotillomania! And i'd like to share these thoughts with you all. Maybe my posts will become more coherent as i go too. :) Thanks for reading.