#we're here!!!!

Creeksbrey Palace | Umbrage, SimDonia | 0 Days until the Wedding!

Guess what? The Bahamas? A great place to fall in love. Also, a great place to get some tourist promotional consideration, of course! Great job, Bahamian Tourism Bureau.

Becca’s ready to get her dates started because really, next week is hometowns, and then she’s ready to get down with the fuckings. She sits down with the actual reason that No Man’s Land exists, Chris Harrison, to discuss her hopes and dreams going forward in the Bahamas. She just wants to relax and have some romance. Becca’s convinced this is all working for her, and she’s falling for a couple guys there.

What I don’t understand is why she’s wearing a cool-toned smoky-eye at what can only be 10:00 AM. Honestly, their makeup artist is the devil. Her outfit - a black tank top and a sarong - does not warrant a grey smoky eye. At least she’s not wearing the hyper-aggressive lashes for once.

Becca’s nervous this week because she knows what a big deal it is to meet someone’s family, so the guys she picks this week are The Real Deal. Back with the guys, Colton’s talking about how he hasn’t really brought anyone home to meet his family, and this is a huge deal. My Boyfriend Wills feels the pressure in his cheetah print shirt. He looks so fly. I love him so much. Come home, sweetie.

Becca comes in one of those dresses you get at Marshalls that you put your legs in and discover it’s a romper and you’re massively disappointed and wanting to sue whoever came up with this concept, but it’s pink and his pirate sleeves. Honestly, I wish they would set the makeup artist and the stylist for this show up on a two-on-one and abandon them both in Death Valley. She reveals this week has no rose ceremony - just three one-on-one dates and a group date, and two of them are dolphinately getting the kaput.1

And they’re starting right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Colton gets the first one-on-one, and all the guys are palatably pissed. Everyone thought it was going to be alumni of NYU Tisch School of the Arts, Miles Teller/Blake, no one expected Colton to be the one with the one-on-one today. Oh, and this is when we find out that Colton’s a virgin, and he’s the one who has the most hidden away from Becca. All the guys are debating whether or not he’s going to reveal it to her, but they don’t think Becca’s going to want to take on the huge impact of him being a virgin.

Becca wants to fuck the shit out of him regardless, though. She’s dickmatized by him. Becca wants to climb Colton like a tree. She feels so strongly with Colton and has chemistry with him and if he wanted, he could have his way with her. Again: She wants to bone him. Why, when he literally should be cast as the live-action Crimson Chin from Fairly OddParents. We see them do an unironic “I’m the king of the world” from Titanic and make out on a catamaran. Literally, we don’t see them talk, we just see them making out. What a deep relationship, this is James Joyceian right here.

Colton tells Becca he doesn’t have the “most experience” when it comes to dating, and then they’re interrupted by a man with dreadlocks on a bright yellow paddleboat comes to board the boat and tell them they’re going to get some conch. Cue conch jokes, and how the “pistol” of the conch is Bahamian Viagra, apparently. They go and catch some conch, and Colton is horrified. I bet Colton doesn’t eat seafood. He seems like that kind of monster.

Becca and Colton go to not eat dinner and she’s far more dressed up than he is2, and Becca’s like, “oh, Colton has a rose, he’d have to literally murder a baby in front of me to not get a rose tonight.” Then Colton lifts up a dead baby and smiles at her but you would never know because he’s always fucking smiling - I mean, he tells Becca that he’s rather inexperienced in dating because he’s a Sports Guy who does Sports and didn’t have time to get to banging. He’s a virgin because he was too busy doing sports.

Becca’s glad Colton told her, of course, but it is a little unnerving. She gets up from the table, and anyone who knows anything about editing knows this is just some producer garbage to imply that she isn’t really okay with it. I’m not analyzing that any deeper than that, sorry. But Colton’s concerned because he doesn’t know what’s going through her brain. Back at the hotel, Blake and Garrett are essentially making the point that at this point, yeah, it could be a dealbreaker. This show results in someone getting engaged at the end, and the Fanty Sweetz are a big part of the deciding factor. Physical chemistry is important in a romantic relationship and really can make or break a couple’s compatibility3.

We find that Colton, a twenty-six-year-old virgin, made up stories in the locker room about who he was in order to protect himself from scrutiny, and he plays this like it’s some eternal struggle. It’s not a marriage thing for him, really - at this point, he just wants to find someone’s in love with. Well, at least there’s that for Becca.

Colton gets a rose. Barf.

Back at the hotel,

THERE’S A DATE CAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s for Garrett, and Blake’s CRUSHED. It’s fine, Blake, you’re Mister Fantastic!

Colton comes back to a room with literally no air in it, and he’s thrilled but no one else is for him. Meanwhile, Blake is entirely in his head, having a meltdown. He needs to have a one-on-one or else he’s going to freak out.

Garrett and Becca meet, and her dress is too short for a shirt-dress. And that’s coming from me, so that’s saying a lot. They’re going island hopping by seaplane, and of course, the plane takes them across the hotel balcony to salt the wounds of Andrew Keegan and Miles Teller.

The two of them galavant along the beach and Becca feels like it’s just the two of them on earth. Okay, this man is going to win. She just seems to enjoy her time with him and we see some natural actions out of her, which is interesting because this entire season she’s done a great job of being aware of the cameras. She commends him for not getting discouraged or for ever being down in the dumps during his time there, and he says he’s serious about the entire endeavor but he’s trying to stay positive.

Back at the hotel, BLAKE IS STILL FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!4 If he doesn’t get a one-on-one this week, he’s going to jump from a bridge.

Well good, because IT’S HIS DAAAAAAATEEEEEE CAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At dinner with Garrett and Becca, the stylist who should have been left in Death Valley put Becca in the strangest one-shoulder-shoulderless white gown. Becca would be the first girl to come home to Garrett’s family since his ex-wife, so that’s a major deal. Becca asks why he wanted to settle down so quickly, and the basic gist is that he found the first girl he could be serious with straight out of college, hoped and prayed that the red flags he saw would change colors, and when they didn’t, he tried to change himself to fit the situation rather than give up.

The discussion turns to their engagements - his successful, hers a failure - and that they both have a lot to work on, but Garrett’s more willing to call out potential red flags than he was before. He’s falling in love with Becca, and Becca is teary-eyed, she’s so happy.

Garrett is going to win this show, and he gets a rose.

Garrett loves Becca because she’s “bubbly, giggly, and cute”, which… isn’t the foundation of a relationship, but what do I know? I’m single. They go for a night swim on the beach and make out in the ocean.

The next day, Blake is a ball of anxiety. He literally cannot get out of his head the idea that Becca might have a deeper relationship with one of the other guys over him, and he needs the day to prove to her how he’s feeling. Considering his first one-on-one was the first week of this show, I totally understand his anxiousness. But also, getting a one-on-one this week? Blake, you’re fine. Just tell her you want to fuck her a lot.

THEN WE HEAR WHO LET THE DOGS OUT????????????

IN 2018??????????????????????

We’re at a beach party with the Baha Men??????????????????????

Becca is wearing cargo pants? Everything is awful. Also, this is when we learn that Blake is a great dancer and I… have a crush on Blake. Oh no. OH NO. I do not LIKE THIS. This is a sign of how dire my romantic prospects are, falling for a guy on a reality show who dances well to the Baha Men is now my standard.

They go and sit on the beach, and this is when I know Becca’s super into Blake because she actually apologizes for the grief he’s gone through over the last few days. Blake’s friends with Channing Tatum, I don’t get it. Blake admits that he’s been questioning how Becca feels about him simply because of the lack of one-on-one time with her, and Becca tells him that she now understands how Arie fell for multiple people when he was the lead5. It doesn’t help Blake at all. He’s literally crestfallen at the idea that she could have feelings for multiple men. Meanwhile, Becca admits her feelings for Blake are the strongest but she also felt the need to be honest with him because she also has feelings for other people.

At the hotel, there’s a

DAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTEEEEEEEE CCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!

My Boyfriend Wills, Leo, and Jason are all hoping that Blake somehow fucks it up today and gets sent home so they have a higher chance of making it to hometowns.

At the dinner they’re not going to eat with Blake and Becca, Becca’s wearing a gorgeous navy gown and I am living. Finally. FINALLY. Why didn’t we do this before?! Oh, and this is when we find out Blake’s messy, Ryan Murphy-scripted life. The reason why he’s kind of closed off because his family was very private and brushed things under the rug. Oh, and his mom cheated on his dad with his high school English teacher and basketball coach.

What in the Jason Katims realness?!

Blake’s family was the talk of the town, even finding out that his mom moved out not from his parents, but from the community.

As someone also from a very private, sweeping things under the rug family, I’M NOT CRYING. I mean, don’t go yelling my business up and down these streets, but Blake talking about wanting a family that communicates and isn’t private is at least a realistic goal. Blake is more open and communicative with her than he has been with anyone else, and Becca finds that communication to be attractive. I agree, Becca. Dudes talking about their feelings? Yas, honey. Blake takes the time to tell Becca that yes, he is in love with her, and Becca is Over The Moon.

Blake gets the rose, and they make out, and as much as I know Garrett is going to win, oh man.

Is Blake going to win?

Blake and Becca are on the same page, and Becca can’t tell him that she’s in love with him just yet. Ooh, girl. The DRAMA.

And it’s time for the three-on-one. Leo, My Boyfriend Wills, and Andrew Keegan are going on this season’s volleyball date because this show has a budget of $7. We hear Becca gush over all three of the individual guys and honestly, going in, it really does seem like Becca likes My Boyfriend Wills the most. My Boyfriend Wills and Becca take a moment, and Wills admits the reason he’s been so anxious that week is simply because of how much he wants Becca to meet his parents, who have been married almost 50 years. How the hell old is My Boyfriend Wills? Becca talks about how similar Wills and Becca are purely in their foundations. This has been the longest My Boyfriend Wills has gone without seeing his parents, and I swoon.

Also, his floral print shirt? FLY. He IS SO FLY!!!!!!!!!!

Andrew Keegan takes a great approach - he talks about their similarities, and he’s fighting for what Could Be In The Future as a motivator. He’s so ready for what they’re going to be.

Meanwhile, Leo says my favorite thing of the season - “A lot of these guys can give her a big house, a great lifestyle. I can give her love.” I hate stupid shit like that but I also swoon so hard over stupid shit like that. Leo knows his relationship with Becca isn’t the same as the others and asks her if they're in the same place as she is with the others by virtue of time. He says he might need more time to get on one knee and ask her to marry him, and he’s going to need a hometown date to be sure, and while yes, in the real world, that makes sense, it’s a red flag here. Becca doesn’t have the time to hope and pray that hometown dates propel their relationship forward.

She doesn’t think it’s fair to go home with Leo to his family, and Leo’s being abandoned on the beach forever. He’s even so sweet as to wave as the guys drive away by boat and he’s alone on the beach.

See ya in Paradise, Leo.

Becca comes to the dinner no one is going to eat with Andrew Keegan and My Boyfriend Wills wearing a PINK BODYCON DRESS AND SHE LOOKS AMAZING. Finally, they’re not shoving her in sequins. This is what she should be wearing, JESUS. Becca thanks the guys for being so honest and good with her throughout the day and they’re moving forward. Her first personal time is with Andrew Keegan, to ask if he has any reservations about her coming home with him. Becca’s nervous because Jason’s been closed off and the other guys have been more open about how they feel towards her.

Read: Tell Her You Love Her, Dumbass.

Jason doesn’t, but he wants her to know he’s going to be vulnerable and truthful and honest and he just wants to give her the real answers she needs in due time.

My Boyfriend Wills is wearing another patterned shirt and makes out with Becca for a while. Wills tells Becca that she makes him believe in love, and a future, and a family, and hope, and kindness, and happiness, and all the adjectives you want to feel when you’re in love. Becca makes him want to be a great man, and every day he’s falling more and more in love with her. He doesn’t have a doubt in his mind that he loves Becca, and has a feeling she might love him too. This is why My Boyfriend Wills is My Boyfriend Wills, y’all.

The two men are forced to stare each other down over the last rose at the after-after-after-after-after-after-after-after party, and Becca admits this is the hardest role she’s had to give all season. She takes hometowns seriously and knows what a major decision this is, which is why Andrew Keegan is the one winning out in the end.

My Boyfriend Wills looks fucking crushed. Like, head to his chest, George Michael Bluth depressed.

Becca Walks Him Out and tells him that she just wasn’t where he was romantically. She’s so sorry, but she didn’t want to bring his family into the whole gig. She thanks him for everything, and I hate how sad she seems to be because I’m sad and My Boyfriend Wills is sad. His limo exit is tragic - he wasn’t ready to go home, he liked being there, he thought they were on the same page. He’s sad he’s not Becca’s person like he hoped he could be. He’s sobbing and asks to get out of the limo so he can have a moment to stand by the side of the road and cry.

Damn. Who would have thought The Bachelorette would come at us like this?

Next Week: Hometown week! Meeting potential in-laws! Family is important to Becca, and Colton’s probably going to be a hot dad. Jason’s mom doesn't think Becca’s that Into Him. Both of Blake’s parents are nervous. Garrett’s parents are skeptical and someone’s sibling doesn’t want Becca to pick him just to spare him the heartbreak. And then - a group girl time turns into Tia talking to Becca, and she’s sick to her stomach about something. Probably the fact that she’s still NOT the Bachelorette.

See you next week!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Somehow this has simultaneously been the longest season and the shortest season ever, right?

If Colton is The Bachelor I will KILL myself.

Give Jordan the stylist job, he’d be so good at it.

I hope Garrett and Becca banged in the ocean like Ben and Courtney.

Again, I do commend Becca for giving the top 6 each a one-on-one before giving anyone else their second one-on-one. Fairness is good.

I am so jealous of Becca’s ribcage.

I’m going to miss Leo’s hairography this season.

Becca loooooves making out in a guy’s arms. I don’t think he knows a single thing about any of these men.

I literally look so good in My Boyfriend Wills’s clothes, y’all.

Leo is a given, right? He's the guy who lucked into the top 6. ↩︎

Is there stock in sequin dresses I can buy? Like, do I need to make an investment in sequins because Becca is literally only dressed in sequin gowns or The Worst of Anthropologie. ↩︎

Do I think I could be in a relationship with someone who was a virgin? I don’t know. I mean, on one hand, you get to start with a blank slate and mold that person into your sexual ideal, but also, there are a lot of things to keep in mind when it comes to that kind of thing… primarily, consent. It’s kind of a bizarre power dynamic, right? I don’t think I could do it. One’s sexual identity is key to who they are, and I don’t know if I necessarily could be attracted to someone who didn’t know theirs. I’m an asshole. ↩︎

I loved Blake being like, “She knows what I’m going through right now,” and I understand he means in the Bachelor Experience, but I dolphinately was hoping the producers were just making Becca watch b-roll of Blake freaking out. ↩︎