#whenisawtheghost

you know, at first i got really angry about this. then i wasn’t. those who cling to the past are... well, sad / lonely / super depressed people.

it’s amazing how it’s been a year (maybe more idek) and they still stalk, creep, and probably weep over jealousies.

that’s fine, it’s their prerogative. we still stand strong, we still stand united, and we’re better than ever.

people who seek to destroy the happiness from others through anonymity are cowards. and nobody has time for cowards these days. all we can do is brush it off our shoulders and laugh.

Online friendships stopped holding relevancy for me a long time ago. Over the years, I’ve closed off, I’ve gotten hard, I became absolutely impossible to

truly

pry open. On the surface, I’m a kind, genial, happy-go-lucky person, but that’s how you’re supposed to be on the internet. You treat everyone like they’re the best person in the world, and through roleplaying and common conversation, they become your friend. But for a person to cross boundaries, for a person to reach beyond the line of virtual reality and tether themselves to your heart, it’s something else entirely. That’s what you’ve done for me, Jamie. I hate talking about this, I even hate writing this deep emotional shit, but tbh, it’s how I feel. What the fuck are you going to do about it? Honestly, you can do a lot of things.

A lot

. You can take my love and crush it between the palm of your hands. Or, you can slowly manipulate me into becoming your lapdog. And I’d

happily

do it for you. You legitimately have a power over me, a hold over me, a big ass advantage over me, and I’ve never ever ever dealt with that in the past.

I’ve had close online friends before, sure, but they don’t mean a thing compared to you. You’re my best friend, the one person that I can’t go more than 24 hours without talking to. And I know we shouldn’t be this attached and I know I shouldn’t love you as much as I do, but it’s there. I don’t know how to take it back. If I could, I would in a HEARTBEAT. Because I don’t want to be this needy, I don’t want to be this attached, and I sure as shit don’t want to depend on somebody that I can’t see or touch. Because, I’ve been led to believe that all friendships require reality. It’s been engrained into my soul, I can’t unsee that. But I also can’t deny this. I don’t have the power to deny the beautiful, extraordinary friendship we have.

I am so fucking thankful for all the shitty things that happened to me. All the “friends” that I lost, because it led me to you. The final person on the end of that long line of fuck ups was you, and you were worth every bit of pain that I might’ve gone through.

I don’t outwardly express what you mean to me, but I don’t think you understand how important you are. And maybe even in this stupid letter, post, thread, whatever the fuck this is supposed to be, I’m still holding back because that’s who I am. I’m selfish, I’m manipulative, and I hate letting people come close to me. But dummy, I really do love you. I don’t joke about that. There’s a difference between ily and I. Love. You, and the latter is what I feel for you.

Now as you can see, me being the selfish person I am, I made this all about me. That’s my problem. I’m a Leo. Inadvertently, everything is always about me and my issues. But for once, let’s make this about you. Listen to me, you’re a Queen, but most importantly, you’re my Queen. You’re the Regina to my Hook, the Dean to my Sam, the Justin to my Brian, and the Bucky to my Steve (ew stop). You’re the most intelligent person I’ve ever met in my life. You’re the most beautiful person to ever exist. And you have a heart that’s so big that it hurts me every time I think about the million times we fight. Can I just say that I fight with you because I love you? I know that’s what all fucking abusive assholes say? But seriously Jamie, I only fight because I’m scared of you hurting me. GODDAMNIT. There I go making this about me. Sorry.

I know you think that life is fucked up right now, I know you think everything is fucked and things are never going to get better. But you’re Jamie. You’re JAMIE FUCKING THOMAS. The strongest person I know, and I’d be damned if I let you mope in misery. It kills me to see you so guarded, so lost, so fucking afraid of your shadow. I just want to make it better, I want to make you forget, I would do anything in my power to make you a tiny bit happier. All you have to do is let me.

You’re a phenomenal human being and seeing you sad breaks my heart in two. I can’t bear it. When you’re happy, I feel like I am right there with you. I’m so intune with your moods, and you are with mine. No, I’ll never ever ever ever speak these words out loud to you, or ever acknowledge how deeply invested I am in our friendship, but fuck me, if you aren’t my best friend in the world. That’s not normal, right? Internet people aren’t supposed to be friends. That’s not how life works, does it? But here we are, where we’ve always been, sharing a computer connection that should be labeled toxic, but it’s the best thing I have in my life right now.

Thank you, Jamie Thomas. Thank you for being my friend, my writing partner, and my platonic soulmate. You’re a beautiful woman being and I’m not worthy to be your friend, let alone be in your league. Thank you for taking pity on me and giving me a friendship that I cherish more than I care to admit. Can I just say, that when we fall apart or stop being friends, reading this back would destroy me. Break me in half.

Ignite-RP started off as a random thing. A bunch of bored folks wanting a real life site to participate in, and now -- four days into opening, I’m just floored at the massive hype that it’s gotten. Like seriously, it blew my mind. I honestly didn’t think we would be this successful. 

We have over 230 members, over 8000 posts, and it’s only been four days. Those kind of STATS in this day and age are impossible. I’m so blessed to be a part of this team, part of this staff, and I love the bitches that helped create this huge fucking success.