#wedding magic

Flowers have been associated with weddings for almost as long as humans have been getting married. In fact, the use of flowers in ritual may actually be older than humans! Neanderthal graves in Iraq suggest that Neanderthals buried their dead with flowers. There are mentions of flowers in our earliest recorded accounts of weddings, such as in Egypt, Greece, and Rome.

Historically, couples would have used whatever flowers were available to them. While some cultures had flowers they preferred for weddings because of their symbolism, couples would have been limited by what grew in their area and by what was in bloom at the time of their ceremony. To be truly as historically accurate as possible, consider using flowers you grew or foraged yourself. Bonus points for native blooms!

For those who aren't into growing or gathering your own wedding flowers, modern florists and greenhouses allow us to choose from a wide range of flowers, many of which aren't native to our homes. This makes it much easier to choose flowers based on their symbolism, history, or cultural meaning.

Historic Wedding Flowers + Plants

Roses have been the flower of choice for Western weddings pretty much forever, and with good reason. The rose is associated with several ancient goddesses of sex, fertility, and/or romance, such as Inanna, Ishtar, Aphrodite, and Venus. (Later, medieval Christians would also associate this flower with the Virgin Mary.) Including the goddess's flowers in a wedding may have been a way of invoking her blessing on the union. Sappho called rose "Queen of the Flowers."

Roses are held in a high regard in pretty much every culture with access to them. They're strongly associated not only with love, but also with beauty, wholeness, blessings, and even spirituality.

Rose was included in wedding celebrations in Ancient Hellos (Greece) and Rome. It is associated with the planet Venus and the water element.

Wheat was also a popular inclusion in weddings in ancient Greece and Rome. Hellenic brides would carry sheaths of wheat or another grain to invoke fertility and good fortune. Wheat was strongly associated with agrarian goddesses like Demeter, Persephone, Ceres, and Proserpina. Carrying wheat may also have been a way of expressing a wish for the marriage to produce many children. Pliny the Elder explicitly says in his Natural History that wheat was included in weddings to honor Ceres.

In modern occult systems, wheat is associated with fertility, the conception of children, and wealth. It is associated with the planet Venus and the element of earth.

Olive branches also featured in Hellenic weddings. Olive was an important crop in the ancient Mediterranean, and olive branches were a symbol of peace and friendship. Olive was also used in the victors' crowns in the Olympic Games. In Athens, the olive tree was a symbol of Athena. It was also carried by worshipers of Apollo when they visited the Oracle at Delphi. Olive was also important to the Romans, who associated it with Mars in his aspect as a protector of peace.

In modern magic traditions, olive is associated with beauty, healing, stamina, wealth, fertility, protection and of course, peace. It is associated with the sun and the fire element.

Orange blossoms were included in Hellenic weddings as a sign of happiness. These strongly scented white flowers also sometimes appeared in Roman weddings. Thousands of years later, Queen Victoria wore a crown of orange blossoms at her wedding, but for her they were a symbol of chastity.

In modern systems, orange is associated with joy, partnership, sweetness, and good luck. It is associated with the sun and the fire element.

Hawthorn appeared in weddings in ancient Rome. Pliny the Elder said that Roman bridal processions included a hawthorn torch dedicated to the goddess Ceres. In Rome, hawthorn was more generally associated with love and good luck.

In Celtic cultures, especially Ireland, hawthorn was believed to be a fairy tree. For this reason, cutting a hawthorn tree or bringing hawthorn branches inside was considered bad luck.

The blooming of hawthorn trees was used to determine the date of Bealtaine, and hawthorn boughs were often decorated with flowers, ribbons, and egg shells to make a May bush, which was placed by the front door for good luck. In Britain, hawthorn wood was used to carve maypoles. Hawthorn flowers may be especially appropriate for a May wedding or handfasting.

In modern occultism, hawthorn is associated with protection, healing (especially healing the heart), romantic love, fertility, granting wishes, and happiness. It is still strongly associated with weddings and marriage. It is associated with the planet Mars and the fire element.

Lotus may have featured in ancient Kemetic (Egyptian) weddings. The lotus was an important symbol in Kemetic religion, and was associated with the sun, rebirth, and the creation of the world. Lotus flowers featured in festivals to honor Hapi, the androgynous god of the Nile. The lotus is used in art to represent Upper Egypt. An Egyptian poem from 1100 BCE connects the lotus to marriage.

Lotus flowers were also popular in ancient Chinese weddings, and they're still used by some Chinese couples today. In Chinese culture, lotus represents purity, honor, and long life.

In modern traditions, lotus is associated with protection, spirituality, and blessings. It is associated with the moon and the water element.

Yellow flowers were used in pre-Christian Ireland for blessings and protection. The exact flower used for these rituals is not specified, so it seems like the color was what mattered. Modern pagans looking to carry on this tradition have lots of yellow flowers to choose from. Some popular choices include yellow roses (see above), yellow amaryllis (associated with creativity, playfulness, and joy), chrysanthemum (associated with long life, optimism, and protection), marigold (associated with happiness, rebirth, and vitality), and/or daffodils (associated with love, fertility, and luck).

Modern Wedding Flowers

We've gone over some of the flowers that were popular in historic pagan weddings, but it's also easy to pagan-ify the flowers that are most popular in modern weddings. Here's a quick rundown of some popular wedding blooms and their neopagan and occult symbolism:

Peony is associated with purification, healing, prosperity, and success. In ancient Rome, peony was believed to be sacred to Mars. It is associated with the sun and the fire element.

Dahlia is associated with mystery, occult wisdom, and transformation. It is associated with the moon and the water element.

Lilac is associated with balance, peace, romance, protection from evil, and attracting friendly spirits. It is associated with Venus and the water element.

Sweet Pea is associated with comfort, charm, and sweetness. It is associated with Venus and the water element.

Hydrangea is associated with healthy boundaries, breaking negative patterns, hex breaking, and protection. It is associated with water and with both the moon and Neptune.

Tulip is associated with beauty, desire, gratitude, love, prosperity, and simplicity. It is associated with Venus and the earth element.

Orchid is associated with beauty, elegance, sexuality, fertility, and romance. It is associated with Venus and the water element.

Lily is associated with spirituality, beauty, harmony, and protection from the evil eye. It is associated with Venus and the water element.

Carnation is associated with beauty, love, rebirth, strength, and healing. Carnations are associated with same-gender love and especially love between men because of Oscar Wilde's fondness for them. They are associated with the sun and the fire element.

Gardenia is associated with love, peace, healing, and spirituality. It is associated with the moon and the water element.

Resources:

"New Neanderthal remains associated with the ‘flower burial’ at Shanidar Cave," Cambridge University Press

"History of Wedding Flowers" by Benna Crawford

The Roman Wedding by Karen K. Hersch

"The Olive in the Ancient Mediterranean" by Mark Cartwright

"The History, Mythology, and Offerings of Hawthorn" by Meghan Pivarnik

Where the Hawthorn Grows by Morgan Daimler

Temple of the Cosmos by Jeremy Naydler

The Magic of Flowers by Tess Whitehurst

The Magic of Trees by Tess Whitehurst (see my disclaimer about Whitehurst's books, but these are some of her better ones)

If you're like the vast majority of pagans, you probably have friends, family, or other people you care about who are not pagan. It's highly likely that you will have guests at your wedding who do not share your beliefs.

We can only hope that our non-pagan loved ones are open-minded, understanding, and supportive of our choice of spiritual path -- but realistically, this isn't always the case. You might have friends or family who don't really understand what paganism is or why you would want a pagan wedding. You may have loved ones who have been misinformed about what it means to be pagan by movies, TV, and popular culture. You might even have loved ones who are actively opposed to your religion, or who you don't feel safe "coming out" to.

If it's not important to you that your non-pagan friends and family attend your wedding, great! Only inviting other pagans decreases the chances that you'll have to explain ritual elememts or comfort an uncomfortable guest. If that's the route you want to go, by all means, have a pagans-only wedding. If it is important to you that your non-pagan loved ones are there for this milestone, then you really have three options: 1.) have a pagan  wedding knowing you may have to accomodate non-pagan guests, 2.) have a secular wedding, possibly with a private religious ritual before or after, or 3.) have multiple weddings or split the wedding into multiple events, like a pagan ceremony with a secular reception. (Technically you also have a fourth option, which is to plan the type of wedding your loved ones are expecting. However, I do not recommend this option. Your wedding is about you and your partner(s), not your families, friends, and acquaintances. I've never met someone who compromised on their wedding and didn't regret it.) Let's explore what each of these options might look like. If you decide to go ahead with a fully pagan ceremony, the most important thing is to make sure you communicate up front that this will be a pagan religious ritual. You can include a line on invitations like "Please join us in celebrating our commitment with a Wiccan handfasting ceremony," or "[Partner] and [partner] will be exchanging vows in a Hellenic pagan ceremony." This makes it very clear to recipients what type of ceremony they've been invited to, and it gives them a chance to contact you with questions or concerns. If someone does contact you to ask about the ceremony, answer their questions honestly. They may be genuinely curious and simply want to know more about your beliefs. You might find it helpful to choose a good book about your religion ahead of time so you can recommend it to curious guests. This gives them a chance to feel more prepared for the ceremony, and it also spares you from having to teach a Paganism 101 class while you're trying to plan a wedding. If one of your guests expresses concern or discomfort about attending a pagan wedding (or worse, tries to talk you out of having one), you might have to set a firm boundary with them. Let them know that you value your relationship with them and that it would mean a lot to you for them to be present for your wedding, but that you also value your spiritual practice and feel it's important to have a ceremony that accurately reflects who you are.  Tell them that you hope they are willing to set aside any ideological differences to support you during this important milestone, but you would never want them to do something that makes them feel unsafe or violates their deeply held beliefs just because you asked them to. Tell them that if they truly feel that they cannot be part of a pagan wedding, they shouldn't attend. Keep in mind that some religions teach that it is wrong or a sin to participate in rituals from other religions. If you have a friend or family member who practices one of these religions, you may want to leave them out of your pagan wedding plans. If you want them to know you're thinking of them, send them an invitation but be prepared for them to turn you down. 

If you're choosing to have a pagan wedding, you're probably very open about your beliefs and have loved ones who are supportive. But be aware that there is always a chance your invitations will set off a missionary resonse from one of your guests, especially if you invite people who didn't previously know you were pagan. If you get a call or text from someone who is "concerned about your spiritual wellbeing" or "has some concerns about your lifestyle," refer back to the previous advice about guests who are uncomfortable attending a pagan ceremony. Tell them that you're happy with your current religious practice and aren't looking to convert. Be polite but firm. Make it clear that you respect their spiritual beliefs and expect them to do the same for you. If they keep bringing up the issue, you may need to privately let them know that they are no longer invited to the wedding. Uninviting someone from an event is always awkward, but it's much less awkward than letting that person make a scene during a serious religious ritual. Be willing to have difficult conversations ahead of time to avoid having them on your wedding day. 

But sometimes it's not as simple as not inviting someone. Maybe it's very important to you that your grandmother be present at your wedding, but your grandmother wouldn't be comfortable attending a pagan ceremony. In these situations, you might choose to have a secular ceremony instead.

A secular ceremony is exactly what it sounds like -- a legally binding wedding ceremony with no religious elements. A lot of people associate secular weddings with "courthouse weddings," which is when you and your partner get married at a courthouse or other government building with few or no guests. While this is a popular option, especially for couples who don't want an expensive wedding, secular weddings can be as big and extravagant as you want to make them. The main difference is that the wedding will be officiated by a justice of the peace or an ordained nondenominational minister instead of by a member of the clergy. And, of course, there won't be any overt religious elements.

A secular wedding can be a great option if you're marrying someone who isn't pagan, or if your family and friends aren't very religious. It also allows for a lot of freedom and personalization since you don't have to follow any specific traditions. You can even ask a friend or relative to get ordained (which, at least in the US, can be done online for free) so they can officiate the wedding. The sky is the limit when it comes to planning a secular ceremony.

If you decide on a secular wedding but still want to ritually acknowledge your union or ask the gods to bless your marriage, you can do so in a private, personal ritual either before or after the wedding itself. If your partner is also pagan or is open to participating in pagan rituals, ask them to join you. If not, enjoy this personal time alone with your gods and ancestors.

The third option is to have two or more wedding events. This is the most complicated (and usually most expensive) option, but it's also the best way to make sure everyone gets what they want -- you and your partner(s) get a religious ceremony that is meaningful to you, and your families and friends can still attend a wedding that feels familiar and traditional.

This is also sometimes the best option for interfaith couples. Some religions only recognize marriages that were performed according to their traditions, and many of these faiths don't allow for interfaith ceremonies -- if your partner belongs to one of these religions, you may need to have two ceremonies. Or maybe one or both of you has a very traditional family who want you to have a ceremony that reflects their cultural heritage. For example, a Roman Catholic who is marrying a Heathen with Indian heritage might have up to three different ceremonies: a Catholic religious ceremony, a Heathen religious ceremony, and an Indian cultural ceremony. (This would only happen if the Heathen partner wanted a religious ceremony, since Heathenry recognizes non-Heathen marriages.)

This is also a great option if you're torn between having a pagan ceremony and having a secular one. You can have a small pagan ceremony with just you, your partner(s), your officiant, and a few pagan or pagan-friendly loved ones, then have a secular ceremony or a big reception for your less open-minded guests. You don't have to make compromises, everyone gets to be a part of your wedding in some way, and you can all gracefully avoid any tense conversations about belief or lifestyle.

The downside to the "multiple weddings" approach is that it makes the whole process a lot more stressful for the people planning all these events, which is usually the people getting married. Each event costs money and requires time and energy to plan, plus you'll be juggling multiple guest lists. Depending on how anti-pagan your loved ones are, you may even have to keep the pagan ceremony a secret, which is another source of stress. The last thing you want is to get angry phone calls from relatives who just found out they were only invited to part of your wedding! Ultimately, you and your partner need to decide if making everyone happy is worth that extra stress.

Full disclosure: my fiance and I decided to go the "multiple weddings" route. We had a couple of family members who we wanted to include, but who we knew wouldn't be willing to attend a pagan ritual. At the same time, both of us are very religious in our weird, pagan way, and we knew we wanted to have a religious marriage ceremony. A secular wedding just wouldn't be authentic for us.

We decided to compromise by having a small, intimate, and very pagan ceremony, then having a larger, 100% secular reception later on the same day. Because our ceremony was going to be so small, we would be able to afford both events while still staying under budget. (My mom actually surprised me by offering to help pay for our reception, which was incredibly sweet, but we would have been able to pay for everything ourselves even without her much-appreciated help.) It probably helps that even at our "big" event, we're going to have fewer than fifty people.

If you and your partner(s) decide to have multiple weddings, be prepared to spend a lot of time and stress on the budget. Budgeting for multiple events means you may have to make sacrifices to save money -- for example, you may have to book a smaller venue for the reception so you can afford to reserve a space for the pagan ceremony. While it's possible to get married practically for free if you get a friend to officiate, have the ceremony and reception at a loved one's home, wear clothes you already own, etc., that may not be the type of wedding you and your partner(s) were imagining for yourselves. Sit down with your partner(s) early in the planning process and have a very honest, realistic talk about what you want vs. what you can actually afford.

No matter what type of ceremony (or how many) you decide to have, your family may offer to help you pay for it. In Western cultures, the bride's family traditionally pays for the wedding ceremony and the reception and the groom's family traditionally pays for the rehearsal dinner, the marriage license fee, and the honeymoon. While a lot of families no longer follow these strict etiquette guidelines, a lot of parents still feel like they should pay for something when their child gets married. This can be really helpful, because it can drastically increase your budget. But at the same time, be aware that family members who are paying for part of your wedding may feel like they should be involved in the decision-making process.

For example, if your very Christian grandmother is paying for your wedding, she may expect you to get married at her church. If your parents are helping to pay for things, they may expect to have input on some aspects of the ceremony or reception. This can sometimes spiral into someone else planning the wedding they want you to have while you get given a backseat in the decision-making.

This might be absolutely okay with you. I was glad to let my mom help me plan the reception, because I know she and I have similar tastes and would be on the same page. It was actually a relief to let someone else take over the catering math! When my future mother-in-law offered to pay for our wedding shower, I was thankful because it meant I could let her and her daughters take over planning for that event. More hands, brains, and wallets to help plan means less work for the couple themselves.

At the same time, my fiance and I are paying for 100% of the ceremony costs so we can be sure we have 100% creative control over that aspect of our wedding. It's important to us that we have the ritual we want, without debating over details with non-pagan family members.

This is my advice for other couples: don't let anybody pay for anything unless you'll be okay sharing creative control over that part of your wedding. Your family may not expect to have veto privileges just because they signed a check -- but you don't want to risk finding out after everything has been booked that your preferences have been overruled, or that a relative has backed out on their financial commitment because they don't approve of your choices.

In February, my partner and I will be celebrating our third anniversary. Like many people who have been dating for a while, we've decided to get married. Because we're both pagan, we've always known that we wanted a pagan wedding. But because neither of us is Wiccan (I'm a Heathen and he's a Roman pagan), we knew that our pagan ceremony probably wasn't going to look like a typical neopagan wedding. And, since we live in an area that doesn't have a lot of pagan resources, we knew we would be planning the ceremony and writing the ritual ourselves.

We are going to be having a true handfasting -- a Celtic-style marriage ritual that includes actually binding the couple's hands together with cord or ribbon. We're both Irish American, and we both incorporate Irish elements into our spiritual practices, even though we both have other stuff going on. We chose Lughnasadh (August 1st) as our wedding date because it's a traditional time for handfastings in Ireland, and we will be incorporating the binding of the hands. However, we're also planning for the ceremony to include lots of Norse and Roman elements. The cool thing about writing your own wedding ritual is you can include whatever religious or cultural elements are meaningful to you. (Provided you're not stealing from closed traditions you aren't a part of.)

Because I feel like struggling to plan a modern pagan wedding ceremony is a pretty common experience, I'm going to be sharing a lot of our research and planning process on this blog so you can learn from our experiences and (I'm sure) our mistakes. I'm calling this "The Great Handfasting Project."

Step one of wedding planning, as with so many things in revivalist spirituality, is research.

(I am aware that Raven Kaldera and Tannin Schwartzstein have a book on handfasting. However, I personally do not feel comfortable reading or reviewing anything with Kaldera's name on it because he has been accused by multiple former followers of some truly horrific abuse and exploitation. Aside from any ideological issues (and I do have several), I don't think someone who openly uses religious rituals to act out rape and torture fantasies is the type of person I want to take wedding planning advice from.)

Modern Handfasting: A Complete Guide to the Magic of Pagan Weddings by Liz Williams

(2021, Llewellyn Publications)

This was the first book I read after my partner and I decided we wanted a handfasting. Overall I felt like it was a great guide to modern handfasting ceremonies, especially the logistical side of planning one. (Can a handfasting be legally binding in my country? How do I handle family members who aren't pagan? What kind of venue should I book for my handfasting? Etc., etc., etc...) At the same time, this book is definitely focused on handfastings and doesn't really talk about other types of pagan wedding ceremonies. The wedding planning advice is still good, but if you're not planning a handfasting for your ceremony, the sample rituals won't be as helpful.

Pros:

Very thorough advice on how to plan a non-traditional wedding. After reading this book, I had a good idea of all the logistical stuff I’d need to do for my own wedding.

Queer and trans inclusive! The author includes extra advice and information specifically for queer couples and couples in which one or more partner(s) is trans.

Polyamory affirming! While this book mainly focuses on ceremonies with two partners, the author does talk a little bit about poly handfastings and about historic precedents for polyamory in paganism.

I liked how the author included mentions of love and marriage deities from other religions, like Hinduism and Vodou, while also talking about the dangers of cultural appropriation and making it clear that readers should seek out a clergy in those religions if they want to form a relationship with those deities.

The book is mostly very well-researched and transparent about sources.

Includes anecdotes from people who have been handfasted and from celebrants who have performed handfastings, including non-pagans.

Includes information on the legal status of pagan marriages in many different countries.

Cons:

While the author frequently mentions other traditions, most of the rituals given in this book are very much Wiccan handfastings. There’s a lot of emphasis on Wiccan ritual elements like calling the quarters and tools like athames and chalices. As someone who is not Wiccan, a lot of this just wasn’t relevant to me.

There’s not much mention of other ritual formats pagan weddings can take — which is fair, since handfasting is in the title, but this book will be less helpful to someone planning a Hellenic or Kemetic wedding, for example.

While the research is mostly pretty good, the author will occasionally come out of left field with something really “out there” and provably false, like saying that Odin’s horse Sleipnir has nine legs. (He has eight.)

The flower, herb, and tree correspondences given in this book mostly feature European species. Less helpful if you’re outside of Europe and want to use native plants in your wedding.

Overall Rating: 4/5

Do I recommend it? Yes

Handfasting: A Pagan Guide to Commitment Rituals by Rev. Dr. Kendra Vaughan Hovey

(2007, Provenance Press; part of the Passages series)

Although the title just says "pagan," it's made explicitly clear in the first few pages that this book is about neopagan handfasting traditions. Except not really -- the author is clearly talking about Wicca exclusively (she talks about the God and Goddess a lot and quotes from the Wiccan Rede), but she keeps insisting that these are things all neopagans believe and do. (They aren't.)

Pros:

There’s some good advice for interfaith couples, like making an effort not to prioritize one religion over the other and talking about how you’d like any kids to be raised before you get there. I especially like that the author talked about the importance of respecting your partner’s beliefs and not pressuring them to participate in your rituals.

I like that the author encourages people to incorporate family traditions, cultural traditions, or even religious traditions from their childhood if they were not raised pagan. There’s a big emphasis on personalizing your ceremony.

I enjoyed the section on themed weddings.

I appreciated that this book had information on choosing an engagement or wedding ring stone based on its magical associations.

Cons:

The author encourages couples to pick the gods they call on in their wedding ceremony based on the outcome they want that god to bring to their union. This is a big no-no because it reduces the gods to just another list of correspondences rather than autonomous beings deserving of respect.

This book contains A LOT of pretty major misinformation, like listing Pachamama as an Aztec deity (she’s worshiped by indigenous peoples in the Andes, which is fully on a different continent than the Aztec empire) and calling the Irish goddess Aine a moon goddess (she’s a solar goddess).

So much cultural appropriation. So. Much.

The author uses a lot of gendered, biological-essentialist language and insists on the importance of invoking one god and one goddess in your handfasting ceremony. There’s also a lot of penis-in-vagina sexual imagery. If you are anything but a cishet person marrying another cishet person, this is going to feel kind of icky.

The author explicitly says that pagans need to be “model citizens” (her words) and have a responsibility to make their religion look good to outsiders. That didn’t sit right with me — I don’t think anyone should live their life based on how other people might perceive them, and I definitely don’t think my wedding needs to be an advertisement for the virtues of paganism.

The author is weirdly, aggressively, anti-divorce? Even in cases of abuse or cheating? This is a direct quote from the book: “If we want our marriage to work out, it can. All we have to do is really want it.” Yikes! This kind of advice coming from a well-known reverend and high priestess is the type of thing that leads people to stay in unhealthy or abusive relationships because they feel guilty for “giving up” on their marriage.

The author is also weirdly fixated on sex and, more specifically, sexual monogamy. Normally this wouldn’t bother me, because I get that most people who want to get married are monogamous. But open marriages do exist, and can be very healthy. Not only does this book ignore that, it gets downright preachy about the importance of sexual exclusivity.

Overall Rating: 1.5/5

Do I recommend it? No. This book is 40% bad advice, 40% misinformation, and 20% information that is delivered better in the Liz Williams book.

Romantic Guide to Handfasting: Rituals, Recipes, and More by Anna Franklin

(2016, Llewellyn Publications)

Again, this book is heavy on the Wiccan influences, but it's not quite as bad as the Kendra Vaughan Hovey book -- at least t his author acknowledges that not all pagans are Wiccans.

Pros:

Gay affirming! There’s even a section specifically about gay deities to invoke in your wedding.

There’s a nice section on the history of handfasting, and on the origins of other traditions that are common in modern pagan weddings, like jumping the broom.

I liked that there was a section on wedding clothing, including tips for choosing what to wear for your ceremony.

The section on magical botanicals included detailed instructions for blending your own incenses and oils, which is helpful for readers who aren’t experienced with making their own blends.

There’s a pretty lengthy section on brewing your own wine, mead, and/or beer for the wedding feast, and it actually inspired me and my partner to do this for our handfasting feast!

I like the chapter on handparting, and I like that it includes a sample handparting ritual.

Cons:

A lot of misinformation in the deities section. For example, I don’t think most Hellenic pagans would consider Aphrodite an “Earth Mother” goddess, and as a Heathen I can definitely say that this author fully made up a new myth about Freyja, then portrayed it as an Old Norse story.

Once again, cultural appropriation rears its ugly head.

Uses the word “transsexual” interchangeably with transgender. This is an outdated term that is considered offensive by some, and by 2016 allies definitely knew not to use it.

The sections on gay weddings are much shorter and less well-researched than the sections for straight weddings. This, combined with the outdated language, makes me wonder if the author originally wasn’t going to include any info for queer couples but was pressured to add it in by her publishers. It feels insincere.

Uses the g-slur to refer to Romani people. And then suggests a [g-slur] theme as a potential wedding theme. In a book written in 2016???

Overall Rating: 2/5

While historical sources about pre-Christian weddings and books written by modern pagans can give you a lot of good ideas for your ceremony, many of them don't cover the most stressful part of getting married: planning, budgeting, scheduling, and managing a modern wedding.

My fiance and I decided in December to move our wedding date up from August of 2024 to August of 2023 -- cutting our planning time from nineteen months to just over seven months. This meant we had a lot less time than intended to make a guest list, make a budget, book a venue, send out invitations, buy our outfits, arrange catering for the reception, and all the other things you have to do to make a wedding happen. It also meant that our timeline was a little more rushed than we'd originally intended.

Because our timeline had suddenly shrunk, we decided to prioritize planning the reception first, then start writing a script for our ceremony after we'd nailed down reception details. We did this because we knew our reception was going to have more than three times as many guests as our ceremony and would be what we spent most of our budget on. Our reception is also going to be 100% secular out of consideration for guests who may not be comfortable attending a pagan ceremony but who still want to support us.

I cope with new and stressful situations by reading about them. Research is the balm that soothes my worries and the foundation that lets me build my own kickass plans. When we decided to move up our wedding date, I immediately went out and bought a couple of books to help me navigate the many big and small decisions I'd have to make in the coming months.

The Everything Guide to Micro Weddings by Katie Martin

When I first started looking into planning my own wedding, I quickly learned that what my fiance and I wanted to do is called a "micro wedding." According to Katie Martin, a micro wedding is any wedding or commitment ceremony with fewer than 50 guests. I feel like most pagan weddings end up falling into this category. (Something about pagans makes us prefer small, intimate gatherings, I guess?)

Pros

Katie Martin is actually a professional wedding planner, so this book very much comes across as expert advice from an industry professional.

There's lots of good, practical advice about logistics, which is exactly what I wanted. This book taught me how to make a wedding planning spreadsheet, and I love that.

I like that the author includes advice for dealing with family members' expectations for your wedding day, especially when they would have liked to see you do things differently. I think a lot of this advice is relevant to pagans whose family doesn't understand why they want a handfasting, or anyone else who has to gently break it to their grandmother that they aren't having a church wedding. I felt like these sections did help prepare me to defend our decision to do a small, casual wedding and my decision not to have my biological father present even though several of my siblings are still close to him.

This book is LGBTQ+ inclusive!

I also love that the author gives practical advice for interfaith and multicultural weddings, including alternatives for when one or both religions doesn't allow interfaith ceremonies.

I like that the author addresses guest dietary needs in the sections on planning the menu. For example, she recommends asking guests about food allergies before finalizing the menu, making sure to have vegan/vegetarian options, and offering non-alcoholic drinks for toasts. As a vegetarian with Celiac Disease, I appreciate this and can testify that it's unfortunately not something every wedding planner thinks about.

This book was written after the pandemic and includes tips and ideas for celebrating during quarantine, which is really helpful.

The appendix has literal checklists you can use to plan different parts of your wedding.

Cons

Katie Martin is a professional wedding planner who specializes in destination weddings, and it shows. She discusses destination weddings a lot in this book. Maybe it's just because I'm not planning a destination wedding, but I felt like that topic could have been its own book instead of being lumped into this one.

The "environmentalist" politics of this book are inconsistent. At one point, Martin says that one of the main draws of micro weddings is that they have a smaller carbon footprint than bigger weddings, which I'm sure is true. But just a few chapters later, she gives a list of potential locations for destination weddings that includes Hawaii and other places where both the environment and Native people are seriously harmed by tourism. This is a very minor gripe, but it annoyed me and felt a little bit like greenwashing.

I wish Martin gave price estimates for the things she suggests. I understand that she probably didn't want to date her book by including exact numbers, but a rough estimate would have been helpful. There are almost no numbers given, and when the author says that Option X is cheaper than Option Y, she doesn't say how much cheaper it is. This makes it hard to think about budgeting while reading.

It really rubbed me the wrong way that this author subscribes to the outdated etiquette of referring to married women as "Mrs. [husband's name]" in invitations and programs. Martin even says divorced women should be addressed as "Mrs. [ex-husband's name]" if they haven't remarried! This is based on the incredibly patriarchal idea that women's identities are defined by their husbands, and if I received a wedding invite that addressed me this way, I wouldn't go. There are also no alternatives given for addressing same-gender couples. This just feels like an incredibly old-fashioned and misogynist inclusion in a book that is otherwise very modern.

Overall rating: 4/5 stars

Would I recommend it? Yes, especially if you're doing most of the planning for your wedding yourself.

Offbeat Bride by Ariel Meadow Stallings

When my fiance and I first decided to (literally) tie the knot, Offbeat Wed (formerly Offbeat Bride) was an incredibly helpful source of inspiration. It was the first time I'd ever seen photos of polyamorous weddings, which I immediately sent to all of my partners with lots of hearts and crying emojis. It's also a goldmine of inspiration for queer weddings, nonbinary/genderqueer weddings, disabled weddings, and so much more. So when I learned that the site's founder had written a wedding planning book, I knew it would be an invaluable resource.

(Note: This book has been revised twice since it was originally published. The version I read is the third edition, which is the most recent version.)

Pros

This book addresses things I've never seen talked about in other wedding planning resources, like the conflict of hating the beauty industrial complex for making money off insecurities they created vs. wanting to look nice for your wedding photos. (Because even if you don't hire a photographer, someone is gonna take photos.) I loved this book's "do what you gotta do" approach and the emphasis on feeling comfortable and beautiful on your special day.

I cannot stress enough how much I appreciate the section titled "A Big-Bride Survival Guide." As a fat girl, lemme tell you: as stressful as shopping for wedding outfits already is, it's more stressful with a bigger body. And don't even get me started on the subtle (and not-so-subtle) weight loss comments from relatives. I loved that this book includes practical advice for how to navigate the entire process as a fat bride (or groom, or spouse).

This is by far the most LGBTQ+ affirming wedding planning book I've read so far. There's an entire chapter dedicated to queer weddings, but advice for queering your wedding is sprinkled throughout the rest of the book as well. "Queer wedding" also isn't only defined as two men or two women getting married. There's advice for bisexual and pansexual weddings (and the author identifies as bisexual!), asexual weddings, transgender weddings, and nonbinary/genderqueer weddings. There's even a short but sweet section on polyamorous commitment ceremonies, both for groups of more than two people who are "getting weddinged" and for polyamorous couples who may not be out to all their guests but still want to find subtle ways to include their other partners. I also really liked that the author acknowledges the struggles and hardships faced by queer couples (and throuples and more) and the importance of celebrating queer community, resilience, and chosen-family.

I really appreciate the warning about the pitfalls of wedding planning apps, magazines, and social media. The author warns readers about the risk of having so much inspiration you fall into the hole of choice paralysis or keep redoing things you already finished. She also warns about the temptation to compare your wedding to someone else's. I loved this gentle reminder to be mindful in how we engage with the wedding planning industry. Here's a wonderful direct quote: "Remember, the wedding tech is here to serve you. You are not here to serve it."

There's an entire chapter on disabilities and accessibility! I really appreciated this inclusion, and I found the advice genuinely helpful as I plan a wedding that accommodates my own chronic illnesses, my fiance's and my ADHD, several guests with mobility issues, and other guests with various other health conditions and invisible disabilities.

I loved the chapter on self-care and navigating wedding planning anxiety. Planning any big event, but especially one as legally, ideologically, and culturally loaded as a wedding, is really stressful, even if you're doing a small celebration with just close friends and family. I appreciated the acknowledgement that feeling stressed or anxious is both normal and common, and I loved that the author talked about the ways this stress can affect your physical body as well.

Overall, this is a really great book with excellent advice, and it really does cover every single aspect of wedding planning.

Cons

It's actually really hard for me to think of stuff I dislike about this book, if I'm being honest. There were a few typos, but nothing atrocious.

This book is written from the bride's perspective. The author includes lots of stories about her own wedding, and she is a woman who married a man, which definitely shaped her experience. Like I mentioned, there's a lot of good advice here for grooms and other-gendered people having weddings, and there's a lot of advice and suggestions for queer weddings. But if it's important to you to read a book about someone's firsthand experience of having a same-gender wedding, or of being a transgender bride/groom, or of navigating the wedding industry when you don't identify with a binary gender, this book isn't that.

Overall rating: 5/5 stars