#wakandawrites

and fuck, she didn’t expect to have sorrow be the one thing that fueled her rage. it wouldn’t have stung so bad if it hadn’t been for the ultrasound neatly folded in her jean pocket --- waiting for the right moment to come out and add a whole other element of suck to their situation. it became utterly simple on the surface after that. levi dumped her, shattered her heart in a room full of people and in return she slid over the picture, tears welling over her vision. 

it had been eight years between then and now. not a day passed where she didn’t play over his harsh words, or her reluctance to tell him about their child. somedays she wondered what would happen if he’d never been arrested in the first place. would they have been good parents? would she have been making lunches for a third grader and helping with math homework? or would they still have ended up in the same position. 

anja doesn’t know where their son is or if he’ll ever know either of them. it’s a regret that she’ll always hold close to her heart, constantly contemplating if she’d actually done something different or tells herself that to relieve the guilt that a desperate twenty-two year old made without anyone to help her. he was behind bars, her parents refused to help and anja knew on her own she couldn’t have raised a baby all alone --- it never stops her from wishing she had. but it wasn’t the conversation they were having, instead it was the small hope that she’d held for him over the years, even after all this time. 

delicate digits fumble with the bottom of her sweater, nerves wracking her body and god --- she feels like a lovesick teenager again holding onto something that was long ago left in the past. “ i know that, levi. i’ve known that since the first time i went to visit you there. “ the blonde doesn’t want to say it, dig up old memories she’s tried desperately to bury. “ and y’know … eventually you stopped answering my calls, letters, whatever else. you ended this b-but i don’t think you get that i would’ve waited for you. the whole eight years. “ it doesn’t matter now, no amount of arguing or brutal honesty was going to change how he broke her heart like nobody else would ever manage. even if it were to spare her an agonizing eight years of loneliness if not longer, this wasn’t the alternative she would have preferred. it stung too much.

he had ruined her. the world had not snatched her up and bred her to forget herself, leave any familiar part of her being behind --- that was all him. the girl he had known centuries ago could not have been farther from gone, bled out and lost hope. only a shell of her former self. maggie could stare at her reflection in the mirror all day long --- not once did she recognize who she was looking at.

in some fucked up fantasy of his, maggie was sure that francisco might’ve believed over the years he had done the right thing. loved her enough where she wouldn’t leave but fuck --- was he wrong. it did not take much thought to compile the large list of fuck ups in their relationship whether it began with the loss of their unborn child to her uncontrollable fits of bloodthirst or being locked up in mausoleums for weeks at a time.

he had been right at one point, if it wasn’t for him --- she would’ve been dead but sometimes that seemed better. the release of death was becoming far more appealing when time moved along, leaving the girl tragically alone and trauma ridden for the rest of eternity. i am dead, maggie remembers telling him sorrowfully icy hues filled with tears.

she still could not comprehend all that he had put her through and somehow, she still managed to love him --- despite hating him now still held a certain kind of fondness in her heart for him and she hated it. truthfully magdalena had loved him more than anything, for most of her life but now --- there was nothing left. loving him once was not enough and it had not been in thirty something years.

francisco is like clockwork, showing up every so often to pull her back in --- fill her with sweet nothings and heated kisses to make her forget everything he had done albeit only for a short amount of time. but it was different now, for once there was something --- someone holding her back from falling into routine yet again.

she loved alek, more than she had ever expected too and there was nothing francisco could say to change her mind. no amount of charming words and broken promises could fix that she might’ve loved someone more than him now. no --- she did. alek had fallen into her life at such an odd place but quickly became one of the best things to happen to her in centuries. within decades maggie had felt so terribly alone, lost herself and forgot what it felt like to be completely undeniably loved by someone who loved her despite all the mess.

swallowing hard, the blonde blinks back her tears --- unable to hold eye contact for more than several seconds at a time. why was it so difficult to let go of him? it never got easier but it feels much worse this time… this was it and it was for the better. “ please, francisco… you need to let me go. i need you to let me go --- if you really loved me you would. “ she nearly begs, knowing the horrifying truth behind it all. he cannot let go, like she won’t be able to let go of the memories or the fact that a small part of her might always love him. just not the way she had before. “ i love him… i love him. “ her words are soft spoken and for once she feels confident in them, enough that he might actually believe her instead of convincing her that it was nothing more than a phase or a short lived romance.

it was complicated and messy, blood stained and rotten but she loved him with every fiber of her being even despite the fact that she may have resented him underneath all that affection. it was no secret that this was not the life she desired, while others may kill for the preservation of immortality --- magdalena did not want it and she never did. 

hell, it was something she just adjusted too without question. after all, there wasn't much wonder to her situation either. for hundreds of years it had been the two of them against the world and that had been perfectly fine but over time, the seams of their relationship began to tear away breaking faster than either of them could fix. and yet, everytime she left in the middle of the night, slamming the door behind her with a certain kind of rage boiling beneath her skin --- she found a way back to him. it was flawless and expected, but for once maggie could already tell there was no fixing this.

this was it. this was her absolute breaking point. 

your lying, she wanted to scream. plead with him to tell her anything else, confirm that what she'd overheard was nothing more than misunderstood and taken out of context. he wouldn't do that to her --- no, he couldn't. 

francisco had never been the most pleasant man and there was plenty of awful things she would not put pass him but there was something so skin crawling about the thought of such a fabricated lie. he loved her, why would he do this?what kind of monster stripped her of the right to mourn their own child?

" tell me it isn't true --- francisco, tell me it isn't. " her pale hands were shaking, knotted together nervously through habit. there were faded scenes in her mind, only ever somewhat broken in nightmares --- nothing more than blood soaked earth, a full moon and hysterical cries. 

" why --- what the fuck did you do? that... it wasn't up to you to take that from me! " over the past few centuries maggie knew what happened, if not vaguely. something about wolves, a random attack on the full moon seemed the easiest explanation --- wrong place and wrong time but that had all been wrong. 

everything she had thought about that night was completely different, altered reality planted in her mind to offer a little comfort. and that couldn't have been more of a punch in the throat. 

she lost everything and never knew. all this time, francisco knew it all --- was left with the crushing reality that they could have had completely different lives, she couldn't been somewhat normal but his bad attitude doomed her as well. everything came crashing apart and there was no salvaging this, that maggie was positive of.