#wedangst

Closing my eyes I take a moment to consider what she’s saying. I’ve seen what the computer can do. Who’s to say Mulder isn’t out there still? At the end of the day, what are we but impulses? I picture my mother and feel sick, but then I picture my life without Mulder. I wonder when he became my life, when it became so unbearable to live without him. I can’t put my finger on when it happened but it’s too late now. ‘Uploading. Transfer of memory, of consciousness to the distributed system maintained by the AI. Imagine being mingled so completely with another, you no longer need your physical self – you’re one.’ I recall Esther’s words from earlier and feel an irrational prickle of hope. Mulder is still lifeless in my arms and I nearly break at the thought of never being with him again. “We’re running out of time…” Esther says. I nod wordlessly but realize she didn’t see me. “Yes.” I respond dazedly. She doesn’t appear surprised. “Get into that harness.” She points the flashlight to one in the corner and continues to type away. I look down at Mulder and kiss his forehead before laying him on the floor. Numbly, I walk over to the machine and argue with myself every step of the way. Images of my family continue to come to mind but I push them back. Instead, I remember Mulder and that’s what I’m thinking of as I strap myself into the harness and prepare to put the helmet over my eyes. Esther heads over to another harness across from mine. Our eyes meet. “Are you sure?” She asks. “Yes.” I say with no hesitation. We put the helmets over our eyes at the same time. The last thing I hear is her voice commanding the computer to upload. The next sound is that of crashing waves.

“Scully?” The sound of Mulder’s voice makes me shoot up. I hadn’t realized that I was lying down until then and I look around. We’re on a beach that I don’t recognize. I’m amazed that I can smell the sea and feel the breeze on my face. It all seems so real. From the moment I wake up I understand what happened. “Scully where are we?” My eyes finally land on Mulder who is crouched in front of me with a pained expression on his face. He’s dressed in the same suit I saw him in last and I realize I’m still in my same outfit too. I reach forward and smooth out the lines on his face. He feels so real. Under my palm, his skin feels like it always did. He covers my hand with his but his worried expression just gets deeper. Before I make the decision I’m throwing myself into his arms. His arms wrap around me tightly. I begin to shake with sobs but no tears come. Mulder’s hand tangles in my hair. I can feel his breath and feel his heartbeat and it’s too much. “Scully, what’s-“ He asks as he pulls away but I kiss him. I’ve dreamed of it for years and even though I know this isn’t real life, that these aren’t our bodies, and this isn’t reality, it feels so real that I don’t care. My fingers tangle in his hair and I pull him as close as I can. Somehow the landscape changes and the sand under us is replaced by a soft bed, my soft bed. We’re now in my apartment dressed in pajamas. Mulder in his cotton tee shirt and pajama pants, me in my silk matching set. Mulder pulls away frantically. “This is another one of those visions! Get back!” He yells and scoots across the bed, away from me. The crushing pain of his rejection surprises me even though I know he’s just confused.

“Mulder…” I start but have no idea where to go from there. He watches me carefully as I move closer to him again and take his hand. “Mulder we’re dead. Both of us. You died first and Esther helped me upload myself to the computer…” I trail off suddenly embarrassed. “Uploaded to the computer?” He prompts. I sign and lean back, not meeting his eyes. “Esther and David had a plan to upload themselves to the computer so they could be together in a virtual world. They wanted to give up their bodies and be just consciousness. When we found you and David she told me she was going to upload herself. She said that,” I pause to glance at him to gauge his reaction. His face gives away nothing.

“She said that I could be uploaded too. She said your consciousness was stored on the computer too.” I’m amazed that my face feels hot. “You killed yourself?” He says accusingly. I nod because what else is there to say? “Why Scully?” He asks with such pain that I have to look at him. His gaze is so sad and I have to resist the urge to reach for him. “I didn’t think I could do it.” My voice is so soft that I have a hard time hearing it but somehow he does. “Do what?” Now I’m a little bit irritated because he knows very well what I’m talking about. “Live without you.” I practically spit at him and turn away. “Oh Scully…” I feel him moving across the bed to me but still start when his arms wrap around my waist. He kisses the top of my head. “You shouldn’t have done that. Your mother-“ “You don’t think I thought of that!” I say harder than I mean to and feel him startle.

“I only had a couple minutes to make the decision! You were dead Mulder! Right there in front of me dead! Because I didn’t get there in time! So I made a choice.” I felt like I was yelling but a feeling of being trapped was starting to creep up on me. “Hey, hey… It’s alright.” Mulder moved around and took my face in his hands. “I’m not saying I wouldn’t have done the same thing, but Scully, you have so much more to live for.” At this, I push him, “Dammit Mulder! How could you say that? Seeing you dead like that was the worst moment of my life!” Eyes wide he takes a step closer to me and when he knows I’m not going to push him again he pulls me against him. “I’m sorry.” Is all he says as he rubs my back.

All of the pain and shock come up in me and I pull his face back down to mine. I’m terrified and the only thing that can calm me is knowing that I’m with him. We melt into each other and it feels so real that I forget that it’s not. Mulder’s hands touch me in all the right places followed swiftly by his mouth and it’s only a matter of time before I’m coming under his mouth and fingers.

I began to cry right after the orgasm hit because I knew we missed this in our real lives. He slides up and holds me for some time. I notice that there is no clock in my bedroom and there doesn’t seem to be a sense of time. Each moment feels like it’s the same as the last. Mulder is naked and hard against me and it brings me back from my retrieve.

When he’s finally inside me I feel no doubts about my decision and rock back against him. We make love for a long time and don’t get tired and I suppose to him that maybe it won’t be so bad after all. I feel his sadness though. I’m not sure if I’ve been with him for hours or weeks when I ask, “Do you think there is a way to contact people?” His fingers pause in my hair as he ponders this. “I don’t know. I don’t even know how you found me. I mean Esther and David must be out there somewhere….” “No I don’t mean Esther and David, I mean real people. Our families.” Mulder shrugs, “I think the first step would be to find Esther. She’d probably know.” I nod absently and pull closer to him.

At some point Esther finds us. She doesn’t come to us in her own form but rather just as knowledge that she’s there. Evidently, she really doesn’t want anything to do with what it was once like to be human. She tells us that she sent a small message to The Gunmen so she knows that it’s possible. Even though I can’t see any physical representation of her I can tell she’s happier than she ever was in life. I find it strange. While there is a nice dream-like feel to this life I also can’t forget that it’s not real life. I’m able to find my mother’s limited online activity and for a while I just watch. I follow both my brothers’ activities and when I see an email between Bill and my mother referring to a newborn daughter I realize that years have passed.