#wanderluxt_s

the blessing an Alma Mater experienced for too less

i lay down my roots here, on land where greats have tread to make today a better place to live. these roots spread far and wide, through these roots i sprinkle a little warmth that a hurting soul needs, a little kindness that an anxious soul needs and lot of love that everyone needs. i lay my roots here hoping that my work done is not in vain, that it does not put to shame the foundation i had the privilege of growing with, that it does not hurt the people who depend on me, that it does not overwhelm the fire raging within me. i lay my roots within the depths of my very existence, wishing that i do something worthy of the privilege. i lay my roots here with the fire that these fierce souls walked the earth, walked the earth fighting to make today worthy for me even if it wasn't for them. i lay my roots here hoping that my actions aren't futile and that tomorrow a little girl and a little boy will be grateful for my fight.

what do you do when the crux of a relationship you formed so carefully falls apart? how to you deal with the pain that engulfs the oxygen in your lungs and suffocates you slowly, forcing you to live every second while gifting you a slow death at the same time? what do you do about the feelings left unfelt? what do you do with the love that's yearning to be given and felt? how do you deal with the oceans of memories that fill your mind and torment you now? who can you blame for the pain that pries open every orifice in you to bleed out? what do you do about this burning feeling that you'll never form stable relationships ever again?

every time my lips curve into a smile, my mind pauses to wonder if it was worth it. if it was worth working those muscles up at the other person. i did it anyway, pushing aside these thoughts. my heart yearned the kindness that my smile offers to others, even if it wasn't from the heart. but, when my lips curved with an excitement, my heart danced a dance of joy. i'm worthy of happiness, too. i'm worthy of kindness that makes my heart and lips smile. i have myself people who love me and make me want to smile not because i have to but because i want to, from the depths and darkest corners of my heart. and when i find myself among such people, i hold them closer than the stars, because they are my stars that make my lips curve with happiness just as much as the stars in the sky make my heart smile with joy unfathomable.

through the years of trauma, pain, suffering and ache, i saw the world dismiss my scars, glorify the inflictor, ever so readily. in the chaos of the blindness that lingered around me, i built walls around the ache and prayed for a ray of hope, holding onto every iota of sanity in the corners of my being, whilst wallowing in shame that was ingrained in me.