#wayne incorporated

Bruce, looking down at two paint splashed child vigilantes: Tim. Damian. Might I ask how your costumes and skin became covered in paint?

Tim:

Damian:

Bruce: Very well. If no one will speak, I respect your loyalty. No video games for two weeks.

Damian: >:(

Tim: :(

—2 Days Later-

Tim, beating Damian: Ha, loser!

Damian, sorely losing: No fair! You’ve been playing this game far longer! My skill is only inadequate due to your experience!

Bruce, walking by the room in the manor they’re playing: *to himself* Didn’t I ground them?

——

Dick: I know he said no makeup on patrol, but a bit of glitter won’t hurt

Dick: *one step into the cave*

Bruce, shouting without turning around: Take off the glitter, Chum!

—later that night—

Dick, on coms: Uh, hey guys? I got captured. They saw the glitter and..

Bruce: *facepalms*

——

Alfred: You have to seriously consider taking a break from adopting children, Master Wayne. After Damian, I am worried we may not have the emotional resources.

Bruce: Understood, Alfred. Don’t worry. I have no intention of more children.

—2 days later—

Duke, seeing his room for the first time: Wow, this is a bit much.

Bruce: It’ll take some getting used to, but I’m here to help.

Duke: Thanks, Bee :)

Alfred, seeing them both in this previously unoccupied room: Master Wayne?

Bruce, shoving Duke behind him: Yes, Alfred?

——

Bruce: Jason, you have to eat your vegetables.

Jason, untouched plate in front of him: No.

Bruce, exhausted: Then please eat something?

Jason: No. Nothing.

Bruce, sighing: A cookie?

This perfectly explains why kidnapping Mr. Wayne never results in a Batman siting. Why does he never thank Batman for saving him? He shouldn’t be saving him. It’s a contract breach.

“The goal is to discourage Rogues, like The Joker and The Riddler, who are obsessive and desire the Bat’s attention. Bruce Wayne shouldn’t have to put his life on the line just by existing.” Says Lucious Fox in a press meeting.

Headlines Read: Bruce Wayne Left For Dead at Hands of The Penguin, Batman’s Response

What did Batman have to say?