romance vs. reality.

I can’t believe we’re back here again.

By “back here”, I mean literally sitting in my bed, drinking an enormous iced coffee, and wondering where we all went wrong in life. And by “back here”, I mean Fuck Island: The Battle For Social Humiliation. Hi, I’m Amanda, the lead blogger and the laziest person on the face of the earth, back again, two weeks late, recapping the fifth season of Bachelor in Paradise, the actual worst show on television.

Up until last year, I firmly fell into the opposite camp - I thought Bachelor in Paradise deserved a god damn Peabody Award for The Audacity Of Being On Television. But after the Corinne and Demario crash-and-burn-and-pay-them-to-keep-quiet1 of 2017, the show kind of left a gross taste in my mouth. And following the Defense Against Criticism of Racist and Sexist Behavior, or the most recent season of The Bachelorette, I’m losing hope in humanity. It wasn’t fun to talk about anymore, it just made me angry.

I still hate these people, but now I want to slam my keyboard again and remind them what the fuck is up. So welcome back to Fuck Island, Y'all!

The episode opens with reminding us of Jade And Tanner, The Golden Couple Who Got Engaged Two Years Ago In Paradise And Married On TV Early Last Year and Then Had A Baby, Remember Them? as well as the new Paradise SuperCouple, Evan And Carly, The Golden Couple Who Got Engaged Last Year In Paradise And Married On TV Last Year and Then Had A Baby Too, Remember Them? They’re determined to make us forget Marcus and Lacy, too, because their marriage was a sham and apparently Lacy straight up ghosted Marcus, but also, that story is still hilarious.

Oh, Marcus. Marcus should come back on Paradise and get his Nick Viall edit.

So let’s go over the opening credits, shall we?

They’re still using the poor cover of “Almost Paradise” because someone on this series refuses to buy the real version -this show has a budget of $100. We get shots of the guys in the water, people on speedboats, people making out, all the girls running in their bathing suits… and first up is Jordan, laying on his side like a washed-up beach whale struggling to breathe. Kendall is looking at what is her best option for a romantic partner, the skull of a bull. I don’t know who Angela is. Eric dances like he’s your favorite cousin at your great aunt’s 88th birthday party. Chris is not even worth acknowledging because he’s awful and I wish the wave that washed over him drowned him. They put Tia in a red, white, and blue bathing suit because she thinks she’s America’s sweetheart. These people could write a book on subtlety. Krystal throws... glitter? Kevin leans into that “sexy firefighter” thing, an occupation I have never found to be sexually appealing. Can someone in the comments explain why there are “sexy firefighters” and not like, “sexy restaurant managers”? Bibiana has a new haircut and drops a mic because we love unexplained jokes that only make sense later on in the episode when we see the source. MY BOYFRIEND WILLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Astrid holds up some melons and I love her bathing suit so I will refrain from calling her Astird for now. Grocery Store Joe can straight up get it. Nysha looks like my friend Rae’s sister and clearly is too good for this show. David’s clearly recovered from his Bachelorette season injury but he just looks untrustworthy. Annaliese, who no one remembers, is freaking out about a bird? KENNY who we don’t deserve does an amazing backflip and Chelsea holds a glass. Nick, who I am strangely attracted to, particularly in that track suit because he reminds me of Jeremy Renner is a weird melted down kind of way, shows us what’s under that track suit and damn. DAAAAAMN, Waxy Jeremy Renner. And then finally, Venmo John counts his pesos and god, I love him.

Oh, and my Ex-Boyfriend Wills and Mortal Enemy, Chris Harrison are in Sayulita, too. Mexico, I am so sorry.

Chris Harrison pretends like he’s setting up the island area where these contestants are going to be hanging out. Chris Harrison doesn’t know how to hold a rake, let alone operate one, and why is he raking sand?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?! I am most uncomfortable with seeing Chris Harrison barefoot. That feels far too intimate from a man I despise. Anyway, they’re going to remind us of who these people are.

First up is Kendall, the Not Like the Other Girls Girl from Arby’s season. Kendall is different! She likes dead stuff and the most annoying instrument[^2] and loves posing on the beach in a bikini. Next is Kenny, who’s still hurting from his breakup with Rachel. We get to see McKenzie, his 11-year-old daughter, and I’m FULL OF EMOTIONS. Kevin Is Canadian and immediately reveals that Ashley I cheated on him with Jared. I love that. Throw that shade, Canadian Kevin. Krystal is also back, and she wants the world to know that she’s a good cook, including able to frost an angel food cake. Chris is back and he’s totally trying to Josh Murray himself and redeem his image from Becca’s season. Oh, Chris. You’re on the wrong show for that. He calls himself The Goose, and I already know that’s the “do the damn thing” of this season.

[^2] I will fight anyone on the ukelele being an annoying instrument. I get it, it’s cultural, but it’s unfortunately been appropriated by a certain sect of people and I’m annoyed by THAT mostly. Why can’t they just play the banjo? Or the trombone?

Speaking of birds, David the Chicken who doesn’t like avocados is back with his long-ass eyebrows. He lives at home in Boca Raton with his mom, because David is a catch. Unfortunately, he can’t marry his mom, but he’s coming to paradise to come after Jordan. Jordan’s got a full arsenal of looks to wear and roasting of Chicken David to do in Paradise. Annaliese is remembered for her bumper car trauma and fear of dogs and pretty much everything. She’s afraid of redheads, sand, sombreros, birds, large bodies of water, so... an island in Mexico is perfect for her. My Queen Bibiana is there for her third Bachelor series in six months and she’s just ready for all bikinis and hoping her ass slaughters al the men. Me too, Bibi. I love you. My Boyfriend Wills also shows us his sartorial choices of the season, and he’s ready to loosen up. Have his eyes always been that green? God. He’s like Smoky Robinson.

Ugh, Tia. Tia gets the longest of the opening montages because they want to torture us all. The only thing I like about Tia is that fact that TIa is thirsty as hell and not afraid to show her disappointment. Openly sad about Becca as The Bachelorette. Coming in twice to piss on Colton’s leg on The Bachelorette. Saying “I’m only here for Colton.” Tia is obvious about what it is she wants and we hate her for it. Because she’s thirsty.

Alright, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, welcome to Fuck Island, where the people are heading in. The first in is Tia, who is like MY JOURNEY MY JOURNEY MY JOURNEY!!!! This is her chance to pretend she’s The Bachelorette. She’s the first person to arrive and her new fake boobs are on display. She’s like, “the person who comes down the stairs could be my partner,” and the next person is Eric, who looks like a mascot. Kendall arrives “open to love” because Kendall isn’t like the other girls.

Next down is Jordan, clearly long enough for the three of them to get drinks. Jordan’s happy to be in a place as beautiful as he is. Tia makes mention of Jordan’s villain edit on his season and Jordan’s like, “sometimes it’s best to know someone before judging them.” Bibi comes down and makes a joke to Chris Harrison about the bumpy road to Paradise and how much her uterus hurts. It’s not a great joke. Is it a joke? Yes. Bibiana arrives as a flamboyant ball of fire and I love her. Jordan and Bibi have something, but Bibi is waiting for the real sign of a good guy. It's never coming, Bibi. Men are trash.

God, Grocery Store Joe, my mumble-mouthed handsome Chicago man, arrives ready to fall in love and doesn’t want to get home straight away again. That’s his main goal. Next is in My Boyfriend Wills, who immediately comes face to face with My Ex-Boyfriend Wells, who managed to maintain his job as bartender despite not knowing how to bartend. How White Man of him. No wonder we broke up. Chelsea comes in, looking pretty much just like Krystal, and all the guys jump on her. Chelsea is a hot mom. Kendall and GroStoJoe talk about picnics, and Joe’s like, “I’m not a picnic kind of person,” while Kendall is like “I like to have picnics in graveyards.” Kendall asks if Joe has ever seen a dead person, and it’s all... yeah. Stop it, Kendall.

Chris, my worst nightmare, shows up in some salmon pink shorts and I’m gagging. All the contestants are waiting to see who’s arriving next, and they all hope it’s not Krystal. Particularly Tia and Bibiana, who both say she’s a bad person. Krystal arrives and the dramatic music starts. Welcome to paradise, Y'all. Krystal talks about the stress of The Bachelor on her, but she can recognize that Chris shares part of her name. Tia is literally like “I’m happy she’s here, but I want to kill her.” Krystal has some bass in her voice and is speaking like a normal person, not with that weird lilt to her she was pulling off all Arby’s season. Kendall’s worried someone’s going to be interested in both her and Krystal and so of course, Joe goes after Krystal first.

Canadian Kevin, Waxy Jeremy Renner, and Venmo John all arrive. Of course, Kendall is about John because “I’m a sucker for nerds.” Kendall really isn’t like the other girls. Nysha, one of the girls from Arby’s season who we barely knew arrives, and so does Angela, whoever the hell Angela is. Who is Angela? Angela is gorgeous but man, I have no idea who she is. Our Favorite Dad Kenny arrives and McKenzie refuses to let him come back if he doesn’t have someone. I love this show. Kenny is talking to Nysha, but Astird walks in and I already know I’m going to get her and Angela confused.

Tia keeps looking over everyone’s shoulders in hopes that Colton is coming down the stairs. She thinks she’s being slick about it, but everyone notices and it’s hilarious. Annaliese comes down in her Romwe romper and Jordan immediately tells her he’s interested, attracted, and he’s known for being arrogant form his season. David arrives and Jordan immediately freezes up. Someone calls out “Jordan, David’s here!” and they’re expecting drama to go down between them. It doesn’t, Jordan and David have a handshake and David walks away. It’s just awkward. Tia’s bummed that David’s the last entry and Colton, in fact, will not be arriving that day. Everyone’s like “MOVE ON TIA” and Tia’s conflicted on what she wants out of Colton, it seems.

Chris Harrison comes in and tells them the rules - there are more women than men this week, and the guys aren’t safe this week. They need to pair up ASAP or else they won’t get the chance to be the next Jade And Tanner, The Golden Couple Who Got Engaged Two Years Ago In Paradise And Married On TV Early Last Year and Then Had A Baby, Remember Them? or Evan And Carly, The Golden Couple Who Got Engaged Last Year In Paradise And Married On TV Last Year and Then Had A Baby Too, Remember Them?

The girls are ecstatic that they have control, except Tia. Tia’s mad she’s going to have to talk to someone other than Colton, even though she’s safe that week. God, I hate her. Joe and Tia sit down and Joe’s getting his flirt on and getting his camera time. He’s making up for lost time, apparently. Colton immediately comes up and you can tell Joe barely remembers Colton. But Tia talks about how she had a “relationship” with Colton before his time on Becca’s season of La Bachelorette and they haven’t spoken since. Joe would want to give his date card to Tia, but he can tell Tia’s not over Colton.

Colton, Colton, Colton.

Tia, the only person who didn’t want a date card, gets a date card. The producers want to torture her. She actually yells “NO!!!” when her name is on the card, and I agree with Bibiana - she needs to be open to her options and she’s super upset at the idea. She literally said “I came here o find something serious and lasting with Colton,” a guy she went on two dates with once a few months ago. This is such alarming behavior. Everyone’s upset by Tia but they’re all pretending it’s okay.

Tia really confirms her trash taste by choosing Chris for her date card.

Joe’s like, “I’m disappointed,” but everyone is like “dude, bullet dodged.” Krystal is thrilled Joe wasn’t picked by Joe until Joe takes Kendall aside for some private time. Kendall and Joe are cute and talk about storms and they like each other and make out on one of the day beds. Kendall’s mom warned her about making out on one of the day beds, and here we are day one!!!!! Krystal, meanwhile, is just baffled by the entire idea of Joe and Kendall. Joe isn’t the guy for her, it’s confirmed.

So it’s nighttime, and we have a few connections already made - Joe and Kendall, Annaliese and Venmo John, and David thinks Angela is in his league2. But that’s it - a few people have been left behind and ignored, and we see a great awkward conversation between Nysha and Jordan. In the wake of Joe and Kendall hooking up, Krystal’s interested in Kevin, who isn’t nearly as hot everyone wants us to think. He looks like a rough draft of a person. They both talk about how hot the other is and they make out on another of the day beds. Gross3.

Chelsea, one of the most beautiful women this franchise has ever had, is on the couch with Wax Jeremy Renner, and he’s way into her. He doesn’t care that she’s a mom, he’s super into that and thinks he’d make a great role model. He’s super attracted to Chelsea, too and continues to be like “man, I would make out with you if you wanted to,” but she starts feeling sick. Chelsea is my queen. The other contestants talk about Tia and Chris’s date and how it’s unfair because Tia has unfinished business with a guy who’s not even there. Astird is correct in saying Tia probably should have given her date card away rather than go out with someone she was only interested in until someone else comes in.

As if Tia would ever give up the chance to be on camera.

Tia and Chris sit down to dinner that they’re not really going to eat, and Chris is shocked he’s even out with Tia. Tia brings up Colton first, and basically says “I’m here because I want to be here with you.” Chris is thrilled and is in Paradise to hang out with people he wouldn’t necessarily hang around. They both want to leave Paradise with a real relationship. They continue to cut back to the villa, where My Boyfriend Wills and Astird both think that Chris and Tia will have a fun date, even if it is a platonic one. But it doesn’t matter, because they both make out while fireworks go off!

Tia’s like “Colton Who?” Which is such a mature response and a clear indicator of where her mind is?

The next morning, Tia and Chris are all lovey-dovey and kissing, and everyone’s excited for them, which is why Colton’s arriving now. Production needs to take a class in subtlety because they even add the “thunder crashing” and “ominous clouds” videos, even though it’s gorgeous when Chris Harrison talks to Colton, who you know not to trust because he is permanently smiling. Colton tells Chris Harrison he’s not there just for Tia, but his world is open. He has a date card (barf). Colton arrives and immediately Chris is set off course and Tia is smiling like the Cheshire fucking cat. She can’t even pretend not to be over the moon. She fully expects Colton’s date card to go to her an- Colton takes Kendall aside first. Everyone’s like “him not grabbing Tia is a signal.” Kendall tells Tia and gets the deets, and everyone thinks it’s awkward to not grab Tia first. Chris, meanwhile, is spiraling, and he’s terrified Tia is going to go out with Colton.

I mean, Tia’s going to go out with Colton. That was written in First Corinthians. Poor Angela, though. I mean that in the “it hurts now but you dodged a bullet” way.

Chelsea, Nysha, and Angela are all hoping that this date will at least come out with some solid “yes-or-no” on the Tia and Colton situation. Jordan says this is Chris’s Vietnam. It’s a weak metaphor. Astrid and Wax Jeremy Renner HATE Colton. Wax Jeremy Renner calls Colton a “fame chaser”, and Astird thinks that Colton just likes having Tia on the back burner in case something else doesn’t turn out. Fuck Colton.

Tia and Colton talk about their first date from six months ago, where they basically spent a weekend together. Like, two dates. That’s it. Tia’s hoping they can recreate that weekend in Paradise, but this is an extra AF reaction for TWO dates. Chelsea also hates Colton, because he can’t figure it out - is he there to date Tia and fuck the “I’m open to everyone here” idea, or is be big enough of a dick to date other girls in front of Tia? Either way, he looks like a dick. Colton brings up what Tia did to make Becca send Colton home, and Colton is still pissed. Like, he’s trying to pretend like he’s not, but he’s still super mad because apparently he was in love with Becca and Tia got in the way of that.3 Tia is sorry if he feels like he missed out, but she didn’t want to miss out on her opportunity to get a chance to be with him. Colton doesn’t know what’s there or what could be there with Tia, but he mostly just wants to be on television. Tia wants to know if he feels like there’s something possible between them because she can’t get him out of her head. Colton gives the most nothingburger answer, like “I don’t know, I want to be fair to everyone, I’m not closing the door on this, I’m here to figure out my stuff and be on tv and hopefully become The Bachelor.” Tia doesn’t take this as “Okay, let’s both play the field” like Colton probably intended it to, she just thinks that’ll make him try harder. They go out on a speedboat and then they have a make-out session.

Tia talks on and on about her feelings for Colton, and we never once hear from him. I know that’s on purpose. What Colton is doing is dangerous, and really shouldn’t happen. Just tell someone you’re not interested. That’s it. Back at the villa, Jordan, Chris, and Wax Jeremy Renner are plotting to confront Colton. They all know he’s there to be on television and he isn’t interested in Tia. Kendall and Joe can’t be bothered and don’t understand why they’re bothered, either. The guys are white knighting Tia and they’re hoping they’re going to get to confront him. The two of them have a scarlet letter on them, and they both need to come to terms with it because they’re killing the vibe in paradise.

To be continued...

Next Time: The greatest summer in Bachelor History! Everyone is making out with everyone! Krystal is in love! Hot people on the beach! YUUUKIIIIIIIIIIII1!! Ugh, Leo vs. Joe? Clearly, I’m on one side over the other. Jenna ignites the feud between Jordan and David. Ugh, gross, that gross guy Kamil. Oh my god, Shushanna is back?! Shushanna “Shut up 5s, a 10 is speaking” Russian girl has been accused of being a witch, so I already am on her team. Colton tears. Eye roll. Tia tears. I don’t care. Ben Higgins yells about being unlovable, and gross, Arby is there. ROBB(IE???) WHY???? All of the Bachelor and Paradise alums we don’t care about! Tears!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Okay, this is the best collective group of Paradise alums we’ve had since the first one. Fight me. It’s a bunch of nothing contestants plus a few notable ones.

I love Bibiana and I love Chelsea and I love Astrid. They all else can go in the garbage.

I don’t know if I can handle six weeks of Colton talk and sociopath smiles.

... I really hate those braids on My Boyfriend Wills. Sorry, Wills.

I’m already adorning my tin foil hat here, but Y'all can’t tell me Corinne and Demario didn’t accept a hefty settlement in exchange for The Powers That Be to do whatever they want. ↩︎

David really is a permanent wingman and that is not a compliment. ↩︎

Guess what? The Bahamas? A great place to fall in love. Also, a great place to get some tourist promotional consideration, of course! Great job, Bahamian Tourism Bureau.

Becca’s ready to get her dates started because really, next week is hometowns, and then she’s ready to get down with the fuckings. She sits down with the actual reason that No Man’s Land exists, Chris Harrison, to discuss her hopes and dreams going forward in the Bahamas. She just wants to relax and have some romance. Becca’s convinced this is all working for her, and she’s falling for a couple guys there.

What I don’t understand is why she’s wearing a cool-toned smoky-eye at what can only be 10:00 AM. Honestly, their makeup artist is the devil. Her outfit - a black tank top and a sarong - does not warrant a grey smoky eye. At least she’s not wearing the hyper-aggressive lashes for once.

Becca’s nervous this week because she knows what a big deal it is to meet someone’s family, so the guys she picks this week are The Real Deal. Back with the guys, Colton’s talking about how he hasn’t really brought anyone home to meet his family, and this is a huge deal. My Boyfriend Wills feels the pressure in his cheetah print shirt. He looks so fly. I love him so much. Come home, sweetie.

Becca comes in one of those dresses you get at Marshalls that you put your legs in and discover it’s a romper and you’re massively disappointed and wanting to sue whoever came up with this concept, but it’s pink and his pirate sleeves. Honestly, I wish they would set the makeup artist and the stylist for this show up on a two-on-one and abandon them both in Death Valley. She reveals this week has no rose ceremony - just three one-on-one dates and a group date, and two of them are dolphinately getting the kaput.1

And they’re starting right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Colton gets the first one-on-one, and all the guys are palatably pissed. Everyone thought it was going to be alumni of NYU Tisch School of the Arts, Miles Teller/Blake, no one expected Colton to be the one with the one-on-one today. Oh, and this is when we find out that Colton’s a virgin, and he’s the one who has the most hidden away from Becca. All the guys are debating whether or not he’s going to reveal it to her, but they don’t think Becca’s going to want to take on the huge impact of him being a virgin.

Becca wants to fuck the shit out of him regardless, though. She’s dickmatized by him. Becca wants to climb Colton like a tree. She feels so strongly with Colton and has chemistry with him and if he wanted, he could have his way with her. Again: She wants to bone him. Why, when he literally should be cast as the live-action Crimson Chin from Fairly OddParents. We see them do an unironic “I’m the king of the world” from Titanic and make out on a catamaran. Literally, we don’t see them talk, we just see them making out. What a deep relationship, this is James Joyceian right here.

Colton tells Becca he doesn’t have the “most experience” when it comes to dating, and then they’re interrupted by a man with dreadlocks on a bright yellow paddleboat comes to board the boat and tell them they’re going to get some conch. Cue conch jokes, and how the “pistol” of the conch is Bahamian Viagra, apparently. They go and catch some conch, and Colton is horrified. I bet Colton doesn’t eat seafood. He seems like that kind of monster.

Becca and Colton go to not eat dinner and she’s far more dressed up than he is2, and Becca’s like, “oh, Colton has a rose, he’d have to literally murder a baby in front of me to not get a rose tonight.” Then Colton lifts up a dead baby and smiles at her but you would never know because he’s always fucking smiling - I mean, he tells Becca that he’s rather inexperienced in dating because he’s a Sports Guy who does Sports and didn’t have time to get to banging. He’s a virgin because he was too busy doing sports.

Becca’s glad Colton told her, of course, but it is a little unnerving. She gets up from the table, and anyone who knows anything about editing knows this is just some producer garbage to imply that she isn’t really okay with it. I’m not analyzing that any deeper than that, sorry. But Colton’s concerned because he doesn’t know what’s going through her brain. Back at the hotel, Blake and Garrett are essentially making the point that at this point, yeah, it could be a dealbreaker. This show results in someone getting engaged at the end, and the Fanty Sweetz are a big part of the deciding factor. Physical chemistry is important in a romantic relationship and really can make or break a couple’s compatibility3.

We find that Colton, a twenty-six-year-old virgin, made up stories in the locker room about who he was in order to protect himself from scrutiny, and he plays this like it’s some eternal struggle. It’s not a marriage thing for him, really - at this point, he just wants to find someone’s in love with. Well, at least there’s that for Becca.

Colton gets a rose. Barf.

Back at the hotel,

THERE’S A DATE CAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s for Garrett, and Blake’s CRUSHED. It’s fine, Blake, you’re Mister Fantastic!

Colton comes back to a room with literally no air in it, and he’s thrilled but no one else is for him. Meanwhile, Blake is entirely in his head, having a meltdown. He needs to have a one-on-one or else he’s going to freak out.

Garrett and Becca meet, and her dress is too short for a shirt-dress. And that’s coming from me, so that’s saying a lot. They’re going island hopping by seaplane, and of course, the plane takes them across the hotel balcony to salt the wounds of Andrew Keegan and Miles Teller.

The two of them galavant along the beach and Becca feels like it’s just the two of them on earth. Okay, this man is going to win. She just seems to enjoy her time with him and we see some natural actions out of her, which is interesting because this entire season she’s done a great job of being aware of the cameras. She commends him for not getting discouraged or for ever being down in the dumps during his time there, and he says he’s serious about the entire endeavor but he’s trying to stay positive.

Back at the hotel, BLAKE IS STILL FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!4 If he doesn’t get a one-on-one this week, he’s going to jump from a bridge.

Well good, because IT’S HIS DAAAAAAATEEEEEE CAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At dinner with Garrett and Becca, the stylist who should have been left in Death Valley put Becca in the strangest one-shoulder-shoulderless white gown. Becca would be the first girl to come home to Garrett’s family since his ex-wife, so that’s a major deal. Becca asks why he wanted to settle down so quickly, and the basic gist is that he found the first girl he could be serious with straight out of college, hoped and prayed that the red flags he saw would change colors, and when they didn’t, he tried to change himself to fit the situation rather than give up.

The discussion turns to their engagements - his successful, hers a failure - and that they both have a lot to work on, but Garrett’s more willing to call out potential red flags than he was before. He’s falling in love with Becca, and Becca is teary-eyed, she’s so happy.

Garrett is going to win this show, and he gets a rose.

Garrett loves Becca because she’s “bubbly, giggly, and cute”, which… isn’t the foundation of a relationship, but what do I know? I’m single. They go for a night swim on the beach and make out in the ocean.

The next day, Blake is a ball of anxiety. He literally cannot get out of his head the idea that Becca might have a deeper relationship with one of the other guys over him, and he needs the day to prove to her how he’s feeling. Considering his first one-on-one was the first week of this show, I totally understand his anxiousness. But also, getting a one-on-one this week? Blake, you’re fine. Just tell her you want to fuck her a lot.

THEN WE HEAR WHO LET THE DOGS OUT????????????

IN 2018??????????????????????

We’re at a beach party with the Baha Men??????????????????????

Becca is wearing cargo pants? Everything is awful. Also, this is when we learn that Blake is a great dancer and I… have a crush on Blake. Oh no. OH NO. I do not LIKE THIS. This is a sign of how dire my romantic prospects are, falling for a guy on a reality show who dances well to the Baha Men is now my standard.

They go and sit on the beach, and this is when I know Becca’s super into Blake because she actually apologizes for the grief he’s gone through over the last few days. Blake’s friends with Channing Tatum, I don’t get it. Blake admits that he’s been questioning how Becca feels about him simply because of the lack of one-on-one time with her, and Becca tells him that she now understands how Arie fell for multiple people when he was the lead5. It doesn’t help Blake at all. He’s literally crestfallen at the idea that she could have feelings for multiple men. Meanwhile, Becca admits her feelings for Blake are the strongest but she also felt the need to be honest with him because she also has feelings for other people.

At the hotel, there’s a

DAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTEEEEEEEE CCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!

My Boyfriend Wills, Leo, and Jason are all hoping that Blake somehow fucks it up today and gets sent home so they have a higher chance of making it to hometowns.

At the dinner they’re not going to eat with Blake and Becca, Becca’s wearing a gorgeous navy gown and I am living. Finally. FINALLY. Why didn’t we do this before?! Oh, and this is when we find out Blake’s messy, Ryan Murphy-scripted life. The reason why he’s kind of closed off because his family was very private and brushed things under the rug. Oh, and his mom cheated on his dad with his high school English teacher and basketball coach.

What in the Jason Katims realness?!

Blake’s family was the talk of the town, even finding out that his mom moved out not from his parents, but from the community.

As someone also from a very private, sweeping things under the rug family, I’M NOT CRYING. I mean, don’t go yelling my business up and down these streets, but Blake talking about wanting a family that communicates and isn’t private is at least a realistic goal. Blake is more open and communicative with her than he has been with anyone else, and Becca finds that communication to be attractive. I agree, Becca. Dudes talking about their feelings? Yas, honey. Blake takes the time to tell Becca that yes, he is in love with her, and Becca is Over The Moon.

Blake gets the rose, and they make out, and as much as I know Garrett is going to win, oh man.

Is Blake going to win?

Blake and Becca are on the same page, and Becca can’t tell him that she’s in love with him just yet. Ooh, girl. The DRAMA.

And it’s time for the three-on-one. Leo, My Boyfriend Wills, and Andrew Keegan are going on this season’s volleyball date because this show has a budget of $7. We hear Becca gush over all three of the individual guys and honestly, going in, it really does seem like Becca likes My Boyfriend Wills the most. My Boyfriend Wills and Becca take a moment, and Wills admits the reason he’s been so anxious that week is simply because of how much he wants Becca to meet his parents, who have been married almost 50 years. How the hell old is My Boyfriend Wills? Becca talks about how similar Wills and Becca are purely in their foundations. This has been the longest My Boyfriend Wills has gone without seeing his parents, and I swoon.

Also, his floral print shirt? FLY. He IS SO FLY!!!!!!!!!!

Andrew Keegan takes a great approach - he talks about their similarities, and he’s fighting for what Could Be In The Future as a motivator. He’s so ready for what they’re going to be.

Meanwhile, Leo says my favorite thing of the season - “A lot of these guys can give her a big house, a great lifestyle. I can give her love.” I hate stupid shit like that but I also swoon so hard over stupid shit like that. Leo knows his relationship with Becca isn’t the same as the others and asks her if they're in the same place as she is with the others by virtue of time. He says he might need more time to get on one knee and ask her to marry him, and he’s going to need a hometown date to be sure, and while yes, in the real world, that makes sense, it’s a red flag here. Becca doesn’t have the time to hope and pray that hometown dates propel their relationship forward.

She doesn’t think it’s fair to go home with Leo to his family, and Leo’s being abandoned on the beach forever. He’s even so sweet as to wave as the guys drive away by boat and he’s alone on the beach.

See ya in Paradise, Leo.

Becca comes to the dinner no one is going to eat with Andrew Keegan and My Boyfriend Wills wearing a PINK BODYCON DRESS AND SHE LOOKS AMAZING. Finally, they’re not shoving her in sequins. This is what she should be wearing, JESUS. Becca thanks the guys for being so honest and good with her throughout the day and they’re moving forward. Her first personal time is with Andrew Keegan, to ask if he has any reservations about her coming home with him. Becca’s nervous because Jason’s been closed off and the other guys have been more open about how they feel towards her.

Read: Tell Her You Love Her, Dumbass.

Jason doesn’t, but he wants her to know he’s going to be vulnerable and truthful and honest and he just wants to give her the real answers she needs in due time.

My Boyfriend Wills is wearing another patterned shirt and makes out with Becca for a while. Wills tells Becca that she makes him believe in love, and a future, and a family, and hope, and kindness, and happiness, and all the adjectives you want to feel when you’re in love. Becca makes him want to be a great man, and every day he’s falling more and more in love with her. He doesn’t have a doubt in his mind that he loves Becca, and has a feeling she might love him too. This is why My Boyfriend Wills is My Boyfriend Wills, y’all.

The two men are forced to stare each other down over the last rose at the after-after-after-after-after-after-after-after party, and Becca admits this is the hardest role she’s had to give all season. She takes hometowns seriously and knows what a major decision this is, which is why Andrew Keegan is the one winning out in the end.

My Boyfriend Wills looks fucking crushed. Like, head to his chest, George Michael Bluth depressed.

Becca Walks Him Out and tells him that she just wasn’t where he was romantically. She’s so sorry, but she didn’t want to bring his family into the whole gig. She thanks him for everything, and I hate how sad she seems to be because I’m sad and My Boyfriend Wills is sad. His limo exit is tragic - he wasn’t ready to go home, he liked being there, he thought they were on the same page. He’s sad he’s not Becca’s person like he hoped he could be. He’s sobbing and asks to get out of the limo so he can have a moment to stand by the side of the road and cry.

Damn. Who would have thought The Bachelorette would come at us like this?

Next Week: Hometown week! Meeting potential in-laws! Family is important to Becca, and Colton’s probably going to be a hot dad. Jason’s mom doesn't think Becca’s that Into Him. Both of Blake’s parents are nervous. Garrett’s parents are skeptical and someone’s sibling doesn’t want Becca to pick him just to spare him the heartbreak. And then - a group girl time turns into Tia talking to Becca, and she’s sick to her stomach about something. Probably the fact that she’s still NOT the Bachelorette.

See you next week!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Somehow this has simultaneously been the longest season and the shortest season ever, right?

If Colton is The Bachelor I will KILL myself.

Give Jordan the stylist job, he’d be so good at it.

I hope Garrett and Becca banged in the ocean like Ben and Courtney.

Again, I do commend Becca for giving the top 6 each a one-on-one before giving anyone else their second one-on-one. Fairness is good.

I am so jealous of Becca’s ribcage.

I’m going to miss Leo’s hairography this season.

Becca loooooves making out in a guy’s arms. I don’t think he knows a single thing about any of these men.

I literally look so good in My Boyfriend Wills’s clothes, y’all.

Leo is a given, right? He's the guy who lucked into the top 6. ↩︎

Is there stock in sequin dresses I can buy? Like, do I need to make an investment in sequins because Becca is literally only dressed in sequin gowns or The Worst of Anthropologie. ↩︎

Do I think I could be in a relationship with someone who was a virgin? I don’t know. I mean, on one hand, you get to start with a blank slate and mold that person into your sexual ideal, but also, there are a lot of things to keep in mind when it comes to that kind of thing… primarily, consent. It’s kind of a bizarre power dynamic, right? I don’t think I could do it. One’s sexual identity is key to who they are, and I don’t know if I necessarily could be attracted to someone who didn’t know theirs. I’m an asshole. ↩︎

I loved Blake being like, “She knows what I’m going through right now,” and I understand he means in the Bachelor Experience, but I dolphinately was hoping the producers were just making Becca watch b-roll of Blake freaking out. ↩︎

Why are we in Virginia.

I hope the Virginia Tourism Board is getting a lot out of this, because we’re getting a ton of historical facts and learning that in fact Virginia is for lovers, in case you forgot.

They’re going to say this a billion times, aren’t they?

Chris Harrison emerges from his mimosa cave to sit down with Becca because I guess he has to do something to get paid for. They shoot the shit about how she’s falling for some of the guys and she’s sooooo lucky and she’s looking at bridal magazines and Everything Is Coming Up Becca. Chris Harrison’s scene lasts for ten seconds.

At the hotel, there is a...

DAAAAATE CAAAAAAAARDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And it’s for Jason / Andrew Keegan, and I’m not mad. He’s thrilled. Meanwhile, Frat Fink knows he’s got to use this week to step his pussy up after his tantrum last week. He is under the delusion that Becca wants to be with him alone and thinks he’s going to get a one-on-one this week, which is hilarious. He even wants a two-on-one and all the guys are like, “honestly, use the time you have with her, it doesn’t matter what it was.” Chris is staying “optimistic” and Lincoln is weirdly trying to call his bluff. All the other guys are like, “this is a duuuuumb fight, what are they fighting about?” Even I don’t know why they’re fighting. It’s so weird. It escalates t them trying to fight each other, and Lincoln won’t shut up. Lincoln is a human troll with no sense of boundaries and Chris is an emotional wreck, so they’re a match made in stupid heaven.

Becca and Jason / Andrew Keegan get to go on a trolley ride around Richmond. I like the idea of this date, it’s cute. We go to St. John’s Church and Becca has clearly subscribed to Richmond Facts™ because she knows everything. They make donuts! I can’t even complain.

They go to a gothic party and it looks like my dream wedding. Cups of blood! Crosses! Contortionists! Jason tries to do a split, which I love. I want to go to an Unhappy Hour at the Poe Museum! This is MY dream date! The ideal level of spooky is Edgar Allen Poe.

Okay, Jason seems like he’s a great kisser. I would kiss Jason. He’s grown on me like mold, probably because we never see him.

Becca brings Jason’s friends to meet them, and Jason FLIPS OUT. It was so cute. Becca and Jason talk about their relationship and they literally RAVE about each other. I mean, Jason’s friends clearly really care about him and have the nicest things to say about him.

Back at the hotel, all the other guys are genuinely concerned about Chris because he’s trying to cut down the other men to make him look good and it’s going to backfire.

Jason talks at dinner about why he has a hard time opening up to people, and Becca’s never felt that way from him. He talks about his grandmother having Alzheimer’s and losing her memory and Jason’s dad was heartbroken over her not recognizing him. I’m crying for all of them, and Jason learned not to take anything for granted. Becca talks about losing her dad and taking care of him when he was failing, and how that also taught her that life is short and every relationship you have matters.

I’M NOT CRYING.

Back at the hotel, there’s a...

DAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTEEEEEEEE CCCCCCCAAAAAAARRRRRRRDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Colton, Garrett, Wills, Connor (I think?), Blake, Lincoln, and Chris are going on the group date.

That means Leo, who we’ve barely seen, gets the one-on-one date.

Oh, and Jason gets the rose!

For the group date, the men all show up in suits, and Becca is wearing what I can only describe as a Hillary Clinton Red Jumpsuit. They take all the guys to meet with some historical reenactors and learn about Virginia and American History. Then, it turns out, the guys are going to debate for Becca’s heart! They’re calling it the Beccelection 2018, and it is a terrible idea. The guys stand on the steps of the capital building in front of podiums, and it’s very Official considering it’s a farce.

The Governor, Ralph Northam1, stands up to ask a question. He’s only been Governor since January and I can fully guess he didn’t expect “Debate Question For The Bachelorette” to be part of his job duties, but here we are. Colton gets asked what he would do in the Commonwealth for a date with Becca, and he gives a good answer about going to a dog park. Blake learned from past relationships how to be vulnerable and open. Connor (I think?) says he has a great personality, but we’ve never seen him before. Garrett says women are always right because he’s correct. Wills says some very sweet and kind words to Becca about how he feels when she’s around. Lincoln uses his time to throw shade to Frat Fink saying he wants to go home. Blake gets asked about honesty and transparency from the other guys, and Frat Fink says that’s a “good question”, even though that’s not his question. Blake answers like a god damn pro, and Chris Harrison pits that question to Frat Fink. Frat Fink says he has been nothing but real but can’t say the same for his opponents. There’s tepid applause, and Lincoln steps up to dispute, saying it’s definitely not him Chris could be talking to. Chris begs to differ and says Lincoln has a “different side”2 and that Lincoln is malicious and aggressive, and Becca would be disgusted by Lincoln. Chris even goes as far as to bring up their petty argument from the day before and curses in front of the entire crown in repeating that Lincoln called him a “fat fuck.3”

Becca. Is. Pissed. She immediately looks around like “can someone stop this man?” Frat Fink continues to be like “I was 300 pounds at one time and I’m just trying to stop this mentality”, and Blake steps up and says a ton of that was taken out of context. He won’t let Blake speak, and Blake points out that both Lincoln and Chris said some shitty things to each other. Frat Fink claims he’s defending himself, but it was a BAD LOOK.

All the guys think that Frat Fink took it too far and it was excessive. Frat Fink continues to try to defend himself, and Blake is not having it.

Okay, some of the dudes left aren’t complete trash. Blake, here for you. Jason? Here for YOU. Wills? WILLS CAN GET IT. FOREVER.

At the after-after-after-after-after-after-party, Becca is already pissed. They head to a spooky but cool house, and she’s ready to squash some beefs. Lincoln takes her aside first, and she’s immediately ON HIM about that day’s actions. Lincoln tries to claim he’s physically afraid of Frat Fink and that he’s shown who he was when he got backed up against a wall. This is the second time this season Lincoln has put on that “scared” voice and told Becca he was afraid for his safety around someone, so I don’t buy it. He says that Connor (I think?)2 was afraid of Frat Fink and asked to switch rooms, though.

Back with the guys, Colton makes the point that whatever was happening with this group of men should have stayed with this group of men, but one of them decided to take it out in front of an audience of people, and Frat Fink continues to say he was “attacked” and he was “defending himself”. Whatever you need to tell yourself, buddy.

He goes to talk with Becca and tries to pretend he didn’t just get on stage and talk shit and swear in front of an audience. Chris is the kind of person who, before losing a game, just knocks the entire board over. And yes, considering what we know about Lincoln now, I wouldn’t be shocked to find that he was saying gross stuff about Becca when the cameras were down. A gross clock is clean twice a day, right? Becca tells Chris what Lincoln said, and Chris is genuinely baffled by that. She’s going to bring it up and asks everyone because she’s freaked out by his behavior. He says Lincoln’s entire story is fabricated, and then Garrett comes in to interrupt.

Chris immediately heads downstairs because he’s going to freak out, Becca is a fucking wreck, and Garrett does one thing that really firms up on the “I kind of like Garrett” front: when Becca asks for a moment to herself, he asks if he should leave. And when she said yes, he did. He didn’t try to be like “Oh, let me be there for you! Oh, I know best! Let me take care of you!” He respected her wishes and gave her space.

I hate that this is an admirable trait in romantic partners.

Chris goes to talk to the other guys, and Connor has figured out how to distinguish himself from the other guys: GLASSES! Chris mentions that Becca told him about Connor wanting to move rooms, and Connor is... confused, because how would Becca know this? Connor hasn’t had a single moment alone with Becca in this entire show, so it can’t be from him. None of the other guys have had a moment alone with Becca except for Lincoln, who fully admits to saying what he did. Lincoln says that he said, “I’m physically threatened by him, but Connor wanted to move”. Connor says he never said that, and it’s clear he’s telling the truth.

The entire time I’m yelling, “LET CONNOR SPEAK,” because if he had, Chris actually would have had a leg to stand on. But he won’t, because he’s letting Lincoln’s trolling get to him. Chris calls Lincoln a liar, and Lincoln says he’s not. Garrett comes back and talks about how he didn’t get to talk to her because of what Lincoln and Chris did affecting her so deeply. Chris needs to shut the fuck up. He literally cannot stop talking, and Garrett tells him his behavior is impacting literally everyone in the house, including Becca.

Back at the hotel, Leo gets a...

DAAAAAAAAATTTTTEEEEE CAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He’s psyched. It’s cute.

Back at the after-after-after-after-after-after-party, Chris is still throwing a tantrum because he’s getting blamed for fucking with Becca’s brain. All the other guys think Becca’s just going to throw in the towel and cancel the rest of the night because she’s all over the place emotionally, and they’re going to flip out if it does. It’s literally Lincoln vs. Chris. vs. Everyone else.

Becca comes to get Garrett, and he reads her his closing statement from the debate he didn’t get to deliver. Garrett also has really nice handwriting. Colton is so gross and basically says all the right things. My Boyfriend Wills admits to Becca that he’s falling in love with her because he’s into admitting emotions when he feels them.

Colton somehow gets the group date rose, and I AM PISSED. Shoulda gone to Blake or Garrett. Becca really wants to fuck Colton.

I love the fact that Becca can literally not let anything go and takes everything with her the next day. She wakes up the morning of her date with Leo feeling like shit from the night before and wants to give him 100% of her presence, but she doesn’t have it. Leo gets out first helicopter date of the season? This late? That’s shocking.

Becca isn’t 100% there and admits to that, and they sit down and have a conversation. She’s emotionally drained and tired of the drama and she apologizes for not being all there for Leo. Becca at least explains where she is to Leo, and Leo tries to understand where she’s coming from. She wants a relationship out of this, not necessarily just an engagement. He talks about being a “caricature” and he’s ready to settle down and be in a relationship. It’s nice. It works.

They get in a boat and go pick oysters, which looks FREEZING. What the fuck. What kind of date is this? What if they don’t like oysters? This is dangerous, and now I want oysters. They go to dinner, and Becca is wearing another sequin snakeskin print dress. Becca thanks Leo for being there for her that day, and then we get our Rehearsed Sob Story from Leo. He loves his dad, looks up to him greatly, but also feels like he failed his father by not becoming a pro baseball player. I mean, after Jordan’s mom and Jason’s dad, this story seems... uh... I mean, it’s a sad story. But it’s not that bad.

At the house, Connor (I think?) and Jason are discussing Frat Fink and his volatile behavior. He wasn’t that guy when they first got in the house, but now he’s a different person. The music is ominous and we get a ton of shots of Chris writing in a journal, putting on his watch, and we hear that he told Jason that he’s more confident about this rose ceremony than ever.

Leo gets the (sympathy) date rose, and they get to dance and make out in front of some no-name singer and Leo does a terrible job of pretending he’s into the music.

All the guys are happy to see Leo come home with a rose except for Frat Fink, who knows he’s going home now. As soon as Leo comes home, Frat Fink leaves the room, gets in the elevator, and goes to Becca’s hotel room. Becca hasn’t even changed from the sequin snake nightmare when Chris arrives at her door, and she is baffled. Chris talks at her for a while about wanting to put them on the right track and he can see himself marrying her and Becca’s like “uh, that’s a leap and a jump from you wanting to leave last week.” Chris continues to be like “I was just questioning things, I didn’t know how you felt,” and Becca continues to remind him that a) he got one of the first one-on-ones and b) she’s never actively done anything to make him think otherwise. He tells her not to think about that anymore because he’s there and he stayed, so get the fuck over it. Becca points out that his behavior and actions have permeated literally every part of her time in Virginia and sullied it, so it’s not so easy to just “get over it”.

Chris calls their issue “a little adversity” and says it didn’t come from either of them, which just proves he’s delusional. All of their “little adversity” was caused entirely by him. He keeps saying that he doesn’t let a little adversity get in the way of what he wants, but it entirely has. He’s not smart, and Becca doesn’t buy it at all. She thinks it’s too far for them, the red flags are waving in the wind, and the things she’s heard about him scare her. He says he was just expressing how he felt, and Becca’s not okay with that. Chris claims he’s been attacked for a week and a half, and Becca points out he did some attacking too, he’s not blameless. She doesn’t think they could get to a relationship, and she doesn’t think it’s even fair to take him through the rose ceremony the next day.

I was seal-clapping.

Becca offers to walk him out, and Chris says “I’m good”. Becca insists, because that’s respectful, and Chris is a spoiled fucking brat. How quickly he turns on Becca is frightening, and she dodged a bullet. The producer that told Chris to go talk to her just felt that bonus hit their bank account. Becca could smell his desperation, I guess he borrowed some Desperation, by Jean Blanc, from Jean Agent Cody Blancs.

The next day, Becca’s canceled the cocktail party. She knows who’s going home and wants a few hours to nap. The rose ceremony consists of Becca in a floral sequin gown with a harness neckline????? It’s not a good look. It’s going for sexy, but it’s far more tortuous.

The rose ceremony begins.

Only Garrett, Blake, and Wills get roses. The savagery.

Oh, Connor (I think?). I’m sorry you didn’t get screentime or a chance with Becca.

FUCK OFF, LINCOLN.

We’re going to the Bahamas!

** Next Week:** Horses! Beach makeouts! Jason and Blake getting tortured! Garrett and Wills are falling in love with Becca and they’re afraid and jealous. Jason needs to open the fuck up. Blake is second-guessing himself. Everyone is freaking the fuck out.

See you next week!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Virginia is For Lovers Count: 4

You know Frat Fink is garbage when Chris Harrison is a better Chris. And both of them pale in comparison to my favorite Chris, my brother.

Colton needs to take a note from Ralph Northam, because Colton is such a fucking politician.

I want to know what Leo’s ethnicity is. Is that bad?

“The man eats 12 eggs every day.” Frat Fink is trying ANYTHING to get Becca to turn against Lincoln. What’s so wrong with that? That’s his cholesterol, not yours!

Remember how good I was doing and then Tumblr ate two of my recaps?!

Okay, so this is the best top 6 since Kaitlyn's season, right? Now that we've gotten rid of a lot of the junk, each guy in the top 6 has had a one-on-one, it's all fair. Good for Becca!

Ralph Northam is cute in that political kind of way. Like, I want him to be my dad. ↩︎

This was a real “I think?”. ↩︎ ↩︎

There are plenty of things to hate about this season, but my actual favorite part is Becca not having any kind of a poker face. Girl cannot find any ability to give a fuck about the guys she’s not clearly into, and it is palatable. I love it.

We’re in Las Vegas, so of course, we’re gonna get a ton of “roll the dice” and “luck” and “lady” and generic Las Vegas terms. I’ve been to Las Vegas enough to know that it is NOT my place. Also, who the fuck is styling Becca and why do they hate her so deeply? A sequin bomber jacket and a grey sweater? Who is she, Karamo Brown?1

The guys are staying in the penthouse at the Aria Hotel, and I hate that I knew that from just looking at it. I also looked to see if Steve Wynn owned the Aria (he doesn’t) because honestly, this show is such garbage I fully expected them to take free money from a sexual harasser.

The guys think this week will bring the inevitable two-on-one, but no, the

DATE CAAAAAARD!!!!!!!!!!

Turns out to be for Colton, and I roll my eyes. Also, they’re immediately leaving the Strip to go to the desert and hang out with some camels. Becca is wearing shorteralls, a white tank top, and a bandana tied around her neck. Antoni Porowski, she is not.2 They’re going on a camel ride, something I didn’t know Las Vegas was noted for. Las Vegas Camels sounds like their basketball team, not an activity. Their camels are not friends and do not want to be near each other, which Colton takes very personally.

Back at the penthouse, David is letting his obsession with Jordan run wild. I hate to use the word obsession, but his need to constantly poke the bear went from cute chicken to angry bird right quick, and Imma need him to take a full step back. He asks Jordan how it felt when he got the last rose and what was going through his mind, and Jordan affirms that rose order means nothing. Jordan’s correct. Meanwhile, my boyfriend Venmo John is just sitting there peacefully in white shorts. The tension is real between the two of them, and clearly, the two-on-one is designed for them.

Becca gets into the hot tub with Colton, because this is a normal thing that people do. I figured out why I don’t trust Colton - HE’S ALWAYS SMILING. HE’S PERMANENTLY SMILING. I don’t like it. But Becca wants to fuuuuuuuck Colton. He barely says two words and she’s like “We’re so into each other, let’s make out, blah blah blah blah blah” and mashes her face against his a bunch of times.

They go to dinner and don’t touch it, of course, and Becca’s wearing a brown sequin dress. I seriously think her stylist is blind. We find out that Colton’s last relationship was over quickly because she broke up with him, and he was in love with her and fell rather quickly. If we’re talking about Aly Raisman, Colton’s actual ex, then... I mean. Aly Raisman has had a hell of a ride these past few years and didn’t need a starfucker telling him he loves her while she’s processing her sexual assault and the coverup that followed. Naw, Colton. I’m not about you.

At the penthouse, there’s a

DATE CAAAAAAAARDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s a group date - Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor (I think?), Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris. The only guys not on the card are David and Jordan, so it’s clear that’s who will be on the two-on-one. I mean, who didn’t see this coming, other than Stevie Wonder?

Colton gets a rose, that’s all I have to say. Literally. They make out on a bus and have to be commanded by a sign to make out.

The guys are in a van on the way to an estate to meet Mr. Las Vegas himself, Wayne Newton.

Wayne Newton looks like he took a picture of Joselyn Wildenstein3 to his plastic surgery with a post-it marked “Goals”. Wayne Newton looks like the crash-test dummy Dwight cuts the face off of on The Office. Wayne Newton is why male plastic surgery should be a deeper endeavor. Wayne Newton probably reached Carson Kressley and then took a real left turn.

He also comes in on a horse and his teeth are so white. But he does have peacocks, a private jet, and honestly, this man really is a legend. Wayne takes them on a tour, and then he introduces his wife, who looks marvelous. He then sings Danke Shoen in her face, something I hate. I hate when people get close to me and sing to me. Do not serenade me in my personal space. I’m much more of a John Cusack with a boombox outside of my bedroom window kinda girl, personally.

Lincoln doesn’t know what “Danke Schoen” means, which is surprising only in that I’m surprised by it. Why am I surprised Lincoln, a flat-earther with a poop and sexual assault problem, doesn’t know something? Lincoln is the fucking worst. I bet Lincoln thinks you’re talking about grass stains on your butt when you say “Gracias”.

The guys have to rewrite “Danke Schoen” to relate to their feelings for Becca, which... okay. I liked this date when it was Katilyn’s season and Amy Schumer before everyone hated her came and roasted the guys for a bit. But Wayne Newton? In 2018? Danke Shoen? In 2018?

Danke Schoen has one place, and that is on a parade float in Chicago in 1986, pretending to come out of Matthew Broderick’s mouth.

David is still antagonizing Jordan about the two-on-one. He’s asking Jordan if he’s going to wear his special underpants or if he’s nervous, and Jordan is focused on his relationship with Becca. It’s a fascinating dynamic, actually. Jordan actually wants to win the two-on-one because it’ll advance his relationship with Becca. David wants to win the two-on-one because he wants to beat Jordan. Stop white knighting, David. Becca can see what a fool Jordan is for herself.

I really don’t want to write about this Wayne Newton nonsense. Becca and Wayne Newton4 go around to the guys, who proceed to sing their terrible lyrics to an unimpressed Wayne Newton. Chris is psyched because he thinks he has a leg up because he was already forced to write a song and sing it to Becca on his last date with her. Frat Fink is on my perma-shitlist. Leo sings to a horse, and I love that. My Boyfriend Wills is wearing a romphim and sings in French. But that’s not all!

Those songs they wrote? They’re going to perform it in front of a live audience in tuxedos. I would quit. Honestly. I would walk THE FUCK out.

Venmo John goes all-in. Honestly, even though I would hate all of this, the ones who went big are the ones who fully committed. Everyone is terrible. It is a nightmare. I don’t know how Becca is sitting there, dealing with it. Frat Fink invokes Arie and gets the crowd riled up. Becca is about it.

At the after-after-after-after-after party, Becca compliments the guys while wearing what I can only describe as a Hooker Barbie dress. WHAT DID SHE DO TO HER STYLIST?

Okay, I’m about to do something I never do: reverse my opinion.

I really think if all that stuff about Garrett’s Instagram likes hadn’t come out before, people would love him. Because he’s actually great, and actually seems to like Becca, and even though last week I was like “Okay, Garrett, but where’s the part where you’re the asshole?” I actually... think... he’s there For The Right Reasons. He doesn’t align with Becca politically, yes - and that’s a casting issue - and yes, his views are trash, but he seems like a nice enough guy.

Sorry, guys. I know. I hate me too. Their time on the date was just so damn cute, I can’t help it.

Back at the penthouse, there’s a...

DAAAAAAATEEEEEE CCCCCCCAAAAAAARRRRRRDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!

For David and Jordan, and it’s ominous as fuck. David says some nonsense about it being a competition but it’s not about winning, because it’s about falling in love. But it’s a competition, David. And Becca is the prize. I smell your misogyny from here.

Meanwhile, Frat Fink is playing it cool on the Time with Becca front. He doesn’t mind that literally every other guy is getting a chance to talk with her because he feels confident in what they have. Frat Fink has no doubts in the mind of his chemistry with Becca, and he’s Definitely a Front Runner. Star of Footloose and other films, Miles Teller, takes Becca outside to talk about Becca was robbed of a genuine moment where someone tells her they’re falling in love with her with Grosse Pointe Jean Blanc last week. But there’s a catch: he’s the one falling in love with Becca! They’re outside for like 35, 40 minutes and then Becca comes inside and tells them all “I hope y’all had a fun time, sorry I didn’t talk to you all!”

Frat Fink is piiiiiisssssssseeeeeed. Blake gets the rose, of course.

Frat Fink immediately goes from confident to unconfident in a millisecond because he thinks Becca should have made time for him. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again - my favorite trope on this show is the contestant who thinks it’s the lead’s job to seek them out and not the other way around. It’s a competition show and your time is limited. Instead of trying to get the last word and leave an impression, GET YOUR SHIT IN THE GAME. Frat Fink thinks he’s going home for sure, and all the other guys are trying to talk him off a ledge. Frat Fink thought he was on a better level with the guys than anyone else. He wants to pack his bags and go home, and he’s sure Becca would regret it if he went home.

Somehow I don’t believe that.

It’s time for the two-on-one.

They meet Becca in The Valley of Fire, and I love that the two-on-one always takes place in a god damn expanse in the desert. Jordan calls Becca a snack, which only sounds good when my friend Mondo says it, sorry. They go off-roading with a Jeep, I guess? And that takes them to a bed/canopy/bench thing in the middle of the silent desert.

David is first to take Becca aside, and he’s so happy to be there but he NEEDS to tell Becca that Someone (Jordan) isn’t there for the Right Reasons (Jordan) and that person happens to be Jordan. He talks about the girls he wants to hook up with and his Tinder matches enough to deeply bother David. David thinks that Jordan is settling for Becca, and David doesn’t agree with that. Becca’s triggered because Lauren said that Becca was the “Safe Choice” for Arie. Lauren, what? No. You have the personality of vanilla sour cream5. David’s satisfied with the fact he spent his entire time with Becca talking about Jordan. Becca immediately talks to Jordan about Jordan being interested in other women or admiring other women. Jordan denies everything David said about him, and Becca doesn’t have a reason to trust Jordan. She wants to know Jordan deeper, more than just the funny dumb model we’ve all come to love. Jordan told Becca anything she asks, he’ll be 100 about it, and I honestly believe that because Jordan is too dumb to have a filter.

Jordan talks about how his mom is mentally ill, but his dad loves her and never stopped. I actually... love that? As a mentally ill person, I hope someone can love me despite my illness. Jordan says he can love unconditionally and live free because he’s been through a lot and is proud of what he has and where he’s gotten and it’s actually the first real thing I think he’s ever said on this show.

Jordan immediately runs over to David and David’s sniveling face and voice is unapologetic. Jordan’s greatest power is being him, but David’s greatest power isn’t being him, that’s why he talks about Jordan. Jordan says David took his shit out of context and doesn’t have a sense of humor. Jordan is PISSED and David actually doesn’t have the upper hand here like he thinks.

Becca sits down between the two of them and I love this interaction:

David: “Okay, I’ll kick things off-”

Jordan: “First off, just don’t start ‘kicking things off,”

I cackled.

Jordan is very upset. Becca just wants clarification and is literally like “theeeeeese biiiiiiitches,” fully exasperated. She’s not here for this kind of drama, and just wants to know - did someone say “settling”, or did they not? She’s frustrated because the drama has kept her from getting to know them, and it is PETTY BULLSHIT.

Becca, always:

She storms away, and David admits that yes, this is his perception, and Jordan doesn’t think it could be reality. Becca comes back and basically says David, sayonara, stay in the desert where you belong, and Jordan doesn’t quite get a rose just yet. He still has to go through dinner with Becca.

They leave David alone in the desert and speed away in the Jeep. David is left to decay and basically become Into The Wild, that terrible movie full of abusers.

All the guys aren’t shocked that David’s suitcase is dragged away by a PA.

Becca and Jordan’s date is a little... empty. Jordan asks Becca what her average weekend is like, and Becca talks about her actual plans - going to church, reading, brunch, etc. - and Jordan talks about his skincare routine. I mean, that’s great conversation for me, but it’s not how someone gets to know someone. Jordan wishes he could show Becca his portfolio, and he just talks abut modeling the entire time.

Back at the house, Frat Fink is spiraling. I love the producer who is clearly asking him “So, what do you need from Becca?” Frat Fink is upset that Jordan gets all this time with Becca and is coming home with a rose because Frat Fink basically doesn’t want to work. He wants Becca to “show him” that he means something to her and it’s basically entirely in her court. Nah, man. You’re on the wrong show and you have the wrong intentions. Frat Fink is what I hate about modern dating. Male comfort is not, and will never be a priority of mine, especially not over my own. Frat Fink has got it twisted.

Meanwhile, Jordan’s really trying. Really, really trying. He tries to be smooth and get a kiss from Becca but Becca’s just not feeling it. It’s awkward when she tells him she’s just not going to be able to get there with him, and he’s in shock. Jordan’s exit is clearly the exit of someone who’s never been rejected before and the exit of a handsome person being rejected for the first time.

The PA comes in to take Jordan’s bag away, and the guys are celebrating while Becca is left to watch fireworks alone.

It’s time for the Cocktail Party! Frat Fink is STILL freaking out about his one-on-one time, or lack thereof. Becca takes him aside first because she wants to get to the root of it all - on the group date, he didn’t try to talk to her, and some of the other guys (read: production) told her about him saying he wanted to go home. Becca and Frat Fink sit down, and the first thing he says is “Honestly, I think you owe me, like, 50,000 kisses right now.”

She. (clapping emoji)

Doesn’t. (clapping emoji)

Owe. (clapping emoji)

You. (clapping emoji)

Shit. (clapping emoji)

She is a woman with agency and also, the lead of this show. Becca literally doesn’t have to do anything other than show up. Even Becca is baffled when he says this. Frat Fink tries to defend himself but Becca calls out the fact he said he didn’t want to be there. He says he would’ve left if he wanted to leave, and Becca’s upset about what he said. Frat Fink is like “I didn’t think you were into me,” and Becca’s like, “When the hell did I ever give you that impression?” Because it’s grounded in nothing. The guys are all talking about him not taking the opportunity at hand at the group date to be with her but chose to sit back and throw a pity party. The one time things didn’t go his way, he flipped out. It’s a red flag.

Frat Fink keeps being like, “I don’t think you know how much I like you, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t like you,” and Becca, rightfully, is calling his god damn bluff. His actions do not match his words. Becca is openly frustrated and doesn’t want to get worked up. She’s maaaaaad. She storms away, and Frat Fink talks with Garrett and Colton6 and rattles his whiskey glass because he knows he’s on thin ice with Becca. Frat Fink is crying because this is entirely his fault and he can’t do anything about it.

Garrett calls him “emotionally unstable”, which is hilarious because Lincoln is in the room when he does. But he’s right - if he’s having a meltdown over not getting time on a group date/cocktail party, it’s not a good sign. Frat Fink is going down in flames and they’re all there to see it.

My Boyfriend Wills has his time with Becca, and Frat Fink comes down to interrupt. Becca’s response (FINALLY!!!!) is “We just sat down,” because yes, it’s only respectful. Wills is wearing a plaid jacket and looks fly. You know Frat Fink is misogynist trash when he asks Becca twice if he can interrupt, and then asks Wills as if the answer’s going to change. Wills agrees to give him two minutes before he comes back.

Two minutes.

Frat Fink is talking to Becca like he has all the time in the world, and Wills comes back two minutes later. Wills reminds him he’s a) already had his time and b) he needs to respect him the way he has. Frat Fink says “it’s important”, and Wills is like, “And my time isn’t?”

Wills is a master class in arguing. What a fucking class act, oh my god. He is polite but firm. Becca is looking at Frat Fink with a smirk on her face because she is LOVING THIS. I would be too - Wills was polite enough to give up his time, and now he is

Wills stays firm and insists that no, Frat Fink cannot have more time and he must leave. Becca tells Frat Fink she’ll find him later on, and Frat Fink STILL thinks he might be able to change Wills’ mind. Becca says, “I’m true to my word, and if I say I’m going to find you, I’ll come find you.”

GET IT, BECCA. YOU’RE BORING SOMETIMES BUT THIS IS LIT.

Because Frat Fink is really full of fucking shit.

My Boyfriend Wills comes back from his date, and Frat Fink is freaking out. He tries to say Wills disrespected him, but he didn’t. Wills doesn’t have a problem and wasn’t attacking him - he even gave him a bit of time when he didn’t have to. All the other guys are defending Wills because Frat Fink is double dipping when a ton of the guys haven’t talked to Becca yet. Frat Fink says they’re all acting like victims, and all the guys are tired of hearing about Frat Fink’s problems like they don’t have their own.

Frat Fink is ‘fustrated’.That’s spelled wrong on purpose.

Becca comes to get Frat Fink, and he talks at her. She’s so mad that he tried to leave so quickly after things went down and he sees himself as this passionate knight. I mean, after his actions on the first night, I’m just over it. He admits to fucking up but I hate him.

Chris Harrison comes in for 10 seconds to announce the Rose Ceremony.

Garrett, Jason, Wills, Lincoln (BARF), Leo, Connor (I think??????), and Frat Fink7 all get roses.

Goodbye, Venmo John. You’re too good for this world. We’ll see you on Paradise.

And we’re off! To… Richmond, Virginia!

Next Week: Everyone’s on edge. Someone’s talking shit. Everyone’s terrified because they’re under pressure. Becca’s mentality is flawed, and they’re all feeling it. Frat Fink vs. Lincoln. And someone fucking loses it.

Later This Season: Becca stands on the beach in some international destination in a gorgeous dress. I wonder what she’s waiting there for?

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

They are editing Lincoln out of this show and I love it. It’s what he deserves.

Honestly, ever since I learned that the dates have no budget and basically given on what they can get for free, I can’t unsee it.

I will forever be haunted by the sound of Chris's ice in his glass clinking.

I seriously think Netflix might send someone to my house because they’re concerned about my Queer Eye intake. ↩︎

Seriously, guys. I love Queer Eye. ↩︎

Come on, you didn’t think I would make it through a full Bachelorette season without mentioning my Kat Kween at least once, did you? ↩︎

Is it weird I just can’t imagine him being just “Wayne” to people? Like how even Lisa Rinna calls Harry Hamlin Harry Hamlin? ↩︎

So... yogurt? ↩︎

I couldn’t tell them apart for a second. ↩︎

This season is a car wreck, and not the good kind.

I know, I know. “Amanda, is there ever a good car wreck?” I don’t know, ask Holly Hunter and James Spader in Cronenberg Crash how they feel about that1. Ask insurance companies! They would know!

No, this season is a car wreck because not only are the men absolutely wretched - who would have thought we could get worse than the combination of Chad, Chase, Robb(ie) and Dean - but Becca is basically a nonfactor, and production DGAF about spoilers and the casting of literal sex offenders. This has all resulted in some of the most boring television I have ever had the displeasure of viewing.

But alas, I do it for y’all.

The episode opens up right before the third cocktail party, and those without roses are terrified. David / Chicken Man literally fell out of a bunk bed because this show has so many similarities to summer camp. Speaking of, Clay, who is a professional football player, hurt his wrist so badly he had to leave the show. This is the most fucked up summer camp ever, and we haven’t even gotten to Paradise yet.

Ugh. Paradise. Remember back when Paradise was the best part of my summer2?

Star of the Floptastic Fantastic Four, Miles Teller, takes Becca aside to make her feel better after Clay’s departure. And that conversation means talking about the number of kids you want! That’s totally how I relax. Blake wants 3-5 kids, which Becca reacts the same way I do - COMPLETE AND UTTER HORROR. Men always want a bunch of fuckin’ kids because they don’t have to do the work. They don’t have a parasite that feeds on your nutrients for nine months, then you EXPEL that parasite from your body and you’re expected to take care of that parasite for the rest of your lifetime, including using your body to feed them for a while afterwards. Like, it’s a vagina - not a clown car. I fully intend to approach pregnancy as “That Really Cool Thing I Only Want To Do Once, Maybe Twice, Just For The Shits And Gigs of It All.” I can’t wait for my kids to read this blog.

Becca wants to name her daughter “Stevie”, which… I’m not even going to get started on that one. No, wait, I’m going to. I am totally pro-gender neutral names3, but STEVIE? Stevie. You are robbing your child of an adult name if you name them Stevie. No one trusts a 45 year old named Stevie. They both also agree with “Charlie”, which is cute as a shortened version of Charles or Charlotte. I am not calling anyone named Charlie Charlie after the age of 23. Charlie is a fuckboy4. They make out after baby talk, which is not what it sounds like.

Jordan is relishing in David falling out of his bed, and Jordan believes that God willed David’s hospital visit into the universe. Is this what I sound like when I talk about willing shit into existence? I’m going to stop ASAP. Anyway, Jordan, despite being happy David is gone, doesn’t even think it matters - he can woo Becca in 5 minutes as well as he can in 30. Premature ejaculation is common in the Haus of Jordan. He goes off on some nonsense about wearing a tie but not wearing a tie so Becca can get a read on him?

Jordan is doing some Nathaniel Hawthorne-esque symbolism through sartorial choices and I would watch an entire series of Jordan trying to tell women how he feels about them using his clothes rather than his words. Becca presents Jordan with a pair of golden lame hot pants, and Jordan takes that as being the Golden Boy and that Becca clearly thinks his junk is gold. Seriously. Someone greenlight this series.

David comes back while this is occurring, and he looks a fucking wreck. Black eye, nose all banged up - David done fucked himself right up. Jordan acts like David can do anything about the way he looks with his broken nose. Becca does her due diligence and takes him aside, and she tells him how handsome he looks. Becca, you’re trying it. David schmoozes the FUCK out of Becca about how happy he is to be back and how this hurt more to leave her than him. Jordan, still banking on his looks and his looks alone, is completely focused on how terrible David looks. Jordan’s confident he’s getting a rose tonight and David will get sent home simply because of what he looks like.

Jordan is such a delusional monster, but he’s literally not even the worst person there.

Becca, being a saint, offers David a rose because there’s no way David can stand through a 4-6 hour Rose Ceremony.I feel like this is the one form of compassion we’re going to see from these people this season. David relishes in the fact that he gets to show off his bruised face AND his rose to Jordan, and skips off to bed.

And then, David goes, “Hey Jordan, what’s up?” and Jordan is so butt hurt about it.

We head into the Rose Ceremony. Chris, Colton, and David already have roses, so they don’t have to worry about a damn thing.

Jason / Andrew Keegan, Wills, Nick, Christon, Lincoln (BOOOOOOOOOO), Blake, Garrett, Leo, Venmo John, Connor (I think?), Jordan, and Jean Blanc Ralphio are all recipients of this week’s roses.

Bye, Mystery Hottie Ryan and Man Bun Mike. We literally never knew anything about you guys.

Oh, and we’re going to a winter wonderland. We’re off to Park City, Utah4! I wonder if they’re going to leave the country after Lincoln’s eliminated because they can’t travel with a felon!

Someone at the styling team really hates Becca because they put her in a bright red puffer jacket that must have been taken from the set of A Christmas Story: The Musical, LIVE! from last December. Hopefully that’s the closest Pasek and Paul make it to this disaster of a show, but knowing ABC, they’ll find a way. We learn that Garrett, who I hate, gets the one-on-one date.

Assuming they filmed this in February/March, making Garrett and Becca walk the streets of Park City could be considered cruel and unusual punishment. It definitely looks like one of those days that you think it’s warm because of the sun, but a breeze comes through and you think you’ve been slapped in the face. I don’t miss the cold. Becca brings Garrett to a an alpaca shop, which is not what I expected to be. Less alpacas, more sweaters. Becca sees her dad in Garrett, and honestly, this girl got her heart broken on national TV and doesn’t have a dad and clearly is going to look like that in a person.

And then we learn that Lincoln is a flat earther.

Okay, so Lincoln is:

Slimy

Rumored to have issues pooping in public

An actual convicted sexual assaulter

A FUCKING FLAT EARTHER?

AND HE’S BLACK???????????????

I hate being like “Man, this guy is making it look bad for everyone”, but I feel like if my friend Rae, who is also a Nigerian-American, heard any of this stuff about Lincoln, she would find him and chop his head off. He is making Nigerians look bad, and this is after Jackie Aina falsely accused another YouTuber of international bank fraud. Lincoln is worse than accusing someone of international bank fraud.

All the men are looking at him like he’s bonkers. He literally cannot fathom the idea of friction, gravity, or astrophysics. He invites an astrophysicist, the primary viewing group of The Bachelorette, to discuss it over hot chocolate.

I don’t even want to acknowledge Lincoln as a person anymore. Is he gone yet?

Back at the house, we hear Venmo John speak for the first time all season, and it turns out he has a weird voice. Is that mean? He’s talking with Jean Blanc Ralphio, who basically is this season’s anxiety bomb - he just needs to take a deep breath and chill out.

Garrett and Becca take a ski slope up to the top of a bobsledding track, and honestly, I really wish that they had just superimposed footage from Cool Runnings over this entire scene. We meet Shauna Rohbok and Valerie Fleming, who are silver medalists at the US Bobsled team, who also happen to be married to each other. My favorite part is Garrett putting two and two together than these two women are married to each other and that lesbianism isn’t a thing pornography made up and pretending to be super cool with that5.

Cue bobsledding montage.

Becca and Garrett sit down to “dinner”, and Becca immediately compares him to her dad. Garrett’s like “thanks dawg,” and then Becca’s like “okay, time to talk about your former relationships! Time to unveil your deepest personal traumas to me, this camera crew, and the rest of America!” Of course Garrett got married and divorced young - less than three years from dating to divorce, god damn - and he thinks it was to the Wrong Person. She was emotionally abusive and isolated him from the rest of his family, and he was the first member of his family to get divorced so he has Baggage. I mean, I still hate him. But that’s still unfortunate. Garrett reaffirms he’s there For Becca and he wants it to work for them, and that gets him a rose, and a dance in front of a band and a live audience. Again, do we ever hear from these bands again? Or the audience members, at that?

Back at the house, there’s a....

DATE CAAAAAAARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jordan, Chris, Star of War Dogs Miles Teller, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor (I Think?), Christon, Colton, and Jean Blanc Ralphio are on the date card, which means My Boyfriend Wills is going on the other one-on-one date this week. And a ton of the dudes in the room are P I S S E D about that.

The guys all go to join Becca, who is wearing her best Lumberjack Chic outfit in a wheat field that’s somehow not covered in snow. Are they sure this is really Utah? They’re literally having a lumberjack bash, because… this show has a budget of $15 an episode, and they spent half of it on bobsledding lessons. They are literally going to throw axes and chop wood, because heteronormative activities on an arbitrary scale of masculinity is a great way to measure a man’s ability to be a good husband. Jean Blanc Ralphio, Frat Fink6 and He Who Shall Not Be Named are both disasters at chopping wood. I literally cannot be bothered to write anything positive about this because I do not understand the POINT. At some point the guys are literally lifting and pushing over logs?

This would never work for me. The guys, to make things worse, are split into teams to do a relay for Becca’s heart. There’s a ton of “separating the men from boys” things going on, and I thought that was determined by age and maturity, not by… being able to climb a 30 foot tall log. Maybe that’s just me? The final competition boils down to Venmo John vs Star of the Divergent Series, Miles Teller, and in a shocking twist, Venmo comes in first, and he gets a golden axe7.

If they wanted a date where the men wore plaid, I would much rather have all of them do their best Kurt Cobain impressions in a “grunge themed” group date. I had a much more insensitive punchline to that joke, so I’m just going to leave it at that for now.

It’s time for the After-After-After-After-After Party, and the first person to take Becca aside is Jason / Andrew Keegan, and basically he just talks about how nice it was to see Becca having fun. That’s it. He’s nervous because he cares about Becca so he’s finding it hard to be aloof, and agrees to just embrace that. Okay.

Is Jason working on me? Oh my god. He sounds genuine when he says this. NOOOOOOO, DO NOT LET ME FALL FOR ANDREW KEEGAN’S CULT!!!8 Colton tells Becca he’s been in love before, and this dude is a virgin who’s been in love? What the fuck? Jordan is wearing the hot pants Becca gave him under his clothes, and honestly, Aaron Samuels wishes. He takes off his pants to show her and kiss Becca, and she literally tells him she can’t take him seriously before sashaying away to the other men on the couch.

Jesus, Jordan is annoying. Colton and Frat Fink are irritated especially, and is the next to join the Jordan is Not Here for the Right Reasons camp. They think his behavior is disrespectful, and Colton wants his shenanigans to be over. Jordan asks if Colton thinks Jordan should be tired of all these men taking him aside to talk to him, and Colton’s like “yeah… because you’re annoying, dude.” He calls Jordan a motherfucker, a clown, all kinds of things. Colton calls himself “One of the Good Guys”, something I can certifiably say is unlikely to be true. Jordan is harmless and Becca clearly doesn’t see him as a real option, so this is all unnecessary.

Jean Blanc Ralphio takes Becca side to present her with a perfume, and it is at this moment that I realize his FIRST AND LAST NAME is Jean Blanc. This entire time I thought Jean Blanc was his first and middle name and I let out an entirely involuntary “THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.” at my office. The perfume is called “Miss Becca Blanc,” which is so weird. We don’t even find out what it smells like before Jean Blanc Ralphio tries to exchange the perfume for a kiss, which Becca is not about. She can smell something unpleasant in the air, and it’s not JBR’s cologne - it’s Desperation, by Calvin Klein. At this time, Leo comes in to interrupt9 and that basically starts Jean Blanc Ralphio on a shame spiral. He wants to turn that frown upside dizity, but he doesn’t know how.

He decides to take life by the balls and interrupt Lincoln’s time with Becca. He wants to affirm how he feels about Becca, and tells her that he’s falling in love with her.

Basically, this is Jean Blanc Ralphio:

Becca’s response:

Me, at home:

Also Me:

Becca doesn’t know anything about this person, or what brought on these feelings so quickly, but Becca is overwhelmed. Not just whelmed. She’s not even close to the same page, they’re in separate chapters. It may feel like it’s been a year, but it’s the fourth episode, Jean Blanc Ralphio. You feel NOTHING except a mild erection, and Becca’s allowed to not want you there anymore because she thinks your feelings are deeper than hers and she doesn’t know if she can get there with you. Becca asks if she can walk him out.

Jean Blanc Ralphio asks about his gift on his way out, and Becca offers to give it back. Uh, Becca? It was a gift. Likely it’s water with food coloring in it and a Microsoft Word label, he doesn’t need it back. And that’s when Jean Blanc Ralphio digs his grave.

Basically, Jean Ralphio expected to give Becca a gift and that would get her so aroused and turned on that she would fall madly in love with him straight away, and confessing his love to her was simply a tactic, not his actual sentiment. He fully admits to basically saying that because he wanted to stay there and because he thought that’s what she wanted from him. Uh, this girl just had her heart shattered on national TV from a dude’s insincerity, it’s the exact OPPOSITE of what she wants right now. Becca is so mad and basically shoves him out the door. Becca goes to talk to the other dudes in pure anger, and cancels the rest of the night. No one’s getting the group date rose.

The next day, My Boyfriend Wills has been prepped with the knowledge that Becca had a hard night the night before. Everyone saw Becca’s genuine, real anger the night before, and they have all realized Rebecca ain’t no one to fuck with. Becca’s an emotional mess from the night before still, and she feels weird.

Probably because you haven’t dealt with having your heart broken on national television, Rebecca.

My Boyfriend Wills approaches Becca in the snow, and he gives her a huge hug. They both talk about not wanting to talk about what happened the previous night, so of course that’s going to be the main focus on the evening. They’re going to go on snowmobiles so they don’t have to talk about anything, and Becca has a wonky eyelash. They have a snowball fight, My Boyfriend Wills has an ASMR voice, and it’s all pretty wonderful. They go to dinner, and Wills reveals that his Deep Romantic Trauma is from his ex-girlfriend wanting to open up their relationship and him not being game for that. He refers to this as a “Hall Pass”, which implies that it’s less wanting Openness, but her looking for an excuse to cheat. But Wills isn’t afraid of commitment whatsoever, he’s afraid of not being Enough.

Oh, Wills. I get that.

But that honesty and respect for Becca gets Wills a rose. Yas, My Boyfriend Wills.

Back at the house, the dudes who got fucked over by Jean Blanc’s fuckery cutting the group date short - Nick and Connor (I think?) - and Chris Harrison comes by for five seconds to reveal that Becca knows her choices and there isn’t going to be a cocktail party that evening, it’s going straight to the Rose Ceremony. Nick and Connor (I think?) are upset and fucked up about this.

Becca:

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony.

Leo, Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor (I think?), He Who Shall Not Be Named, John, Frat Fink, David, and Jordan get roses. Bye Nick, Bye Christon10. Jordan is shook he’s in last place, even though he’s been there before.11

Oh, and we’re off to Vegas!

Next Week: Tons of Vegas references! The Bellagio fountain! Becca is feeling amazing! Frat Fink is this guy’s “what about my attention? I’m better than these guys!” And David vs. Jordan in the desert for my favorite part of the season - the two-on-one.

See you then!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

I’m so mad my hottie mystery banjo boyfriend is a MAGAhead, I cannot.

Oh my god, not only is Jordan’s identity Being Ridiculously Good-Looking, he also feels the need to bring up his crotch enough that I’m genuinely worried he might really be a Ken Doll down there.

The only good part of this week’s group date was the butts. Oh my god, the butts.

Seriously, was this season lit with the Benjamin Franklin’s lightbulb?

Okay, but god BLESS Jean Blanc Ralphio for having a name but also providing me with the opportunity to look at a bunch of gifs of  my Future Husband Ben Schwartz for this recap. #soloboloforevolo

I love that My Boyfriend Wills has a sweatshirt with his name on it.

Has the Rose Ceremony order always had the implication of favor? I didn’t know it was an official ranking of where you are to the lead.

Super Telling Of How Terrible This Season Is: this episode didn’t get a “funny behind the scenes moment featuring the guys while the credits roll” scene.

Or if you’re my mother, ask James Spader in general - she has this weird theory he’s a weirdo and it’s my favorite thing. Like, she cannot deduce whether he’s a weird person or he’s really, really good at playing weird characters. I love his sliminess. ↩︎

Now it’s Claws. Are you watching Claws? You should be fucking watching Claws, god damn it. It's on Hulu! Get on it! ↩︎

Hi Jordan! ↩︎

Fun Fact: for years, I thought Park City was named because they had an Olympic Park there. Text STOP to stop useless facts about my life! ↩︎ ↩︎

My other favorite part? Shauna Rohbok is a lesbian Mormon. ↩︎

My friends call Chris Rat Fink, but I think Frat Fink is an even better variation because he totally was the gross frat guy in college. ↩︎

Something tells me Jordan is having a conniption somewhere. ↩︎

Then again, it would be the biggest compliment to be hot enough to be offered a spot in this cult. ↩︎

He is so shrouded in darkness and his hair I literally had to guess based on a floral print and a voice who this is. It could have been anyone. ↩︎

God, I hope Christon makes it into paradise and they bring back Scallop Fingers / Christen / Krysten / Kiersten and we get their names confused. ↩︎

Thank god Queen Rachel showed up to save this episode, otherwise I don’t think I’d have much to say1.

We’re in Venice Beach, California, and it’s Becca’s first date as the Bachelorette and since Arie, which isn’t saying a lot considering she basically had an hour between their breakup and her crowning. The beeftestants are all ready for the competition to begin and to get their first date card. The Devil Incarnate Chris Harrison arrives for a solid 30 seconds to ask the guys about how they feel about Becca. We see David without the chicken suit for the first time and god, that venture capitalist does it for me. I hate myself for it too, but he honestly looks like if Scott Wolf and Matthew Fox got together on the set of Party of Five and made a baby, and I AM ABOUT IT. David probably drinks old fashioneds and wears boat shoes. My Mortal Enemy Chris Harrison talks about how serious Becca is about the entire experience, and tells them to relish in the time they get with her.

Remember, these people get, in total, around 48 hours with the person they’re going to marry if they make it that far, most of which is spent with an entire camera crew and production. I hate to say it, but Chris Harrison might be right.

Aside from a brief moment of correctness, what else does Chris Harrison have?

A DATE CARD!!!!!!!!!!

Clay, Nick, Chris / Perez Hilton, Venture Capitalist/Chicken David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln are on the first group date of the season.

The guys pull up and Becca’s there in a wedding dress, and Jordan’s feeling confident because he’s a model2 and beating good looking dudes is basically how he makes his bread and butter, so he’s not concerned. I love that Jordan’s entire personality is just being a Good Looking Guy. No one ever explained to Jordan that looks aren’t everything, and if they did, he wasn’t listening. Becca wants to “pamper” the men the way she was on her first date with Arby and I love that Becca thinks men’s idea of pampering is wearing tuxedos and drinking champagne. I mean, that’s my ideal man, but what do I know? I’m the kind of person who thinks Jack Donaghy was right here:

Becca pretends not to be ogling these men because I would be ogling these men. Without shame. I decided in 2018 I’m going to be as shameless about wanting to sleep with men as men are about wanting to sleep with me and it’s pretty great. I haven’t taken a full left turn into catcalling just yet, but I really have just embraced my inner Guy Checking Out A Girl Meme this year.

Jordan does his various modeling runway walks, and honestly, I so preferred this last week on the Vanderpump Rules Secrets Revealed episode when it was Tom Sandoval. Tom Sandoval actually had variation in his poses, where as Jordan is verging on the Zoolander “THESE ARE ALL THE SAME LOOK I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS” type of modeling. Jon Kortajarena is offended. Jordan is comfortable wearing clothes because he does it for a living. He tells Becca the best way to get dressed is to put her confidence on first. Becca invites the guys to go get rough and there we see

QUEEN RACHEL AND HER FIANCEE BRYAN.

This is a variation on the challenge we had last season that starred Mila Kunis and the Jar Of Douche she married, but instead of babies, it’s a wedding themed obstacle course. It’s a stretch, but it’s basically guys in tuxedos doing a Mud Run, something I can guarantee 85% of the men on this show have participated in. The first obstacle is strapping an ankle bracelet with a ball on it to the next obstacle.

Because ball and chains. Get it? Marriage? Women are carriers for men’s baggage?

Moving on.

The next is “Cold Feet”, which is basically dunking yourself into a vat of cold water3 for a period of time. The next is “slippery slope”, running up some slippery steps. Then “Get Over Your Exes” where they have to crawl on the ground to get a bouquet. The stretchiness is so real, it’s like a rubber band. They’re really trying this.

Finally, it’s “Cake Tasting”, which basically has the guys chomping through some cakes in order to find rings. This is all made worth it for Rachel telling the guys to “find out what that mouth do,” which I think should be a much better catchphrase than “do the damn thing”. The final two have to race to the altar to find Becca.

The obstacle course is kind of boring. Clay DGAF about the ice buckets, meanwhile Lincoln is miserable. All the guys notice that Lincoln got in the tub after them, but was out before them, and are pissed. Meanwhile, Lincoln is slipping and sliding all over the place4 and he gets a huge headstart. However, he misses the vase that bouquet of flowers is supposed to go in, so he must go back. By that point, David’s caught up and is face first in cake5 and they’re neck and neck until Lincoln nudges David, and he falls. Lincoln is the one to meet Becca at the aisle and “propose”, and the guys are all pissed.

There is a difference between competitiveness and playing dirty. Lincoln was playing dirty - leaving the tub before his time was up, knocking David over - that’s not a fair playing ground and yeah, Connor (I think?) is like, “wow, that says a lot about him as a person if he’ll cheat on a game like THIS.”

At the After-Party, Becca is wearing a red lace dress and Lincoln is being obnoxious. He keeps calling Becca his wife and the guys are barely in their chairs before Lincoln is taking Becca aside. Lincoln keeps saying “you bring out the best in me,” and Becca wants to know why. I love Becca’s line of questioning. These dudes can’t say empty, false platitudes because she’s gonna ask why. Becca gives him a portrtait of the two of them on their “wedding day” and Lincoln… kisses it. He’s gushing and all over her and they finally kiss in a manner that’s not covered in mud.

"Kissing Becca is like flying to the moon on the wings of a Pegasus while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold.” - Lincoln actually says this. I have never hated anyone so much.

Back at the house, there’s a...

DATE CARD!!!!!!!!!

It goes to Blake, who honestly, if you replaced him mid-season with Miles Teller, I wouldn’t realize.

We see the montage of Becca connecting with the guys, of course. Meanwhile, Lincoln is literally talking to his “wedding portrait”, kissing it, all kinds of obnoxious behavior. The guys are annoyed because he keeps propping the picture up and rubbing it in their faces, and it’s not something any of them are cool with. I mean, same? Connor (I think?), who clearly is being manipulated by a producer, keeps moving the picture, even when Lincoln continues to display it. Connor (I think?) tosses the photo on the ground after Lincoln’s like “where would I put it?” Of course Lincoln is the type to get hyped up on semantics. Lincoln props up the frame one more time, and Connor (I think?) ’s completely normal, pratcial reaction is to fling the photo across the pool, shattering it.

This reaction is so over the top, and I hate Lincoln, so that’s saying a lot. Lincoln was wrong, but his incorrectness was basically harmless. Connor (I think?) ;has been there for one day at this point. It is entirely unacceptable that he reacted like this… after one day. It’s a red flag if I’ve ever seen one.

Meanwhile, Jean Blanc, my mom’s dream husband for me, is making Becca swoon. Honestly, he talks about needing love in his life and how he gives her butterflies. They kiss and it’s nice. I'm glad Becca is giving the black guys a real shot at this.

Meanwhile, Lincoln is lurking a stairwell waiting because he “needs a new picture”, and he’s crying. He’s “rattled” because Connor (I think?) broke his picture and tells Becca that it’s becuase he didn’t like the picture. All the guys are like “tattletale”. Lincoln calls Connor (I think?) aggressive6 and says he doesn’t know why Connor (I think?) destroyed the photo. Becca points out that yes, this is aggressive and extreme, and is frustrated that it’s this early in the season and this is already happening. Becca goes to talk to Connor (I think?) , and Connor (I think?) really doesn’t see anything wrong with how aggressive he got straight away, which is scary. Rightfully, Becca asks him if this happens often, because girl has right to know if this dude is going to slaughter her in her sleep. Becca admits that what Lincoln did wasn’t right, but she wants someone respectful. Becca’s frustrated because it’s already too soon for this drama to start.

Remember what Chris Harrison said about using your time wisely? This is what he meant, Connor (I think?). Your time with Bex was spent talking about another dude.

Back with the group, Jean Blanc gets the group date rose. Of course.

Back at the house, Lincoln is still upset about his picture and Garrett, Andrew Keegan and the rest of the 90s Villains are all telling him it’s okay for him to be upset about it. I mean, kind of? It’s not worth crying over. I bet production can get you another copy, they just need to go to Michaels and get a Michaels coupon for 50% off frames first. They go to Jordan, where he’s sititng with the same Andrew Keegan from before, and Andrew Keegan is like, “dude, why are you CRYING over a photo where you don’t even look good?!”

Andrew Keegan, asking the right questions. No wonder you started a cult. Jordan thinks Lincoln’s accent is fake, and normally I’d be like “pfft, who would fake an accent?” But then I remember the Emmy-worthy performance Lincoln is putting on and I remember... it’s guys like Lincoln who put on a fake accent. It’s like Emily Mortimer on 30 Rock, but instead of fragile bones, Lincoln has a fragile ego.

They make an entirely uneventful transition to Blake on his date with Becca. I went to high school with a billion dudes who look just like Blake, and that is probably the source of my tiny crush on Blake? I mean, Blake is likely as trash as the rest of these men but he’s trash in a sweater?7 Honestly, looking like Miles Teller and not having the personality of Miles Teller already is a win for Blake. It’s Blake’s first limo ride because last week, he rode in on an ox. And before that, a horse. Blake does not like enclosed spaces. Becca has no idea what’s happening on the date today, only that it’s been left in Chris Harrison’s hands.

A List of Chris Harrison’s Date Ideas:

Making you into a human candle

Slaughtering babies

Going to a Speculum Museum

Creating enemies

Drinking mimosas from human skulls

This is why they haven’t let this man plan a date on this show before.

They meet Chris Harrison at what only be described as a Murder Warehouse8 and he’s holding a sledgehammer. In case you’re wondering what my nightmares are like, it’s this. Chris Harrison in a button-down and jacket with no tie, holding a fucking sledgehammer. Basically, the entire premise is “Becca, you say you’re over Arby, but production isn’t quite yet, so why don’t you smash some of his shit with sledgehammers?” Y’all, did you know Arby and Becca broke up? There are TV monitors playing her proposal like some demented Truman Show, the couch he broke up with her on, and Arby’s racecar. We get it, production. The metaphor has been handed to us on a stick.

Also, this is a dream date of mine, but with just general shit. I want to smash stuff.

Then Lil’ Jon shows up and I yelled “GIVE HIM THE ROSE, BECCA!!!!!!!!!!!” I have no idea why Lil’ Jon is there other than to DJ the destruction. It’s perfectly scored to “Turn Down For What” because this show really is permanently in 2014. Regardless, Becca and Blake are getting along. Their arms are sore! Becca was nervous but not because of Blake. They already knew what they were in for and so they were relaxed. Becca points out that this show is a lot like dating in reverse - basically, you’ve already picked this person as your life partner, now get to know them - and how that created an environment where she fell for someone quicker than she thought possible. What a fascinating dynamic, honestly, and it’s amazing how simply summarized the concept of this show is. People always say “How do they do this so quickly, how can they say they’re in love after a few days?” When you’re isolated with nothing else to do but think about the possibility of a life with the only person in your vicinity, combined with someone coming into your room to talk to you only about that One Person and your relationship with them, you’d do the same. This is why distractions are good in love. When you first fall in love, keep yourself busy9.

Blake unleashes his trauma - he fell for a girl who said she loved him early on, and then everything changed and she broke up with him out of the blue not even a week later. Damn, that’s savagery. He can appreciate her being there and opening up again after her heartbreak, because he’s struggling with that. Blake gets the first one-on-one rose.

Back at the house, there’s a...

DATE CARD!!!!!!!!!

Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Christon, Trent, Leo, Wills, and Colton are on the date card. Which means none for Andrew Keegan / Jason or Mike.

The guys on the group date head onto a school bus and head to a field, where Becca is waiting for them. Colton confirms his virgin status by talking about how good Becca smells - she looks good, but smells better? What? Shut up, Colton. Your facial hair isn’t enough for your chin.

They head into a gymnasium, where the men are immediately greeted by eight-year-olds throwing balls at them. The kids are there to show them dodgeball and make sure they know how to dodge a ball like Becca dodged Arby. My absolute favorite is these kids just reading these grown men to filth. One of the boys calls the men trash and asks if Becca wants trash, and I literally laughed for a solid hour.

The pink team takes the strategy to hide behind Becca because no one’s going to hit The Bachelorette, right? Wrong. Christon is just pelting her with balls. Dodgeball is a serious sport, despite what these people think. We get another occurrence of Fred Willard, who I really hope was adequately paid for this appearance because he looks like he’d rather be in bed. As quickly as the game starts it devolves into this year’s NBA finals - Leo vs. the Green Team, if Leo is Lebron James and the Green Team is the Golden State Warriors.

CAN I GET A MOMENT AND A PAT ON THE BACK FOR MY SPORTS KNOWLEDGE????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I’LL WAIT. I’LL WAIT. I know y’all are shocked.

Becca’s shocked Leo, who is a stuntman, is good at dodging injury in dodgeball. Becca. Come ON. But the audience is living for Leo, the Last Man Standing. Eventually he’s defeated and the Green Team is the victor, but Becca’s got her eyes on him, so that’s what matters.

At the After-After Party, the guys are all on top of the world. It’s the opposite vibe from the other group date, so of course someone’s gonna come in and fuck it all up. Garrett and Becca talk about whether it was weird to get the First Impression Rose and then be sequestered into Group Date category. Garrett talks a lot about himself and calls himself the male version of Becca. Wills has the best sense of fashion out of the house, full-stop. They do rapid-fire questions, my favorite form of getting to know someone. Becca wants a relationship like her parents, and Wills does too. Wills gets emotional talking about his parents and his family, and I love Wills!!!!!!!

Is Wills my new Wells?

Colton and Becca sit down and Colton’s got something big to reveal to Becca. He tells Garrett that before filming started he had a fling with Tia from Arby’s season. I love the underlying message here: I was dating the girl who probably would have been The Bachelorette if Arby hadn’t smashed Becca’s heart. Colton, without a doubt, is there because he thought Tia would be The Bachelorette.

We’ve had the dynamic of “they hung out before and came on the show to date this person”, namely in the case of Kaitlyn Bristowe and Nick Viall. There’s no doubt in my mind this was the intentions of everyone involved - Tia, Colton, and production. There were rumors of Luke Pell, when he was still a contender for The Bachelor, taking previous Bachelor contestants and various women that if they came on the show for him, he’d guarantee them a spot in the final four and they’d get the chance to “date” while on the show. This is what cost Luke the position as The Bachelor. Colton either a) went on the show for Tia and stayed along for the ride with the hopes of getting to Paradise and (likely) dating Tia or b) is there for the Instagram followers and the fame that comes with it. The timeline doesn’t make any sense.

Colton tells Becca that he dated her friend for a few months and that it fizzled out because it was getting too serious too quickly even though they had a connection. Which is why he proceeded to go on a show where the end goal is a quick engagement? Get the fuck out of here with that logic, Colton. You also dated Aly Raisman - you’re a starfucker. He takes a long pause when he says “I’m here…. To get to know you.” He’s not, he’s there for the Instagram ads. Becca doesn’t send him home immediately like I would. He’s basically admitting to not being there for The Right Reasons, Becca!!!!!! You already had one dude choose another girl over you, and you’re into the one who has a high likelihood of doing the same thing? It’s salting a wound that already exists. Becca feels sick to her stomach about it, but doens’t sent him home on the spot.

To me, that’s production intervention. But that’s just me.

My New Boyfriend Wills gets the group date rose, but it’s begrudging.

At the cocktail party, Becca arrives in this gorgeous cobalt blue sparkly dress that is easily on par with my favorite Bachelorette Look, Joelle from The Final Five Elimination form her season. She looks gorgeous. More of this, less of the red lace, blarg.

Clay takes Becca outside and teaches her the Art of the Celebration Dance. Sometimes Clay comes off a little robotic, and I wonder if he’s just got a lack of experience with women. Which isn’t a bad thing. For a professional football player, it’s a little shocking. He’s so smooth though, because he uses what would be a “helmet bump” with his teammates to parlay a little smooch in there.

Venmo wrote Becca a poem, and he is too good to last. Venmo, call me. Connor (I think?) gives Becca a picture of himself from the mud date and they both fling his picture across the pool in order to make peace. Meanwhile, Jordan is trying to set himself apart from the other guys. He really wants Becca to know his personality, so he decides the best way to show her that is to get naked and parade through the mansion.

I mean, thus far, Jordan has done a great job of teling us his personality is basically just Being Good Looking, so this is one way to show your personality. Jordan also thinks that nothing attracts women more than being comfortable next to a sexy man, which is a very simplistic way of thinking. I’ve been comfortable around sexy men, but barely. Also, they were fully clothed at the time.

He parades past the other men in his boxer briefs and interrupts Becca’s time with David, who immediately gets his feathers ruffled10. Becca is amused, but David feels disrespected. Jordan doesn’t want Becca to get the wrong idea of him - he likes to live life on the edge, he likes to be a classy gentleman, which is why he’s sitting next to her in his skivvies on the couch. Meanwhile, David’s rattled and is immedaitely questioning Jordan’s intentions. Jordan is the kind of guy who wants to pass his name along to his son and wants to call his son Jordi, which I’m pretty sure is the name of a porn star.

What David hasn’t realized, though, is that every season has a Jordan - the guy who pushes buttons just by having a personality - and every season there’s a guy whose skin he gets under and that becomes their main focus. I’m sad it’s my boyfriend David, but I also have Venmo, Wills, and Blake in my back corner for moments like this.mp3. Last season it was Whaboom and Blake. The season prior? Alex and Chad. David also got upset earlier in the episode when Lincoln cheated and didn’t feel the need to say anything then, even though he had a legitimate reason to. Be more assertive, dude. Don’t try to approach an irrational person with rationality like you do Jordan. He doesn’t care what you think, and clearly none of the other guys are as butthurt about Jordan’s annoying behavior as you are. Jordan knows what his purpose on the show is, and he’s not going to be shamed because he literally cannot feel shame.

Also, David - you came in wearing a chicken suit last week. You’re kinda the last guy who has a leg to stand on when it comes to this.

Becca sits down with Colton and they try to unpack their conversation from prior. He wants to make sure Becca knows the reason that he’s there - to get to know her / Instagram ads - and she can trust him.

BECCA NOOOOOOO GET AWAY.

Becca talks to Chris Harrison for the thirty seconds he’s allowed for himself to be on set that day and basically tells him it’s been a hard week, but he’s like “okay, it’s time to send someone home so I can go home!!!!”

The rose ceremony starts.

Chris, Andrew Keegan / Jason, Venmo John, Clay, Mike, Connor (I think?), Leo, Chicken Daddy Bae David, Garrett, Nick, Ryan (Who I think is Mystery Bae from last week, good GOD he is fine), Christon, Jordan - with a bonus struggle to pin the rose to his blanket because of course someone in production didn’t have him change, Lincoln, and Colton are all safe.

That means bye to my mom’s dream man, Rickey, Trent, and Alex, who gives us some drunken man tears on his way out that are unintentionally hilarious.

Next Week: We’re playing some football! Jason / Andrew Keegan and Chris get some private time! Tia, Sienne, Kendall, Bekah, and Caroline are all there from Arby’s season to help the guys, and of course that’s why Colton was allowed to stay for another week, because they want to show us the love triangle of Tia/Colton/Becca. Tia totally seems liek the kind of girl who would flirt with your man in front of you. David’s white knighting Becca about Jordan. And oooh, there’s an ambulance? Someone’s fucking hurt.

See you next week!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

So many of these guys look the same. Oh my god. Someone tell me the difference between Connor and Garrett. I really think they put them on separate group dates so Becca would remember they’re not the same person.

My mom’s picks for men this season:

Jordan is trying to be this season’s Corinne and I am not about it. I wasn’t about her, either, though.

THE LIGHTING ON THIS SHOW IS SUCH A MESS.

I really don’t like the narrative that these guys are solely here so Becca can forget another guy. Why does she have to forget him? She doesn’t even have to forgive him. It’s a part of her story, of who she is as a person. You’re as much of a person because of the pain you’ve felt as the great parts of your life. Arby is rubbish, but we must at least acknowledge his place and impact on her life. Also, replacing one trash dude with another doesn’t help.

Of course Jordan describes himself as an alpha.

I really think the reason I don’t like Lincoln is because he really does act like one of those black guys whose entire idea of success is a white wife. Like, achieving whiteness is his ultimate goal. He’s so phony, so calculated, and I don’t trust him.

I’m really struggling with coming up with a nickname for Becca. Like, I tried Bex, but I feel like Bex is going to be better served for Bekah Martinez on Paradise and her disappearing ass. Gimme suggestions in the comments.

Becca looks like June Diane Raphael, fully confirming that The Bachelorette and Burning Love are the same show.

Chris looks like Perez Hilton, 90s-era Adam Goldberg, and Ben Stiller in Dodgeball all rolled up into one rat-like person. Like, his face is permanently in “I smelled something bad” mode.

Related: Ben Stiller should get some residuals considering this season is basically full of men based on characters he has played.

I do want to take back a lot of that harsh things I said about Bryan last season. Yes, he had too many fillers put in and I did just have a thing for Peter ripping off his sweater in his breakup with Rachel, but damn. Those two have stood the test of time (or at least a year, longer than a lot of these other relationships have) and here we are. Their Instagram stories are my favorite. He loves her so much. She got him to stop putting so much filler in his cheeks. It’s all good. Plus, damn. He was lookin FINE in this episode. Get it, Rachel. ↩︎

Between him and Christina from America’s Next Top Model 24, I never want to hear the phrase “I’m a model” again. PS: Have you heard my podcast yet? ↩︎

Connor calls this a “good little bathroom break” - dude, are you advocating peeing yourself on a date? DUDE. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE. ↩︎

I swear to god this show is trying to kill people. ↩︎

This is what Rihanna was singing about. ↩︎

Is this the first time anyone can think of where the black guy is calling the white guy aggressive and scary? This is refreshing. ↩︎

You know how my type is just Shoulders? Yeah, my type is definitely Shoulders in Sweaters. Yum. ↩︎

It’s an off-shoot of the Men’s Warehouse - you take the Toxic Masculinity Tunnel to get there. ↩︎

I actually just rewatched the episode of The Office where Michael thinks he has herpes and contacts all of his exes, only to realize he has a fantasy problem and a problem with romanticizing relationships with a revisionist history of what truly went on. Much like Michael, I understand wanting your life to be an epic story, including the Happily Ever After. But after thinking about this… I mean. If Michael had been more focused on his job like he should have been, maybe it wouldn’t have worked out for him that way? Then again, he might have married Jan. ↩︎

So they had to go and start this season by salting the wound of Becca and Arby’s breakup, didn’t they?

Welcome back to Romance vs. Reality, I’m your lead and only blogger, Amanda. Kill me now, we’re here for the fourteenth go-around of La Bachelorette, a carousel made up of social media participants and erectile dysfunction specialists. Our princess this season is Becca Kufrin, a last name I struggle with for no specific reason other than I just feel like I’m emphasizing the wrong syllable. Coming after Rachel, The First Black Bachelorette and Resident Queen Regnant of this blog1, and her, well, disaster of a season, I’m terrified.

I’m going to do a full analysis of our Mantestants later on, but I’ll put it frankly: I am not excited. I am newly single, and man. Pickings are slim out there. It’s dangerous waters, y’all. And I live in a city of like, seven million people. I can understand now why people find the first person they can in high school and piss on their legs for forty years2. Becca, however, dodged a bullet in this case, because Arby remains and always will be human trash. Oscar the Grouch literally lives in a trash can and is looking to get rehomed because of the association, maybe somewhere not on Sesame Street.

Arby’s legacy has impacted Sesame Street. And Oscar the Grouch is notorious for loving trash. I mean... same? But I do not love Arby. Arby is the human embodiment of Garbage Island, the island that is floating in the Pacific Ocean, collecting all of our plastic bottles and general other garbage and polluting our waters. Honestly to call Arby garbage isn’t ruthless enough. It doesn’t get the point across. Even calling him Arby, a restaurant that probably doesn’t deserve such a harsh association, feels cruel.

Arby is rubbish.

I mean, I know a lot of things about myself, but:

And Arby is the Standard of Trash To Which I Now Hold All Men. I will be ranking the men this season on the Rubbish Arby Scale.

Note: I am not even a full minute into the episodea, and I have a lot of feelings.

We have to relive the torturous final moments of Becca and Rubbish Arby’s relationship again, because ABC is basically going to milk this moment for everything it’s worth. We see Becca walking through some snow, searching for her future or whatever metaphor the powers that be are going after this season. She thought she had found her future, but nope! That future is off getting married to the human embodiment of an unflavored Fage Yogurt3. Becca is ready to find love because her parents were in love until her dad’s untimely death and guess what? It’s her turn now.

My favorite part of every season is the girls who are like, “I can’t believe I’m The Bachelorette? All I had to do was unleash a ton of my personal trauma on national television and ABC will pay me to wear sequin dresses and shank dudes’ hearts now!” I do love that Arby is actually banned from Minnesota, though. I mean, I don’t think he’s running to go to Minnesota any time soon, but the fewer options Arby has to spread his rubbish sludge, the better. We see Becca go through her Bachelorette Photoshoot4 and show how she’s a Strong Woman in both demeanor and physical strength at a acrobatic silks class.

I’m tentative.

Becca arrives at The Bachelor Mansion, where our three past Bachelorettes, all engaged but none married, are waiting for her with mimosas. Honestly, I would like to hang out with these three girls. Rachel and I could just... you know, be black together and I would ask Joelle about home design and Kaitlyn and I could dance. Tag me in, Becca. TAG ME IN. Rachel tells Arby to go fuck himself and basically is a queen the entire time. They all rave about the experience and how great it was for all of them - take away the fantasy and really consider real life. Rachel and Joelle talk about the fact that the women have a better track record on The Bachelorette (true) because they approach the situation with more nuance than the men do. And that’s true. To me, the men of The Bachelor are looking for someone to project their dreams onto, and the women are approaching it with a real sense of opportunity.

Rachel proceeds to sage the entire mansion, Becca’s ring finger, her vagina, and they’re never going to get rid of the stench of toxic masculinity, Axe body spray, and desperation. That’ll be there forever. That's in the fibers of the couches.

Okay, let’s talk about Becca’s first night dress. I know people are divided on it, but I think it’s a banger, okay? I mean, I wish it wasn’t ivory, but the all overbeadwork and the art-deco style is gorgeous. I also love the neckline, because Becca has great shoulders. The pairing of that with those dramatic teardrop earrings was stunning. It sparkles in the light, it’s a dress meant to be on television, not caught in a still shot.

LET’S MEET THE MEAT, SHALL WE?

First up is Clay, who is 30, and is a pro football player. Great, because now I have to worry about you getting CTE and argue with you about standing for the national anthem? Oh, Clay played for Detroit, though. I can’t be mad at him. Also, CLAY IS A DREAMBOAT. We see him at dinner with his family and his cute grandma. Clay is there For Becca, for sure.

We met Garrett, who starts with a Chris Farley impression. In 2018. A Chris. Farley. Impression. Chris Farley’s corpse is turning over and over and over in his grave. Oh my god, of course Garrett is from Reno. Reno gives me such Second City vibes. Not like the improv group, but like, the city you go to when you don’t have anywhere else to go, like Cincinnati or Tallahassee. Garrett is active because of course, but he wants a companion to do outsidey things with.

Oh god, we meet Jordan, who is 26, and a professional model. I already am going to safely call him this season’s Robb(ie). Jordan is the kind of guy who’s hot in certain lights but then other times you’re like “man, give some chin to other people!” He has a lot of chin, and his meticuliously carved “scruff” isn’t helping matters much. Oh god. Jordan starts out talking about his Brand, a phrase I only say ironically. I am literally shaking with rage. Jordan’s an unironic Derek Zoolander. He considers having to be tan and using salt spray to be “taxing”. He’s excited for once to finally be focusing on someone else for a change, and all he wants to do is sit on a couch with a box of chocolates with Becca in sweatpants and watch a chick flick. Jordan claims a lot of models don’t do that.

Someone want to notify Jordan that a good number of male models are gay men who would definitely do that? Anyone?

Next up is Lincoln, who we’ve already met on After The Final Rose. Lincoln is from Nigeria and he’s #blessed to be in the United States. He’s ready to get married and ready to settle down. That’s all. Boring. Joe From Chicago owns a grocery store, and as soon as this comes out of his mouth I’m in love with him. My full on Type is Man from Chicago Who Owns A Grocery Store. Joe’s ready to settle down and knows when he finds the right one, he’ll know.

Jean-Blanc comes on screen and I can hear my mom yelling “THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND AMANDA” from the six-hundred-something miles away that she is. Jean-Blanc collects “accoutrements”, and oh my god, my mom might be right. Jean-Blanc likes stuff. Watches, ties, cologne, all the extra shit no one really needs but it’s nice to have. I mean, I hate wearing perfume, but if a man can find a blend that works for him and isn’t overpowering? Great. Dope. Totally down. We see him opening Viktor & Rolf’s Spice Bomb, a Curve cologne??? And others from the Checkout Aisle From Marshalls and TJMaxx Collection. He’s going to “blow her nose away”, a phrase I’m shocked Jordan didn’t use because you knnnnnnoooow Jordan loves a little nose candy. Sorry, it’s true.

Colton is another football player so this season is full of men with experience getting concussions. Also, can we stop making men named Colton football players? Colton got injured in his last season, so he decided to give up football forever and now runs a charity to change the lives of cystic fibrosis sufferers. Okay, I can’t even talk shit. Damn charity.

Becca heads in the limo to meet Chris Harrison and the 29 other garbage men that will create the Advent Calendar of Regret that is The Bachelorette. Chris Harrison is on screen for the perfect amunt of time - like, thirty seconds, before our first limo full of mediocrity arrives. First out? Charitable Colton, who is firmly placed in the top two, officially. He wants to celebrate Becca being bachelorette and brought confetti poppers, which is actually not the worst initial interaction for these two people to have. It’s actually... cute?

God, help me.

We meet Grant, who both tells Becca he respects her for what she’s gone through but also wants her to forget all of it - way to help with THAT, Grrrrrant. Clay comes out and talks about football and makes a football pun and is cute and everything. Jean Blanc has a French name and teaches Becca some French, which is a mess. Of course, he has her translate “Let’s do the damn thing”, and god I hope it’s the last time we hear that this season, but that’s not true. Connor is a fitness coach and gets down on one knee in front of Becca. Don’t retrigger the girl.

Oh god, not even two mintes after I said I never wanted to hear “let’s do the damn thing”, here comes Connor with it all over again. God damn this show.

Another limo arrives and out comes Joe From Chicago Who Owns A Grocery. He immediately forgets what he has to say as soon as he sees Becca and JOE I WILL TAKE YOU. John walks the wrong way into the house, and Leo arrives looking like he was trying to do a Miss Geist from Clueless costume and forgot to do his hair before leaving the house. It is not a good look, I literally slid to the ground and cackled when he came out5. He proceeds to take his hair down and swish it around like he’s fucking Fabio.

Jordan comes out of the limo and Becca says hi, and he doesn’t respond. Because that is the kind of person Jordan is. He’s the kind of man who wants to say hello first. Jordan wasn’t expecting Becca to be wearing ivory, which is just a weird thing to say. His shoes are loud as fuck, too. Jordan spent six hours on his outfit and is like, “I’m wearing a grey suit, it’s daring.”

No, Obama wearing a khaki suit is daring. Klein Epstein and & Parker Suits are daring. A heather grey suit with a blue tie is like putting a jalapeno in your guacamole. You’re not exactly living on the edge.

Nick arrives dressed like a racecar driver because only assholes wear outfits like that. Nick is... god, I can’t figure out if Nick is hot or not. I do appreciate Leo being ike, “yeah, reminding this girl of her ex? NOT A GOOD LOOK.”

So of course Mike, the other long-haired dude with a fucking man bun in god damn 2018, comes in with a cardboard cut-out of Becca’s ex. STOP TRIGGERING THIS WOMAN. That isn’t charming, that’s weird. I didn’t look up my ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends until like, a solid year into our relationship. I mean, it wasn’t the same way on his end6 but I think if I were to lead this show I’d specifically ask them NOT to mention my ex, if possible. Like, at all.

Garrett arrives in a minivan, and it’s full of soccer balls and a baby bag and he’s just trying to set the correct tone. I literally sat grimacing the entire time he was on screen. I hate Garrett already.

My second favorite part of the season premiere is the men being like “wow, there’s a lot of dudes here”. What did y’all expect?

Blake arrives on an... ox? After already meeting Becca with a horse at After The Final Rose? Becca’s right in wondering where he’s getting all of these animals from. I feel bad for the poor intern that needs to take care of Blake’s animals. Lincoln, the other guy who met Becca at After the Final Rose, and he brought Becca cake. Lincoln and Blake are both feeling confident because they’ve already met her before. We see a bunch of other dudes we’ve met before - Darius, Chase, Banjoist Ryan. The 24 other guys are intimidated because clearly they have some sort of leg up in the competition because they’ve been with her for ten seconds four months ago. I’m sure Darva Conger would agree with them that this is a solid grounding to form bonds over. It ended so well for her.

They basically show all the black guys back to back and a bunch of other nonfactors meeting Becca.

And then there’s Kamil, who is wearing sneakers with his suit and his job is “social media participant” which is effectively like putting “Air Breather” as your job in 2018. He only walks halfway to Becca and makes her come the other half to meet him, and then moves back further and is like “yeah, what about 60/40?” And honestly, this is the best depiction of heterosexual dating in 2018 I’ve ever seen and Kamil is literally telling Becca Who He Is in their initial interaction. 60/40, my ass. Becca is unamused by this and tries to turn it around on him, and he won’t engage.

Ya donzo, Social Media Participant.

Jake shows up, and Becca knows who he is. He’s an acquaintance and she’s confused because... Oh, okay? That’s super weird. I totally get why that’s weird. Production comes in with morbid music as a hearse drives up. Trent pops out and says he literally died when he found out Becca was Bachelorette, and I cackled. I can’t help it. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever witnessed.

Jordan is here to show off his sartorial choices and doesn’t understand the other shlubs who showed up. I hate that I kind of agree with him? But then again, I intend my wedding attire to be Elevated Black Tie. I want the men to show up in basically butler’s uniforms and the women to look like Lady Gaga. Just put a little more effort in - Becca’s standing there in a backless beaded gown, the least you can do is put on a god damn tie.

Oh, of course someone comes in in a chicken suit. David is both a chicken and a venture capitalist, which is my least favorite thing. He has to wear that suit all night long. Jordan is #unamused, which is hilarious. I do appreciate the “bekaw/Becca” wordplay. Chris arrives with a fucking choir who sings about getting a rose, and I’m just... Okay. This would be teeeeewwwww much for me.

Okay, we’ve got twenty-eight men. And none of them are winners. Good LUCK, Becca. Becca makes her first toast, and immediately Connor is the first one to whisk her away. The guys are genuinely shocked but y’all, that’s how the game is PLAYED. He opens a bottle of champagne with a kitchen knife, and it’s impressive, but not a saber like is to be expected or standard. Color me unimpressed, Connor.7 Clay and Becca play with Clay, and I love that. I mean, who doesn’t love adults playing with play-doh? Clay is from a small town and talks about his values and how they grew from growing up where he did. He talks about how excited he was to meet her, and I smile. Clay is too good for this show.

ONE OF THE DUDES MADE THE APP FOR VENMO AND WHAT IS HE DOING HERE? DAMN, ABC.

Chris uses the fact that his grandparents got married after two months and have been together almost 60 years to get Becca to believe that Chris is all about this. Chris looks far too much like Perez Hilton for my liking and just for that, I hate him with a firey passion.8 Christon is a former Harlem Globetrotter and so he’s gonna show her how he can dunk a ball from her own hands. He DUNKED Becca, jumping OVER her head, and it...

It’s actually marvelous. Like, damn. I mean, he’s a Harlem Globetrotter. He better be able to dunk on command.

Blake and Becca are on the same page, which is shocking because Blake is basically dressed like Hugh Hefner. Chris Harrison comes in, drops off the First Impression Rose, and walks out to go put his pajamas back on. All the guys are immediately shooketh by it.

Lincoln brought Becca a bracelet from Nigeria, and we get a montage of the stunts these guys are pulling to impress Becca. David the Chicken Venture Capitalist leads Becca in the chicken dance and we’re supposed to be impressed by him becuase he’s literally in a chicken suit but he has a Serious Career.

We get to watch the Anxiety Set In for the men who haven’t had a chance to talk to Becca yet, especially Jordan. He pretends like it doesn’t bother him, he’s just playing it cool, but come on. Garrett shows Becca how to fish, and if a dude did this to me, I’d yawn. Garrett reminds Becca of home, of her dad, and she thinks he’d totally fit in with her family. Oh no.

Chris / Perez Hilton / Ben Stiller in Dodgeball has realized someone is There For the Wrong Reasons. Chase, who met Becca on After the Final Rose, is suspected by Chris. I’m suspicious of both of them simply because they’re both from Orlando, Florida unapologetically. Chris knows Chase’s ex-girlfriend and apparently she told Chris that he’s just there for publicity. They all think Chris needs to confront Chase. I can’t tell you who told him this because we’re still at the point of the season where all the men kind of look the same. I think it’s Christon and Blake, but I’m not sure.

The drama has already begun. I'm sad it's not someone getting black out drunk like it usually is.

Chris takes Chase aside to tell him what the deal is, and Chase of course denies all of this. I mean, what’s he going to do, stand there and admit do it? He confirms he’s there for the Right Reasons, and he’s there for Becca. My favorite is that he admits to have been watching this show for years with his mom, so of COURSE he’s NOT THERE FOR FAME. I don’t understand this thought process as a defense.

Chase immediately runs to Becca to tattle on Chris for being skeptical. Chase, who looks perpetually constipated, never found out what this girl told Chris, but he’s vehemently denying whatever it is and isn’t That Guy, whatever guy his ex he only dated for a month told Chris he was. Like damn, Chase. You musta done something. Becca doesn’t really know what to do with any of that information because Chase is leaving out the part where he’s the asshole.

Chase goes and grabs Chris (????) because they’re settling the drama right then and there. Chase denies ever dating this girl with any kind of seriousness and they’re both... gross. Becca clearly doesn’t know what to do because the story doesn’t add up. If it was two years ago and someone he only a dated a month, what’s the issue at hand? It’s so weird. Becca is as turned off as I am, and this mostly reminds her of someone she met earlier that she was turned off by initially.

She comes to get Jake, because his intentions are watery at best. They have the same group of friends back in Minnesota but have never interacted, and so it’s super weird that he showed up here trying to date her. Like, dude, you actually had a chance before to at least try to. Becca doesn’t think he showed her any interest in the previous times they’ve met, and Jake doesn’t remember meeting her more than one time. He remembers one time they met, but not... multiple times.

I scoffed so hard a little bit of phlegm came out. TMI, I know. But still.

Jake is excited to be there and get to know her, but Becca isn’t on board, and rightfully so. I’ve had people meet me multiple times and have zero recollection and I’m offended. Here comes Jake, having met Becca multiple times and admittingly having no recollection of doing so, coming onto this show to try to date her? Really? When in real life he never tried to in the first place? Most people aren’t as transparent as Jake is with their intentions, but it’s so clear that Jake thought he’d be able to parlay the fact that they knew each other before into a relationship.

But if we’ve met before and you didn’t show any interest then, how am I expected to take you seriously now that we’re on TV? Becca all but says as much but tells him she knows what it feels like to have someone question her relationship with them and she’s not going to do that again. Jake tries to be like “but what about meEEEEEEE and MY FEELINGS” and Becca shuts that shit right down because she is not here for his whataboutism. Neither of them did anything when they met before, and it’s not about who did what in this scenario. She’s holding the god damn key and him coming on this show in the first place was fucked up. She doesn’t want to waste his time and knows she doesn’t see a future with him. She’s sending him home ASAP.

He tells her that he’s not the same person she met at some mysterious Christmas Party and has had a “transformative year” - uh you’re telling this to the woman who got dumped on national television, your transformation is nothing compared to hers - and he’s a different person. He thinks if they met again, it would have a different result. I’m sure it would, Jake, but you lost your chance. Sorry. He says he respects how she feels and he’s going home.

Jake was one of the most attractive men there, but man, this was G R O S S.

Becca announces to the men that Jake is going home first, and they’re all terrified.

There is a grown ass man with an “expecto patronus” Harry Potter tattoo, and yeah, he’s got some nonsense “it’s different in Latin” translation, but I’m just happy the black guy doesn’t have a Death Eater tattoo8. Colton talks about his charity, and the First Impression Rose is still there.

But not for long, because here comes Becca to grab it and offer it to...

Garrett.

All the guys are visibly gutted. I don’t know why, the best thing about Garrett is his tie. I love a pink and blue tie. He gets the first kiss of the season, too. Garrett’s thrilled.

Back inside, Chris Harrison has changed back into his suit for about ten minutes to gather Becca before the first Rose Ceremony. At this point, I also see a guy who I haven’t seen thus far, and went “PHOARRRRRRRR” because he was so hot. WHO ARE YOU, ANONYMOUS HOTTIE? I love that Jordan’s like, “It wouldn’t be fair to Becca if I didn’t get a rose tonight.” I’m on my third season of saying this, but I love when the contestants think their feelings matter at all in this scenario.

The Rose Ceremony begins.

Lincoln, Blake, Rickey, Jean-Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan9, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David The Chicken Venture Capitalist, Jordan, Leo, Mike, and Chris all accept roses.

That means Chris’s plan to get rid of Chase worked. Which it never does. On The Bachelorette, The Messenger usually gets shot.

Bye to Chase, Christian, Darius, Grant, Joe, and Kamil, all to face the cold light of day. Y’all stayed up all night for this.

BUT NOOOOOOOO, NOT GROCERY STORE JOE, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I’ll keep you warm in those Chicago winters, Joe. Now that My (ex)-boyfriend Wells is dating someone far more famous than I am, I’m in the market. Call me.

This Season, on The Bachelorette: This season isn’t the most dramatic ever, according to Chris Harrison. This time, it’s an adventure. Lots of beach kissing! All the guys are like “Arby’s dumb for losing this girl.” Colton, Jean Blanc, and Nick all tell Becca they’re in love with her. And then - TEARS. LOTS OF THEM. Someone did to Becca what Arby did, and whoever it is, I AM COMING FOR YOUR EDGES. Lincoln is a liar and a manipulator? Jordan, who is clearly there to boost his modeling career, takes it very personally for people to attack his character on television. That… doesn’t help with people thinking you’re just there to boost your modeling career, Jordan. Colton, of course, is a virgin, and apparently this may or may not be a lie? Who lies about something like that? Becca’s pissed. She just wants honesty from these fuckboys, and girl, you better have stocked up in fuckboy repellent. All she wants is their honesty from here on out. And then someone’s getting taken off in an ambulance. But it’s all going to end in an engagement that has allegedly already been spoiled by TMZ/the Powers that Be at ABC trying to scoop Reality Steve, so that’s what we have to look forward to.

See you next week! It’s great to be back.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Becca is only a year older than I am, and this is really sending me spiraling. I know we’ve had girls younger than I am on this show, but I never really contextualized that until I saw 1990 next to Becca’s name. I am so OLD.

This season’s batch of men makes me never want to be The Second Black Bachelorette™. If these are the best options, I’ll barf.

I know she’ll be on Paradise because come on no brainer, but man - I am so happy The Bachelorette is not Tia. Oh man, am I happy it’s not Tia.

I know everyone talks about how amazing Joelle’s hair is, but Becca. Gorgeous hair.

How tall is Becca? She looks like she’s my height.

Jordan is going to be this season’s Chad. At least we’re going back to the Douchebag Villain and not the Racist Villain again.

I really loved that all the guys were like “if the guy in a chicken suit gets a rose over me, life means nothing.” Oh, to have never struggled a day in your life.

Jordan, are you really a fashion model if you’re from Crystal Ocean Spray, Florida?

All of these men look like 90s Teen Film Villains. Like, this is a cast of Andrew Keegans and Paul Walkers.

Elizabeth who? ↩︎

I mean, kind of? No, I don’t. I really don’t. Can someone explain this to me? I feel like that’s resigning yourself to a lifetime of mediocre sex because you haven’t experienced anything else. ↩︎

I went with Fage because Bobby Flay, the whitest man I can think of, was their brand representative for a moment. Why is Bobby Flay the whitest man I can think of? He has a show where he literally competes with people to prove he’s good. I don’t need that, I literally have MY LIFE. ↩︎

Things that are interesting to only me: after two years of having the lead on a white background in a red dress (Joelle and Rachel), they’re back to the metallic-colored sequin dress (Kaitlyn and Andi), but Becca’s on a grey background. Both Emily and Desiree had what honestly looks like satin prom dresses from JCPenney. This matters to literally no one else.  ↩︎

The least surprising thing about Leo is that he’s a stuntman. Of course he is. Stuntmen either look like him or look like... well, what I imagine Joe From Chicago Who Owns A Grocery Store’s uncles probably look like. ↩︎

boundaries.

↩︎

Some other guy who is a real estate agent is like, “you never buy the first house,” which reminds us this show is doing really good things for gender progress in America. (/s) ↩︎

Seriously, has anyone with a Death Eater tattoo realized they’re just telling the entire world they’d be a proud racist wizard? ↩︎ ↩︎

We’re back on the couch where Brittany has left Jax, and considering we know they’re still together in the off-season, this is all arbitrary bullshit. We’re supposed to pretend like Jax is really upset that Brittany left, which is hilarious. He keeps saying he sucks at relationships but he just plain old sucks, in my humble opinion. He heads down to Tom and Katie’s to try to get some sympathy. He calls himself a “decent human being”, and Katie pulls a face.

Y’all know that’s really rich, like Scrooge McDuck rich.

Jax tells the Maloney-Schwartzes that he broke up with Brittany, and they’re both slackjawed and shocked. Jax tried to break up with someone without being a dick or a douche, which is literally impossible. He had sex with her and and then broke up with her. Even if she did initiate it, Jax, if that was on your list of things to do today, you shouldn’t have had sex with her. He’s like, “hey, sometimes you just need to get off,” and the fact that this man calls himself a decent human being makes me want to crumble inside. We have no human standard for decency when Jax Taylor, who basically lead MK Ultra, thinks he’s a decent person.

Katie is disgusted by him, and welcome to the club.

Schwartz thinks Jax is going to change his mind after a few days, and he’s correct. Jax claims that no, he’s felt like this for a while and there’s no way he’s changing his mind. He’s got to work on himself before he can even consider being in a relationship with someone else.

As someone who literally ended a relationship on this very concept, it’s admirable. Except in Jax’s case, in which it’s entirely an excuse and wholeheartedly performative. We’ve seen Jax blame his behavior on other people for years - hell, we saw it not even a few minutes ago - and it’ll be a cold day in hell when Jax admits fault for his actions. My last relationship deteriorated simply because we were two people on very different wavelengths, and I felt I couldn’t move forward with us until I worked on myself. And guess what?

I’m doing the work. I’m being creative. I’m producing content. I’m learning who I want to be going forward in my life, what kind of person I want to be for the person I settle down with. I don’t see anything wrong with that. What Jax is doing, is basically saying he wants to end things with Brittany for her own benefit because she deserves better than who he is now. As if he’s doing all of this changing for her, otherwise it wouldn’t be happening, because she just makes him feel bad about the shit he pulls. He’s breaking up with her for her own benefit, not his personal growth.

He ain’t gonna do shit.

We’re at Sexy Unique Restaurant! Lisa Vanderpump continues to pretend like she does anytihng more than stand and point at things with a critical eye by talking to the chef about that evening’s specials.

It’s either “Chilean Sea Bass”, which is the standard special at Sexy Unique Restaurant, or “cheese and sea bass”, to which I wonder: who is running this restaurant and how can I have them taken out?

Lala arrives in the least professional outfit ever, but Lisa wants to give her something! It’s a gift, a part of stiletto knee-high lace-up boots, and if you have that many hyphens in a single item of clothing you should just take it off ASAP. Lala loves them, and they’re a good luck gift from Lisa. Lisa is far too generous. Lala gets emotional at putting herself out there and presenting herself to the universe. Rightfully so, this is absolutely terrifying.

What can go wrong in those boots, Vanderpump asks. A lot, Lisa.

A lot.

We’re at Tom and Ariana’s with Jeremy and Billie Lee. Sandoval is mixing cocktails, and Billie Lee just moved into her new apartment. They all get the unfortunate displeasure of being Sandoval’s guinea pigs for cocktails for TomTom, and Ariana wants to make sure that yes, he has cocktails for this restaurant, but also cocktails for their own book, too. Ariana will never let Tom forget this. Tom and Ariana are shockingly going to look at their first apartment that isn’t the trash apartment they’ve been living in for what seems like a thousand years. They’re obsessed with houses and looking at hous-

Oh, we heard from Schwartz. Jax broke up with Brittany, so Sandoval and Schwartz are legally required to run to Jax’s side within 12 hours or they will be dealt a heavy penalty1. Ariana immediately is like “Buuuuull shit, dude, you’re not running to hold Jax’s hand while he pukes this time.” Ariana and Tom were having a perfectly fine night alone at home, and here he is, about to abandon her because Jax fucks up. Ariana has been abandoned by Tom for Jax several times before, and she’s fed up. Tom really doesn’t understand this. He says he’s not babysitting, but Ariana is entirely justified in being annoyed with Tom. No one wants to be second best in their relationship.

Kristen’s at her apartment hanging out with Carter, the human embodiment of that custom-made dildo Abbi ruined on Broad City, and resting her fractured foot. Brittany has done lost her mind clearly because after breaking up with Jax, she’s heading directly to Kristen’s place. No one can believe Jax is fully committed to this breakup, he’s just caught in his feels. Carter’s somewhat over the entire drama with James, Schwartz, Sandoval, and Jax. Kristen is very upset with the fact that Carter doesn’t believe her. She promises not to put herself in situatons that can lead to shit like that again.

Do Carter and Kristen have the most functional relationship on this show?

At Jax’s hotel room, he’s drinking vodka straight by himself with Sandoval and Schwartz come by with “reinforcements” in the form of beer. Schwartz admits that Jax and Brittany probably should call it quits, it’s been over for a while. They all tell him he made the wrong move by having sex with Brittany before breaking up with her, and Jax admits he didn’t even consider Brittany in his decision to take his Fake Florida Job.

At least he has the decency to know where he doesn’t belong and he’s not going to go to Lala’s showcase, because Jax is definitely not welcome there. Both Sandoval and Schwartz are right in telling Jax he shouldn’t be around Brittany at all right now, and Jax DEFINITELY should not go back to their apartment. How long until Jax goes over to their apartment, though?

Brittany arrives at Kristen’s apartment2 with Zach, one of Brittany’s friends from home. She’s been staying in a hotel while she deals with the whole Jax situation and really doesn’t want to be around anyone who works at Sexy Unique Restaurant.

Oh, that’s why she’s hanging out with Kristen.

Brittany’s at her breaking point and doesn’t want to put herself through any of Jax’s shit anymore. Everyone, including me, is relieved. Unfortunately, we all know this is short-lived as hell, but it’s nice to hear Brittany at least say she’s tired of this shit. She’s been strong, not engaging, and she’s horrified by Jax’s behavior. I mean, I’ve been watching this show for nearing on six years, and Brittany’s resilience could end wars, I swear. I’ve been done with Jax for as long as I’ve been out of college.

Kristen brings up Daddy Bae Adam and how he’s a Daddy Bae who is interested in Brittany. And guess what? Brittany slid it to Daddy Bae’s DaddyDMs and gave him her number. Get it, Brittany. I’ve made my feelings on Daddy Bae clear.

He’s a Daddy Bae.

Tom and Ariana are looking at houses? I completely forgot about all of this. There’s a two bedroom, two bathroom house, and they’re totally a couple that should be buying a house together considering they’re on very different pages regarding their future. Namely, children. I mean, Tom wants to have three or four, Ariana wants to have none.

That’s a VERY BIG DIFFERENCE, and are y’all really willing to put up the expense of this when there’s a likelihood it’s not permanent? Just saying3.

They’re both excited to be taking steps forward, and Ariana just wants to make sure that she’s made a priority in their relationship. She doesn’t want to control him or who he hangs out with, but it’s also not acceptable for him to be dropping everything to run to Jax’s side every time Jax fucks up. If he continues to do that, he’s literally going to have no free time.

Over at Sexy Unique Restaurant, the musical cue tells us not to get in their way because they have a game plan. Peter’s getting the dining room set up and Brittany is actually wearing a jacket on her shoulders instead of dramatically draping it on her arms. Stassi is going through a drawer and opens a mysterious package, and Lisa Vanderpump sneaks up beside her and holds a dog up that I swear is stuffed. That dog does not move like it’s alive. Stassi came by to steal candles for Lala’s party, and I cackled at the entire notion. She has balls, I’m not mad at it.

Lisa’s come from Tom Tom and doesn’t think it’s ready for anyone to see it, but Tom and Tom really want people to come over, so she’s just giving in because sometimes it’s easier to do that than to fight about it. Stassi thinks she’s learned that, and Lisa flat out says no, she hasn’t. Lisa asks about Patrick, and Stassi admits to being frustrated by him. She doesn’t know if just loving someone is enough…. She doesn’t even know if she’s happy with him anymore. Lisa tells her it’s not that complicated. I mean, Lisa’s been married since 1874 to a man who waits on her hand and foot. I don’t know if she’s going to be the right person to be giving advice about this. It’s best if she sticks to what she knows best… selling goat cheese balls. Stassi’s there for one reason, and one reason alone. She’s not coming to Sexy Unique Restaurant and NOT getting her goat cheese balls.

Lisa and Stassi the purple room and head into the main area where Brittany is still in her denim jacket and folding napkins. They both approach her like she’s a fragile child who’s has a debhilitating illness4 and talk to her in really high, quiet voices. Brittany’s not going to let Jax’s shit slow her down or stop her from going to work. Stassi tells Brittany not to feel embarrassed, because Jax ain’t shit. Peter literally brings the goat cheese balls to Stassi at the table, and Peter had fulfilled his contractual obligations of the season.

Toms Sandoval and Schwartz are going to a shop to look at uniform options for TomTom. Their options are very bland and a ton of denim shirts that all look the same. They talk about Jax fucking up and then poorly handling it in the aftermath. They don’t buy into the entire idea of their breakup and won’t until it’s at least two months out. Neither of them has any sympathy for Brittany in the slightest because, well, Jax really should just have a shirt that says “Google Me” because that’ll be the perfect deterrent. His reputation is known and clear, and if you really had any questions...

He’s a 75 year old man who goes by the name Jax. What more do you need? Of course he’s going to give you HPV and then blame you for it.

Also, this is super rich coming from Tom Schwartz, who has cheated on his wife... how many times? I rest my case.

Stassi is setting up the area for Lala’s showcase, and she actually did a gorgeous job. She’s shocked to be planning Lala’s performance considering it’s been a road to get there. Lala comes in with James5 and is clearly anxious about what’s to come in their performance. James isn’t going to take all the credit for Lala, but he’s going to take part of the credit for Lala. Her showcase is going to be 13 minutes, which is doesn’t sound like a long time, but can feel like for-fucking-ever. Even one song on stage can feel like fifteen years.

Lisa Vanderpump calls mainly to ask Lala if her 45-year-old boyfriend is coming to her showcase, and Lala is mum on the entire topic. I mean, it is weird for your significant other not to be there, but it’s also weird for one’s boss to call and ask about things like this. It all evens out.

It’s time for Lala’s gig! The gang’s all here - Ariana, Tom, Tom, Scheana, Daddy Bae Adam, Raquel even came out of her box at the toy store to show support. Brittany heads directly to Daddy Bae Adam and she has a Freakum dress on. Like, Brittany is DTF. Lala arrves with her squad, which is basically made up of black guys and the white guys who use them as a reason they can say the n-word. Lala’s wearing those hideous pink velvet lace-up boots Lisa gave her and Katie does a decent job of pretending they’re cute.

They’re hideous. Not even Rihanna could wear those.

I also have an admission: I like Lala’s music. Shoot me. It’s not the worst pop music I’ve heard, and she looks good doing it. I really admire the fact that she somehow doesn’t have a camel toe in that leotard, either.6 I would be insecure about that shit all night on stage. James Kennedy comes out and lipsyncs and Lala, who actually sings against her backing track at least, sounds decent. I love that we get a call back to Scheana’s “showcase” in her tutu and her off-tune auto-tune, because Lala literally looks like she’s an opera singer compared to that.

Lala sits with the girls and thanks them for giving her a second chance and for finally finding her place and her grounding in this group of girls. You the HBIC, Lala. You always have been. Tom&Tom are sitting drunkenly talking about Jax, of course. Jax is falling apart and not in the good “It’s Quiet Uptown” kind of way. They FaceTime with Jax and tell him that Lala crushed it. Jax doesn’t know what’s going on with Brittany or where she’s spending the night, and it’s none of Jax’s business. Jax asks how she is, but that’s also none of Jax’s business anymore. Jax feels worse since he broke up with Brittany, and I’m shocked you can feel worse when your body decayed to the point of disrepair. They’re all having Too Much Fun without Jax at Lala’s showcase, and it’s great.

Lala takes James aside and thanks him for giving her a voice (literally) for making her feel special. She finally has the confidence to start singing, and now she has it. I think their relationship is still very transactional, but it works for them. I’m not mad about it.

Jax is going to see the therapist he saw a few years ago, and he’s hungover. He got drunk by himself the night before and he’s hungover talking about his breakup. Kelsey’s away, so we’re seeing Lindsay this week. Jax takes credit for his relationship’s failure, and admits to having a lack of respect for women or really being willing to work at it. He’s crying, apparently? Brittany’s the first girlfriend he’s had he truly, truly loved. Oh, sorry, Stassi. That must hurt. He’s not sure if he did the right thing by doing the right thing. Sometimes doing the right thing hurts, Jax.

Britttany and Ariana are going over to Brittany’s apartment so she can change. Ariana’s essentially there to protect Brittany from Jax in case he was there. Scheana arrives, and apparently Jax has been blowing up Brittany’s phone with “I love you” and “my life is hard” texts.

Thanks for the boob job, asshole.

Next Week: It’s the season finale! TomTom is a real bar, shockingly. Lisa Vanderpump wants to fire Jax, finally. Patrick talks about Lisa Vanderpump’s ass to her face. Jax wants to keep an apartment in the same building down the hall, and Brittany’s not having it. Oh, Lisa’s not going to fire Jax, she’s just going to hope and pray he resigns. Classic Lisa!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda: * I am obsessed with Tom and Ariana’s cat. * All the women on this show hate Jax so much. * Is Peter growing out his hair again?!?!?! * Oh god, James brought his DAD to Lala’s gig? * I love when Scheana pretends her music career was real. I LOVE IT. * Def gonna be singing “lemme know if I can fuck with you boy,” all week. * This episode was so great becuase there was so little Jax, right?

Sure, it sounds obnoxious, but isn’t that also something these guys would totally do? ↩︎

Kristen’s entire apartment is dark and grey and it really scares me. ↩︎

Ariana is horrified by all of the entire concept of having children, like the actual growth and gestation period and ejection part, much like I am. But I just use that as an excuse. ↩︎

I mean, Jax is pretty damn close. ↩︎

Lala in this scene with no makeup, extensions, none of the gig - looks the most gorgeous she’s been all season. She really is a beautiful girl. ↩︎

Man, this season just blew past, didn’t it?

Thank god. I’m really ready for it to end. As much as I love hating these people, I’m ready to move on to full-on misandry with The Bachelorette.

We resume back on Jax’s tantrum in Sexy Unique Restaurant, which still is second compared to Kristen’s Legendary Suck A Dick Diana Tantrum. But only barely. Jax storms off and punches a telephone booth on his way out. Brittany has to apologize for Jax, something I’m sure she’s used to doing a lot. I’ve apologized for my boyfriend throwing tantrums before, it’s really kind of an impulse more than anything else. Lisa asks Brittany why she apologizes, and it’s because his behavior is associated with her. She’s not going to spend the next 50 years covering his ass. Lisa thinks Brittany enables Jax to his detriment, and I agree. Brittany continues to want to give him a chance, but can’t tell her how many chances he deserves.

Brittany gets emotional talking about Jax, and that’s all we need to hear. As much as pretty much everyone wants her to get the hell out of that relationship, she’s in love with him at the end of the day, and there’s nothing we can do about that, unfortunately.

The next day, we’re back at Sexy Unique Restaurant, and Stassi and Katie are getting ready for Katie’s Powder and Politeness party. Honestly, the real name of her blog is so useless it might as well just be PPPPPPPPPPPP. Katie put her blog on hiatus because she wasn’t happy with herself and how angry she was last year so it made her unable to produce whatever a blog called Pucker and Pout is about1. I mean, I put this blog on hiatus when I got my heart stomped on, but I didn’t throw a party!!!

Pucker and Pout is now its own brand - sure - and they’re partnering with Julie Hewitt for lipsticks, I guess. Katie and Stassi set up balloons and Katie tells Stassi Jax isn’t coming becaus of his tantrum, and Patrick won’t be coming because Stassi can’t handle the emotional gymnastics of being in a relationship with him. Stassi can do so much better than the human embodiment of a man bun. I may have my own personal beef with her, but I still want her not to be with someone as awful as Patrick.

We’re taking it to the next level, according to our next music cue, which is perfect because we’re at Jax and Brittany’s apartment. Jax, someone who is so underground he can’t imagine the next level, is being cared for by his girlfriend, as usual. Brittany is like “honestly, even if you were mad at Scheana and/or Adam, you didn’t need to have a tantrum about it.” Jax maintains that because everyone is in their business, he can’t help but pop off. They’ve all done it, so why is he the only one who gets in trouble for it?

Because you’re the only one who makes the problem worse, Jax.

What occurs next is my favorite thing of the entire season.

I’m sure DJ James Kennedy, Duke of Whatevershire had it contractually obligated that one of his songs appears in an epsiode in his contact. So we’re treated to “Feeling You”, which I have unapologetically called “a low key bop”.

Lala’s headed into the studio to meet James, and she’s thrilled to hear her own voice. Lala is terrified to do her showcase and perform five songs, which is nerve-wracking for anything. James takes credit for finding Lala, and I cackle. The two of them really think they’re Dr. Dre and Eminem, and Dre somewhere lifted up his Beats headphones like “Who?” These two really try it. Lala’s invited everyone to try to come to peace, even Jax. Lala invited Jax primarily for Brittany’s sake, not because she wanted Jax there. She just feels bad for Brittany.

She shouldn’t.

We’re at TomTom, or the carcass that will soon become TomTom, if we’re being more accurate. A lot has been done in six weeks, and it acutally looks like a real bar. Kind of. The Toms share a bar and put on their hard hats because these boys totally think they’re Bob the Builder. They’re preparing for a progress party, and it literally sounds like they’re doing more work for this party set up than they have for the actual bar.

Sandoval wants to make things official, so he gets on one knee and asks Schwartz to officially be his partner by exchanging cufflinks. You know what, I’m pro-friends exchanging jewelry in the same manner as engagements and weddings, so this is great!

Lisa is with Ariana and they’re riding horses. Of course. Lisa calls her horse sexy 100 times and I am sneezing. Lisa and Ariana are talking about Sandoval and his priorities. We hear about Ariana’s cocktail book for the first time all season, and we learn that’s been pushed by the wayside for TomTom after Ariana rearranged her entire project to involve him. Ariana’s afraid of nagging, but she doesn’t want to wait around for him, either.

They talk about Jax’s temper tantrum, and Lisa Vanderpump is not impressed whatsoever. Jax takes out his aggression on everyone else around him, and it’s backfiring now. Lisa’s wondering about Jax’s employment.

We’re at the Panties and Panthers party for Katie at Sexy Unique Restaurant, and everyone is shocked at how good it looks. Brittany’s there, sans Jax, and Lala’s enjoying balls in her mouth. Kristen arrives on crutches, and I’m fully here for this. Kristen stubbed her toe hard enough to require crutches, and as a person who is 100% limbs just like she is, I understand waking up with random aches and pains. I get that, girl.

Brittany comes and says hello to Daddy Bae Adam, who she jokingly calls “boyfriend”. Jax isn’t there, he’s at home hacking away at a pint of Ben and Jerry’s he bought in 1987. Pretty much everyone thinks the reason Jax is so possessive is that Adam is basically a young version of him. Daddy Bae Adam is 100x better, as far as I can tell. Lisa’s happy and impressed, so is Katie, and Stassi beter have goat cheeser bballs at her funeral.

James and Lala discuss the fact that Carter is giving James the stinkeye from across the room, and James just doesn’t really care. It’s not his problem, ya know? Lala wants to make sure James isn’t going to freak out at her showcase, because he’s having beef with these people, and he’s like “luv, NBD.”

Which surely means he’s gonna do something fucked up.2

Carter, Peter, and Sandoval are all going over the Mexico Shenanigans3, and Carter brings up a good point - why do the guys take James’ side over Kristen’s, when James is just as bad as Kristen and they’ve known Kristen longer? I mean, aside from Sandoval, who has plenty of reasons to hate Kristen, he makes a decent point. Sandoval, however, is convinced that something happened with Kristen because he’s given her the BOTD4 plenty of times and it’s backfired every single time.

Carter goes to talk to Kristen, who is gushing over some busser we’ve never seen’s dog5. I would rather have the rest of the episode just a live cam into Vanderpump Dogs. But alas, we can’t have whatever we want, but we do get Carter being pissed that Kristen is talking to another dude. He’s clearly drunk, but he tells Kristen that he heard that she and James were in the Jacuzzi together, and he’s pissed. She was near a body of water but not in it with James. Carter says he believes her, but she also has a history of lying to cover her ass. I can see why Kristen finds this to be hurtful. It really is.

Kristen “storms away”, but she’s on crutches, so it’s unintentionally hilarious and my favorite moment of television in 2018.

Lisa talks with Katie’s mother and grandmother, who are urgently pressing for babies. Lots and lots of Schwartz-Maloney babies. Hrm. Meanwhile for once, Schwartz isn’t blackout drunk at a party. The conversation quickly diverts to TomTom, and it’s almost as if Ariana and Billie Lee aren’t there. Ariana’s pissed about the cocktail book thing, and Tom doesn’t understand why she wasn’t being proactive. She tells him she waited for him like he wanted, but now she doesn’t want to. Ariana’s right for the first time in a while.

Jax is emotionally eating everything in the fridge alone at home. Last time he saw Kelsey the Reiki Instructor Jax is Trying to Fuck, she told him what we’ve known all along - he’s mean to Brittany because he wants Brittany to be the one to leave and he doesn’t have to do it. I mean, Stassi told us that years ago! Kelsey advises Jax that Brittany deserves to “know his truth” so she can find someone who treats her the way she deserves6. Damn, Kelsey. You might actually be doing work.

Stassi greets Brittany at the Pipes and Pippi Longstocking Party with tequila shots. It’s Stassi’s turn to try to through to Brittany about Jax, and basically says everyone in their group thinks she deserves better, and Jax is not better. Stassi, coming from a place of knowledge and experience, tells Brittany she wants her to recognize her worth. See, this is actual good advice. But Brittany still maintains that Jax is different in private, when they’re alone, they don’t see him every day so they don’t know.

Brittany’s taking lines directly from the “Are You Being Abused?” pamphlet.

Stassi doesn’t want Brittany to be wasting her best years. Brittany is going to give her all. Stassi just wants her to know that she supports Brittany, but not Brittany with Jax. I get that. I’ve been there.

We’re at Stassi’s apartment, and Patrick, a CrossFit duffle filled with cottage cheese, comes by. Finally without a man bun, and completely undeserving of the macaroni and cheese Stassi is making for him7. Stassi’s discovering the original Pinterest, vision boards, and that’s making her a really good event planner. Stassi loves the design part of event planning, but not the actual coordinating part. Patrick continues to talk down to Stassi and keeps dropping these big words to condescend to her. It’s really disgusting. She asks him how they can be consistent, and he proceeds to make fun of her cooking.

Stassi knows she upset Patrick but he literally talks about Game of Thrones and in analogies that just barely work and I zone out. Basically he’s an asshole and thinks she turns molehills into mountains. He’s a gross mansplainer and continues to be like, “we just need a happy medium”, and it doesn’t sound like he wants to do any work on his end to get there.

Over at Schwartz and Katie’s they’re eating cheese.

Barf.

They’re a year out from being marriage, things are coming up for the two of them. Tom wants six or seven dogs and a house in the Hills, which will never happen. Tom Schwartz once got so excited about the idea of eating a Fruit by the Foot he ate the plastic and almost died. This woman wants to have babies with this man.

Katie talks about her struggle with both PTSD and depression due to her fallign through a skylight almost a decade ago. She feels like she’s come over on the other side, and she had a lot of self-hatred and lost a lot of her self-worth because of it. She feels herself for the first time in a long time, and I’m not crying with Katie. I AM NOT. I AM NOT!!!!!

Even Schwartz is not a monster in this moment. God damn.

They do their wedding dance in their living room to Tom Schwartz’s own music, and I can’t. I’m so glad there’s a commercial break so I can stab whoever is cutting onions in here.

If this is all we got, then we’re good, good, is the musical cue for this next scene. And it ‘s perfect, because the human embodiment of “settling for someone” has arrived, Jax! He comes into his apartment and immediately tells Brittany he’s been unhappy. She asks why he’s making her feel like shit, and I understand why she thinks it’s about her, but she needs to sit back and let him talk right now. I HATE taking Jax’s side.

Jax effectively copy and pastes what Kelsey said to him to Brittany - she deserves someone who can give her the life she deserves, and he doesn’t think that’s him. He doesn’t think they can be together anymore, and Brittany pretends she’s blindsided. Girl, he’s been trying to tell you this for weeks and you’re not listening and instead you’re throwing a blanket over it and hoping it’ll all be okay.

Brittany’s like “we were fine,” and Jax thinks he needs to be alone and by himself in order to learn. Brittany kicks him out and is like, “Why would you do this to me after everything I’ve been through?”

Uh, Brittany. He’s trying to spare you of further heartbreak.

Brittany is so mad he’s just throwing it away like her effort was for nothing. Brittany recognizes what’s true - Jax ain’t changing any time soon.

He goes to the balcony to try to tell after her, but Brittany’s in an Uber. She gone, Jax. You finally did the right thing, though.

Next Time: Ariana’s mad that Tom puts his friends ahead of her. Jax cries again. Brittany slid into Daddy Bae Adam’s DMs. And we’re ready for Lala’s showcase!!!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda: - Was Scheana in this episode at all? We got more Ariana than Scheana? - WHEN IS THIS SEASON OVER??

I want to say lipstick reviews but knowing Katie it’s like, reviews of Sour Patch Kids. ↩︎

What happened to James and his friend who was in love with him? ↩︎

Totally a drink name for TomTom. ↩︎

Benefit of the doubt. ↩︎

Gotta get that last-minute Vanderpump Dogs plug in! ↩︎

Read: PLEASE PUT HER OUT OF HER MISERY. ↩︎

Oh god, we’re STILL in Mexico?!

I mean, we didn’t leave Mexico last episode, so I don’t know why I’m surprised. We enter back at the end of James and Kristen’s fight, and we see Lala and James get angry at Stassi for her defending James. Everyone can say what’s true - Kristen needs to be the center of attention, and that’s draining. They barely even had actual dinner. Lala is livid because she’s covered in margarita, and Lala and Stassi shouldn’t be arguing about this. The guys misinterpreted what James said, and neither Lala and Stassi were witnesses. They don’t have a leg to stand on in the slightest. Stassi keeps trying to get Lala to calm down, but she’s upset.

James is crying on the phone to Raquel about what happened, and Sandoval comes over to stick his nose into things again. Tom basically is like, “this is what it LOOKS like,” and James tells him everything he remembers that night. And much like the nightmare interrogator he would be, Sandoval asks James if there’s anything he could possibly just have not remembered? There’s two hours that no one can account for their actions, and James really doesn’t have a reason to lie. Sure, saying “Why would I lie when I have a girlfriend” instead of “Why would I like about something that isn’t true”, but... you know.

I’m good at this shit.

Stassi orders a caesar salad, a margherita pizza, and a side of balsamic vinegar. Stassi is the kind of person who needs a ton of condiments, a trait I have always found odd in people1. On their last night in Mexico, Jax doesn’t understand the difference between “turning up” and getting “turnt”, and again. He’s 1000 years old. James and Lala unpack what went down with Kristen and exactly how uncool it was for her to do that. Lala says if Kristen does anything to James she’ll light Kristen’s house down. And there’s a gross conversation wherein which two white people call themselves gangsta while one of them drinks out of a literal baby’s bottle, and I am not comfortable???

Kristen arrives to throw herself a pity party with Stassi and Katie, and Katie isn’t having any of it. I hate Katie I hate Katie I hate Katie but daaaaamn, she’s right here. Kristen is wasted and Katie’s telling her she’s only making things worse for herself with her behavior. Kristen tries to get Katie to empathize with her because she should know how she feels, but Katie just thinks she’s lost the plot. Katie, who last season refuses to talk to anyone about anything or deal with her feelings in a rational manner, tells Kristen that she would have been better off just keeping a level head and talking to James instead of throwing a margarita in his face. Kristen is like, “oh, you’re mad at me for throwing a drink?”

No, Kristen, they’re mad at you because it’s hard to defend you when you act like this and even harder when you’re not justified in your behavior!!!!!!

Katie’s not going to lie to Kristen that she’s right and it hurts her to see Kristen self-sabotage. Kristen says Katie is being an asshole, and Kristen doesn’t know anything. This is entirely Kristen’s fault.

Back in West Hollywood, we’re with Lisa Vanderpump and Ken at TomTom, where they’re done putting in the foundation and now they’re putting in electric, and about six weeks away from putting in kitchen equipment. Sandoval is calling Lisa with whatever stupid idea he has today. It’s 11:32 AM, and Tom Sandoval pretends he came to Mexico to do research on mezcal. He’s also hoping that The Gang will be able to come over to see what’s happening with TomTom with a “Progress Party”. Lisa doesn’t care if she doesn’t have to work. He tells Lisa about James and Kristen possibly hooking up, and even Lisa’s like “oh, dear god, no.”

Jax calls the only woman who’s ever paid any attention to him because he’s paying her to, Kelsey, his reiki master. He ships Brittany off to do her makeup in another room, which is literally the most suspect. Boy, what kind of conversation are you having that you need me to pack up my entire battle station and go to my friend’s room to get ready?! There’s the very end of that story, in my humble opinion. Brittany doesn’t know what reiki is and basically is like “What can she do that weed can’t?”

Brittany, if you have to ask, you definitely already know the answer.

Kelsey wants to make sure that Jax is taking moments for himself, but he isn’t. He feels personally attacked by all of this. Kelsey does give the advice that “if I react, that means that I believe a part of what they’re saying is true.” Damn, Kelsey. You read Jax to filth. She wants him to focus on the good and tells him to be Nelson Mandela, someone Jax pretends to know. Nelson Mandela is from “Africa”, according to Jax Taylor, who literally used to walk across Pangea. Jax tells Kelsey he loves her(?????) and they hang up.

I’m barfing, oh my god.

They’re all packing and ready to leave Mexico, and Kristen’s mostly upset she can’t leave it all in Mexico and has to bring it back home with her. What a struggle, Kristen.

She goes with Carter, a human pair of manicured eyebrows, to dinner and talk about the Mexico trip. Kristen’s glad she went even though it was just “fine”. She tells Carter about the “rumor” James “created”, trickle-truthing the story the entire way through. Kristen apologizes because she knows being alone with James is a problem for her - she already cheated on Carter with him when they first started dating. For her to put herself in that scenario is stupid. She’s stupid for that. She’ll never live down fucking James on top of her Beemer, and no one will let her live that down. Her credibility is shot, and she understands that.

Everyone’s back at work! Scheana, Lala, and Ariana are back at Sexy Unique Restaurant, and Lisa Vanderpump has arrived in her piratey best to berate Lala for over inflating her lips with that Kylie Jenner lip sucker thing that was all the rage last summer. Lisa asks Lala how Mexico was, and Lala makes a running list of who got yelled at - Jax, Sandoval, Schwartz, Kristen, James. Lisa can’t believe they’ve all discovered that Jax is a piece of shit, and she really can’t believe that Jax is trying to whisk Brittany away after everything he’s done. Lisa’s thrilled by the idea of Jax leaving but also thinks it’s a load of shit, because Jax is a liar.

James is bringing all of his See You Next Turn Up Tuesday (SYNTUT) equipment in and somehow Raquel is carrying something despite her arms being made of blown-up plastic. James hopes no one is going to fuck with him that night, and has come to the full conclusion that whatever happened in Mexico with the boys was a dumb joke that didn’t need to be escalated to the level it was. Raquel just stands there and James talks at her about what’s true and what’s not true with James.

Meanwhile, Jax and Brittany are heading back to Sexy Unique Restaurant in the car drove when Jax was 16 and just learning to drive. Jax can’t not think about “the job” in Florida, and Brittany begs him to think about her and how this will effect her. She wants him to think everything through and he keeps being like “this is a great opportunity.” In their silences and pauses they’re both asking each other for what they want. She’s been there two years and moved there for him and she’s not sure if she just wants to uproot her life once she’s just getting comfortable. He passively aggressively asks if Brittany’s boyfriend Daddy Bae Adam is going to be there, and Brittany just wants him to get over it. He’s a nice guy. I’m biased because he’s Daddy Bae and and Jax is Daddy Bone, aka a skeleton who should be dead underground. She is happy that Jax sounds jealous2, which means Scheana’s plan worked. She didn’t want to break Jax and Brittany up, she just wanted to rattle him a bit.

Scheana, coming in with the low-key brilliance3.

Katie and Tom are standing in their tiny kitchen and Tom’s trying to decide what to eat. Stassi’s on her way over wearing a white tube top, and Katie’s planning her relaunch of her blog party. She wants to cater to influencers, or whatever it is for a blog that hasn’t been updated in over a year. They bring up Kristen, and everyone acknowledges that Kristen blew it all out of proportion. Tom thinks it was a “just the tip” scenario, and let’s be completely honest:

DJ James Kennedy, Esq. definitely has his own personal struggles with whiskey dick, am I wrong or am I right? And if he was drinking as heavily as they portray it, there ain’t no way anything happened between Kristen and James, because there’s no way it could have happened. I had enough frat boy sex in college to know this to be true.

Stassi almost thinks it happened with James and Kristen because of how hard Kristen is denying any of this happened. Stassi then tells us what she would do if Patrick cheated on her, and it reminds me so clearly of why she and I are the same person, and why I get so disappointed by her:

If she caught Patrick in Mexico with an ex-girlfriend, she would start planning a murder that would happen two years from now so she wouldn’t get caught

She would get some tinfoil and would make a little cone, put water in it, freeze it, make an ice pick, stab both of them, then let it melt, crinkle up the tinfoil, throw it away, and no one would ever be the wiser.

These. Are Two Things. I Have Said. Aloud. To Other People. About How I Like To Commit Revenge4.

At Sexy Unique Restaurant, Lisa Vanderpump immediately enters the bar like, “Where’s the Vanderpump Rose?” She has to shill whenever possible, even in her own god damn restaurant. Scheana’s celebrating her divorce and she and Rob are even considering buying a house together! She definitely knows he’s secure because she talked at him about the idea of having children. She’s been divorced six days, so he better get TO IT.

She tells Lisa about her plan to fuck with Jax, and Lisa’s glad that at least Scheana admitted she wanted to fuck with Jax. Lisa tells her that’s not the wisest path to go, but Scheana is very biblical and believes in an eye-for-an-eye. It’ll go well for her.

Montage of our beloved cast pretending they actually work at this restaurant ensues.

Lala took the early cut and gave up on money just to hang out at See You Next Turn Up Tuesday with James. Daddy Bae Adam arrives, wearing a Daddy Bae Outfit5, and Bloated Corpse That Inspired Daniel Radcliffe In That Movie Where He Had To Portray A Bloated Corpse Jax Taylor goes to confront him about something Adam really was barely involved in. Jax, who definitely shows up to work when he’s not scheduled to work for free drinks, doesn’t understand why Adam is there when he’s not scheduled to be. Jax is like, “oh, you have a crush on my girlfriend?”

Jax is so coked out, it’s amazing. Adam flat out denies having a crush on Brittany, just that Scheana invited him out when Adam was hanging out with Jax at his apartment. So Adam left Jax and his friends to go hang out with Scheana, NBD. Jax tries to pull the “you’re in my home, you’re a friend, you should have told me.” Adam’s literally like “I’m not getting in the middl-” and Jax is like “SCHEANA’S A MESS, RIGHT? Divorced, pissing on dudes who don’t want hers’ legs’, what a disaster.”

At least Jax apologizes for this nothing burger of an argument. Adam is not who his anger should be towards. It should be inward.

At See You Next Turn Up Tuesday, Ariana is fully prepared to The Bartender Hustle. She’s up on the bar, pouring shots into people’s mouths, looking snatched as hell, ready to get enough money to Indecent Proposal herself. I hope to one day have enough physical cash to roll around in a bed of it. Tom is DTF, and I don’t… blame… him. I am devastatingly homosexual. Scheana, Katie, and Brittany are off the clock, and they’re taking shots at the bar. Jax tells Brittany about Scheana trying to hook Adam up with Brittany, and Brittany’s like, “okay, she shouldn’t have done that,” and Jax is mostly upset that she doesn’t care. “Like, is that okay? She’s trying to set you up with someone else while that person is in my house?”

It’s not a big deal, Jax. Nothing happened, so it’s not like it matters. Brittany keeps reminding him that they work there, he needs to calm down, and she didn’t do anything. Jax expects Brittany to say something to Scheana about it, and Brittany refuses because - yeah, it’s not her problem.

Ariana sits with James and asks him about the Mysterious Pillow Arrangement that Jax considers the smoking gun in the The Case Of Banging The DJ. James insists that it’s nothing - he asked Jax for pillows so he could sleep next to the pool. I can’t imagine being drunk enough that I would want to risk passing out and rolling into a pool, but these people are not Einsteins. The story from Jax is completely different than the one told by James - according to James, Kristen was on her phone, listening to Fleetwood Mac, and Schwartz was being a drunk babbler. I mean, this sounds more accurate, and something I can actually visualize. James still maintains that this was Jax’s attempt to defect from his own behavior. I’m not sure if I buy into that entire theory, but it has more weight than Jax’s does, for sure.

Jax comes to join them and sits down with Scheana. He tries for five seconds to pretend to be nice, but immediately is like “you’re my friend, you brought him into my home, and you tried to set her up with him?” Scheana continues to be like “It wasn’t a set up.”6 Scheana wanted to boost Brittany’s confidence and even give a look into the life she could have without him. Everyone tells Jax he fucked up and he doesn’t have an argument here.

Isn’t Jax on the clock? Find me a bar that would let a bartender leave for this long on a busy Tuesday night.

Jax comes over to James and compliments him on the night, and James isn’t having any of it. Meanwhile, Lala’s literally just standing there making the “make it rain” motion, and I’m crying laughing at Lala. James is mad that Jax perpetuated the rumor with Kristen, and Jax keeps being like, “Oh, can I talk about the people I fucked and then be like, oh, I was drunk!” You do that, Jax. You actually do that. Lala keeps interjecting because Jax really ain’t shit for this one.

Jax is mad this all turning around on him, but that’s the way it should be. Ken and Lisa come in and Jax is so coked-out and so laser-focused, he doesn’t even see his bosses enter. Lala refuses to continue the argument while Ken and Lisa are around, and Lisa is like, “Jax, you haven’t even acknowledged me.”

It’s like the etiquette classes Jax took in 1875 meant nothing.

As soon as Lisa does this, Jax flips out. He’s tired of everyone holding him accountable, or what he calls “flipping the script”. He’s mad his plans to deflect away from his behavior aren’t working this season, and that’s massively unacceptable to him. He gives a double-middle-finger fuck you to all of the Sexy Unique Restaurant staff, and flips out to Lisa’s face because of what happened. In front of the bar. Where he works.

Again, why does Jax have a job?! He’s screaming at his boss about his own behavior in front of the bar where he is a bartender!!!!! Ken rightfully steps up and tells him no, he can’t talk to Lisa alone, because Jax is screaming and Ken doesn’t want him screaming at his wife. Lisa has no interest in what Jax has to tell her. And in response, Jax stands at the host podium with his middle finger up. Lisa calls him arrogant and says he’s acting like a baby.

Jax: “You’re not listening to me.” Lisa: “I am listening, I just don’t like what I’m hearing.”

Lisa. Vanderpump. Won. This. Argument. I’m saving this line in my back pocket.

Lisa tells Jax to leave, and he refuses to leave. He says its unfair, and even with Sandoval steps in, Jax still doesn’t understand… well, Jax isn’t making any kind of sense.

Jax storms off because for once he can’t charm his way out of a scenario - he’s outnumbered on everything he tries to start. Jax throws his mic on the ground, looks directly at the camera, and throws a tantrum on the streets of West Hollywood. He looked directly at the camera in that way that says “oh my god, my narrative isn’t working the way I wanted it to.” Or even, “oh my god, you guys SAID I would be the hero this season.” This is anger that’s projected elsewhere.

Next Time: Katie’s... Pamper and Potty party? Lala loves balls in her mouth, so does Raquel. James is so proud Raquel can fit both of his balls in her mouth like that isn’t an indicator of a small appendage. Carter’s pissed at Jax and Tom Sandoval, and Sandoval still thinks something happened. Brittany tells Jax his behavior wasn’t okay, and Jax still is determined to defend himself. Stassi feels (correctly) that Brittany is wasting her best years on Jax, but Brittany’s still optimistic, so that’s why Jax is going to try to get Brittany to break up with him.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda: - Conspiracy: Kristen and Schwartz hooked up. - Holy shit, Lisa’s face when Lala told Brittany about Jax’s “job”. She was actually horrified at the entire notion. - Jax trying to assert his masculinity to be taller than Adam and having it backfire on him will sustain me for the rest of time. - Jax hates himself, hates this show, hates Brittany, hates Sexy Unique Restaurant, hates his entire life, and he knew what his edit would be this season, hence his coked-out tantrum in this episode. - I miss Suck A Dick Diana. - Lala, don’t use “Ghetto” as an insult while you’re calling yourself Tupac come back from the grave. Systemic and casual racism is real. - Katie is being so calculated with her behavior this season. She really got fucked up from last season.

Then again if you forget my honey mustard, barbecue, and ranch with my chicken tenders I will rip your head off. ↩︎

Imagine your boyfriend showing you absolutely no kind of emotion to the point where you’re happy he’s jealous. Imagine. Rachel Bloom got it right when she talked about love kernels]. ↩︎

Like, the lowest key. Of all the low keys. We’re talking 16.5 Hz. ↩︎

Being a Cancer is so fucking real, I cannot. ↩︎

Seriously - a guy in a backwards cap and a denim jacket does it for ya girl. Daddy Baaaae. ↩︎

We already know this episode is going to be crazy because as Katie, Stassi and Kristen sit down on the beach, the on-screen chyron says:

Thursday, 2:13 PM.

Bravo only gives us a proper time-stamp when they want us to keep aware of the time. Yas, Bravo.

Stassi is thrilled she got sleep in until 1:30 PM and Kristen did nothing to disturb her. It’s a modern miracle from the way they’re all acting. However, Katie’s got something to mention - when Schwartz came back from golfing, he told Katie that Kristen and James hooked up.

Fade to black.

Twelve hours earlier.

I AM SCREAAAAAAAAMING THIS SHOW IS FANTASTIC.

We resume back with Jax, Scheana and Brittany, where Jax is about to disappear and angry put cocaine up his nose or something. He’s mad about Daddy Bae Adam and Scheana’s meddling and he’s gotta deal with it somehow. Meanwhile, the group is getting fucked up on blue drinks1. James goes to harass an actual DJ and speak mediocre Spanish and see if this dude will let him press buttons on his iPad for a bit so the DJ can take a break. He gives the DJ a thumbdrive to play James’ music, and the gang freaks out.

I guess James brought Turn Up Tuesday to SUR Mexico. However, we must remember... it’s Wednesday/Thursday morning.

Jax thinks James’ music is just noise, and I hate agreeing with Jax. But he’s right. He does give James credit where credit is due in terms of getting the party started. So does Kristen, even. They all congratulate James on being an international DJ. I can only assume they mean international in the way that IHOP means international.

Kristen gathers all her ex-boyfriends and everyone she’s had sex with over in a corner and I realize that’s almost all of the men there, save for Schwartz2. Everyone is in agreement: seeing Kristen and James being all chummy and friendly is weird. We barely saw footage of Kristen and James’ relationship when it was good, so this is especially jarring. The gang gathers themselves to leave the club - Jax steals a bottle of alcohol - and James is on top of the world now that he’s an International DJ and everything.

The next morning, everyone’s in bed, except James and Kristen, who aren’t in their beds! Jax brings up Scheana’s meddling to Brittany again, which is how you know he’s hella pissed off about it, and Brittany can’t find a fuck to give.

Anyway, this morning, Kristen and James went out alone at 7:30 in the morning drinking tequila by the pool. Jax is convinced that they hooked up on the basis of pillows. He knows exactly what he saw, and he looked very hard to find proof. Slim proof, but his idea of proof might just work with these people.

Back in Beverly Hills, we’re at Villa Rosa, Ken brought Lisa another fucking dog. I’m really genuinely concerned for Lisa and her hoarding of dogs. She makes the lovely comparison of how James is much like a stray dog they took in and he’s better now. Lisa claims she’s going to keep the dog for a few days and give the dog back to Vanderpump Dogs.

Honestly, I feel like if you open a closet at Lisa Vanderpump’s house 40 dogs will fall out.

The transition music can be best described as “off-brand Smooth by Santana”, which makes me want to die inside, if I’m being quite honest. Remember how that song won the major three Grammys? REMEMBER? I was eight years old and even I knew that song was trash. So this one is just perfect for this show. Kristen has finally made it to her bed, and Sandoval is… well, Sandoval is getting dressed in a manner only a man who’s drinking tequila straight from the bottle before going golfing in the morning. He’s wearing a white polo with some kind of black pattern, and red plaid pants.

A grown man in red plaid pants.

He’s never played golf, but at least he looks as drunk as the old white men who do.

Tom Schwartz remembers very little from the previous night. He remembers blurs and bits and pieces, which is going to be great when he’s going golfing the next day. Lala accepts a giant bouquet of flowers from her boyfriend. Scheana tries not to salivate in anger and claims not to really be a flower person. She thinks flowers are basic and she doesn’t like presents and much prefers affection. That’s hilarious, considering Rob and Scheana aren’t into making out either, so she’s in clear denial and I love it.

Over where the boys are golfing, Schwartz and James are hungover. Not even hungover, these boys are still wasted from the night before because they barely went to sleep. None of the guys know anytihng about golfing, but they’re definitely going to do what they know, which is heavy drinking. Sandoval is especially awful. James is driving on the course, which you’re not supposed to do in the golf course.

Jax takes all of the guys aside, other than James, and tells his conspiracy of the pillows and Kristen. All the guys think that James and Kristen hooked up. Tom Sandoval asks James “Did you hang out with Kristen last night?”

HANG OUT. HANG OUT. I watched it three times. The first without looking at the caption, the second with the caption, and a third just to make sure. Tom Sandoval said “hang out”. When I “hang out” with someone, there ain’t no implication there. James responds “A little bit, but not really.” All the guys are like OH MY GOD. Jax feels vindicated. James accuses Jax of deflecting, and James is deflecting the whole idea of cheating on Raquel. James claims he took a nap next to Jax’s pool. James vehemently denies doing any of this.

Poor James got his feelings hurt and the guys definitely don’t believe him. James is too drunk to be dealing with this and any of the accusations. He’s like, “I told you about Scheana and Brittany, and this is what you do?” He’s cry-drunk. My favorite. I love crying drunk.

Scheana and Brittany are getting massages, and Scheana wants to make it clear to Brittany that she can do better and Jax takes advantage of her kindness. She says she “deserves” to do it, which, no one really deserves to destroy someone else’s relationship - but that’s just me. Regardless of who else did anything. Brittany shares Jax’s theory of what happened with James and Kristen, and Scheana’s baffled. There’s no way.

Right?

Kristen gets in the shower, and does Kristen have matching tiger paw tattoos over her butt? Like, on either side of her hips, on the back side, she has two tiger paw tattoos. Some people, I swear to god.

Lala and Ariana join a berothed3 Scheana and Brittany in the spa for gossip and bellinis4 and do my favorite activity: Talk Shit About The Night Before. They all went to bed before 7:00 AM, except Kristen and James. Lala’s convinced they didn’t have sex, but something probably happened, because they were vibing each other the night before really hard. None of the girls think she would have done it, but also don’t believe Kristen wouldn’t... not not do it. Considering her history and everything. And the truth is that if Jax knows, there’s only five minutes before Carter and Raquel find out.

Back in West Hollywood at the Tom Tom site, Lisa is having Vanderflashes becuse it’s hot as hell there. She doesn’t know why Tom and Tom are in Mexico and not overseeing the work site with Lisa5. These contractually obligated scenes of Lisa Vanderpump get more and more shoehorned in every week. Basically they’re discussing the group in Mexico and Lisa is still baffled that Brittany lets Jax get away with murder and rewards Jax’s behavior. Ken makes an analogy to Ken and Lisa’s early relationship, when Ken was a bit of a scoundrel and up to no good on a regular basis. Isn’t Lisa lucky?

We return back to the opening of the episode, where Stassi, Katie, and Kristen are getting to the nitty gritty - did Kristen hook up with James? Kristen calls bullshit, and Tom told Katie that James said it happened. Stassi tells Kristen she should know better than to be drunk alone with James because this always happens, and Kristen calls out how victim-blamey that is. Her entire goal was to make sure Tom Schwartz wasn’t a wasted mess, and there’s a pretty decent chance she blacked out. She isn’t sure.

We get a gorgeous montage of all the lies Kristen has told, though.

Kristen’s mad and doesn’t want the entire concept to be entertained. She would never cheat on Carter, but even Stassi’s like “uh, remember when you lied to us for an entire summer that you had sex with Jax?” She doesn’t have the best track record going in. Kristen’s mad as hell, especially that her best friends are the ones haranguing her about it.

The rest of the gang joins them, and Kristen immediately asks them what the hell is going on. Like, they don’t even have a chance to put towels down before starting in on them. Jax tells Kristen James admitted to it, and Kristen continues to deny it. And lucky for them, James is passed out in his hotel room! Kristen quickly diverts to how drunk Tom Schwartz was the night before and how he disappeared from the property the night before. He wondered onto the other resort, far enough away that he needed a ride back. He thinks nothing of it, even though the fact that this grown man blacked out and got lost by himself. Because Tom Schwartz is irresponsible and should not be trusted with a fork, let alone an entire restaurant.

James wakes up from his midday nap, hungover and blinding himself with a reading lap. Peter tells James what happened when Kristen found out. James thinks Jax just wants everyone else around him to be unhappy and that’s why he’s trying to ruin his own relationship. James is happy Kristen’s mad, but not that Kristen’s mad at him. This is totally a telephone-game situation, and if it really didn’t happen, turning against James is not the smartest move for Kristen.

All the guys are getting dressed in their short suits except Jax, who is 147 years old and entirely made of flammable fabric and is totally the guy who takes advantage of “casual attire”. Don’t invite Jax to your events. He will show up looking schlubby as hell. In Kristen and Stassi’s room, Kristen has heard from James, and nothing James can say will get Kristen off his back. She believes he confirrmed this, and even saying otherwise isn’t enough.

The group heads down and I’m not mad at Jax for not wearing his suit to dinner. Turns out they’re obnoxious polyester suits Sandoval brought with him, and Sandoval is sad that only he and James wound up wearing them6. Jax knows he would be a pile of sweat and cocaine in that suit, so he’s making the one good decision he makes a year and doesn’t wear it. They sit down to dinner at a gorgeous restaurant and the tension in the air is thicc, gurl. James knows Kristen is pissed, Tom Schwartz is drunk enough to want Chili’s and/or Olive Garden7, and Stassi feels insecure in her relationship becuase everyone’s in contact with their partners out of town. She and Patrick have been fighting because she forgot to text him when she arrived.

Is this where we are as a society? I have heard so many times of partners or people being interested in other people getting upset about things on social media and not replying to a text, and I’m beginning to wonder if there’s something wrong with me that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if my boyfriend didn’t immediately text me upon landing. As long as I heard from him, that’s fine. Patrick is trash, however, and this is a fact we know to be true.

Kristen is seething. Like, the kind of seething where any time James says anything, she bares her hind teeth and clenches her jaw. I’ve been this kind of angry, and it’s not fun. Sandoval and Schwartz invite the gang to Tom Tom to see the space when they get back, and they all cheer to Tom Tom8. Kristen gets up and toasts to everyone, including James for saying they hooked up. James continues to deny saying it, Jax and the boys continue to maintain that he said what they wanted to hear, and Kristen believes them over James. None of them know anything because there’s two of them and people who say things happened that they weren’t there for based on shoddy evidence. Poor Kristen. Poor James. This escalated when it didn’t need to9. Katie claims not to have sympathy who act like children, which is hilarious because she’s married to Tom Schwartz, who five minutes ago was crying out for chicken tenders.

James rightfully calls it a misunderstanding, and Kristen calls him a piece of shit in response. James, recognizing this is a losing battle, tells Kristen he DGAF and she can believe whatever she wants. Kristen loses it, throws her cocktail in his face, and half-heartedly apologizes to Lala for getting the backsplash. James berates her on the way out and calls her names, and Kristen’s like, “You call got to see the real James!” Stassi’s trying to stick up for Kristen for some reason, and even Scheana, who never is the voice of reason, tells Kristen James was trying to apologize for what the guys claimed he said, taking ownership of something he didn’t have to, and she called him a piece of shit for it.

Next Week: Lala bruised her lips and they’re over plumped now. Kristen tells Carter abut the rumor, and it’s Turn Up See You Next Tuesday, where Jax Taylor is going to lose his mind.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda: - Did anyone else see that Keith Haring mural on the wall when the gang was gathering up to leave the club? That’s the classiest this show will ever get. - No one should EVER give Jax a detective procedural. - Lisa Vanderpump would have her own personal pink construction hat. I wonder if she has the entire ensemble, like a work belt and a face shield. - James will never be a true part of this group. - OF COURSE Lisa Vanderpump wound up keeping that dog! It looks just like Ken! - That scene of Kristen in the shower was overgratuitious for a reason, right? Like, “this girl is such a hussy, let’s show her entire naked body on cable above the watershed, that’ll show her guilt!” - Damn, Schwartz has a binge drinking issue. - Jax has called Brittany fat a thousand times, he can’t get mad at James for doing so.

I went out with my friend to this amazing bar known for their boozy slushies, and mine was blue. I do not remember the rest of the night. If a cocktail is an unnatural color, tread carefully. You wouldn’t want to Amanda it the fuck up. ↩︎

How did Peter get... all of these women? ↩︎

Get it? Cause they’re wearing robes. I’m the best. Oh my god. ↩︎

You can tell from the color of the cocktail. I know the difference between a mimosa and a bellini. ↩︎

Hasn’t she worked really hard to make it clear that Tom and Tom should have nothing to do with overseeing the design and ambiance of TomTom, a bar they only own a respective 5 percent of? ↩︎

That’s not what Sandoval says, though. He tells us he brought suits for “all the guys” and that Schwartz and Jax backed out at the last minute. What about Peter? Peter isn’t wearing a suit. Does Peter not count? ↩︎

This is drunk enough for me to have concern. ↩︎

I love the crickets that play after Jax says they don’t want him as head bartender because of his new job. Yeah, Jax. That’s definitely it. ↩︎

I feel bad for the employees of the Andaz Mayakoba, because no amount of money is worth the emotional strife and abuse the Vanderpump Rules cast will put them under. We return to Mexico, where Stassi is emphatically saying that she will never, ever let Brittany move to Floriday with Jax and his fake job. She tells Lala that yes, she understands being in love with someone and wanting to be with them, but Jax is not worth any of that.

Lala shakes her head in disgust. Lala is correct.

Meanwhile, back at the table, Jax and The Toms are dipping because they’re tired of being held accountable for their actions, so they’re leaving and no one’s going to stop them. I mean, no one was, but still.

Stassi and Lala are joined by Katie and a clearly wasted Kristen, who are both so proud of them for standing up to Jax, who basically thinks he’s the Jesus the Redeemer but is more like Touchdown Jesus1. Kristen has essentially had an IV full of tequila since she started packing her suitcase for the trip to Mexico. She was pregaming the pregame for the pregame. It’s hilarious and also terrifying because people don’t talk nearly enough about alcohol use disorder2. Stassi’s mostly annoyed because she knew this was going to happen, but it’s okay because they’re going skinny-dipping, which notoriously saves everything.

Remember last time Lala went skinnydipping and Katie freaked out because Schwartz might have possibly seen a boob and we all know Schwartz is a sexual deviant with absolutely no self-control and cannot be trusted? Now Katie’s inviting Lala to go skinnydipping. Oh, how things change3.

Back at the hotel, Ariana, James Kennedy, Jax and The Toms are providing some dental insurer a moment of joy, because James is using his teeth to open beer bottles. That’s correct - BottleS. The British relationship with teeth is a fascinating one to me. Sandoval asks Jax if he’s really leaving, and Jax says that yes, definitely. James reminds him that Brittany loves him and he can’t really imagine she’s going to just, like, give it all up for him, right?

Jax actually thinks there’s no way Brittany’s not coming with him. Like, Jax can’t imagine a reason why she wouldn’t.

I have never hated Jax more in this moment.

He cheated on her, and instead of trying to get her respect back, he expects her to be patient while he works on himself. And any kind of dissent from him is her not supporting him on his journey towards self-improvement, and he might be triggered and cheat on her again, which will be her fault. And instead of doing the right thing and listening to her family, Brittany thinks she can buy his love and affection back. I don’t feel bad for her anymore. I did, but she can’t look back at this or listen to all the people telling her what’s going on and really expect a positive result. She has to break up with him.

Every woman who has broken up with Jax is better off in the end. Just look at Laura-Leigh.

James tries to defend Brittany and Jax asks for a ‘break’. I’ll give you a fuckin’ break, Jax. (insert breaking body-part joke here). They’re having a boys’ night! Never mind that Ariana’s there, it’s about the boys! They pass around a bottle of Don Julio and god, Tom Schwartz is disheveled in a manner I have actually never seen on a man that attractive before. I’ve never had someone stomp on my lady boner so vigorously. James is having a bunch of fun, but he knows all about Scheana and her plan to break up Jax and Brittany by hooking Brittany up with Adam4. He’s not gonna do that, though. He wants to have a good ass night.

Back with on the beach with Lala, Stassi, Katie and Kristen, Brittany has joined them, and they’re gonna get butt naked to go on the ocean. They’re running down the dock and Kristen falls and trips in the sand. I have been Kristen several times. When you’re mostly limbs, life is hard. Kristen is literally slurring her words and might be too drunk to exist. Lala gets fully naked and everyone else doesn’t, but they do touch nipples. I imagine this is the 2018 version of Blood Brothers, but with an even higher likelihood of catching a disease5.

Oh, we’re back in the States as Sexy Unique Restaurant. We’re going through the standard motions of promotion - Lisa greeting tables, Billie Lee pretending they have a table at 7:00, the standard. Billie Lee had a good time on her date.

That’s all we get from that scene.

I should write 45 paragraphs on what occurred next, but to sum it up simply, Lala puts warm milk and honey in to a baby’s bottle and drinks it in bed like an actual baby. This is far from the worst thing I’ve ever seen on this show and considering Lala has a daddy/babygirl fetish from what I can gather, I’m the last person to kink-shame. Also, I sleep with a stuffed dog who is so fluffy and nice that I really can’t tell someone how to get ready for bed.

But she calls it a “baba”. A BABA. Lala, I love you so much6.

Over at Katie and Tom’s, they’re both wasted and Tom Schwartz honestly looks like a ziploc bag of warm mayonnaise. He’s spilling pizza in bed and it’s falling out of his mouth and wearing a purple Hawaiian shirt. Katie pretends this is so cute, because at least if he’s wasted and blacks out and makes out with another girl it’ll be her! What a great and stable relationship they have. It’s to the point where Tom Schwartz doesn’t even *sound * like Tom Schwartz. He sounds like an actual child when he’s talking and it’s not cute. Stassi comes over and immediately climbs into bed with the Moloney-Schwartzes because Schwartz pushes her in. Stassi felt bad interrupting the two of them but Kristen is a ball of drunken anxiety chainsmoking in their hotel room and Stassi can’t be a part of that.

Apparently Kristen’s really hard to travel with, to the point where Kristen was yelling at Stassi because clearly it’s Stassi’s fault Kristen came to Mexico. On their trip to Copenhagen the fall previously Kristen’s darkest timeline personality emerged and she lost her god damn mind. Lost her mind so deeply three of them left her in Copenhagen and went to Paris. If someone left me in Dennmark, I don’t know what I’d do. Stassi just wants to go to sleep in her own bed, and the Moloney-Schwartzes invite her to join them in their bed full of pizza crumbs from when Tom Schwartz was babybirding it. Stassi, you’re better off sleeping on the beach.

The next morning, Tom and Ariana are arguing over whose alarm is going off. They all went to bed as the sun was coming up, but they’ve got places to be. Stassi’s considering not going, but they’ll all suck it up.

Out on the beach, Jax is fingering a rock (literally) and he wants peace. He thinks people are fighting because of his job offer and not because he’s a self-centered disaster of a person. He thinks he’s taken a beating and is touching a negativity rock that was given to him by Kelsey.

Honestly, Jax seems like the type to join Scientology. I love how stupid he actually is. Negativity rocks, my ass.

James didn’t fly to Mexico to not get turned up, so he’s the only one in the van who’s still drunk and living from the night before. He’s already planning his drink for when he gets back to the hotel. The water park is enormous and actually looks like a fun time. James refuses to share the drink he’s sharing with Lala. Why would you ever share a drink with him, Lala?! James is totally the friend who asks for a “tiny bit” of your drink or food and then takes half of it. Lala, like me, is afraid of birds, and Brittany takes a picture with a bunch of parrots. I screamed in horror. I think my fear of birds literally comes from reading about how Alfred Hitchcock threw birds at Tippi Hendren during filming of The Birds. I am with both Lala and Stassi, birds are a fuckin hell no.

Ariana asks Stassi how the previous night was, and then when Stassi gives her an honest answer, Ariana makes fun of her. Stassi and Kristen fought when all Stassi wanted to do was sleep and somehow that personally effects Ariana. I don’t think Stassi’s requests for Kristen were out of line. Kristen can find another place to party after 2 am that wasn’t their hotel room!!!!

Jax is terrified that someone might actually have to come save him like when he nearly drowned in Big Bear. I hate that lifeguards exist solely to save people because I would definitely have paid $50 to that lifeguard who saved Jax to turn a blind eye7. Meanwhile, Kristen is sitting with Scheana and she’s mad at Stassi for not staying in their hotel room the night before. Kristen’s mad that Stassi is blaming her for being a drunk mess and thinks she’s being a stubborn bitch. I mean, I guess, Kristen?

Kristen asks Stassi where she stayed the night before, and she tells her she was at Katie’s because she didn’t want to be in her room. Kristen accuses her of throwing a drunken temper tantrum and how she never gets mad at Stassi and just lets it go and it’s hilarious. Meanwhile, te other grils are observing and try to figure out what’s going on. I get that Kristen wants Stassi to take more accountability and even asks her to. Kristen acknowleges that she doesn’t like to leave her bubble and gets anxious (so do I) but Stassi just got mad at her for it instead of having one inch of compassion for that. This is a weird non-argument argument. Moving on.

Oh, look at our gang, playing in the water! Floating! Brittany found a family of lemurs and Jax is like “pfft, I met the very first primate back when I l ived on Pangea,” because Jax is actually one billion years old. Jax saw the Big Bang. Jax isolated himself and Brittany feels bad that Jax feels isolated because of the previous night’s events. Brittany thinks he did deserve to get read to filth for his behavior but she’s proud of him for keeping a level head and not letting the steroids get to him as usual. Jax truly believed that Brittany was on board with the whole Florida thing, but he never... asked... her. Jax can think of all the pros for him, but he’s not taking her thoughts into consideration. It’s not a quick decision unlike Jax wants it to be.

More sports in water! Cliffs to jump off! Zip lining! Yadda yadda! Tom wants to stay in Mexico forever and honestly Mexico would rather pay for Donald Trump’s wall if it meant keeping out Tom Schwartz8. Kristen has disappeared and no one knows where she is, and Stassi can’t be bothered to find a single fuck to give about it. Stassi doesn’t feel safe in her hotel room because Kristen’s such a ball of anxiety and she’s very upset about it.

James is tryig to get along with everyone, but especially Jax. He goes to Jax and basically tells him about Scheana’s plan to hook Daddy Bae Adam up with Brittany and tear Jax and Brittany apart. Jax is pissed off, but he’s trying to keep calm. He doesn’t understand why Scheana’s butting her nonexistent butt into the situation, he didn’t do that to her.

Uh. Maybe not with Shay, but...

Back at the hotel, James is masturbating with his steamer. I mean, he’s making the motions whilst steaming his clothes. Tom Schwartz hilariously compares his body to Conor McGregor, and ...uh, Tom Schwartz is not in his prime modeling days anymore. That’s all I gotta say. Lala’s boyfriend misses her, but Scheana’s being present and turned her phone off. She’s not getting Wi-Fi, but then she caved ASAP and FaceTimes Rob. Rob is like “I’m driving, who are you?”

Even Lala, who was dating a married man, sees through this.

Things are still weird between Kristen and Stassi. When Kristen’s nervous while traveling she relies on Xanax and edibles and can’t help it. That’s all we get.

Oh, we’re inexplicably at Villa Rosa where Lisa Vanderpump is making a pasta recipe? Oh god. She talks to Ken about where The Gang is and how The Toms have kind of figured it out in terms of responsiblity. Sandoval moreso than Schwartz, who is basically a drunk dog. That’s all we get because Lisa Vanderpump is contractually obligated to be on every episode of this show.

Jax is being Brittany’s “personal bartender”, which is a terrible idea. Jax confronts Brittany about Scheana’s intentions with Adam, and Brittany DGAF. She doesn’t think it’s a big deal Adam has a crush on her, because he knows she’s with Jax, so it doesn’t matter. Brittany is smart. This isn’t a big deal. She didn’t tell Jax becuase it didn’t matter. Jax started all of this, so Brittany’s not going to extend it. Jax thinks it’s shitty of Scheana to do this - it is - but he regularly talks shit about Scheana.

They go out on the town for dinner, and they’re going to SUR Mexico. It’s not actually Sexy Unique Restaurant, but they all can’t get over that there would be another SUR. They talk about how Tom Schwartz used to never be able to sit next to Lala, and Lala’s curious of the relationship between Jax and James. James wants Jax’s friendship so badly and Jax is bored. Both Stassi and Scheana are dating older man, and we get an amazing back-and-forth montage of Scheana bragging about Rob and how handy he is - “he can put up a TV in under seven minutes” - and it’s hilariously tragic. I love that Scheana has nothing more to contribute to the conversation other than RobTalk.

They’re all over it. They never want to hear about Rob again. Sandoval calls Lisa Vanderpump, and she definitely doesn’t have his name in her contacts. Tom Schwartz, who is her business partner, doesn’t have Lisa Vanderpump’s phone number. She gave you a show, Tom. You can ask. Sandoval and Jax go to the bathroom together probably to do cocaine. Once they’re done with that, Jax tells Tom about Scheana’s intentions to split up Jax and Brittany, and Tom is mad for reasons I’m not clear on.

Back at the table, Lala invited James to tell them all about his life. James was really bullied when he was growing up, to the point where people broke his leg. They’d call him gay, then make fun of his looks, and then the bullying turned physical. Even Kristen can acknowledge that the bullying created the adult James we know today, and that makes a lot of sense. Scheana stands up and does a toast to Brittany to thank her for the trip, and then tells Jax he better appreciate Brittany as much as she appreciated him.

Jax is pissed.

The gang walks through the town and buys both cowboy hats and penis flutes. I now want to go to Playa del Carmen. This group doesn’t get blacked out and sloppy, unless it’s Schwartz, who even after a nearly a quarter-century of drinking, still hasn’t quite got it down pat. Sandoval sits down next to Scheana and immediately starts asking her about what her plans were with Adam, and why is this Sandoval’s issue? Keep your nose the fuck out, Sandoval.

Jax joins them and Scheana explains what went down again. Jax hopes all the bartender thinks his girlfriend is hot, what his issue is was that Scheana was trying to set them up. Scheana wouldn’t react well if Jax did the same thing and Scheana is still like “you shouldn’t have started a rumor about my boyfriend,” which... Jax didn’t do. Jax needs to get to the bottom of all of this, and Brittany comes over to play referee. Jax is drunk and projecting and he’s freaking out for no reason. Sure, what Scheana did wasn’t great, but it’s miles away from the worst thing Jax has ever done.

He flat out says, “Listen, if you wanted to leave me, you would have left a long time ago.” See? I told you. He really believes that Brittany will never leave him and he can continue to treat her like shit because of that.

When she gets upset by hat statement, Jax walks away.

Next Week: Ken brought Lisa a new dog! James can’t drive a golf car. Katie & Tom are fighting because Schwartz blacked out. James didn’t cheat on his girlfriend and he’s gonna get into it with Kristen. Again. HELLLLLLL YES.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda: * So Kristen was clearly coked up and out of her mind and yelling at Stassi, right? * Of course Scheana is the type to think replacing one man with another man is a “confidence boost”. * Scheana is getting revenge for Jax just repeating what he heard, LOLOL. She is so stupid. * This was a weird episode.

Touchdown Jesus was legendary, and the day after I drove past Him on I-94, he got hit by lightning. I’m hoping to extend the same courtesy to Jax. ↩︎

An actual disease, but essentially it’s not alcoholism because it’s not a craving. Instead, it’s the people who keep drinking after everyone else has stopped. I wonder if reality television has caused a rise in alcohol use disorder. ↩︎

My favorite part is how blatant The Taco Bell-stics have made befriending Lala now that she’s the fan favorite. ↩︎

Also, Adam’s last name is Spott. SPOTT. I hope he has zero intentions of going into acting because he will be nothing compared to who I consider the most talented actor of his generation. ↩︎

I almost made a grosser joke here. ↩︎

Literally, this is her self-soothing method. I love it. ↩︎

My hatred for Jax is REAL now. I wish a bird had pecked out his eyes. ↩︎

The episode opens at Sexy Unique Restaurant, where Sandoval’s arrived early to work on cocktails for TomTom! Both Lisa Vanderpump and I are shocked to learn that he’s a) arrived early anywhere and b) working on something he doesn’t have to be. I have the lowest image of all of the people starring on this show so expecting them ever to go above and beyond is a hard pill to swallow. I mean, I genuinely thought Tom&Tom were going to go to a bunch of cocktail bars and just jack all of those recipes1. Lisa wants to make sure that Tom Sandoval is on his best behavior because Nick Alain2 is coming into town and Lisa doesn’t want anything to get muddled in the process. Lisa wants Tom to know that the designing and organizing and generally knowing how working a job is all on her, and he just needs to stand still and look pretty.

Michelle Branch can tell him a thing or two about that.

Over at The Phoenix, Lala is introducing Stassi to the first black people she’s ever met, Lala’s music producers. One of them is named Blk Elviz, and the other is Sean2, and they’re both very fashionable and aesthetically pleasing. Of course Stassi uses the word “y’all” as soon as she meets them because code switching is real3. Blk Elviz is wearing a leather jacket that I envy so greatly I know that thing was $600. They’re getting ready for Lala’s performing and scouting the space. Stassi’s not concerned about the musical aspect but really creating a vibe and… you know, event planning. What bothers me is that the music producers are kind of just there to be there, and really, they should be asking more questions than Stassi is. What are the acoustics like? Are there going to be sound engineers? If Lala’s performing outside, will the audio be swallowed up?

I should be doing this job. Jusssayin. Stassi only listens to showtunes and reggaeton. Stassi loves Les Miserables, as most white people do.

Stassi and Lala sit down to split a giant pretzel and discuss girls’ night. Stassi’ really trying to listen and communicate with Ariana but Ariana’s not having it. Stassi’s not okay with feeling shamed for calling out bad behavior and feels no need to apologize. I agree with Stassi - she was made uncomfortable by Jeremy, and she told Ariana such, and Ariana doubled down on her anger. I don’t know if anyone else could have expressed that sentiment to Ariana, either. Unfortunately for Stassi, Ariana’s hatred of her makes her blind to the possibility that Stassi could ever be correct or have feelings worth validating.When Stassi says she’s not apologizing, Lala calls her a gangsta bitch.

That’s a little too far, Lala. We’re not going that far today.

Ugh, we’re at The Tomb of Jax Taylor, or Jax and Brittany’s apartment where it immediately starts with them bickering over the couch and to top it all off, Kelsey, Jax’s financial dominatrix - I mean, reiki coach, is coming over, and Brittany’s gotta skedaddle for a bit. Brittany’s a little jealous because Kelsey is not only good looking but she’s providing something to Jax that Brittany not only doesn’t know, she doesn’t even understand what it is. I mean, if I was a little concerned about that, I would take Kelsey aside and, you know, ask her about the process that my boyfriend of two years is making and how she’s helping him. These sessions aren’t just for him, BRITTANY.

I notice at this moment that Jax is wearing a Saturdays are for the Boys shirt. When did this become a thing? According to Know Your Meme it’s from a thing called Barstool Sports. I thought Barstool Sports was the game I played when I was trying to get laid in college and would post up at a bar for a few hours. But no, apparently it’s not even a game! It’s a podcast!

Jax loves Kelsey because she literally breaks him down and rebuilds him. I’m glad Jax is feeling the way he’s made women feel for 500 years. He’s ful of anxiety about the whole idea of the trip. Oh, and apparently someone offered Jax a job.

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No.

Jax Taylor did not get offered a job in Florida. No. He’s like “I get to be around sports all day” It’s apparently a job in hockey doing social media and marketing. I have friends who work for stadiums. No. This is not real. He’s mad that Tom & Tom have an opportunity so he’s going to pull a Ryan Howard and move to Miami. Miami, Ohio, that is, where this job likely is. That somehow makes Jax both Kelly Kapoor and Ryan Howard simultaneous and I don’t think this is what Greg Daniels and Michael Schur wanted.

And even so, why would he take this? I’m sorry, Jax has it made. He’s easily pulling in a mid-range six figures from this show, Instagram ads, and appearances alone. And he wants to give all of that up to live in a swampland and make, what, 60k a year? And even so, the Tampa Bay hockey team is really good. I can’t imagine them hiring a 75 year old who’s never had a job and didn’t go to college to study this. Sorry. I call bullshit.

My friend Celia’s doing reiki treatment right now for chronic pain, and she says it’s really working for her, so I’ll hold my tongue regarding Kelsey and what she does, because I really don’t have any knowledge and experience. What I can say confidently is that Jax is going to try to fuck Kelsey, and Jax will use reiki as an excuse to blame Brittany when he does so. That I’m sure of.

Brittany returns and Jax gushes over Kelsey, of course. He’s like “she’s amazing, my days are better after I see her,” and Brittany wants to help, and Jax immediately starts pitting Kelsey against her. It’s actually effortless. Brittany’s like, “Tell me what she does so I can try to help you,” and Jax is like “she’s just not like you at all in every single way, she makes you look like trash.” The appropriate response would for Jax to explain how Kelsey’s helpful so Brittany can learn, but no. Jax hates Brittany so much at this point and is literally taking every step possible to make her feel like shit. He tells her she’s not patient with him, and Kelsey calls Jax Jayson.

Brittany asks why Jax doesn’t want her to all him Jayson, and Jax is basically like “I’m trying to know Jayson and who I was before I became Jax.” Brittany. He is literally telling you he doesn’t want to be the person you’re dating anymore. He’s going so far as to change his name. Everything with Jax is a fucking transaction. That’s why he’s pitting this woman he’s known for a few weeks against his live-in girlfriend of two years. Does Jax not realize that Kelsey’s mostly being so kind ot him because he’s paying her, not because she actually likes him? And that she’s showering him with positivity and false platitudes like she’s RuPaul? Jax is that guy at the strip club who wastes his entire retirement fund because that’s the only way he can feel good about himself.

At this point the Trump administration should just hire Jax, he’s a member of their tribe of Transactional Relationships.

Jax tells Brittany about this fake madeup job in Tampa. After he’s told Kelsey already. Jax is that friend who gets an idea in his brain and is 100% in on the idea without considering the reality of the situation. He tells Brittany to her face that right now he doesn’t see anything holding him back and there’s nothing there for him - the implication being that being in Los Angeles with her was the problem. He doesn’t want to be Peter Pan anymore… but as soon as Brittany’s like “great, I want you to grow up, too,” Jax gets mad. She’s giving him support and agreeing with his opinion but he doesn’t want that. The minute Brittany agrees reminds Jax that his behavior isn’t just for him, it effects other people. That’s why he’s like, “God, just say yes. Not ‘you’ or ‘me’ or ‘I’ or ‘us’.” He literally tells her not to talk about the way his actions affect her, positively or negatively. She tells him that she has opinions too and she, in fact, doesn’t have to just stand there and say ”sounds good, honey.” Kelsey, who I only hate because she’s enabled and provided a sociopath with the tools he needs to continue his abusive behavior, told Jax that he needs to put himself first because he never does anything for himself. Brittany rolls her eyes at this entire notion, and so do I.

Brittany will never leave this man. She loves him and she truly believes everything she has will go away if she chooses to leave.

Because the producers want to give us an example of a healthy, functioning relationship, we’re over to Scheana’s apartment where she’s hanging out with her true love - her cat. Oh, and Rob’s there and Scheana’s “made food”4. Scheana immediately pretends like she wants what’s best for Brittany and wants her to get her mojo back by fucking a ton of other dudes. Rob, forever the voice of reason and rooted in some sense of reality, reminds Scheana that Brittany has agency and if she doesn’t want to break up with Jax, Scheana can’t force that to happen. Scheana clearly sees herself in Brittany and thinks Brittany’s just afraid of being alone and would rather stay miserable than be alone.

As soon as Scheana starts on this path, Rob is like OKAY LET’S TALK ABOUT THE ONLY REASON I DATE YOU, to get publicity for the app I’m starting! It’s an e-commerce site where divorced people can selll their shit.

I am literally sitting next to my roommate who works in e-commerce and if she wasn’t paitiently working I would ask her on a scale from 1 to Offset cheating on Cardi B how stupid this idea is.

“The Divorce Closet”. Not everything is a business. Isn’t it a crime to sell someone else’s things without their consent? How is this not just Nasty eBay?

Scheana so admires Rob’s work ethic in creating a brand that literally caters to only her. I don’t want to buy Shay’s broken snowboard or your old Indique hair extensions, Scheana. They’re looking at logos, Scheana’s asking about copyrights, and Rob’s like “well, I have majority equity and you’re the face of the company.”

Read: I make all the money and you do nothing. Get this shit in writing, Scheana. He’s fucking you over. But then again, Scheana is so dickmatized and love-blind that it wouldn’t be romantic to go through all the nitty-gritty of contracts and whatnot with Rob. Rob can install a television in seven minutes and he would never screw over Scheana in The Divorce Closet. She’s so distracted by his baby blue eyes and how much she wants to marry him.

I don’t feel bad for Scheana. We’ve seen Scheana’s delusion in action before - remember when she was convinced Shay’s substance problems could be fixed by him just not drinking as much? Or how after one therapy session she thought all of their problems were fixed? Scheana sees these men as her saviors and her biggest enemies. Shay wasn’t perfect but god damn, I don’t think he deserves the on-camera humiliation that Scheana puts him in week after week. It doesn’t reflect poorly on him. It reflects poorly on her.

Lisa Vanderpump is kissing a horse. She’s at the stables riding Prince Tardon, her sexy horse. Brittany arrives and she’s terrified because she hasn’t rode a horse in forever. These are nothing compared to the tiny horses Brittany has on her farm in Kentucky. Brittany brings up the fact that things with Jax aren’t as bad as they had been in the past, and that she’s even planned this trip to Mexico for them. Why? What is the point of this trip? Lisa asks her why she feels the need to make it all better and celebrate him when he’s done nothing but treat her like crap, and it’s an entirely logical question. Why isn’t Brittany torturing Jax more? Brittany thinks Jax just needs to get away. She wants Vacation Jax. Lisa doesn’t understand why Jax is doing reiki and basically calls bullshit. She doesn’t understand why he’s not going to a convetional therapy.

Lisa tells Brittany she needs to look after herself and take care of herself. Lisa doesn’t understand why she puts up with it, doesn’t see anything changing any time soon.

In effect, Lisa is trying to tell Brittany that she won’t lose everything - she won’t be fired from the show - if she decides to break up with Jax.

We’re back at Tom Tom, and Tom Sandoval is wearing one of the ugliest shirts I have ever seen. Lisa, Ken, and The Toms are waiting for Nickel Lane, Lisa’s restaurant designer. They’re putting a fucking pendulum in TomTom. What is he doing? They want it to look like the inside of a clock inside TomTom. I guess TomTom will just be a long metaphor for how fleeting time can truly be, tick-tock, tick-tock. Sandoval has created some cocktail ideas for the restaurant, one including scorpion chili5. Lisa loves them. Tom finally got some sort of approval.

Over at Stassi’s, she and Kristen are packing their bags for Mexico. Kristen has a dearth of sequin tank tops with spaghetti straps. I love that Kristen is the most consistent person on earth in terms of her fashion choices. T-shirts with “romantic” or “funny” phrases, sequin tank tops, jeans. Wash, rinse, repeat. Stassi’s not excited to be rooming with Kristen because she’s a disaster of a person.

Lala got a spray tan, so he’s ready for Mexico.

Jax has a matching shirt and pants, and Ariana is bringing 100 bikinis.

We get a plane/shots/van/hotel montage, and they’re staying in one of my favorite locations I think I’ve seen on reality TV. Poor Peter has to room with James, and I bet he’s mad he agreed to go on this trip. I really don’t know what’s worse - the idea of James Kennedy having a hotel room to himself or being his roommate. All the rooms in the hotel are nice, but Jax and Brittany’s suite is the best one, it even has a private pool. Jax is wearing a NASCAR shirt, he deserves nothing.

We get an entirely unnecessary scene of Katie and Tom gushing over how happy they are in their relationship and how this first year of marriage has been the easiest and most fun time ever. They give a montage of all of the great moments these two have had as a couple who definitely should have gotten married, but it’s okay, they can eat $10 peanuts now.

Jax and Brittany are skinnydipping and shaming Peter and James for not having their own pool. Brittany mentions to Jax that he seems to be in good spirits and in a good mood and he’s like, “yeah, that’s Kelsey.” To the face of his girlfriend who arranged (along with producers) for this trip for his birthday in the suite she set up. God, I fucking hate him.

Are these people not allowed to leave the hotel?

Stassi and Kristen are trying to come to terms about their arrangement and basically having respect for each other’s space and desires. Stassi tries to tell Kristen that after 2 AM if she’s asleep, let her sleep. This is clearly a problem that’s happened before, and Kristen called Stassi selfish for not staying up all night partying for Jax’s birthday. Honestly, when my friends are going to bed and I’m wasted, I’m tucking them into bed and getting Goodnight Moon out. Kristen seems like the type to wake you up by pouring a glass of water on your face and calling you a bitch.

Stassi especially wants Kristen to stay away from their balcony, particularly with tequila.

Sandoval is ironing a shirt and complaining that it’s harder to get ready in Mexico because of the weather. He’s exfoliating, using less pomade, and somehow he adapts. Somehow.

Jax is 95% going to take this job in Florida and is going to tell Tom & Tom tonight. This is Brand New Information to Brittany, who is right to be upset. They’ve had one conversation about it and Jax is like “you knew this, I told you.” If it’s the same conversation we all saw, he told Brittany but there was no discussion about the reality of of it all. It was more of a “this is a cool thing that happened to me today,” and now it’s a real thing. I HATE THIS MAN. Jax doesn’t understand why Brittany wants to stay in LA and Jax immedaitely goes on the defense. Brittany points out that this is not a overnight decision at all, but to Jax it is. He’s making choices about their future without asking her, and he doesn’t see anything wrong with that.

Can you believe?

Jax is so abusive, I really can’t with him. He’s trying to isolate Brittany by doing this. The fact that the first thing that came to mind in terms of reasons to stay in Los Angeles is “we’re not staying for friends, we’re not children.” Who has been the most vocal regarding Brittany breaking up with Jax? Her friends. This is so tragic, bordering on disturbing. He is trying anything he can to make sure that she cannot make choices for herself. He cheats on her and she’s supposed to blindly support him and not say anything or stand up for herself.

Jax honestly needs to get a blow-up doll. Jax is the prime candidate for one of those sex robots. You know how in come countries they castrate pedophiles? Jax Taylor should be forced to never interact with women ever again once he gets his sex robot. We will all be better off.

Jax keeps saying this is his dream and he fully thought Brittany was on board, and Brittany basically is like, “what about my dreams, Jax?’” He never once considered her feelings in all of this, he assumed she would follow him anywhere. He has clearly made up his mind in the way he’s talking to her - there’s no reflection on what she’s saying, he honestly just thinks she’s upset because they’re leaving Los Angeles. Yes, Brittany can be a bartender anywhere, but right now, she’s being a bartender in Los Angeles and she’s okay with that. He thinks she’s going to force him to give up his dream, but he’s never considered hers.

Why does she stay? I really don’t understand why she stays. I really, really don’t. At this point, it’s just sad. I get it, you love the lifestyle he provides. But she can’t grow with him. And honestly, if she’s staying with him after he cheated, she doesn’t get to bring up the fact that he cheated over and over again to win arguments. Jax had done an abundance of awful things that should be thrown in his face, but she told him she forgave him and was trying to move past it. She can’t move past it if she’s continuing to weaponize it.

Ugh, did I just defend Jax?!

For some reason we get a scene of Lisa Vanderpump at Sexy Unique Restaurant, saying hello to Billie Lee and yelling at someone for their not-sexy plating. There are some good bartenders behind the bar for once and they get their time in the spotlight, finally. One is Daddy Bae Adam and the other is WeSley.

You’re probably wondering why I capitalized that S. The response is that it’s not pronounced “Wisley” like you’re used to. The S is emphaised - WeS-ley. Daddy Bae Adam wants to see about moving from barbacking to bartending, and Lisa is immediately skeptical. Lisa’s like, yeah, you’re cute, but can you muddle for five hours straight, because that’s what the Sexy Unique Bartenders are expected to do. I’m not making this up. There one-third of the cocktails on the Sexy Unique Website for Sexy Unique Restaurant have a muddled ingredient. I am now concerned for Ariana’s wrists. No one else’s.

Sorry, though, Lisa. Adam is far too hot to keep behind the bar and not in front of it. Why are you letting Jax, a bag of steroids disguising itself as a person, be one of the faces of your bar? Lisa asks Adam to make her a mojito, and he fucks it up right away. He’s better than Jax ever could be as a bartender, though. We get a loving montage of Jax making bad drinks and not giving a fuck. Who cares if Adam mistakes sweet-and-sour with soda water? Jax once served someone a cocktail with broken glass in place of ice.

How is Jax not in jail.

Back in Mexico Musical Cue: “we don’t need so sleep because the party don’t stop / so put your hands on me and turn me on, turn me on”.

I don’t need to go further into the fact that these lyrics have no relationship to one another, right?

The Mexico group is off to dinner, and they’re talking about the plans they have for the next day. They’re going to a water park! They take shots celebrating Scheana’s divorce because it’s finalized! Scheana’s gushing about Rob again because she has nothing else to talk about except her significant others, and Stassi says she needs to find a new hobby. I agree. Stassi is literally how I am when my friends go on about their significant others for more than I feel appropriate. Rob has infiltrated Stassi’s psyche and she’s even having nightmares about him now.

A former friend of mine in college6 lived in a house with three of her sorority sisters and she happened to be only single one. The fact that her roommates were sleeping not in their house but over at their respective significant others bothered her so deeply that it was all she talked about for three months. Because she couldn’t go to them about this problem, she came to me. Every conversation we had was about how she didn’t feel comfortable with staying in her house alone. To this day, I wonder if she ever talked to them about it. Anyway, the point of all of this is that her complaints began to effect me. I was having nightmares and full of anxiety about her situation. Stassi’s joking, but really - people who lack the awareness that their bombarding the conversation with one topic are the most selfish people on Earth. This girl was a walking red flag.

Jax takes the Toms aside to tell them about his Fake Job opportunity. The Toms are devastated to lose Jax and the band breaking up. Who are they going to hide behind and pretend they’re better than? How are they going to feel better about committing bad behaviors if they don’t have Jax to compare it to? They don’t want Jax to leave because they might have to feel remorseful.

Brittany tells the girls about Jax’s fake job opporunity, and I love that everyone’s skeptical. Kristen’s like “so, it’s real?’ And Katie asks if they subjected him to a spelling test. Remember Jax’s sweater line? Or his fitness app? All the girls are mad that Jax assumed that Brittany’s just going to pack up and move along with her, and Stassi is the first to explode about it. All the girls are telling her he treats her like shit and she doesn’t need to deal with that. Scheana tries to defend Brittany but everyone’s like, wait, weren’t you trying to set her up with the hot new bartender just last week? Shut up.

Jax approaches and Stassi tells him he’s Public Enemy Number One.

He sits back down at the table, and everyone’s like “So, Tampa?” And Jax is like, “Y’all can come visit!” They ask Jax what he’s doing for this Fake Job, and he says “events and social media.”

Okay, Jax. Sure, Jan. I don’t know a single company that would link their events team and social media team. They’re both marketing but very different types of marketing. And no, he is not “in charge of social media”. Jax literally cannot come up with a title for his job because he does not have this job.

Ariana brings up that she really wants to make sure that Brittany can do what she wants out of life, even if she does go with Jax to do this or not. This turns into Jax literally learning what his girlfriend’s life dream is. They’ve been together for two years and he literally cannot recall that Brittany wants to work with children with mental disabilities. She did it in high school, and it’s what she went to fucking school for.

Brittany, why? Why do you do this?! I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

She’s giving him so many chances to be a good boyfriend. She’s literally like, “You know, I’ve told you what I want to do a bunch of times, don’t make a fool of me in front of my friends, just pretend you know what I’m talking about.” And Jax is too dumb to play along and further humiliates her. He doesn’t care about her whatsoever. All he had to say is like “oh yeah, of course I’ve heard you say that.” But he doesn’t. This information he should know, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t even want to.

Lala wins the fucking episode when she reminds Jax that he is no longer single, he’s in a partnership of two years, and he needs to respect her. Jax tells her to shut up, and she loses it in only the way a woman tired of being told to be silent does. She’s fed up and she’s had enough of his blatant disrespect. Lala can’t get any respect from these men and they really do need to stop telling her to shut up when she’s holding them accountable.

Imagine a bunch of people telling you you’re treating someone like shit and to change and your response is to tell them to shut up instead of considering maybe you’re a bad person. Just imagine.

Jax tells Lala she doesn’t know him well enough to speak to him the way she is, and we get to see Lala’s old face and Jax before his hairline decided it was disgusted by him in a montage, where we remember that a) Jax really wanted to fuck Lala and b) Jax diminished and disrespected his relationship with Brittany in order to try to fuck Lala. Lala knows firsthand what a shithead Jax is and is definitely allowed to speak on it.

When Jax tries to shut Lala down, that allows Kristen to rise from the ashes, because if Lala doesn’t know him well enough, Kristen/Katie/Stassi definitely do. Jax tries an ad hominem attack, this one being “Why isn’t Carter here, Kristen? What’s wrong with your relationship?” And Kristen literally is like “... yeah, that has nothing to do with what’s going on here.”

My personal favorite defense is when people are getting held accountable for shitty things they’ve done and their response is “well, you’re not perfect.” No one was ever saying that they were (Especially not Kristen). You don’t have to be perfect to know when someone is being bad. You just need to be a decent person. Jax is the most manipulative and abusive asshole and I hope someone runs him over.

Ariana has a napkin over her head, and Sandoval decides it’s time to jump into the conversation because Jax needs a defender at this time. No, Jax doesn’t, and Sandoval can fuck right off for this. Stassi is telling Jax that she stays quiet whenever she hears the way Jax speaks to Brittany even though she’s not okay with it, and Sandoval tries to tell her that she doesn’t have a leg to stand on because Stassi is Jax’s ex-girlfriend so of course her opinion is biased against Jax. Sandoval, your opinion is biased FOR Jax. He’s acting like losing Jax to Florida is somehow equal to Jax’s awful, abusive behavior. He’s acting like his devastation is equal to the devastation Brittany’s self-esteem is suffering.

Next Week: Watersports, and not the sexy kind. Oh, that Kristen vs. Stassi thing is going to be an actual Thing, apparently. Scheana tells Rob she’s trying to be present and he tells her to shut her phone off (supportive, right?) But no, Scheana discovers Rob basically doesn’t want to hear from her. Lisa is aware of Scheana’s meddling in Jax and Brittany’s relationship, and so is Jax, and Jax is mad that Brittany might actually want better for herself than him. Who woulda thunk it?

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Who told Brittany and Jax that robin’s egg blue is a good color for a living room area?

Jax doesn’t want a partner because that would require him to see women as companions. Jax wants a mother and a his buddies.

Scheana apparently only watches her scenes. I love that. She’s awful.

Honestly, the fact that Lisa Vanderpump doesn’t have restaurants called Sous, Dans, Devant, and Derriere is a loss for her. This is a French language joke, brought to you by my tenth grade French teacher and the direction song. 

I really want to go to Mexico.

Brittany hasn’t realized that Jax tired of his shiny new toy and she thinks she can get him to fall in love with her again. And the harder she tries, the less interested he is. I’m not going to say I’ve been in the situation before because I never know who is reading this, but man, I can see Jax’s side. Like, when I’m done with someone, I’m done. And the more they try to make me change my mind, the more done I become. By the end of my last relationship I would be ideal for Donald Trump with how done I was.

Further evidence that this job does not exist: Jax only lies to protect himself.

I can't wait to see The Divorce Closet on Shark Tank.

Bartenders, or if we’re being obnoxious, mixologists, or if we’re being pretentious, “cocktail artists”, are some of the most protective over their intellectual property. Then again, if I made a cocktail with 15 different ingredients that I had to source from the bottom of a gold-plated barrel, I would be too. ↩︎

I had to turn on the subtitles because I spent the last episode like “What kind of name is Nicole Ain?” Or “Nickle Ayn”? ↩︎

Yes, I know Stassi si from New Orleans. We’ve never heard her use “y’all” until now, and honestly, I’m so pro a gender-neutral plural that I think y’all shouldn’t be exclusively for Southern people. SORRRRRRRY. But y’all also can’t tell me she didn’t say this just because she was around black people. ↩︎

Why are people still replating carryout food and pretending they made it?! I know you didn’t do this. ↩︎

I fucking hate spicy cocktails and I judge cocktail bars with them on their menu. Oh god, I’m totally going to get myself into a lot of fucking trouble with my bartender friends SORRY Y’ALL ↩︎

Every single episode I wonder how they’re going to top the generic musical intros they use on this show, but here we are - this week, it’s simply “na, na, na, nah, nah.” Also known as, my approach to writing this blog lately!

Apologies. I’ve gone through a lot in the last few months. I’m back, I promise. Just in time for the finale, of course!

OF COURSE.

We start in West Hollywood in Tom and Ariana’s apartment, where Ariana is dreading going to hair removal. Ariana is teaching Tom the basic essentials to hair removal, and Sandoval is straight up shocked you don’t roll up there with a full bush and they just buzz through it like some kind of laser lawn mower. No, you have to be fully shaved, closely shaved, so they can access the hair follicle more easily. If they could superimpose an NBC “The More You Know” rainbow over this entire scene, that would be fantastic.

Ariana’s working on body positivity and #embracinghervagina, but it’s a slow process of both undoing that hatred and gaining some sense of self-love there. Hopefully one day she’ll love her vagina as much as she should. Sandoval loved their trip to Vegas because it was like, an adult trip - he wasn’t black out drunk the entire time, just like, 75% of the time. Who cares if Lisa had to kick Tom and Tom out of a meeting because they were out of control and being annoying? Not Sandoval! He showed up, and that’s what matters. I wonder how Tom pays his rent with the brownie points he’s getting.

Over at Sexy Unique Restaurant, the Generic Music cue is “Oh, Superstitilous”.

Can someone. Tell me. What “Superstitilous” means.

I cannot think of a sentence where I would need to combine “superstitious” and “delicious” into one word. I literally have tried to for the last hour. Like, maybe if it’s the Boston Marathon or something and you’re eating pasta? “This pasta is so superstitilous, I hope it brings me good luck tomorrow.”

I’m trying, y’all.

DJ James Kennedy, CBE, and Raquel, his squeak-toy-turned-girlfriend, are over at Sexy Unique Restaurant. James is putting on a jacket because his father is coming by and he wants to give off the vibe of being Very Smart. James, a jacket can only do so much for you. It’s his dad’s first time coming to visit after getting divorced frrom his mother, and his father is just as much of a British stereotype as you can think of. His dad is a less attractive Robbie Coltrane1 with worse teeth. He’s wearing sunglasses that can only be described as Creepy Manager Chic, and a baseball cap and a black polo.

It’s like they yanked him straight out of 24 Hour Party People2. We’re reminded that James was surrounded by music growing up - not only did his dad manage George Michael, but he was a DJ himself. He is also a grown man wearing an ear cuff.

James’ dad has no idea what his son’s drink of choice is, or that James cannot drink while on the job. James said his dad isn’t a bad influence, he just doesn’t understand why James can’t work and drink at the same time. Raquel continues to be like “if Lisa catches you with a drink, you’re donzo.” Speaking of, Lisa arrives for this week’s contracted meddling. She talks with Billie Lee, and then talks to James and his dad. Ken’s known Andreas (James’s dad), forever, but Lisa only knows him through George Michael, she’s keen to remind us.

Scheana and Lala3 meet with Brittany at Hooters, where they’re celebrating Jax’s 83rd birthday. He claims it’s his 38th, but we all know the truth. He’s not fooling anyone. Brittany knows she’s better than doing anything for Jax, let alone throw him a birthday party, but you know what? She’s all in on this relationship with this philanderer. Stassi, Schwartz, and Katie all arrive, shocked they’re downtown... but Hooters might be the only reason they’ll ever go downtown. Fuck Jax.

Stassi reminds us that when she broke up with Jax, she all but dug her key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive and carved her name into his leather seats, but she can’t judge Brittany for coping in her own way. Jax calls this the perfect birthday party for his inner child, because there’s nothing better than going to Hooters. My only experiences with Hooters have been this show and that episode of The Office, so I can’t confirm or deny this.

Stassi’s complaining about having big boobs, and how girls with small boobs will never know the pain of underboob sweat. As someone who’s new to the entire concept of having boobs, this is very true. It’s actually awful, and kind of gross. Katie can hold a pencil under her boobs, Stassi can hold an entire pack of rats. I can’t, and as someone who was thrilled she couldn’t hold a pencil case between her thighs, I’ll just go along with their entire thing here.

RealDoll Scheana takes Jax aside and confronts him about what Kristen told her Jax said about her and Rob. Rob says he loves RealDoll Scheana, but he’s not in love with her yet - even though she is, and she’s planning their entire life together down to the pillow shams they’ll have in the lake house. Rob may tell Scheana he loves her, but Jax was told something different. Scheana can’t imagine that this is true. There’s so much meaning behind not telling your significant other you love them every time you say goodbye.

Delusion, by Scheana Shay.

She knows they’re going to get married - sure, it’s not as quickly as she’d like it to be, but they’re going to. How does she know this? Does Rob know this? For once, Jax is in the right, and y’all know how much I hate it when that happens. He’s just trying to bring Scheana back down to Earth because she’s looking at her entire life through her Instagram feed. If she can project perfection4 to everyone else, eventually that’ll become true. She’s trying to The Secret her entire life. As someone who tries not to fuck with the universe and tries not to put things out there that can come back to me later5, even I know at a certain point it’s out of my control. Scheana hasn’t, clearly.

Peter asks Brittany how it feels to be back at Hooters, and she’s happy to be there. Ariana, with a mouth full of chicken, is like, “it’s so nice of Jax to take us to church on his birthday.” Ariana remains my favorite.Sandoval and Tom have gotten Jax a gift - a male romper. I’m guessing this was that time last summer that romphims were shocking the world, and honestly, there’s nothing wrong with it? I never understood why it was such a big deal. I mean, guys don’t even have to get naked to pee in their rompers. They should be much more of a staple in men’s attire than women’s.

Oh god, am I defending rompers?

The next day, Stassi and Billie Lee are headed to Kristen and Carter’s apartment, and Billie swears she’s not an alcoholic. Billie Lee immediately greets them with gluten-free vegan brownies and bread and she was doing so good up until this moment. Do not walk into my house with gluten-free vegan anything. Stassi loves Billie Lee. I did too, at one time. Apparently, Jeremy, Ariana’s brother, asked Billie Lee out on a date. Kristen and Stassi are skeptical and want to make sure it’s in public because Jeremy’s a creep.

Or so they think.

Jeremy’s kind of a creep and a lingerer, and at Schwartz and Katie’s wedding got a little too drunk and handsy, making Stassi uncomfortable. Kristen hopes he’s not just trying to fuck Jeremy, and Billie Lee’s like “Uh, that’s what I want.” As soon as she says that, they’re like, “oh, well, that’s okay.” It’s fine if a dude creeps you out if you want to fuck him, I guess? Billie Lee’s nervous now, however. I don’t blame her.

Scheana and Brittany6 are at BBCM for brunch, and Brittany’s refusing to drink. Brittany’s happy that she cleared the air with Jax, and Scheana’s like “yeah, there’s no way what he said was true, so it’s fine.” Scheana wants Brittany to be as happy with Jax as Scheana is with Rob because Scheana is determined to make sure that Brittany stays the hell away from Jax. Scheana knows a lot of people, which has never been said without an air of malice around it. Brittany’s hoping Jax will turn into the person she fell in love with, which is hilarious.

If you’re hoping your boyfriend will just… squash part of his personality that you don’t like, Brittany, you might as well be wafting in Delusion, by Scheana Shay. Jax is abusive. End of story. Scheana texted Adam, the hot new guy at Sexy Unique Restaurant7, because he asked about Brittany. Honestly, Scheana really thinks she’s Cher Horowitz and Brittany is Tai. She wants Brittany away from Travis Birkenstock (Jax) and in the pants of literally anyone else, but hopefully Elton (Adam). I see you, Scheana.

You will never be Cher Horowitz. The closest you’ll come is American Woman, Kyle Richards’s show about her life starring Alicia Silverstone.

We’re at the site for TomTom, and Schwartz wants nothing more than to be shoveling dirt with the construction site. Schwartz, clearly not knowing where he was going, is wearing fucking sandals. Katie married a grown man who wears sandals. All the time. Who doesn’t know to wear closed-toed shoes to a construction site? Does Tom Schwartz realize that a ton of health codes require closed-toes shoes in restaurants? He’s gonna die.

Sandoval is still trying to direct the set up of the bar area, and Lisa shuts that the fuck down. Again, Sandoval thinks he’s a true partner in all of this, but what Lisa wants him to do is what she wanted him to do at Sexy Unique Restaurants - craft a cocktail menu. That’s it. Nothing else. She doesn’t want your design input or any tips on what kind of food you’d like. She literally wants Tom to go to all his favorite bars in Los Angeles, choose his favorite cocktails from there, and assemble a list.

Oh, Sandoval. You only own 5% of the restaurant. Have you been wearing Delusion, by Scheana Shay?

Queen Lala arrives at Scheana’s apartment literally dressed like a goddess, in a white two-piece outfit. She looks like a California princess and clearly, she’s just touched up her lips because they are PLUMP, girl8. Following behind is Billie Lee, and then we get some shady shots of all the photos of Rob and Scheana in Scheana’s glam room.

The producers hate Scheana so much, I love it. Billie Lee needs a drink immediately upon arrival, and the girls are all happy to comply. Scheana’s pulled a few outfits for Billie to wear on her date, and Billie tells the details of her conversation with Kristen and Stassi. Billie Lee’s skeptical because Stassi gave the implication that Jeremy will just bounce from girl to girl to girl, hoping for some kind of positive interactions. Lala and Scheana are like, “well, he’s never tried anything with us, so.”

I do want to touch base on the “Well, he never did anything to make me uncomfortable, so,” response. A broken clock is right twice a day. Sometimes people we think are good are capable of doing bad things. Sometimes people’s behavior can be interpreted differently. A part of how the #metoo movement came into being was the collective idea that these people couldn’t have done this, they were good because of [xyz]. Did we learn nothing from Spotlight? The Catholic Church protected its own, we will forever protect our own instead of listening to victims. Listen. You’ll learn something. Reexamine people and their impact. Just because someone hasn’t hurt you, doesn’t mean they’re not capable of it.

Lala is immediately riled up because Kristen and Stassi tend to say things that not only hurt feelings but affect others’ lives in the long run. Billie was excited about her date until they brought up all of those thoughts.

Everyone loves and adores Billie. Especially Lala, who loves her tits. Billie chooses a green printed romper, and she looks cute. I won’t even hate. It’s a great date outfit.

Billie and Lala go to get a drink, and Lala’s getting buzzed before going into work because she’s the fucking best. She is all of us. Lala’s there to calm Billie down before her date because Lala understands the nerves and butterflies and jitters that accompany the first date. Jeremy arrives, and Billie immediately sets her sights on setting the mood. Guys are hesitant to date her because she is trans and people talk, and Jeremy’s like, “Whatever dude, you’re a girl and you should be acknowledged as such, who cares.”

This is the correct response.

Because this show can’t introduce anyone without bringing them up again, we’re meeting DJ James Kennedy, KCMG, and his fucking dad again9. James is ordering alcoholic slushies, Andres claims that George Michael christened him and spat on him, passing along his musical powers. Is that how powers are spread? Through spit? Like a cold? Having George Michael as a godfather has made James determined to be Something. Him and Lala together. James’ dad lost everything when George Michael and he had a falling out, and now James is getting over his struggle. He cries when thinking about his dad. Somehow, I find it within me not to feel bad for him. Maybe it’s my own personal daddy shit that prevents this.10

Back at Sexy Unique Restaurant, the cast is still pretending they work there, and Lisa’s doing her obligated table greeting. Max Vanderpump-Todd got a $2,000 tip the night before, and that’s worth celebrating. Ariana’s leaving early because they’ve got a girls’ outing, and Lisa can sense that Ariana’s pissed11 about something. Ariana’s caught a whiff of what Kristen and Stassi were saying about Jeremy, and she’s upset. Scheana told this to Ariana, and Ariana can’t believe it, because he’s her brother, of course. I mean, Jeremy saved Sexy Unique Restaurant from burning down, and Lisa is endlessly thankful. She even gives him some money.

In case you didn’t know, the musical cue is “I came to get down,” so you know we’re headed to The Lion Tavern for a wild girls’ night out. Scheana and Ariana are greeted by Brittany and the rest of the girls. There are two factions - Ariana/Scheana/Lala, and Stassi & The Pussycats, but they’ve both come together because of their mutual love for Brittany. Stassi immediately asks how Ariana’s vagina was because thankfully we’re basically spared an entire scene of Ariana undergoing laser hair removal, and get like, ten seconds. Scheana immediately makes everyone uncomfortable when they’re all complimenting their own vaginas by being like “well, my boyfriend likes it, so.” Girl. Read the room. No one cares about Rob’s opinion of your vagina, they only care about yours.

Ugh, the patriarchy.

Lala brings up the Jeremy-shaped elephant in the room and calls Stassi out for trying to scare Billie Lee. Stassi claims she was being supportive, and Scheana’s like, “That’s definitely not how she took it.”

You know how I hate when Jax is right? I hate when Scheana’s right just as much.

Ariana tries to get them to bring up the wedding, and Stassi’s like, “I don’t want to hurt anyone!!!” It’s okay if she hurts people unintentionally, she just doesn’t want to do it on purpose. Scheana leaves because she’s got a curfew to return to her RealDoll box, and Katie immediately is like “IT’S MY TURN FOR CAMERA TIME.” She says that she got a lot of complaints at her wedding regarding Jeremy’s behavior, that he was even predatory. Ariana wants to snatch Katie’s wig as soon as she uses that word, and immediately defends her brother. Katie, being the ultimate in hypocrisy, tells Ariana she needs to advocate for those who can’t advocate for themselves right now. Katie is such trash because this is so pointed and so purposeful and so intended to make Ariana feel like a hypocrite. We get it, Katie, you hate Ariana and you really hate that she’s a better person than you are. Ariana reads between Katie’s lines, and Katie tries doing the plausible deniability thing and claiming Ariana misheard her. Lala comes and sits next to Ariana and tries to soothe her, but Ariana is so upset at this point that she’s seeing red.

I get why Ariana’s upset. She’s defending her family and Katie’s essentially saying she’s a bad feminist for doing so. I’m not saying Ariana’s right, and I’m definitely not saying Katie’s right. There’s a better way to handle this, but they should have known that with family involved, the emotions are heightened. Katie, you defend Schwartz’s shitty behavior constantly. Shut up. Ariana dismisses herself from the table and all the girls are like “Wait, sit down, calm down, what?” Stassi makes a false equivalency by saying Ariana can criticize Stassi all she wants under “hard truths”, yet Stassi can’t criticize Jeremy.

Because Ariana is not responsible for her brother’s behavior, and since she doesn’t know the entire story, she can only defend him. She’s not right for this. She could have listened more. But their issue is with Jeremy, not Ariana. The most feminist thing to do is to demand they hold Jeremy accountable instead of getting angry at Ariana for her brother’s bad behavior.

Over at Jax and Brittany’s apartment, Jax has a drum kit he’s showing to Tom Sandoval. Even Sandoval is like, “Man, you got spoiled for a guy who just cheated on his girlfriend.” Brittany is reinforcing bad behaviors by treating Jax like this. He’ll definitely cheat again if she continues to reward it. Tom decides to head over to Schwartz and Katie’s apartment because he needs to talk to Katie about what happened with Ariana. He calls it “complete and total bullshit”, because he’s Tom Sandoval. He’s never found a man he won’t blindly defend to the death.

Over at Katie and Tom’s, Stassi and Kristen have arrived and they’re going to make their own perfumes.

Are they making Delusion, by Scheana Shay?

Sandoval comes over and Schwartz immediately tells him to proceed with caution. Sandoval starts out and denies all of Jeremy’s behavior. Stassi and Kristen are continuing to maintain that Jeremy made them uncomfortable and Sandoval just... denies it. He literally says no, that didn't happen. He wasn't there, how would he know?

You don’t get to tell someone how they feel, Sandoval. You can’t just shoot down the way someone else feels. If multiple people are claiming to feel some kind of way about something, it might be worth inspecting. What do I know, though?

The most important part is when Stassi asks, “why would I lie about this?” When it comes to a lie, you always have to look at the side of the person who benefits from the lie. Stassi doesn’t benefit from lying about this, and neither do the millions of women who come forward with accusations of sexual misconduct. There is more to lose by coming forward, and literally nothing to gain. If you think they’re looking for a payoff, wonder who benefits from being paid to keep silent. Not the women. I once heard a story of a woman who came forward with accusations of sexual assault, signed an NDA and took the money, and then came to find out her NDA was so strict she couldn’t even talk about her experience with a therapist.

She attempted suicide because of it. Fuck NDAs, and fuck anyone who thinks that women who come forward about sexual harassment are looking to get paid off. There is no money that can erase that experience. And no amount of money is worth more than actual punishment. Sandoval doesn’t know what he’s talking about because he wasn’t there. Stassi’s tired of protecting men and Tom Sandoval tells her to watch herself. A man telling a woman to watch herself when she’s telling the truth is some Crucible bullshit. Tom claiming he’ll start telling truths about them if they continue to talk is just… sad, petty behavior.

Then again, Tom will protect every single move Jax makes if he can. It’s shocking Ariana, who is proudly pro-women, will put up with Tom, who is definitely pro-men in every single way.

Back at Jax and Brittany’s apartment, Brittany gets a call from her dad. Oh, and Brittany hasn’t told her dad about Jax’s cheating, even though she’s told her mother. She’s afraid to tell her dad because he’s gonna be upset. We get shots of Jax sensing something ominous in the air and listening in on Brittany’s conversation when she tells her dad Jax cheated on her.

Brittany’s dad is unsurprised. He can’t help himself. He has no control. Brittany’s heard this before from him, and that’s why she’s put distance between them. She doesn’t want her dad to “I told you so” her, but… he told her so. Brittany’s dad is a lot less unforgiving than Brittany’s mom, who is on her third marriage and continually tells Brittany to just put her head down and deal with it because she’s on TV now. Brittany’s dad wants him to grow up and get serious, and he doesn’t think that now that Jax is 485 years old if that’s really possible. If he wanted to grow up, he’d be grown up. Brittany’s dad is most definitely not on Team Jax.

Jax is like, “oh man, I’m doing so good at the drums now! What did your dad say? What did he say?” Jax isn’t upset about Brittany’s dad not liking him - he couldn’t give a fuck - he’s again, more upset that she’s “airing out their dirty laundry”. Talking to your parent about your relationship is not airing out dirty laundry. The fact that Jax was Brittany to isolate any conversation about him and his behavior is textbook abuser behavior. He only wants to talk about it with her so he can tell her how she feels. None of these other people have his side, only hers, so what do they know?

God, Brittany. Stop. This man thinks you talking to your parents about your problems is “dirty laundry”. No. That’s what they’re there for.

Brittany doesn’t want to deal with the pain and strife this would put on her family ever again. They’re already predisposed not to like him and she’s not trying to pile on. Jax promises he won’t do anything like that again (LIAR), but she’s not perfect, either.

Why. Are. Men. Like. This.

One of the reasons my ex and I broke up was his almost blatant refusal to see my side in things. Literally, one time we were talking, and I mentioned that the fact that does that bothers me. He apologized, and then immediately was like “well, you do that too.” And I burst into tears. I was already on edge, already frustrated at not being heard and not listened to, and here he was, making that my problem. It’s this stubborn need to always be not only right but right and justified in every situation. “It’s fine for me to do this because you do it too.” I’m not saying I’m right in my actions. But if I’m asking you not to hurt me, what’s so wrong with just apologizing?

Why do you need to say, “I’m sorry, but this isn’t only my fault”?

Brittany admits to her bad behavior and owns up to her imperfections, but Jax won’t. He’s like, “own up to it,” and she will. He tells her if she’s not happy, maybe she needs to move on. I don’t disagree, but this is just him trying to get out from under bad behavior. I do the same thing. “You chose to be with me, you can leave at any point.”

Jax just always needs to be the good guy. That’s Brittany’s problem. His need to be the good guy in his mind will always trump any of her feelings. Good Guys are just as bad as Nice Guys.

Lala, Ariana12 and Scheana head to the bar, where people are meeting them, namely Daddy Adam, who is my new bae. They’re all there to basically show Brittany that she doesn’t need Jax and that she’s swimming in a sea of hot dudes who want to bang her. Scheana knows that Jax is never going to change and the love of a good woman won’t do shit - he doesn’t deserve Brittany. Hottie Adam shows up and orders seven shots of tequila upon arrival. Brittany’s Out To Flirt and piss off Jax, and Adam is prime real estate.

Lala mentions her conversation with Stassi, and that she doesn’t think she’s out to get anyone. Scheana and Ariana are pissed at Stassi and Brittany’s defending Stassi. It’s charming, but only a tiny bit. Scheana’s drunk and takes Brittany aside for a drunken truth-telling. She tells Brittany the truth - you will never be able to change Jax, you don’t deserve to be treated like this, and you can do better. And Brittany’s main problem? She loves Jax. And she can’t just like, stop loving him. Scheana can’t understand her thought process on this, and Brittany can’t explain to people that she knows he’s wrong but she still loves him. Scheana doesn’t want Brittany to be where she is - 32, divorced and starting over from scratch.

Scheana knows what it’s like to lie to yourself and convince yourself it’s all going to work out in the end. It’s hilarious because she’s acting like she used to do this when she’s doing it right now. God damn, I love the producers of this show.

Next Time: Lisa doesn’t understand why Brittany’s still celebrating Jax, let alone taking him to Mexico for his birthday. Lala is “ready for Mexico” in that she’s… way too tan. Scary tan. We’re going to Playa del Carmen! Lala ain’t taking any of Jax’s shit. Sandoval needs to fuck off.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Y’all know I love Ariana and shit, but god damn, that red dress in the talking head? With the corset front? No. Ariana, take it off. Immediately. Trust me.

Meanwhile, Tom Sandoval’s talking head with the polka dot bowtie and the plaid pants? I love it. It’s so extra. He looks like a sexy butler.

Scheana thinks Billie Lee and Jeremy are fated because they both smoke weed.

Is Billie Lee the first trans person on Bravo? Bravo, Bravo, then.

I mean, Stassi and Kristen have a point to be afraid of being around Jeremy.

Okay, really - Brittany is losing sympathy for staying with Jax, and fast. The only way she can redeem herself is to dump him. She can’t keep putting herself in these scenarios and expecting a different response.

Hagrid from Harry Potter, for you Yanks. ↩︎

What part of England are the Kennedys from? Are they from Manchester? ↩︎

Who has taken to pronouncing “baby” like it’s two letters - “BB” ↩︎

Scheana is such a fucking Taurus. ↩︎

I won’t even tell people if I’ve applied for something exciting just in case it backfired. The minute you put something into words and say them aloud to someone else, they’re real. I don’t know where I got this superstition from. ↩︎

I love Brittany’s 2005 glasses so much. ↩︎

OH MY GOD HE ACTUALLY IS THE HOT NEW GUY AT SEXY UNIQUE RESTAURANT. Hellooooo, Adam. Adam, come to mama. ↩︎

In the words of Beverly Johnson, if you don’t have a top lip, get one. Have you guys heard my podcast yet? ↩︎

I’m choosing to think of him as Robbie Coltrane from National Treasure (Not the Nicolas Cage fantasy films, the British series about Operation Yewtree) and less Hagrid. Makes him easier to hate. ↩︎

Same reason I’ve never seen Finding Nemo all the way through but I can handle The Lion King. ↩︎

Read: a producer told her to ask. ↩︎

Oh, y’all didn’t think I was just gonna disappear on you, did you?

Unfortunately for me, I got spoiled early on in the season1 and once that became glaringly clear it was going to be true, I lost all interest in the season until that was going to happen. But alas, here we are. The finale of El Bachelor.

But first, I must get something off of my chest.

From this moment going forward, Arie will now be known as Arby.

Why, do you ask? Because he is the living embodiment of the worst fast-food dining experience I have ever had, which was at an Arby’s.

Much like Arby’s, Arie isn’t awful all the time. It has its moments of decent glory, which is fine. In a pinch, it’s there and it gets the job done. Would I personally want to have it every single day? No, but I know people who wouldn’t complain about that life. No one ever gets super excited about Arby’s, though. We kind of forget Arby’s until there’s no other preferable options around. Arby’s will make you sick and then give you some coupons to make up for it and then two days later you still have explosive diarrhea and you’re wondering “Why did I even take the coupons?”

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m Becca, and Arie is Arby’s in this scenario.

The episode opens with My Mortal Enemy Chris Harrison talking us live on the air and telling us that we’re going to see a completely un-edited version of the final scene of the season. I get the dramatic effect of doing all of this, but like… that just sounds like a lot of dead air. Anyway, we’re still in Peru! Arby’s struggling with the idea that at the end of all of this, he has to choose someone.

Right? That’s what his issue is. He doesn’t like the fact that he has to choose. There’s a struggle in that Becca is who he probably should be with, and The Last Remaining Lauren is the one he wants2 because he likes the way her hair moves, or something. A literal rainbow shines over Becca when she comes up wearing the jean jacket with the sheepskin every boy who grew up in Brooklyn has in both denim and leather. The editors can’t fake a rainbow.

I mean they can, but it would be absolutely monstorous to do that. Like, if anything could get me to stop watching this show, a fake ass rainbow is the thing to do it.

Lauren comes out with a glass of champagne and writes in her gournal and Arby’s like “she’s a risk, she’s been reserved, she doesn’t know if she wants to open up - but she loves me!” Lauren’s gournal is probably just her writing “Mrs. Lauren Ludfjdhlfjsfheljahdsfkchyk” over and over, let’s be real. Girl ain’t got a thought deep enough to journal about.

We’re seeing Arby’s family for the first time since he dragged Krystal to Scottsdale. The only advice his dad has for him is “Good luck, buddy.” Which is great advice from a parent who’s never been in this scenario. The Last Remaining Lauren is so nervous when meeting his parents because… she could be getting engaged to their son after all of this? I mean, I’ve met my significant others’ parents, both serious and not-so-serious, but usually it’s not that big of a deal.

God, I’m going to nitpick everything Lauren says in this episode, aren’t I? I mean, she also barely speaks, so...

Lauren admits that she’s not cool and she’s like “every date is amazing! Everything is amazing!” Arby basically mansplains how she’s feeling to her, and I barf. Lauren says the most words ever when she gives a toast and it’s so… bland. “Here’s to meeting the family of the man I love!!!!” Okay, Lauren. Okay. Lauren’s afraid of getting engaged and it not working out like it did previously, but Arby is good at reassuring her that everything is going to be okay. Which is a good thing to Lauren, but Arby’s like, “dude, am I going to constantly have to remind her that it’s okay, because we’ve actually never had a real conversation and that’s exhausting.”

How do you love someone you’ve never had a real conversation with?

Lauren talks to Arby’s mom about the fact that she loves Arby but she knows there’s another girl in the picture. Arby’s mom is actually really good in the moment because yeah, it’s hard. Can you imagine? She does her best to reassure Lauren and tells her to remain positive and then Lauren admits that she doesn’t like to talk about her feelings. I wonder what compelled Lauren to go on this show, then?

My favorite part is that Lauren, who just admitted she wasn’t cool, gets called “cool” by Arby’s mom.

The next day, Arby’s entire family is like, “alright, I guess we’ll meet Becca now, whatever,” and Becca rolls up with a basket and a gorgeous bouquet of flowers because no girl who works in PR isn’t gonna come through with the big guns, OKAY? Arby and Becca have a conversation that basically confirms what we later know to be true - Arby wants to want Becca, but Arby really wants a girl like Lauren. He doesn’t like the fact that Becca’s so confident in their relationship and wants to reassure her from time to time. He thinks he doesn’t want a woman to need him, but that’s all he wants3.

Arby’s family immediately takes to Becca - save for Arby’s mom, who is still Team Lauren. Becca turns that around with no effort and Arby’s mom is like, “yeah, they’re both great.” Arby’s dad asks Becca how she feels about Lauren, and Becca’s like, “uh… she’s great but we’re not best friends.” They didn’t need to air this. So boring. Arby’s dad is like, “eh, I’ll be fine regardless of who he picks.” Literally every time she sits down with a member of Arby’s family, they’re like, “So, Lauren, right?” What did she do yesterday to have these people so under her spell?!

Arby sits down with his family and talks through his dilemma, and his family is pretty much 100% in on Becca, because she’s the clear better choice. She doesn’t have reservations about their relationship.

Back at the live studio, Caroline has appeared! Caroline, who will make a great Paradise contestant alongside Bekah M and Tia, caused a mighty uproar at Women Tell All when she looked Arby dead in the eyes and said, “Bitch, I know what you did, and you should be ashamed of yourself. (Bitch was my personal inclusion.) Caroline still maintains that if what she’s heard is true, Arby is despicable and vile garbage. He doesn’t know what he wants and went through the process believing one thing but actually doing another.

It’s Arby’s last date with Lauren, and he’s feeling melancholic about it. That’s not the first time anyone’s used “melancholy” in reference to Arby. They’re going to Machu Picchu, on a private train, which obviously means someone’s getting Murdered on the Orient Express or they’re going to The Bad Place. Trains don’t mean anything good is going to come. Even Snowpiercer. That movie was about a train, and it was AWFUL. One of the worst movies I have ever seen. And they’re making a TV show about it?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO TILDA.

They hold hands and talk about the clouds and they make out. I have no interest in ever kissing Arby. Kissing Bandit, my ass. They even sneak away from the cameras to make out, blarg. Arby loves that she has a “speckle in her left eye” and I’m not sure what that means. Does she have a sty? They go to dinner, and Lauren basically says the most words she’s ever said ever. He talks about how what they have is inexplicable and he just has a feeling, and it’s like… Yeah, neither does the rest of America. Because she’s said 5 words so far. She talks about their life which is basically make dinner and go to bed. And hang out with their dogs.

... Normal couple stuff.

Oh, this really seems like a couple I’m on board with.

Arby is so in love with her. It’s so weird.

Bekah and Sienne are seating with Chris Harrison and Bekah spills some T - if Arby is really so conflicted, he shouldn’t propose at all. She also gives a look that is simultaneously horror and disgust at the idea of being where Becca and Lauren are right now.

Arby meets with Becca on a rainy day, and Becca looks so European Vacation chic. Look at her body suit. I love her. They get to walk the streets of Cusco4 and meet some alpacas. I would like to kiss an alpaca more than I would ever like to kiss Arby. We get some ominous talk while Becca prepares her hotel room for Arby’s arrival5 and we hear her say, in so many words, that a relationship with her and Arby would be an equal partnership, and Lauren’s basically just like every other girl he’s ever dated. They declare that they don’t have any problems in their relationship (oh honey) and they don’t have questions for each other (oh HONEY). It’s foreboding. I’m nervous.

There was a moment when the girls were getting dressed that I was convinced that Lauren was winning because Lauren clearly got the Winners’ Dress6. Arby, however, woke up that morning still conflicted, and he shouldn’t have gone through with it.

Arby’s wearing a navy suit, and Lauren steps out of the limo first. Whomp whomp. I forget every season they’re forced to talk to Chris Harrison for 10 seconds before stepping into meet their fate. I mean, it’s literally like meeting the devil.

Lauren gives a long speech about how she’s feeling but it doesn’t matter anyway so we’re moving on. Lauren goes from 0 to pissed in half a second, and she’s just confused. Arby’s like “I didn’t decide until this morning!” and I would be so mad if I had heard that come out of the mouth of the man I loved. Just sittin’ around, eating eggs, deciding we’re not going to be in love anymore. Okay, sure.

Lauren lets her real bitch flag fly in the limo exit, and she’s so snotty and snarky. She does ask how he’s going to get down on one knee over a decision he made earlier that day.

Becca looks gorgeous and ugh, knowing what happens, just proves Chris Harrison is literally leading her through the gates of hell. Arby literally can’t even smile when Becca is talking about how she wants to do the damn thing with him. He gets down on one knee and he chooses her today and every day “here on out”, which is going to make the next half hour very painful.

They transition us into the Happy Couple Montage - they’re in hammocks! They make pizza! They pretend they know how to play Chess! Becca looks so happy, and Arby’s just… there. He’s been thinking about Lauren. Why are you thinking about her, though? Because she’s an empty vessel of a person you can project your hopes and dreams onto? (Yes.) He feels guilty with Becca, because it’s not fair to be in a relationship with someone who’s only half-in. He wants to risk it all with Lauren, which basically sounds like he’s going to wear a colored tie instead of grey one.

That’s not a risk. The risk is that America is going to hate you - and her - after all of this goes down. What’s at risk is your reputation and your integrity, Arby. Lauren is not a risk. You’re leaving an interesting girl for an uninteresting (and far too young for you) girl.

Arby continues to claim that Becca’s seen his struggling with his relationship with her vs. Lauren, and Becca has no idea.

As in, they brought the cameras in, flew Becca there, to have him break up with her on camera. They’re gonna blindside her with CHRIS HARRISON. She thinks they’re going to have a “happy couple weekend”, for Christ’s sakes. She’s so happy-go-lucky and she’s not prepared.

They cut to the audience, where they’re booing Arby.

What we get is a split-screen, unedited version of the breakup between Arby and Becca. As soon as Arby arrives, Becca’s like, “you’re making me nervous.” She knows. He won’t look at her in the eye. He’s distracted by her tattoo. She’s still nervous. He’s still thinking about Lauren, and he can’t get past the feelings he has for her. And the longer the two of them hang out, the less likely he’ll be able to reconcile with Lauren.

Fuck Arby for this, and fuck him so hard.

You see Becca realize that all of this is going to be on camera, and that’s why he brought her there. To break up with her. In front of the cameras. That, to me, is the cruelest part. Not leaving her for the girl you didn’t pick - the harshness of doing it in front of the cameras for television.

Also, THAT IS HOW IT FUCKING WORKS. The more time you spend with your fiancee, the less likely it is that you’re going to be with someone else. Because you told her you wanted to marry her, you jackass.

Becca has the perfect and only worthy response: “Are you fucking kidding me?”

He acts like he wants her sympathy or something. We find out that Arby and Lauren had talked, and of course he had. He talks about “fairness” and how it’s not fair being half-in with Becca when he wants to be all-in with Lauren. He told Becca that basically he picked her because that’s what made sense logically, and that he couldn’t imagine marrying Lauren.

He tries to do the whole “make it better” thing, and she’s just baffled.

I mean, she’s doing much better than I would in this moment. They wouldn’t be able to legally air my footage because I would be in jail.

When Becca took off her ring, I screamed, THROW IT IN HIS FACE THROW IT AT HIM MAKE HIM CHOKE ON IT!!!!!!!!

Becca tells him if he was so conflicted, he shouldn’t have gotten down on one knee. He seems to want her sympathy for how hard he’s going to have to work. He’s a fucking child and I hate him.

I haven’t hated someone on TV like this in a while.

Becca gets up and walks away after they sit in silence for a while, and we see her packing up her stuff. Arby follows her.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

He follows her, and she’s like, “I’m not gonna, like, hug you good-bye, or anything.” Because why should she, really? He’s doing that annoying thing where he wants to control the narrative at this point.

He wants her to lash out so he can tell everyone she’s crazy.

He wants her to fight for him and beg for him to stay, so he can feel like he’s been won.

Arby asks if she wants a few minutes for herself, and she says she wants him to leave. He actually exits the house, and we hear Becca sobbing in the bathroom.

Arby goes BACK IN THE HOUSE. LEAVE, MOTHERFUCKER ELASFKLDSJF;DS LEEEEEEAVE

This is all so cruel and you can tell Becca wants nothing more than to be alone but literally she’s just surrounded by cameras and producers and people and Arby. Chris Harrison guides us down this horrible spiral, pretending not to be gleeful at the footage they recieved. This is all so unnecessary, and the split-screen doesn’t help much. And bullshit at the unediting scenes - they cut Arby’s camera to black right before he goes outside, because you know there was a producer out there yelling GET THE FUCK BACK IN THERE AND MAKE HER SMASH SHIT.

This is cruel. Arby sits on the couch and listens to her weep long enough that she thinks he’s left before he continues to try to talk to her and I want to punch him in the face.

Leave her alone. Do not touch her. She is not yours and she does not deserve your time. You’ve told her she’s not who you’re picking. She is being graceful and he is not worthy whatosever.

We thought Jake Pavelka was bad, Jesus.

He refuses to leave her while she’s crying and I am literally just saying ohmigodleaveohmigodleaveohmigodleaveohmigodleaveohmigodleave over and over. He doesn’t want to get married, he doesn’t want anything. He wants to chase forever and he definitely is in the middle of a mid-life crisis. He’s not in love with Lauren, either - he’s in love with control and having all the power. Becca wanted it to be equal. Arby could never.

We sit down with Becca and Chris Harrison, and she gets a loud round of applause. Because she was graceful when she didn’t need to be. She’s going to see him again, tomorrow. With Lauren.

Oh, god. I hope someone throws a tomato at Arby.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Who was more sociopathic - Arby v. Becca, Luke v. Stassi, Bentley v. Emily, or Joe v. Juelia? Answer: Chris Harrison.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and I’m 100% sure my friend Maggie is going through my Instagram and filling out an application for me to go on the show. Can someone tell her to wait until we at least see our options from La Bachelorette? Love you, Magz.

Becca’s got a nice butt. Like, she’s got long legs and a really nice butt. She’s gonna crush it.

This blog was NOT sponsored by Arby’s. However, if they decide in retrospect, I’ll take it.

My favorite part of the episode was the camera cutting to Tia in the audience as she's realizing she may not be the next Bachelorette after all.

I hope Becca’s first question is “Why the cameras, though?”

ABC really didn’t GAF this season though, ruining the potential of Another Mesnick by putting it on the cover of last week’s US Weekly. ↩︎

Probably because he’s projecting some kind of opinion on her like she reminds him of the woman who broke his heart on national television last time. ↩︎

Seriously - if a man tells you he wants a strong, confident woman, he absolutely does not. Your strength will, to him, read as an affront to his masculinity and his own personal strength. Trust me. I’m going through this right now. He only wants you to be strong in a manner that benefits him. The minute you try to work on your own, that’s when you’ll see it. ↩︎

You’re telling me that Lauren “We’ll Make Dinner” B got MACHU PICCHU and Becca gets to cry in the rainy wind?! ↩︎

Like Postmates, but worse. ↩︎

This episode begins with syllabic noises being uttered over a musical beat, and we’re at Katie and Tom’s apartment, where Sandoval is briefing Jax on the shenanigans of the evening thus far. He’s drinking a Miller Lite, and Schwartz comes in, looking as disheveled as ever. Like, his boyish charm is wearing off quickly, and having a shirt unbuttoned one too many. As soon as Katie comes in, she dismisses the fuck out of Jax, who leaves on his motorized cooler.

I repeat: a motorized. Cooler.

THIS MAN IS 457 YEARS OLD, I’m shocked it took him this long to get on a motorized anything. Like, honestly, I’m not even going to make comment on it being a beer cooler on wheels because that’s far too obvious, but Jax could have spent this on his retirement money. Priorities, Jax. Priorities. Katie tells Tom he needs to cut the incessant drinking to the point of blacking out right then and there, and he’s like, “No, you can’t tell me shit.” She actually asked him to do something that would keep him from cheating on her and he said no. He acknowledged that his drinking caused him to do behaviors he never would sober, but he can’t bring himself to stop it, even if his relationship had to suffer because of it. Katie’s right to point out how fucked up that is and storms out of the room and I’m REALLY MAD because you all know how much I hate being on Katie’s side in anything, ever.

Oh, I guess we get the rest of that musical cue because it goes like I WON’T BACK DOWN, I’LL RISE TO THE TOP, RISE, RISE TO THE TOP. Good to get some kind of closure on that, I guess.

We’re at Sexy Unique Restaurant, where Brittany and Jax have arrived together, and Lala’s there for her first day back. Lisa enters the restuarant and immediately is like, “Lala, it’s your last chance,” because Lisa loves to make everything in this show about her.

Brittany goes to ask Jax for a Strawberrini, which sounds as awful as the hangover it likely induces, and Jax asks her if she still wants to have a housewarming party even though their relationship is on thin ice. Brittany doesn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but Jax mostly just wants to make sure he can control Brittany’s environments and who she spends time with in order to make sure she sticks around. He’s such a dick, I hate him so much. They’re going to try to have a fun time with their friends. Nothing else.

And that’s when I notice:

ARE THE SILK HANDKERCHIEF UNIFORM DRESSES GONE??????????????????????????

Has the torture finally ended? Katie and Brittany are both wearing black v-neck shirts with gold Sexy Unique Restaurant logos. I think it’s finally occurred. I’m hyperventilating. Katie takes the opportunity to remind us of how awful she is and goes to Lala to ask why she’s talking shit about Katie’s relationship with Tom. And Lala’s like, “Well, Scheana said you were talking shit about my relationship, so I got defensive.” And Classic Katie who loves to blame women for everything doesn’t hold herself accountable for what she said, but instead she gets mad at Scheana for repeat what she said to Lala… and then she apologizes to Lala for saying what she said. Lala tells Katie the entire story of what happened with Tom and her friend and Katie’s upset.

Lala’s the best. Honestly. She could have held this over Katie’s head but as soon as Katie apologized, Lala immediately wanted to tell Katie what she knew and see how Katie was feeling about it all. Some people have issue with Lala’s feminism, but at the end of the day, she really just cares a lot about people in general.

Lisa orders half a glass of rose from Jax at the bar, and Jax pours her an entire glass, because in his 240 years of existence, Jax never once learned what half is, or even how to pour a glass of wine, apparently. Katie sits down with Lisa to talk about what’s going on with Schwartz, and they’re both having second-thoughts. Lisa’s not going to put up with Schwartz’s immature behavior in her business, and she doesn’t think Katie should in her marriage.

The next day, Lisa is wearing her Business Glasses with her pink pussy bow top and Harrison under her arm. She got a ticket and couldn’t charm her way out of it1 and she’s there to compliment Stassi for her job on Guillermo’s party - but that doesn’t mean Stassi’s hit the big time enough to plan a party for Harrison, Lisa’s pomeranian. We wouldn’t want Stassi to get a big head or anything. Stassi tells Lisa about Jax and Brittany’s housewarming for some reason, and they’re both like, “... So are they back together, because they shouldn’t be.” I especially loved when Stassi was like, “I’m anxious and I don’t want to go,” and Lisa was like, “You don’t have to,” and Stassi was like, “Yes I do, I want to watch!” because I am always that girl.

If the likelihood drama is going to go down at your party is high, so is the likelihood I’ll attend. My presence is a present.

Schwartz, Sandoval, and Jax are going to a Paint-and-Sip painting class, and I think it’s funny because Jax used to drink with all the classic painters - Rembrandt, Van Gogh, Da Vinci2 - so this is just something he’s used to. The plan was to have a Hunter S. Thompson-esque day of male debauchery, but that’s turned into a paint and sip class on a Wednesday afternoon where they might do shots. Tom “isn’t drinking” because he doesn’t want to go back to Katie wasted, but that doesn’t stop him from doing a shot of absinthe with the rest of the group.

Okay, admittedly - every Friday for about a year I went to the bar around the corner from my apartment and drank either a beer or a glass of wine along with a shot of tequila. It was my go-to order, and it brought me peace of mind. I’m not completely against the entire concept of shots. But also, it is clearly light enough outside to know it’s the middle of the day and no resepectable adult is taking shots of absinthe at 3:30 in the afternoon, even if it is at a paiting class. Then again, these grown men are painting penises on their painting aprons, so my advice would go in one ear and out the other.

On top of it all, Kristen, Brittany, and Katie are out getting drinks, and they’rea also starting with shots in the middle of the afternoon. Hell, they’re doing what looks like whiskey or Fireball shots. Brittany’s still hopeful that Jax can change on his own despite what her brain is telling her. They go back and forth between Jax and the Toms and Brittany and the Ks’s talking about their respective issues. Jax thinks all Brittany needs is a good dicking down and he’s out of the dog house, Katie wants Tom to stop being Peter Pan, and Tom really thinks this all about what he did, and not the actions that led him to that point. Schwartz won’t admit to doing anytihng, but he can vehemently deny the idea of admitting to doing something because it would be a lie. It makes no sense.

Kristen is so drunk already and she really wants to make sure Katie is okay with Lala being at Brittany’s housewarming party - wait, doesn’t Jax fucking hate Lala? Katie’s okay with Lala being there because Lala isn’t her target anymore - she moved it onto Scheana. Because Katie’s mad that Scheana told Lala about the shit Katie was talking about Lala’s relationship and blurts out that she and Scheana might have more in common than Scheana thinks. Everyone apparently knows that Rob, Scheana’s boyfriend, is making out with other girls. One of the Sexy Unique Restaurant Servers saw Rob making out with another girl at another restaurant and also flat out denying that he even had a girlfriend in the first place.

Oh my god, Scheana’s butt is so flat. Like, I’ve never seen a butt that was both big and flat like hers, it’s so bizarre. Scheana’s in love, though, and she’s preparing for a dinner party with Rob, her dream man2~ Rob has an enormous house in Beverly Hills and Scheana’s having a private chef cook for the two of them and Tom and Ariana3. Tom, Ariana, and Scheana are all looking at Rob like #goals because he’s got this amazing house and a real job that doesn’t have them cleaning up someone’s blood at least 1x a week. Let’s just put it this way - it’s really obvious why Scheana’s interested in Rob. Rob gives a toast that’s going to be put on some fake distressed wood and sold to fifteen year old girls at HomeGoods.

All three of them are salivating over Rob, and Scheana’s letting her I Have A Rich Boyfriend Flag fly. Her thirst is palatable. She makes a dig at Shay and the life they used to have whenever possible and talks about how she and Rob can’t get married for a least a while because she’s still married to someone. She literally has a countdown to her official divorce date.

Considering these two broke up not even five minutes after this episode aired, nothing is surprising.

Back at Katie and Tom’s apartment, he’s brought his painting of Tom Sandoval and lies about drinking within two minutes. Katie tells him that Lisa is pissed at him and he can’t stop joking. He’s not taking any of it seriously, and he’s being a dick. My favorite part of all of is this clearly Tom is doing his self-deprecating under-the-breath thing, and Katie’s just... refusing to engage. She’s holding him accountable for the shit he did when he was drunk and not flying into a rage and thus he looks like an asshole. Which he is, but he’s used to having Bad Gal Katie4 to play off of and be the sympathetic one.

Ariana and Lala are at Sorella, and Ariana’s doing my favorite friend thing wherein which you pull out something tacky and your friend is like “I have that!” It’s happened to me plenty of times. I still laugh at it. Ariana wears a Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century outfit, and I really don’t even udnerstand the kind of aesthetic a person who shops at Sorella is. They talk about the constant cycle of Jax and Brittany - how Jax fucks up, Brittany gets mad, Jax puts on a puppy dog face and winds up rewarded for his bad behavior.

What follows is a great scene between Ariana and Lala, the only two girls I would ever want to mildly associate with on this show. Ariana’s talking about how she’s not interested in any type of sex whatsoever with Tom or anyone else, and a lot of that stems from insecurities from an ex-boyfriend who bodyshamed her5. Men are gross. Lala apparently looks herself in the mirror every single day and thanks each and every part of her body, flaws and all, because you should be thankful and appreciative of what you have. I mean, she’s thankful to her “kitty cat for taking the D like a champ.”

Lala might be this show’s saving grace. She’s so sweet to Ariana in a way that seems genuine.

Katie and Tom bring their dogs, Butter and Gordo6 to Vanderpump Dogs, where Lisa is pretending she works and just so happens to be there. As soon as Tom walks in, she has this face that says I Mean Business and Tom knows he’s in trouble. Basically it’s a chance for Lisa to get some screentime and tell Tom she thinks he’s irresponsible - if he’s getting blackout drunk and cheating on his wife, how is she supposed to trust him with a bar? It’s a reach, but she’s gotta show up one way or another. Tom goes downstairs and expects Katie to feel bad for him but if Lisa’s disappointed, Katie’s definitely disappointed. Tom apologies for upsetting Katie (wrong) and kisses her cheek.

GROW UP TOM. Stop eating Lean Cuisines.

Brittany, Scheana, and Kristen are preparing all kinds of drunken treats for the housewarming party - Jell-O shots, drunken gummy bears, the works. Kristen’s already drunk and sitting on top of the picnic table Brittany and Jax inexplicably decided was a good idea to have in their dining area. Immediately she’s telling Scheana about Rob making out with someone else. Scheana’s immediately skeptical based on the fact that it’s convenient all of this is coming out after two other guys had been accused of doing similar things. She doesn’t buy it because Rob doesn’t even kiss HER.

Oh, Scheana.

Scheana, Scheana, Scheana.

Your boyfriend’s not “not a kisser”, honey. He’s not into you. You’re not going to marry this dude as much as you want to.

The party begins, and James comes with the pair of fake eyelashes on a fuzzy sweater he calls a girlfriend, as well as a cake made up of toilet paper rolls. Lala, meanwhile has brought Patron and wants to celebrate Being Women, something I celebrate evert day. WOMEN ARE GREAT. Again, Lala’s the best.

I love the fact that Katie and Tom, who literally live down the hall, are the last to arrive. I went to a wedding where my date and I were the only people who lived in Brooklyn, where the wedding was, and we were the latest ones. Tom looks discheveled as ever despite pretending he’s an Adult Now, he’s wearing a Mikey Way from My Chemical Romance sweater7. Tom claims he’s done with shots for the time being, which is a lie. Tom’s about to do 100000 shots.

This party would be a disaster with anyone, but with the amount these people drink, they should not be playing Waterfall with shots. Schwartz struggles with not drinking to excess. Oh, hi Peter? We haven’t seen enough Peter this season. Scheana’s literally standing with her phone in front of her face texting Rob about him allegedly making out with another girl and Jax is annoyed by it.

Anyway, everyone is hammered. James and Tom are beatboxing. Jax admits to Carter that he cheated because he wanted the attention, and Jax is like, “I’m finally being HONEST and telling the TRUTH,” and Brittany’s like “why can’t you talk to me?” Lala and Kristen are eavesdropping and Lala wants to rip Jax’s larynx out. Lala is so disturbed by the fact that Jax is yelling at Brittany, and Lala knows that there’s a recording on James’s phone of Jax. Jax saying he’s not going to marry Brittany - ever - and just being a general skeeze.

Because Jax doesn’t deserve any woman, let alone Jax. I love the amount of millenial pink going on in this scene between Lala and Ariana.

Ariana’s wasted and tells Brittany how much she loves her in that really drunken way, but Lala needs Brittany to know what Jax said. Ariana’s so drunk she’s basically crying.

We don’t get to hear the recording, but what’s on it is enough to make Brittany cry... and then seethe. She calls Jax he deserves to rot in hell and it’s literally incredible. Jax thought he was safe.

Next Time: James is back at PUMP! Lisa wants Brittany fired. Tom is pissed at Ariana for taking sides and Ariana’s ready to break up because of it.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

I love the horror movie lighting in Jax/Brittany/Katie/Tom’s apartment building. I thought hallways that creepy only existed on Search Party.

I’m so glad Lala got rid of the trashy nails.

I love that Rob Valletta is actually related to Amber Valletta.

There’s really not enough talk about how emotionally abusive Jax is to Brittany.

I don’t know if I’m buying Brand Spanking New Self Aware Katie.

I’m glad that we’re breaking through some of the Cool Girl Ariana facade and realizing she’s just as messy as all of us.

You know I love Lala when I can forgive her having a rat tail.

She did a running stop, something I also once got a ticket for. Lisa Vanderpump and I are the same. ↩︎

Remember when Scheana had sex with Brandi Glanville’s husband and then tried to both claim it was one time but also she and Brandi were in the same boat because they’d both been cheated on? ↩︎ ↩︎

Bless Tom’s heart for bringing over a bottle of champagne. Had he known what Rob’s lifestyle was, I doubt he would have brought over a gift that people are notoriously snobby about. ↩︎

Forgive me for this, Rihanna. ↩︎

I... do not understand the logic of a man who would be like “you have an ugly vagina”. Why do you care? It’s never going to be your problem. Like, do you really think dicks are the most attractive thing on earth? ↩︎

They don’t deserve dogs that cute. ↩︎

Oh god.

We’re in Paris.

The most romantic city on Earth.

I literally cannot see straight because my eyes keep rolling and rolling and rolling. Are these broads sleeping on a boat? I’m pretty sure they’re sleeping on a boat. We see Chris Harrison, excited for his first real international vacation in a few weeks, pretending he can tolerate Arie as usual. Arie’s like, “I’m falling in love with some of these women.” We finally see this person called Jacqueline, who looks like Cristin Milioti1, who somehow made it to the halfway point without ever being seen on camera. I’m pretty certain Jacqueline really is Cristin Milioti and she literally took time off to shoot that crazy episode of Black Mirror and came back at the halfway point. CONSPIRACY THEORY.

Krystal is positive and enthusiastic and honestly, she’s going home this week on a two-on-one and we haven’t even confirmed this week’s dates.

Speaking of, Chris Harrison takes a break from touring the Louvre to let the girls know there’s four dates instead of three this week - two one-on-ones, a group date, and a two-on-one.

My tummy rumbled when he said two-on-one, because let’s be real - it’s the thing we look forward to most in any season. They might as well call it The Battle To The Death.

Everyone knows Krystal is going on the two-on-one, even herself. It’s amazing that she even has that much self-awareness. Oh, but there’s a date card!!!!!!!!!

It goes to The Last Remaining Lauren, which is what I have basically started calling her. I was hoping we’d run out of Laurens by this point, but I guess I was mistaken. All these girls looked the same this season, it was hard, okay?

Arie picks TLRL up from the boat, and they speed away in the gondola. All the girls are basically like...

And they’re right.

If Arie is a wet pair of boat shoes, Lauren is a Marilyn Monroe poster in a college dorm room.

Arie’s like, “this is going to be an incredible date!” and then they walk around Paris in silence. Like, monosyllabic answers. Arie’s concerned that she’s not super into him. Meanwhile, back with the girls, Tia and Kendall are hopeful that Lauren opens up on her date, because she takes a while to get comfortable. Arie’s literally like, “Lauren, I have a crush on you. I want you to like me.”

Why? Because she asked you your favorite color once?

... Oh, it’s because she looks like someone he’s dated. Someone whose name rhymes with Memily Shmaynard.

At the Boatel (Boat Hotel), all the girls are waiting to see who’s next for the date. Jacqueline puts a T so hard on the word geT that I am now fully convinced she is Acclaimed Trained Actress of Stage And Screen Cristin Milioti, as that affectation is very theatrical, very Katherine Hepburn2. There’s a date card! Becca K, Seinne, Tia, Chelsea, and Jenna are going on the group date.

That leaves Kendall and Grammy Award Winner Cristin Milioti to find out who’s going on the two-on-one with Arie. Neither girl has had a one-on-one, so this is messyyyyyyy. Krystal thinks it’s a little “unfair” to have either girl on a two-on-one with her, and I love her the most in this episode.

Arie and TLRL’s date starts with him talking about how busy it was in Paris that day. Oh my GOD I would rather go to a lecture about dentistry than ever hang out with these people. Lauren’s got trust issues so that makes her push guys away, and then Arie’s like, “let me top THAT, boring girl!” He had a girlfriend who was pregnant with his child, and when he left for a race, she lost the baby and told him she wasn’t going to be there when he got back. In response, Lauren’s like, “my parents’ marriage was rough, oh and I was engaged before but it didn’t work out.”

I have never chuckled at such an obtuse response like I did at that moment.

Lauren, for whatever reason, gets a rose. Like, I really think it’s interesting how even if the chemistry isn’t there (at least in my opinion), Arie’s really trying to make this shit work with Lauren. Compared to the last time he went on a one-on-one with the other Lauren, he was just... there. He didn’t really try at all. Huh.

The girls meet Arie and they’re all convinced they’re doing a fashion show. They walk over to the Moulin Rouge, and they say what everyone says - “oh, it’s not that big.” Like, have you ever seen a Baz Luhrmann film3?? If the Moulin Rouge was as big as he made it look in the movie it would be a part of the Paris skyline. They enter and are greeted by dancers, who are provacatively dressed, and the girls are going to learn a Cabaret routine.

They could have stayed in America and gotten Sonja Morgan and the quality would have been the same. It also would have been a charitable donation4!

Seinne is a professional trained dancer and she’s in her element, of course. Bekah’s process is “Wrong But Strong”, which has always worked for me5. Jenna’s loving it, but Tia’s hating it. She gives up on the dance almost straight away. The girls are taken upstairs to put on costumes - headdresses and thongs, my new favorite clothing store - and Jenna, Bekah and Seinne are living for the glamour, while Becca K is given a huge headdress with feathers and it looks heavy.

The girls perform a routine for Arie, and whoever is deemed best will get to perform on stage with Arie at the Moulin Rouge later on that evening. I love the black box they put over every girl’s butt, it’s my new favorite character. But I have a weird problem with this prize - what if someone has crippling stage fright? Are we really going to put someone in an anxiety-inducing situation like that in order for television?

Wait, I forgot this show has zero integrity.

At the after-after-after-after-after party, Arie makes sure to let them know that the rose that evening will be given on their connection and not on the performance. Tia can’t help but compare her relationship with Arie to everyone else’s. Meanwhile, we’re setting up the back-end conflict, which will effectively be about Bekah’s age. Chelsea’s like, “She’s 22, and I’m 29 AND I HAVE A BABY.” In case we had forgotten about her having a baby, the only words we’ve seen come out of her mouth all season.

Bekah M. gets the rose, and we’re tortured with Arie doing a Valentina-level bad lip-sync at the Moulin Rouge. They should have given Arie a mask or not had him LIP-SYNC IN FRENCH if he didn’t know the words! God, it’s like Valentina contributed nothing to the world.

At the Boatel, Krystal approaches Lauren, Kendall, and Star of Season Two of FX’s Fargo Cristin Milioti with a date card.

Two women.

One rose.

One stays, one goes.

Kendall and Krystal, let’s get the fuck into it.

Krystal is wearing sailor pants and a crushed velvet top and Kendall is wering a cold-shoulder jumpsuit, so I guess this is how you dress to kill or whatever. They meet Arie in the French countryside, and shit’s already tense. As if this wasn’t enough of a battle, Arie leads them to a literal labyrinth and tells them to come find him. This show sometimes just tries to smack you in the face with a metaphor. Kendall gets lost, and Krystal is successful.

Oh no.

Arie says this is Krystal’s last chance because of her behavior last week, and essentially gave her the two-on-one as punishment. He was really mad about her talking shit about him last week and she’s got a lot to prove. He would rather her come directly to him instead of putting him blast to everyone else, which is entirely a reasonable and decent opinion to have. Krystal apologizes sincerely and promises to work on it. They kiss and make up, and then Krystal proceeds to tell Arie that Kendall might not be ready to get married at the end of all of this.

KRYS. (hand-clapping emoji) TAL. (hand-clapping emoji)

GIRL, NO.

You had it all locked away and you fucked it up by going immediately into Shit Talking Mode. The minute you got your mouth on his you should have shut it the fuck down. She really thinks she’s so slick.

Arie almost immediately goes to Kendall and is like yo, she’s talking mad shit over here! And y’all, Kendal proceeded to come for my heart and my brain and I adore her. I’m sorry for shit talking her ukulele. I’m sorry for calling her a basic Pinterest girl. Kendall might be the most emotionally mature contestant to appear on this show to date and I have no shame in saying so. She tells Arie that the entire basis of Krystal’s argument is stupid because - who operates on a timeline like that? No one wakes up and is like, “Okay, I’m ready for love today. I wasn’t ready yesterday, but I’m ready for love today.” You find someone that you can see a future with and that’s how love works. And Kendall is pissed.

She heads over to Krystal, who is sitting with a coupe of champagne peacefully on a couch outdoors. She asks Krystal why she feels she’s not ready to get married, and Krystal says she doesn’t know, and Kendall’s like, YEAH DUH. And in situations where Krystal feels like she’s been backed in a corner, she lashes out and tries to hurt other people in order to get the heat off of her. She reminds Kendall of an ex of hers who used words as weapons in arguments, and reminds us all:

Saying the most hurtful thing... doesn’t mean you win. It just means you hurt somebody.

She takes Krystal’s hand and tells her she knows she’s experienced a lot of pain in her life and needs to stop trying to maintain an image of perfection and composure. I loved this because sometimes the two-on-ones are just savagery, but Kendall maintained her dignity and basically said, “What you did hurt me. I understand why you felt hurt and why you needed to attack someone, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been hurt too.” And it feels out of place because empathy and compassion is rare thing on this show.

God, I want so badly to be Kendall in this moment, but I’m so much like a Krystal. I hate that.

Krystal has no response. And because Krystal has no response and the producers aren’t getting the explosion they desire, Arie’s decided to extended the two-on-one into dinner instead of sending anyone home. At dinner before Arie arrives, Krystal’s trying to appeal to Kendall by saying they have similar beliefs, but as soon as Kendall rejects that notion, she’s like, “you were patronizing. “ Kendall DGAF, though. She’s there for Arie, and Krystal’s an emotionally stunted Thighmaster, so. That’s that.

Arie arrives and it’s still tense. Krystal tries to say something really really flowery and apologize to Kendall in front of him to secure her fate. Arie takes Kendall aside and we don’t see the conversation?????????????? They come back, her lipstick is gone, and Arie gives Kendall the rose. I cackle.

They leave Krystal alone at the dining table. We see the girls at the Boatel celebrating as Krystal’s suitcase is rolled away by a PA.

The next day6, Jacqueline, The Artist Formerly Known As the Mother From How I Met Your Mother, Cristin Milioti, is nervous about going on her date. Arie rolls up in a red convertible to pick her up, which promptly breaks down. We literally know nothing about her since she’s just back from working with Charlie Brooker and Jesse Plemons, and Arie has her try on dresses and walk down a staircase.

On their date, Arie admits that he was a little frightened by Cristin Milioti Who You May Remember As Sexy Baby on 30 Rock because she’s so smart, and that’s why it took so long to get her on a one-on-one. He didn’t want to come across as insecure around her. It’s weird because again, we have seen none of her, and they seem to actually get along and have a rapport. She tells him she’s not even close to being done with her educational goals - it takes six years to complete her Ph.D - and it’s a concern for him, because he’d like a partner he can move to Scottsdale and start crankin out shorties with ASAP.

I mean, I get it - he’s thirty-six, time’s running out. And it’s not like a Ph.D is the easiest thing in the world to get - it takes a lot of time and a lot of emotional energy. I don’t know if I’d be able to do that when I was newly married or engaged to someone I barely knew. Like, if she was closer to the end of her program, maybe. But she hasn’t even started. He doesn’t want to hold her back, but... he’s willing to go the distance with her. He says, “I don’t really see her ambition as a hindrance. It’s just another obstacle to get through together.”

And I hate him all over again. I mean, an obstacle? That’s an interesting choice of words there, buddy. I hate Arie because he seems to have good instincts and have great intentions and when he sees red flags he investigates but HE IS SO BAD AT WORD CHOICE. Ugh.

Star of Wolf of Wall Street Cristin Milioti gets a rose.

There’s no cocktail party this week - we head directly into the Rose Ceremony, where three girls have roses, and three girls are staying. Tia, Seinne, and Becca all get roses, and Someone’s Mom Chelsea gets sent off to be a mother7, and Jenna, who I liked but am fine with never seeing again, disappears into the ether.

We’re off to Tuscany next week, and Lauren’s bitch flower is beginning to bloom. We see her talking to a producer in a corner about how pissed off she is, and how terrified she is that Arie will pick someone else. Oh, now we see who you are, Lauren.

Next Week: Tuscany!!! It’s the week before hometowns, so pressure’s on. Everyone’s crying.

And Later This Season: Someone’s there to propose to someone. Someone’s parents are concerned about Arie’s intentions. And finally... a shot of Arie on a couch while someone’s sobbing in the background.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

WHY DID WE SEE MORE OF TLRL THIS EPISODE THAN BECCA? Ugh. Do not disappear my Becca.

Krystal elevated herself to likeable villain in her exit episode. I loved that.

Seinne is the Sharleen of this season.

I rdesperately need to know the conversation that Arie and Kendall had right before kicking Krystal off.

What happened to Kendall’s rose on the two on one?

Is this the best cast of hair we’ve had on this show ever? Bekah’s groundbreaking short pixie, Jacqueline’s gorgeous Mariah Carey in 1988 mane…

Arie has more chemistry with literally the nine other girls left than he does with Lauren, the one he seems to WANT the most.

Is it just me or is this season full of the most dopplegangers yet? ↩︎

I purred this demurely with my lips pursed, just in case you were wondering. ↩︎

I high-key love the 1996 Romeo + Juliet, which I recently learned is a hot take opinion. But also, I will never forgive the 2013 Gatsby. Ever. What did Joel Edgerton do to deserve that? Then again, Tobey Mcguire deserves no better than that film. Ugh. ↩︎

I love Sonja. This is a little mean. ↩︎

Yeah, my inability to be incorrect is a problem??? ↩︎

Presumably, time is a construct on this show. ↩︎