#wavegenerators

Caltrops Press:  This “ialive abandonment scandal,” as the media has come to refer to it, needs some documentation. Thank you for your willingness to take part in this investigation. It’s imperative that we get to the truth of the matter. Maybe we should start with some basics. This took place at the Adair Rest Area in Casco, Michigan, correct? Where were you coming from and where were you headed after this pit stop?

ialive:  Yes, Casco, Michigan. We were staying with MISTER in Hazel Park, MI. We played Detroit the night prior and were headed to Port Huron to do a show at SchwonkSoundStead. Luckily, I had 60% battery on my phone so I could save my own life.

[NOSAJ from New Kingdom provides me with video footage of the fallout from the abandonment. From these shaky cell phone videos, we can piece together the narrative.

In the first video, Height Keech carries on a conversation with ialive—“Donovan” glows on the touchscreen head unit—negotiating the logistics of the pick-up, the recovery. Height appears pensive if not penitent, twirling a strand of his hair as he looks out upon the road. NOSAJ, one Jason Furlow, meanwhile, laughs and calls the situation “hilarious” and revels in remembrance of Height’s first words of recognition: “Where’s Donovan?”

In another clip, Height asks NOSAJ to text ialive to ensure he doesn’t cross the highway in a perilous attempt to shave seconds off the rescue.

In the final video, we see the tour van approaching the Adair Rest Area. The sun has set. Height Keech notifies Eddie Logix that they’ve been delayed by some “ridiculous issues.” As the van closes in on the ialive recovery effort, NOSAJ laughs from the bottom of his belly as he lays eyes on their stranded companion. ialive waves his arms desperately, jubilantly, as he rejoins his tourmates in the van.]

CP:  The story suddenly appears more nefarious than I originally thought. The video footage leads me to believe you were aware of Donovan’s absence when Height pulled away, NOSAJ. Would that be accurate?

NOSAJ:  Inaccurate, your majesty. Absurdity is the only collector of my laugh.

CP:  When did you and Height realize that your fellow traveler was missing from the vehicle?

NOSAJ:  When his name flashed across the GPS. We both looked back in horror.

ialive:  Jason was on earbuds connecting with family in the passenger seat when Height, who was driving, pulled into a rest stop. I decided maybe 30 seconds behind Height that I too should probably use the facilities. I passed him standing at a urinal—surely thinking he saw me—and stepped into a stall for a private moment. When I exited the building, the van was no longer where it was when I left. I thought to myself, I never took these two guys for practical jokesters.

NOSAJ:  We were approximately 25 miles away.

ialive:  So I walked around the rest area thinking maybe they had to move the van for whatever reason. I checked the trucker parking side, and then back to where we were while scratching my head. By that time, I felt defeated in whatever joke this was. I waved the white flag and called Height.

CP:  If NOSAJ estimates they were already 25 miles away, and you claim to have called Height right after scanning the parking lot, how long were you in the bathroom exactly? What was the nature of your visit to the stall, if you don’t mind me asking?

NOSAJ: Exactly!

CP:  I imagine you were on a tight itinerary, looking to make it to the next show. There probably wasn’t time enough to dally.

ialive: Tour constipation is a hell of a thing.

CP:  Fair enough, fair enough. Maybe some leafy greens next time?

ialive:  I blame Kozy Lounge in Hazel Park, Michigan, although they had the fire Reuben egg rolls.

[NOSAJ, seemingly in an attempt to rib ialive even further, sends an image of a milk carton.]

CP:  Donovan, tell me a bit about how you felt? I’m staring at the photos of you stranded at the rest area, and I can’t help but notice the despair in your eyes. What were you feeling as the sun gently set on that Michigan highway? You seem adrift—your hair tousled; your five o’clock shadow darkening your jawline. Gone is all rapper ego.

NOSAJ:  Heartbreaking…just heartbreaking.

ialive:  Honestly, when Height picked up the call, I started laughing immediately and couldn’t stop laughing the entire time they were coming to get me. I did wash my hair that morning and recall thinking I had a sunshine pop look going, unintentionally.

Height Keech:  Here it is from my perspective… I had time on the mind. We were running a little late and when I pulled over to hit the rest stop, Don had said, “You hearing those Kill Bill sirens?” (Tourspeak for “an unexpected urgent need to hit the bathroom.”) I ran out to the bathroom quickly, thinking perhaps the other guys were thinking, “Another bathroom break already, Height? What’s good?” In my mind’s eye, both dudes were waiting on me. I did, indeed, fail to see Don enter the bathroom. I try to maintain an “eyes on your own paper” posture at all public restrooms. Perhaps I minded my own business to a fault, in this instance. My actions from this point onward (suggesting Don “frogger” his way across the highway to meet us even though we would essentially have to drive half way back to Hazel Park to turn around either way) are indefensible and can only be chalked up to the panic of having left a man behind in battle.

CP:  Sounds credible, but the public will ultimately judge. Did you guys end up making it to the next gig in time?

Height Keech:  We did not, but as you might have guessed from these context clues, I’m a stickler for time. Our late is someone else’s right-on-time.

CP:  Does that mean you’re always the one behind the wheel, Height?

NOSAJ:  Metaphorically, literally, figuratively, all-day everyday, all-night every evening…

CP:  Don, have you ever been left behind by anyone prior to this?

ialive:  I’m a little offended to even have to answer that.

CP:  You don’t have to. I’m just looking for patterns in the entropy and randomness of this thing we call life. I’m sitting here thinking of the shuttle van scene at the beginning of Home Alone is all.

ialive: Eddie Logix made that same connection when we landed. I was doing the “Kevin face” a few times. I used to sweat being left by the school bus every class trip, but was extra sure about getting in line ahead of schedule.

CP:  Have apologies been made? Are you plotting any sort of revenge on Height and NOSAJ, Don?

ialive:  Of course [apologies have been made]! No love lost at all. I was playfully expressing a practical joke war was on, but truly, who has time for that?

CP:  Are the seating arrangements in the van permanent? Has anyone considered establishing a rotation so that someone else has the opportunity to be left behind? Or will Height not allow the steering wheel to be torn from his cold, dead hands?

NOSAJ:  The only seating assignment is I can’t drive.  

ialive:  I have been taking some shifts, but Height has done the lion’s share, no doubt. We definitely have rotated the seating arrangements with Jason requesting the back when in need of a catnap.

[Several days pass before we complete our conversation.]

NOSAJ:  New twist! Don has put in his paperwork for an early discharge. (Cue Law & Order bass stab.)

ialive:  The irony is not lost on me, but yes. I left myself behind in Philly. It was too difficult to leave my daughter once I was back in the family fold. Philly was a good show, and I felt the dudes would be fine without my services for the final three shows.