#wellheregoesnothing

being pregnant has been a beautiful experience, it’s made me appreciate so many things and opened my eyes to a world and many things i was so closed off to before. i love my little peanut growing inside of me, and i cannot wait until she comes to join us in october. I just.. i miss doing something with my life. a part of me regrets moving back home because at least in san diego i was making money.. struggling and living with some interesting roommates, but i was making my money and relying on myself just like i’m used to. but i let the fear of having a child take over and woo me on moving back home (another factor in this was that my boyfriend had JUST moved to vegas when we found out i was pregnant causing complications) With everything going on i thought it was best to move back home where if anything happened i would have my whole family here.. eventually my boyfriend moved into my room with me back home which, is wonderful, i wanted him around for all the doctor visits and everything to come with having a baby. I just didn’t realize how hard it was going to be to find a job back home.. now that.. i’m pregnant. 5 months, i’ve been home for 5 months and i still have no job, which, my boyfriend & my doctor thought was best for me because it’s my first pregnancy and we dont want any miscarriages or anything to happen. But all i do is stay at home, watch my little sister, and take my dog for walks. i feel like i have no purpose.. my bf works two jobs busting his ass with 1-0 days off a week. any spare time we have it’s spent relaxing.. which is what i do.. all the time.. I just.. i know it has a lot to do with my emotions and hormones all haywire because of this pregnancy but man.. i feel worthless.. i feel like i’m doing nothing with my life.. i feel so... lost.. and i feel so alone because i have no one to talk to about it but my boyfriend, but every time i bring it up it makes him feel guilty about it because he’s tired when he gets home and etc. he’s the best person i’ve ever been with who tries his best to understand me but he just doesn’t fully get it.. which is okay, im not shunning him for that, ever.. i just.. im overwhelmed with the fact that i’m doing nothing and i feel so shitty about it...

m.c.

this shit is getting tiring, man.

i guess i have more to lose now than i ever did.