#whistlewhileiblogit

A/N: The long awaited soulmate Au fic!! It is longer than I intended, welp ;_; Also go easy on me because it’s been years since I have last uploaded writing and this is my first time doing so on Tumblr. ALSO I know a lot of you guys suggested I kept my original idea and not change it after the ending of S2 BUT I actually felt that this ended up working out a lot better but yeah anyway enjoy! <3

“Who- who are you?” Bruce stammered, still visibly shaken from the beating he’d just taken. The man who had saved him knelt down in front of him, a concerned expression on his porcelain face. He wore an Arkham inmate uniform, although he had a long sleeved purple shirt underneath the standard white uniform, with only his left sleeve rolled up.

“Buddy, aww buddy...are you okay?” Bruce blinked. Did this man just...?

“You don’t look so grand...more like the opposite. What would that be?” Bruce blinked, his head still fuzzy, mind racing. Had this man really just said what he think he heard him say?

 Bruce realised the man was waiting, wide-eyed and expectantly for a response.

“I...thank you. I appreciate the help.” Bruce stammered, his blue eyes locked onto the pale man’s vibrant green ones.

“You’re welcome,” the man said, snapping Bruce out of his thoughts.

“If we don’t look out for each other, who will, right?” Bruce furrowed his brow at the stranger, taking in his forest-green hair, unable to deter a strong urge to run his hands through it as a woman walked into the room. Her white coat showed she was a doctor, and she didn’t look pleased. The man stood up quickly, like a school-boy caught causing mischief. Bruce wondered if violence was a common occurrence with this man.

“What’s going on in here?” she demanded in a firm, but still polite voice. Bruce barely opened his mouth before the strange man spoke up.

“It’s like I told you Doctor! These creeps were attacking the new guy!” he held a hand out to the unconscious men on the floor. Bruce resisted a smile, rubbing a thumb lightly over his right hip under the guise of rubbing a sore spot. He needed to speak to this man alone...somehow.

“Well who did THAT? Was it you?” the doctor raised an accusatory eyebrow at the green-haired stranger.

“Of course not!” He quickly lied, “it was mostly over by the time I got in. The new guy is tougher than he looks. Right buddy?” He bent over, holding a hand out to Bruce, who took it gingerly. He wasn’t a fan of being held accountable for this guy’s violence. Even if this man was meant to be his…

Bruce grunted as he was pulled up by the stranger. His hands were surprisingly warm, Bruce noted. He had been expecting an ice cold touch to match the colour of his skin.

The doctor inclined her head towards Bruce, “Bruce, is that really what happened?” she asked.

 Bruce paused.

“Yeah. Yeah that’s what happened.” the words slipped from his lips before he had even thought it through. He glanced quickly from the man then back to the doctor.

“We have a very strict no fighting policy here in Arkham. If you can't find obey that rule...you’re going to find yourself in hot water fast.” she stated plainly.

“The orderly that was here before took money from these men and let them into my room! He gave them a taser!” Bruce could feel his blood rising again. He knew it was probably still the effects of the drug Vicki had injected into him, but he was still having a hard time ignoring the urge to wrap his hands around someone’s throat.

The doctor didn’t seem to notice his flaring temper, as she replied, “I knew that you coming to arkham could cause some...excitement. But I didn’t expect it to happen so fast. I’ll do my best to keep you safe, but I need you to be careful.” Bruce glowered at her, his temper calming down only slightly.

“Us nice guys gotta stick together. Am I right?” The stranger smiled over at Bruce, drawing his attention back in to his handsome face. Bruce was shocked as a wave of calmness washed over him.

“Thank you, I appreciate the effort.” he nodded politely to the Doctor, forcing a smile.

She smiled back at him, “I’m glad you’re so understanding after what just happened. Good thing help wasn’t far away.” She and Bruce stared over at him. Bruce bit his lip. Did he know? If he did, he hadn’t showed it.

“Hey I’m just looking out for the new guy.” He shrugged casually.

“I’m Doctor Joan Leland, by the way. Head of Psychiatry. I’ll be overseeing your case personally. We’ll get you transferred to a new room, Bruce,” she indicated the blood stains all over the room, “one that doesn’t have your...blood all over it.”

 Bruce was hardly listening, distracted as his shoulder brushed against the green-haired man. He couldn’t help but wonder if the man had done it intentionally.

“For now, follow me.” Doctor Leland ordered, leading them out of the room.

Bruce took his chance as they began to walk together, “I’m sorry, I don’t think I ever got your name-?”

The man paused, a discernible expression on his face, then glanced over to Bruce, an eyebrow raised and a devilish smirk on his face.

“Me?” he asked.

“He’s never given his name out to anybody.” Doctor Leland chimed in, when the man had begun to laugh maniacally to himself.

“We just call him ‘John Doe’.” she added, as they continued on.

“Bingo!” The man-or now, John, Bruce supposed- began laughing to himself once more, as though it were the funniest thing that only he knew his real name.

 “John is one of our most improved patients.” Doctor Leland began as the trio headed down the vast halls of Arkham. “He’s been with us for quite some time. I’m sure he’d be willing to show you around. Right John?” Bruce wasn’t listening, however, but rather staring at John. His hand brushed over his hip again, his thumb grazing that same spot once more. He knew what words had been imprinted there, what words had always been there. Words he had waited his entire life to hear. Words he had long since forgotten about, too busy, too hurt to bother considering that he would ever actually hear them. The very first words his soulmate would say to him.

But John...he was a patient. How could Bruce deal with whatever baggage this man carried, when he already carried the weight of the world’s on his back?

 “Oh yeah, I’ll show him the whole nine yards.” John smirked, striding casually down the halls with his hands placed behind his back.

“I think it would be best if you stay by his side for now.” Doctor Leland suggested. Bruce couldn’t believe it. This was just too ridiculously perfect for this not to be real. Ever since childhood he’d been told how soulmates not only find each other, but are always somehow...drawn to be with one another. That it was impossible to avoid your fate. Maybe his parents were right.

Bruce, lost in thought, lingered slowly behind John and Doctor Leland, only vaguely listening to their conversation on John’s improvement, when an arm suddenly reached out and gripped Bruce’s own. “I CAN’T TASTE ANYTHING!!! I WANT TO TASTE!!!” A patient screamed at Bruce as he pulled out of his grip. A couple of orderlies rushed in to handle things, and John raised an eyebrow over at Bruce, “You gotta be more careful Bruce...some of these guys bite.”

Bruce said nothing, but moved to stay on the opposite side of the hall, away from the cells.

 “Do you remember the first time you let me into the rec room, Doctor Leland?” John started up again. Bruce decided paying attention would be the better choice. After all, he had no idea how long he would have to be in Arkham for...and getting to know John could only be good, right?

“How could I forget?” Doctor Leland replied fondly.

“You had to teach me how to play checkers.” John reminisced. Bruce wondered how long exactly John had been in Arkham, if he’d never known how to play checkers.

Doctor Leland didn’t get to respond, as an inmate suddenly ran towards an old phone, “No no… you need to let me go! I have to warn the president! They’re trying to kill me!!!” He wailed, being dragged away by two orderlies quickly.

“They don’t like it when you try to use the phone.” John whispered warningly, but not quiet enough that Doctor Leland didn’t hear.

“That’s because phones are for staff use only. No exceptions.” She glanced quickly at Bruce, who couldn’t help feel slightly defensive at her accusatory stare.

“Didn’t stop that guy from trying...such persistence.” John quickly moved over the the door of the patients cell, banging on it aggressively, “Wrong number, dumbass!”

“John!” snapped Doctor Leland. John immediately stopped, a doe-eyed expression on his face.

 They finally stopped at two double doors. “I’ll come by to check on you two later.”  Doctor Leland said.

“Don’t worry about us, Doctor Leland! I’m gonna take good care of him.” John replied as he lead Bruce through the doors to the rec room. He opened his arms widely, “Welcome... to Arkham Asylum. Believe it or not, some of these people are crazy!” Bruce took in the entire room, mentally mapping out everything he could. How many guards there were, the exits, the patients, and the quality of everything within. “But everyone’s friendly. Mostly.” John added with a smile. “I’d watch yourself around those two.” He inclined his head over towards an old man with a sock puppet, and a shirtless bald man covered in scars that looked eerily like tally marks.

“Thanks for the warning.” Bruce said softly.

“No problem, buddy.” John replied casually, his demeanour like one who was showing a new employee around the workplace. “Let’s see...on the couch, that’s Sane Lewis. His favourite show’s on. Never misses it.” The television was playing static. John stood in front of the man, cupping his hands together, a sweet smile on his face. “Alright friendo- commercial break. Get up!” he snapped, but needn’t go any further as the man rushed away hastily. As Bruce neared, John had begun looking around the area, his hands placed thoughtfully on his hips. Bruce wondered if his words were in the same spot on John as they were on himself. “Where is...the remote? One of the orderlies must have taken it. Never fear though! I’ll go ask Leland. She likes me.” He boasted proudly, going to head past Bruce before pausing with a blink. “I almost forgot. Here.” Before Bruce realised what he was doing, John’s hand was in his, as he felt the weight of something chunky and metallic hit his palm. He glanced down. It was an old fashioned key.

“What is this?” He asked suspiciously, raising an eyebrow. John simply smiled, and walked away. Bruce decided it would be best to figure out what the key was for later, pocketing it quickly.

 Bruce spent some time listening in to other inmates conversations, and even attempting to use the key a couple of times to no avail. He refused to admit the slight relief he felt when John entered the room once more.

“Hey there, buddy boy!” John waved, “Ya missed me? I missed you.” John made himself comfortable in the old worn out armchair he had forced Sane Lewis out of, placing his feet up as he turned the tv on to the news.

Bruce watched as Harvey Dent- his old friend spoke of the Children of Arkham, how he was going to clean up Gotham’s streets. John scowled, “Never anything good on, is there?”

Bruce contemplated his next move. He by no means planned on staying in Arkham for long, but he did need to speak to John...no matter how suspicious he seemed. Sighing to himself, he walked over to John, “Your key. It didn’t work.”

John giggled inwardly, “Of course not, that’s not how you get out of here.” He grinned up at Bruce, his laughter apparently hard to control as he spoke, “You tried it though, didn’t you! That’s hilarious!” Bruce frowned, unamused, and the two men both turned their attention back towards the tv. “Politicians usually bore me to tears, but this one? This one has become a lot more interesting lately...” he turned to Bruce with a smirk, then back to the tv once more.

“In my Gotham no one’s above the law. Including Bruce Wayne.” Bruce felt John’s eyes boring into him, but was determined to keep a straight face, keeping his eyes forward. “After his vicious attack on Oswald Cobblepot I had Mr. Wayne committed to Arkham Asylum where I hope he’ll receive the treatment he so desperately needs.” Bruce gritted his teeth as his mind began reeling again. That same urge to strangle someone had returned, only this time it was directed towards Harvey.

“That double crossing, two-faced-”

“I thought you and the mayor were friends?” John smirked. He was trying to rile Bruce up, and if he had been in the right state of mind he would be able to shrug it off. But this was different. “Harvey was my friend. I can’t believe he’s the one who put me in here.”

“Sounds like you need better friends.” John muttered, a slight inflection in his voice. Was he implying himself? “Slim picking around here though. I’ve looked.” He added sadly, before turning back to the tv, catching the ending of Harvey’s speech. “Now THIS is good television!” He laughed. “‘Mayor on a rampage’ versus ‘Freaky Drug Terrorist’!” He chuckled to himself.

“Lady Arkham’s dangerous, way more dangerous than you think.” Bruce warned him, feeling the effects of the drugs calming down again, hopefully for the last time.

“Ohhhh I know about Lady Arkham, let me tell you...”

“-Tragically, there’s still no sign of Gotham Gazette reporter, Vicki Vale, after her mysterious disappearance earlier this week.” The news reporter read as a photo of Vicki-Lady Arkham- flashed on the screen.

“Very tricky, Vicki.” John commented, leaning over to Bruce, resting his chin in the palm of his hand knowingly, “I think we both know she’s quite the ‘Lady’. Right Bruce?”

Bruce felt his eyes widen, unable to hide his surprise. Who was this man? How did he know…

“Wait, you know that Vicki is...Tell me what you know-” Bruce began, only to be interrupted b John, who was clearly enjoying this.

“You want to find Vicki and her drugs huh? Get your revenge just like you got your revenge on Cobblepot? Publicly and dramatically! Something entertaining for these newscasters to talk about.” He smirked at Bruce.

“That all depends on you. If your information is good, we’ll see.” Bruce answered sternly. Soulmate or not, he didn’t trust this guy as far as he could throw him. He was starting to be relieved that this man didn’t seem to know at least that fact about him.

“I knew I liked you.” John smiled, rising to his feet. “I’ve been watching you for a while now, Bruce.” He spoke in a husky voice, one that sent chills down Bruce’s spine, and he wasn’t certain whether it was from fear, or something else. “And I can tell there’s something...darker in you.” John was staring at Bruce almost predatorily now. Bruce fought the urge to match his stare, knowing it was probably better not to compete with John. But those eyes...they were impossible to look away from. Despite all of this, Bruce still wanted to know...who exactly was John Doe?

 One Year Later…

 Bruce didn’t know what to say, as he sat across from John...or was it still Joker? Bruce realised he didn’t even know what to call his best friend anymore. He almost let out a laugh at that thought. Best friend. He knew that their relationship had long since passed that territory, yet also neither of them had ever had the guts to say so. That was until a month ago, when everything had just gone straight downhill…

 “I was such an idiot.” John’s voice rang clear as day through Bruce’s memory. “I was so busy looking at you. Admiring you. Wanting to be like you.” He had paused, hesitated. “Be loved by you.” Bruce still remembered the lump in his throat in that moment. Maybe because it was the same one he had in this very instant.

“H-hi John.” He finally stammered, forcing himself to look John right in those big green eyes of his. He hoped he’d picked the right name.

“Oh Bruce, I-I’m so happy to see you!” John’s arms reached out, and Bruce prepared himself for those infamous hugs John seemed to love giving him. But it never came, as John hesitantly pulled his arms back into his lap. “Sorry...probably not a good idea...given the circumstances.”

Bruce sighed softly, out of relief that he was in fact going by John once more. He licked his lips, feeling his mouth was completely dry, his palms sweaty...why did he have to be so nervous around John? So uncertain? He had lived most of his life faking emotion for others, being able to pretend he was cool, calm, confident. But never with John. Nothing could ever be fake with John.

“It’s good to see you too, John.” Bruce stared down at his lap. He needed to get so much off his chest. Things he had wished he had been brave to speak about long before all of this happened. But talking about his feelings did not come as a second nature to Bruce, and usually when he tried, he’d screw things up.

 “Why?” John suddenly uttered, turning Bruce’s attention back to him. “After everything I did...why wouldn’t you just leave me here to rot? Everyone else has.” John sounded so vulnerable, like he might even cry. Bruce had never wanted to hold him more. John hissed abruptly, cradling his right hand in his left. He rubbed a thumb lightly over his palm, where a dark bruised scar with stitches ran along it. Bruce winced alongside John, not even realising he had extended a hand to lightly touch it.

John fell silent as Bruce traced his finger along the ridges of the stitches, finally staring back up at Bruce.

“You’re my f-...you...mean a lot to me, John. And for what it’s worth, I’m so sorry about this.” Bruce gave him a small smile, scooting closer to examine the stitches further. “Heh...two threads in the same stitch, right?” Bruce’s smile dropped as quickly as it had appeared. “Sorry, that’s not fu-”

He paused as John slowly began chuckling, watching as it grew into full on laughter.

“That is funny Bruce...I think I may be starting to rub off on you...” He smiled over at Bruce, and for a moment it seemed like it used to be. Maybe even better.

 Bruce cleared his throat nervously, realising he was still holding John’s hand, and released it, standing as if he were merely stretching. He needed to change the subject, before he could back out. “John,” He was finding it really hard to look him in the eyes now, and knew undoubtedly that John would notice his strange behaviour.

“That’s my name.” John said lightly. Bruce spun on his heel to face the green haired man once more. “But it isn’t really, is it?” John blinked innocently. “No, I uh...guess I forgot.”

Bruce sighed again, running a hand through his hair anxiously.

“Look I- we need to talk about that night.” To his surprise, John nodded in agreement.

“I know...I was kinda just hoping you wouldn’t mention it, though.” He sheepishly added, placing a hand behind his back. “A lot of things were said and done, but we can just start over and pretend none of it ever ha-” He stared up at Bruce, who stood in front of him with folded arms and an eyebrow raised. “Can’t hurt a guy for trying, Brucie!”

Bruce smiled briefly, before drawing in a nervous breath. “I think this will work best if I just talk for a moment with no interruptions, okay?” John nodded, sitting up attentively, hugging something close to his chest. Bruce had to do a double take to realise it was a small handmade doll of...himself?

 Bruce shook his head. That wasn’t important right now. “Okay...that night you...you said you wanted to be...uhh...” neither of the men were quite looking each other in the eye now. They knew where this was going. “...you wanted to be loved by me...” he forced the words out, feeling as if he was back in school having to give a formal speech to his teacher again. He hastened a look at John, who stared back at him wordlessly. He was biting his bottom lip, as if he was trying to not burst out in denial. Bruce sort of wished he would. Denial was a lot easier than this. “But the thing is...I, err...” John’s eyes widened now, his head tilting in morbid curiosity. “You…?” He uttered so softly Bruce wasn’t even sure he heard it. Bruce closed his eyes, unable to say exactly what was on his mind, when suddenly… I don’t have to say it! He thought, and began hastily unbuckling his belt.

If John’s eyes could have widened further, they would have. “Uhh, Bruce…?” He stared on simultaneously confused yet excited, he had to admit.

“It’s not what it looks like.” Bruce mumbled bashfully, finally loosening his belt enough that he could feel his pants giving enough slack for what he needed. He placed his thumb at his belt loop near his right hip, and his left hand at the bottom of his shirt, pulling both just enough apart that his hip showed. John squinted, leaning forward off the edge of his bed, before he finally saw it. Only slightly darker than his actual skin tone, read the first words John had ever spoken to Bruce. John blinked, before lunging off his bed at right at Bruce’s hip for a closer inspection. Bruce swallowed nervously at the placement they were in. It would not look good to any orderlies checking in on them to find them like this.

“Buddy, aww buddy...are you okay?” John read softly aloud...and then again, only a little louder. Before he finally leapt up with a loud, joyous laugh. One that sounded so differently from all the others. It wasn’t manic, or eerie. It was purely...bliss. He gripped Bruce’s shoulders, shaking him fervently. “That-that’s ME! Do you know what this means, Bruce?!” Bruce didn’t get to respond as John jumped excitedly, “It means I was RIGHT! Everyone in Arkham thought I was crazy! And Harley, she had me convinced that it couldn’t possibly be you, that it had to be a mistake! She said there was no WAY someone like you….OH!” He bit his lip between giggles, clenching his fists with excitement. “Hey Brucie, you ever wondered why I always keep this sleeve down?” He pointed to his right arm. “Betcha thought I just had weird fashion sense. HA!” Without warning, John yanked his sleeve up, and there, from the length of his wrist to the end of his forearm, clear as day against his milky white skin said, “Who are you?” Bruce read aloud. He now understood John’s compelling need to reread it over and over, as he began to do the same. “Who are you...that’s really it. I-I can’t believe it...” Bruce moved over to the bed, sitting down, awestruck. It had been an entire year since he had first met his soulmate, and yet it was only now he had really confirmed it was so. And boy, did it feel…

 “This is amazing!” John exclaimed, finally pulling Bruce into the biggest hug he had ever done to him.

“It really is, isn’t it?” Bruce let out a small laugh, before pulling John back in a tight embrace. His nerves about all his feelings...they all seemed so stupid now. And there was no more need to try hide them, either.

The two men held each other for what felt like hours, before Bruce finally released John, only to do up his belt out of pure worry of someone walking in on them like that.

“Holy smokes.” John laughed, falling against the metal headrest of his bed. “I can’t believe it. I had thought maybe mine was a glitch, ya know? Or maybe it was only on my side...but...no...you’re my...we’re...” he lowered his voice to a whisper, “Soulmates!” He giggled like a schoolgirl, covering his mouth to muffle his laughter. Bruce had never wanted to kiss him more, and it felt great being able to admit that to himself.

“I know...it’s...a lot, to take in,” Bruce smiled, “I wish I had told you sooner. Maybe then all of this could have been avoided...if you had known-”

“Bruce.” John interrupted. “It’s about time I...take responsibility for my own actions. What I did wasn’t your fault. It’s on me...” He stared around his cell, “I have been in here almost my entire life...that’s obviously for a reason...maybe this is just where I am meant to be.” He sighed defeatedly.

“That’s bull, John.” Bruce raised an eyebrow, gaining the courage to place his hands on John’s, “Because we both know now that there is only one place you belong.” John smiled sweetly back at Bruce, closing his hands in Bruce’s.

“That’s with you, right?” He smiled a nervous, crooked grin at Bruce, who smirked back.

“Bingo.”

 Bruce couldn’t tell who went in first. And to be honest, he didn’t care. All he knew, was that in a flash, his lips had met John’s, and his heart was racing faster than it ever had before. His chest was tight and he was kissing John with everything he had. Neither of them were trying to take it slow, it was long past that. John kissed Bruce as though he was trying to savour every last bit of the kiss, in case it never happened again. As though they were fighting for each other’s souls. Because in a way, they were. Bruce’s tongue gently tickled John’s lips, who let out a small laugh in response. As John’s lips parted, Bruce slipped his tongue into his mouth, unable to get enough of him. John moaned into the kiss, his hands moving to grip Bruce’s hair, tugging slightly harder than necessary. Now it was Bruce’s turn to moan, before hitching John’s hips up closer to his, then laying him down on the bed. It was small, and could hardly the two of them on it, but neither cared. John broke the kiss briefly for air, and Bruce began kissing softly down his neck, nibbling at John’s earlobe carefully. He could feel his pants tightening from the excitement, and was only just resisting the urge to grind his crotch into John’s.

 “I’ve wanted this for so long.” John breathed airlessly, moving his lips up so that he could return the favour by planting kisses on Bruce’s neck. In one, swift move, John clamped his teeth down just a little too hard on Bruce’s neck, simultaneously managing to flip them both over so he was now on top. Bruce had to admit, he was a little impressed. John’s moved down Bruce’s neck, almost mimicking what he’d done to him, only as he reached that sweet spot between Bruce’s neck and shoulder, he clamped his teeth down hard and began sucking, his tongue moving in circles over the spot as he did. “Leaving your mark?” Bruce smirked.

John let up only for a moment to reply, “Figured I should leave one everyone can see.”

 Bruce was more than ready to continue, but was caught off-guard when John sat back up. He was positioned with his legs on either side of Bruce, sitting right on his crotch. Bruce could feel his cheeks flushing as a look of recognition spread across John’s face. “That a batarang in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” He giggled lightly, enjoying as Bruce scrunched up his face in embarrassment.

“Umm, but Brucie...is it...is it okay if that is enough for today?”

Bruce pushed himself up on his elbows, seeing John sitting there shyly twisting his finger with his other hand.

“Oh-Of course, John.” John smiled weakly at him, and moved to the edge of the bed, allowing Bruce to sit up beside him.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that...well...” John looked away from him, “I’ve never really...you know...and I uh….kinda want that to be special. Maybe one day when I’m out of here…?” He turned expectantly to Bruce, who placed an arm over John’s shoulders.

“For the record, you didn’t have to explain your reasons to me...but of course. I think that’s a good idea. We shouldn’t rush things.” Bruce squeezed John’s arm comfortingly with a warm smile, which he returned.

“Yeah...we have our whole lives now.” John sighed to himself contentedly.

“Huh, I hadn’t even thought about that...yeah, we do.” Bruce smiled, feeling his heart leap back into his throat as John nuzzled into his side.

“Jay.” John said, his eyes closed, and a serene expression on his face.

“What?” Bruce asked, glancing down at John.

“You wanted to know my real name...it’s Jay.”

So bc another post made me think of just how petty I am, I am gonna share a story with you guys

So without delving into too much detail, one lil fact you should know about me is that my first (and only as of yet) partner and I dated for around three years before breaking up about four years ago. We are still friends to this day (whether you find it weird or not idc it is what it is)

Anyway so towards the end of our relationship my partner got invited to a group (mixed girls and guys) trip up the coast. I was surprised when he told me he was going, but that I wasn't invited. When I asked why he was like, "well they aren't your friends so why would they invite you?"

To which I replied, "Since they know I'm your gf and it is a mixed trip, not just some boys trip?" but he disagreed. We ended up getting into a HUGE argument about it (big enough that the week he came back we broke up but anyway) because he thought they shouldn't have to invite me, and I was mad that he didn't even think to say "Is it okay if I bring my gf along?"

So skip ahead to last week. My ex-turned-buddy and I are hanging out, trying to make plans for a small group of our friends to go to Canada with, and I say "what about (let's call him) Derek?"

And he goes, "Yeah, but then we have to invite (I shall refer to her as) The Bitch" (long story on the bitch, but short version, none of us like her)

So I have a lightbulb moment. I see this opportunity. I resist a smirk. I know I have him cornered. He is merely a fly in my web. But I play along.

"Really?" I say, "We could just not invite her?" I suggest innocently.

And he still doesn't see, he's about to fall right into my trap.

"Yes we do!" he insists. By this point I am

Q U A K I N G with glee. I raise an eyebrow, my sneer apparent to anyone but him.

"And why's that?" I ask.

"Because she's his girlfriend!" As soon as the words leave his mouth, he turns white, his eyes bulge. He knows he has done fucked up.

He sees me sitting smugly, and all he can do is say "Shut the fuck up!" even though I have nothing left to say.

If you could magically transform a dog into a human, would the dog become their dog age or their human age?

I'm not at all a medical professional or anything, but is getting implanon an option for you? While it isn't guaranteed, there is a good chance it could stop you having your period altogether (it did with me so I don't get cramps or anything anymore) Sorry if this is intrusive and/or too personal, just thought it might be a viable option if your periods get that bad ^^'

hey, i was the one who started posting abt my period online, so if anyone’s crossed the too personal line it’s me :P but nah you’re all good - it just took a lot of tries to find a bc pill that doesn’t completely mess me up with side effects, so my gp and i decided it’d be best if we stick to that one and try not to screw up my chemical balance any further, so instead i just take it in such a way that i do only get my period four times a year and can generally control what time of month it happens so that i can best be in a position to nap and not have to go outside much. 

So this one time I was out to dinner with some friends, and while waiting for our dinner to come, I was munching on some of the bread. The bread was buttered, so when I took a bite into a piece I had put a bit too much on, a chunk of butter got stuck to my cheek.

Without thinking, I picked up a dry piece of bread, wiped my cheek with it, and ate that piece of bread.

As soon as I did this, I realised my mistake, and glanced up to see my friend Christina staring at me in disbelief.