“The quarry,” and with that, we were on a quest. Michael was my next door neighbor and we have been close friends ever since I moved in two years ago.

“Why are we going there?” After a few short minutes I pipe up and cover my palms with the sleeves of the sweater, anything to feel warmth again. He turns to face me, walking backwards in a smooth, cockily manner. Michael always knew where he was going and what he wanted, but every time his eyes met mine, it was sort of like he didn’t actually know anymore.

“To run away,” he gestures towards the universe and stops walking suddenly. I bump into his chest and finally look up, not realizing we had arrived. I allow the sleeves to hinder my fingertips, but my collar bones suddenly become visible. He inhales deeply and exhales as if he has had the longest day ever, turning his back to me to look over at the rocks. The view wasn’t what was beneath us but it was the earth’s sky that was beautiful. No trees or city buildings in our way. I talk at his back,

“What exactly are you running away from?” I chuckle softly and lightly pat him on the back, attempting to rest my chin on his shoulder but giving up due to the height difference. He cranes his neck and smirks indifferently before sitting as close as he can to the edge.

“Myself.” His answer is so simple but laced with a mix of emotions that I can feel running through my veins. I take a seat beside him and lift my knees to my chest, never letting my eyes break sight of the view. We sit in a serene silence until I hear the sound of a backpack being opened. He hands me a water bottle that seemed to be filled with juice but with Michael, there was always something mixed with another.

“What’s in here?”

“Vodka and juice jesus...just drink up,” he takes a swig from his own bottle and waits for me with patient eyes, watching my every move from untwisting the cap to taking a long sip. He speaks up quickly, “I’m sorry we haven’t talked lately, I do miss you.”

“You have a girlfriend, Michael, what can I say? You seem really happy with her and- but what happened between us,” he interjects quickly and another silence slides its way in, resting heavily like an overfilled cloud ready to pour. I didn’t want it there and I wanted to go back home. He chews on his bottom lip before drinking more.

“We had to talk about this sometime.”

“One night, 3AM, you snuck into my room and told me you loved me, we made out, we had sex, that’s all.”

“You seem bitter.”

“I’m used to it,” I consume more of the liquid, the burn down my throat was no longer annoying.

“Sorry,” he murmurs and scoots closer to me. “I care about you, a lot and I was so stupid to come in to your life, only to up and leave you...but I’m here now.” I hold my tongue, the words that fall from his lips remind me of my father and I can only compel myself to sit there and wonder. I feel his soft pink lips on my cheek, creating an even pathway to the nape of my neck and stopping at my collar bones. I finally look over at him and meet his eyes, waiting for anything to happen.

His lips touch mine and his calloused fingers find themselves in my hair, pulling me closer and deeper into the kiss. My bottle spills on the dirty ground and though I was not intoxicated, I found something else to get high off of: the taste of his lips glossed with alcohol. He rolls on top of me and pulls away, gazing at me with some kind of admiration.

Before he can touch me like he did that night two months ago, I open my mouth to speak and shake my head. His forehead creases and he sighs, “What now?”

“We shouldn’t do this.”

“Why not?” I can feel his heart rate speeding up and I only shrug beneath him, waiting for him to move. I stand and clear my throat before venturing on my way back home but he quickly recuperates and grabs his bag, running to catch up with me. “Y/N, why? You just came all the way out here with me, would you really want to ruin this night?”

“I get you want to fuck me, Michael. I do but you can’t just use me when you need me, I’ve had enough of that.”

“I’m not using you!”

“Why’d you call me out then, huh?”

“Because I wanted to spend time with you,” he grabs hold of my arm gently but seems frustrated when I pull away. A flash of lightning makes the dark blue sky a shade of magenta and my head spins because of frustration and pent up sadness. “Just you, Y/N, why don’t you see that?”

“I just want to go home, Michael I don’t have time for you to be messing with my emotions like I’m a toy. I’m not going to let it continue.” His phone rings with a text notification and his demeanor changes when he sees the screen. I know who is texting him and I know why he has a small smirk on his face. This was his real girlfriend, the person he wanted to get back at when he snuck into my room. “I assume you have to go anyway..”

“Sorry,” I forge a grin and nod my head in the direction of her home.

 "Come here, Mikey," you watch as he lays himself on the bed beside you, peering over at you with a wet face and wide glassy eyes. His vulnerability is beautiful and the glint of his irises under the lamp light make you crack a small smile. A small smile that made everything better for him. You wipe his cheeks with your hand, "You're not a fuck up...you're so much more than what your parents tell you. Hey, I know..that your band will take off someday. It's tough with the others still in school and with a few backup plans but I've heard you sing Michael...you're so special."

 "Why are you so good to me?" He shifts so he's on one side and you lay comfortably to do the same, keeping your eyes on him as your cheeks tint a harsh shade of pink. "Care about you, a lot, we've got a lot of memories, you know," you bite your lip and he laughs softly at this. 

 "You're right." 

 "Yea," you murmur and get closer to him, your confidence was big when it came to being around him; but maybe it's because you two were so much closer than physically and emotionally, it was spiritually at times too. You could never explain it, but there was a feeling he set in your chest and there was a rope tied around your heart, and when he got further away, it got tighter.

 "What if I make it big?" Tiredness is nowhere in his features and he shows no signs of wanting to sleep, you being there for him has made his tears dry and his lips quirk up into a tiny smirk. He drapes an arm around your waist when you share the blanket with him. You cover your mouth to yawn and peer at his hope filled face and begin to converse about the future. What if, but and how everything could be. Michael had very vivid imaginations.

You sit on the edge of your bed and look at your television, Michael is on the screen, paired and holding hands with another celebrity. The rope tightens. You try to smile and fumble with your fingers like he did, when he sat in the exact spot, that night he told you he loved you and when he thanked you for being there. He kissed your forehead, your lips and your neck; all the places that you loved to have his lips. You two were entangled until 5AM when you finally got him to sleep, when he watched you close your eyes. 

 Michael had forgotten about you when he was offered to tour with one direction, he dyed his hair your favorite color and he sang a lyric you suggested. It wasn't stealing, they were things you two came up with together when you went over his house and watched him play his acoustic guitar. 

 You watch the interview about his band's happiness and success and love life. You refuse to cry. You look at your phone and remember the last text he sent you, "I love you and this is why." You guys never made anything official but when your hours got heavy and he was flooded with good news, he didn't stop by at at least 1PM for lunch. He forgot. 

He forgot all about you. You didn't confide in anyone anymore like you confided in him. You tried to ignore anything that could have another rope tied around your heart. You didn't need anymore. Your mother had died due to cancer and you and your father were left to cope. You listened to Michael's vocals at times to help you make it through, it was weird and creepy is what you thought; but you still loved him and that rope was still draining blood from your heart. 

 Your journal was filled with poetry and words of how much you've grown to hate yourself again and how your dependency was disgusting and you just couldn't figure out how everything spiraled so quickly. You turn off the TV and stand from your bed, tripping over your cat and frowning when she hisses at you, trying not to feel hated and trying not to cry. 

You look out the window, across the street at Michael's house, his bedroom window was level to yours. You see his parents car pull up in the driveway and remember the day they settled it and apologized to him, though they still wanted him to go to school. They exit. The backdoor opens as well. The smooth, milky white skin that your hands used to roam and know, is showing. A tall lanky boy exits. Michael's back from tour. 

 "I'd never leave you," he kisses your lips, one, two, three times. "You're too good of a person. I wish people didn't hurt you." But that's what he did, it's exactly what he did. He hurt you and left you without any answers and a broken chest. 

“Why baby? What’s wrong?” She shook her head at this and stood to get dressed. I was in awe at her ethereal beauty, she moved so gracefully even when I could see the anxiety in her shaking fingertips. “Stop ignoring me, baby, it doesn’t help anything it just-well why don’t you stop ignoring me?”

“I’m looking right at you, there’s no possible way that I could ignore you.”

“Fucking me is not attention,” she sits on the edge of the bed to tie her converse. “I want to go home.”

“Jesus Christ, alright,” I got dressed quickly and offered her a hoodie. “It’s raining pretty bad out.”

“It’s only a car ride,” she shrugged and left my room. I really should’ve let her walk. This was not out of hate or anger, it’s out of the good. If she had walked, we wouldn’t be in this mess.

I peered up at the ugly bright light above me, blinking 10 times before finally looking  around the room. The doctor still had to remove a few glass shards from my arm, and my cheek stung from the stitches he had applied. My leg was shaking and I knew she was in there somewhere, it had been no less than 15 minutes, but they told me she would be okay. That’s what all doctors say though, right?

Panic invaded my empty stomach and spread through my lungs and chest like termites in an old home. I couldn’t hold it anymore, “My girlfriend, where is she? I have to go see her.”

“Sir, I have to fix you up before you’re clear to-The car...it hit her side. She’s got more damage, huh?” I cut to a different question, something that might have made him feel sorry for me, release me at the least. He pauses and nods, taking a look at me and realizing I wasn’t hurting because of the scars, but because of her.

“Did you see how pretty she is? Even if she comes out with a few scratches, you know? She’s always beautiful, it’s just a natural thing...with her.” I poke my cheek with my tongue and wish I could swing my feet like a four year old, but I’m too tall and my feet are touching the ground. “What if she doesn’t make it out? What will I do? I don’t really have a family or anything. She’s the only one, you know? I love her,” I half smile at this and my chest aches.

“Tell you what,” he sighs and sets the tweezers on a mirror like plate. “I let you go find her and you just don’t tell anyone I let you out, okay? Come back so I can finish, nothing you have is major but you should be okay. You need to see her, your girlfriend.”

“Thanks,” I stand quickly from my spot on the bed, paper ruffling beneath me. “What room?” He gives me directions, but it’s hard to make out over the sound of my wild heart beat in my ears. I nod in affirmation and run down the halls, probably getting lost about once or twice until I find her room. Her EKG’s look bad and so do all her wounds. I run in and sit beside her on her bed, kissing her forehead and taking her nimble fingers into my palm. I hold on tightly and remember how much they were shaking when she was picking up her clothes. She was a frantic and fragile baby deer, always scared of the headlights.

When we got out of the car, I held onto her. I kissed her head and told her that we would be okay. She was able to speak but she didn’t say anything. The rain was heavy and hard and the ambulance wasn’t quick enough, I remember her making a joke about that. She always made a joke at the right times and she held onto my hand with a firm grip.

“Ash, I don’t think I’ll even make it to the hospital.”

“You will baby, you will,” My body was aching all over and I knew hers was too, but we had to make it through because I said so. She had to, not me.

-

“Hi,” I murmur. Her eyes open for a moment and she smiles at me, but she’s too tired for much more. I fix her wet hair and try to find the words to speak, but my eyes are too focused on hers. How much I want her to be there, how much I need her.

“It’s okay,” is all she says because she knows my facial expressions by heart, Y/N knows me so well.

“I love you,” I rest my head on her chest and her heart rate is so, so slow. It was hard remembering that her parents didn’t give a shit about her. Her father was in a different state and her mom didn’t have a car, that’s why it took so long for anyone to show up. We were all we had. “I love you so much, Y/N.” I can feel her nodding. “I was telling the doctor how pretty you are, even now, when you actually got hit by a car.” I chuckle to myself, making light of the moment on my own. She really wasn’t eligible for responses. “You’re so amazing,” I smile up at her. “Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you’re not. You’re such an angel, too. My angel.” I peek at the EKG screen again and sit up. Her eyes were droopy and closing but with the way she hit her head, she had to stay awake. “Baby, look at me. You have to keep your eyes open, okay?,” she listened to me, but she was scared. She softened when I played with her fingers, though. This offered me all the time to talk without us arguing and I realized how afraid I was of losing her, how I loved music but her laugh was music to my ears. She was my everything and she was slipping away.

Her eyes began to close again. Y/N was a fighter and that was a fact, she fought herself more than anything. The things that she told me that went on in her head were scary, but I was holding onto her for dear life and I told her, no matter what haunted her, I would be there.

“I won’t leave, you know that right? Ever.” I kissed her fingertips as her eyes fluttered shut. The sound of the monitor flatlining was scary brought me out of my own head. I peered up for only a second before the doors opened and three doctors rushed in, one told me I had to leave, but I couldn’t.

“That’s my girlfriend, I can’t...I have to stay,” He was pushing me towards the door as I tried to move his hands. “Please...do something. Help her!” I begged when he got me out of the door. “She’s all I have.” The door closed in front of me and I could only see through the window. They were moving fast and pressing the defibrillators onto her chest. Three tries and she wasn’t moving.

I feel like you don’t love me anymore

I fucked it all up.

The door opened and the words that were spoken to me mimicked static, I knew what they were saying but I couldn’t hear it. I slid down the wall with my knees curled to my chest. I was hugging myself. “I’m so sorry, Y/N, I’m so sorry.” I wanted to look back in the room but I couldn’t. It was my fault and the roads were too slippery. I let her leave.

“Why did this happen to you?” I asked many, many questions I wouldn’t get the answer to and pulled at my hair. I bit my lip until i bled, I tugged until it hurt but I stayed in that one spot on the floor. I couldn’t reenter that room, I couldn’t look at my love like that. I couldn’t breather. My chest was constricted and all I saw was black. I wouldn’t punch walls, I wouldn’t scream.

I just sobbed. I sobbed for the last sentence she said to me, I sobbed for the way she grabbed onto my hands, I sobbed for everything she had in front of her. It was my fault. I took a deep breath and looked up, the hallways seemed empty.

She sat in front of me with her knees up like mine, mocking the way I sat because that was just her cheeky personality. She smiled warmly at me.

“Ashton?” I stared at her and wiped my eyes.

“What am I supposed to do without you?” I wanted to reach out and hold her again. I wanted to get her back into bed. “I can’t live, I’m not alive...I’m nothing I…-It’s okay,” she says again, softly as she observes me.

“You’ll be alright, Ashton. I promise,” I tried to reply to her but there was no way she could actually know how much I did love her and how much it never left. I wish she knew.