#which is exhausting

I also know this will never happen.

It sure makes trying to have a discussion about a topic difficult, though, when the two people are using the same word to mean entirely different things.

ESPECIALLY if one of the two parties is dead set on their definition being the only correct one.

It would be hard enough to fight ONE guy while he's invisible, but having TWO of them going at you? Infinitely harder.

I feel so Blessed.

There’s really no other word for it. & I don’t mean in a organised-religion-sort-of-way, though if that’s what helps you, then feel free.

I mean that aside from the obvious reasons, my life has been such a cluster fuck for the last couple of years & it felt like I was constantly clinging on by the edges of my fingernails. To my own sanity, to my will to keep going, to everything & everyone I hold dear.

And yes, I lost one of those people. An incredibly important & loved someone. But that isn’t what this post is about.

What I’m feeling now? That I’ve made it through. Mostly. There are still plenty of rough patches to go (the impending festive season which harshly reminds me that we’re approaching a year of her being a gone being the obvious one) & I am trying to prepare for them as best I can.

But mostly? I’ve made it. & that cliche is true, I made it through with a bit of help from my friends.

I have a house. I have my own honest to goodness space that is entirely mine, to do exactly what I want with, to feel however I want to feel, to do exactly as I please.

I can slow dance in front of a frying pan while I cook - yes, me, cooking! & I’m not terrible at it! - I can spend twenty minutes laying on my own carpet in my own living room because my back is bad, I can forget to close the living room door behind me & groan when I realise it’s letting all the heat out. I can play music from the moment I get in the door until I drift off to sleep. I can watch telly - my own single choice of telly! First time ever! I can organise my books & DVDs in whatever random configuration suits me & then forget the system three days later. I can have tea whenever I feel like it & finally use all those special blends I’ve been saving for so long.

I will never EVER stop being grateful for this incredible gift. For opening my own curtains & looking out & feeling Home for the first time in so very long.

I have projects planned. I have things I want to do now. The whole world, cliche as it is, is open to me now. My oyster.

& I am so unbelievably lucky. Because I have the most special, supportive, loving, fantastic, spectacular circle of people around me. To help, to talk, to advise, to be there whenever I need them. I feel it! In a consistent, almost physical way, this warmth & joy inside that is this massive blanket of LOVE from them all.

Friends, family, people I could not do without. Who give their time & their concern & their attention. Just because I ask. Who check in when I’m forgetful. Who never judge me for my faults. Who make me laugh.

It’s almost like I can’t contain all of this happiness, it’s bubbling & roiling inside me, trying desperately to be expressed & I can’t figure out how.

Hence this brain splurge.

Plus I want to remember & be able to come back to this memory of being tucked into my arm chair, feeling so full of love & joy & excitement for the future. Because I know it won’t always be like this. & I need to remember.