#whatthehelliswrongwithme?

I have yet to experience first love. I am exactly eighteen years, five months old today and I am yet to experience first love.

I have once had a conversation with someone -- I can't quite remember who -- but he had this theory about love. He said, first love is very important and the reason why it often occurs at a relatively young age (high school years, let's say) is because that way you can experience all the mess of immature, selfish, first love early on in life. Then, with that experience already part of who you are you can go on forward, looking for not just a better, more fitting, rewarding love but perhaps even the love of your life. 

He didn't mean to say that first love cannot be true love or the one and only love but just that, quite often, first love serves people as a more than just loving and being in a relationship with another person. It is a lesson, an experience from which we can grow and learn and if we overcome it at a relatively young age we can go on to having fulfilling relationships with people who similarly experienced first love and learned from it.

When I told him I never loved before... I don't remember his face or his name but I remember he looked at me and asked: "Really?" and I said "Yeah" and there was this silence... I don't remember if it lasted long or not, I don't remember on what frequency it resonated... But I remember the feeling of it, thick, full with meaning, and sort of... Inevitable... It was as if the silence was telling me: "Something is wrong with you. You will never be able to experience proper, mature love if you miss the chance of first love at a young age. You will never love. You will never be loved."

And that's silly! Quite silly! But sometimes, when I look at a post on the Internet, or at a scene on TV, or I hear something of a friend or acquaintance in any sort of trouble (emotional, physical, psychological, education related) I experience this coldness. I would like to call it apathy but it's not exactly that, it seems as if it surpassed that and is now bordering on cruel disregard... And I think to myself: "How can someone who feels that way ever love someone, truly, passionately, until it hurts?"

So... I worry. Sometimes I worry a lot -- like today -- and sometimes very little. Sometimes, I don't worry at all but I always know that the worry will come. Next time.

D: don’t be sad, I reblogged our thread if you still wanna do that

YIKES.