#whateverrrrrrrrrrr

so incredibly exhausted after today & literally all i did was wake up, go to work, come home, & redye my hair

im feeling so weak just thinking about him. i miss him so much but a simple appearance of him in my head makes me nauseous. i miss him so so so much but just thinking about him continuing his life without my friendship is making my limbs weak. he became a trigger of mine and i fucking hate it, he once was my bestest friend so why do i want to puke my guts out when i think about him now

and it's too hot and I can't be pleased.

learning to tell my brain to drop it and that it's bait so i don't run myself into the ground

the thing is. there's like. exactly 2 people I feel like I can be myself around and even that's conditional. because I have been shown time and time and time again that my unadulterated personality is too abrasive and annoying. and now even when I try to be myself I don't even know how because ive spent 10+ years filing off parts of myself to fit. and yet I am somehow expected to accept other people's flaws at face value with no reaction as if they aren't constantly policing my flaws to the point that I hardly exist outside of the gaze of others.

can someone start sneaking T into my food or something so I can just get on T without agonizing over if I really want it or not