Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā 1 6Ā Ā L I N E S
Ā Ā Ā Ā ā sixteen lines of blow and iām fine Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā break my bones but act as my spine Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā wonder who youāll fuck when i die
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ...
Ā Ā Ā Ā sixteen lines will make me feel fine Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ten years ago i went blind Ā Ā Ā iāve been on my own since age nine. ā
sorry in advance this is ridiculously long and sad but it covers a lot of nikoās childhood + his first accidental od.Ā
HEAVY TW: drug abuse, mentions of child abuse/neglect
niko loves the cold.Ā
thereās something about the crisp, cool air of a winter morning that soothes himĀ ā and these days almost nothing soothes him. so he allows himself a moment to bask in it every morning that itās in town, waking up an hour (sometimes two or three) before school to breathe it in, feel it on his skin. he only retreats inside when he feels like heās had icicles for breakfast and his naturally pale complexion is reduced to an angry red.Ā
on the weekends he takes his time. he doesnāt even wear a coat unless his girlfriend ā who doesnāt let him go anywhere in the winter without him being covered head to toeĀ ā is around. if it werenāt for kodi, niko would sit outside until his fingers turned blue. sleep outside and wake up blind with the weight of fresh dew on his eyelashes. burrow his body into the snowbanks until he crystalized, finally just as delicate on the outside as on the inside. one sudden movement away from shattering.Ā
but today is different. thereās no school and kodi isnāt around and for once, niko has somewhere to be.Ā
so when the wind whistles through nikoās hair as his bike cuts through a particularly rough patch of grass, itās with a renewed sense of purpose that he swallows a lungful of air, savoring the sharp pain as it drips down his throat and leaks into his bones. a chill runs through him and sends him slightly off path, but as soon as heās regained control heās skidding to a stop.Ā
he dismounts, letting his bike fall to the ground as his feet move him towards the most familiar unfamiliar place heās ever known.
his body seems to know what to do even as his brain screams for him to go home and his heart thumps in agreement. before he can reason with himself, his hand moves of itās own volition and the confident knock knock knockĀ starkly contrasts with the way he shrinks back into himself at the sound of footsteps following it.Ā
a woman stares blankly at him from the doorway, clearly waiting for him to announce himself.
āuh.. hi. are you nina?āĀ
his voice is small and timid and not niko-like at all and her reply is something of the affirmativeĀ ā he thinks, at least. his ears are too concentrated on the sound of his own heart that he only sees her lips move, but he knows heās at the right house.
āi.. iām niko. your son.ā
the revelation should have gone accordingly:
sheād fall to her knees. maybe cry a little. call his dad over. heād cry, too. theyād invite him inside. hug him tight. tell him how this was all one big misunderstanding and theyād been looking for him all along. that they never should have been separated.Ā
theyād wrap him up in a nice cozy blanket that covered his feet and didnāt smell like bile and tell him he didnāt need to be frozen to feel something. his mom would cook them all a hot meal, and he would spend the evening with a full belly āĀ not at all reminiscent of sleepless nights and hunger pains and that time he got suspended in the second grade for stealing other kidsā lunches.Ā
he would tell them all about school and kodi and his friends and his foster family and how heād wished every day that he was back where he belonged. theyād laugh and talk and cry some more and then theyād let him watch his favorite shows on their brand new tv while they sat on a couch that didnāt sag under their weight and sometimes house bugs.Ā
the night would end with his parents tucking him into a nice big bed that definitely was NOT an old army cot in his nice big room that couldnāt possibly be a small uncluttered section of the basement. he would fall asleep feeling happy and loved.
how it actually went:
a shrill scream of his fatherās name is the only sound loud enough to permeate his eardrum and suddenly itās like his heart isnāt beating at all.Ā
a disheveled, skinny figure stomps and grumbles its way to the door, revealing the ghost of someone he once knew.Ā
itās only then that he registers his motherās haggard appearance; a gaunt woman with her face sunken in and sallow. his father isnāt in much better shape, and as his mouth opens to reveal a grimace, niko catches a glimpse of the few teeth left in his mouth. rotten and clearly decaying.Ā
āhow the hell did he find us..? āā
āi told you heād be back some day.. āā
ā..thought he was too young to remember..Ā āā
ā..you said weād never have to..ā
bits and pieces of hushed conversation compute in his brain but now itās the wind thatās overpowering all other sound. it feels loud. protective. like it knows that if he could hear everything it would ruin him for good.Ā
āi justĀ ā i know itās been a long time.. but iām here now. iām staying in a foster home close enough to bike over, so i thoughtĀ ā i donāt know, if i canāt stay maybe i could just come visit? after school. or before school, even,ā his words flow like a running tap, fast and without trepidation. thereās so much he needs to say, so much that was supposed to happen, and he canāt help himself.
āmy schoolās only a few miles from here, so itās not that long of a trip and my foster family wonāt even notice iām goneĀ ā not that they would care if they did notice but.. i could introduce you to my girlfriend. sheāsĀ āā
ālisten, kid. i want you to get out of here. get back on that bike and donāt ever come back here.ā
his fatherās gruff voice isnāt at all what niko remembers, and for a second he allows himself to believe heās made it up entirely. his father would never say that to him. not now. not after theyād been apart for so many years. surely he was hoping to reunite with niko, too. he just had no way of knowing where heād gone. that had to be it.Ā
āwait.. you donāt understand. dad..āĀ
āare you fucking deaf? get out of here! youāre not my son.ā
niko recoils at the venom in the manās tone, feeling like heād just been burned even in the cold winter air.
āwhat..? no, dad, itās me. niko..ā
āyou think i donāt know who you are?āĀ
a split second of hope. heād been kidding this whole time. of course his dad recognized him. heād be inviting him inside any minute. telling him he shouldāve worn a coat. and for once itād be his family caring about him, not just his girlfriend.
āyouāre the same as you were when you were a kid. naive. always with that stupid smile on your face. never understanding when youāre not wanted.ā
ābut.. dadĀ āā
ācall me dad one more time and iāll remind you why you got taken away.ā
nikoās blood runs cold, like the air heās been inhaling is finally starting to freeze him from the outside in. memories that he doesnāt wantĀ ā that heās worked for years to forgetĀ ā resurface in a paralyzing succession.Ā
āwhat are you waiting for, dumbass? get the fuck out of here!āĀ
itās the shove to his chest that brings him back to reality, his parents looking much more menacing from his new position on the ground. disoriented, niko scrambles to his feet, running to his bike and pedaling away as fast as he can.
x
his skin crawls as painful flashbacks flit through his mind, almost completely ready to jump out of it by the time heās off his bike again. shoving down the memories as best he can, he climbs through his girlfriendās window, managing to shakily land on his feet.
āshit! niko, what the fuck are youĀ ā niko..? hey.. hey, what happened? are you okay? baby, look at me. are you hurt?āĀ
the sound of kodiās voice sends him completely over the edge, the loud sob heād been holding in for what felt like years ripping through his throat. he collapses into his girlfriendās arms for the first time in the three years theyād known each other, and he cries.Ā
he cries while she holds him and rubs his back and tells him how much she loves him. he cries as he tries to form coherent sentences, desperately wanting to answer her questions. he cries until the icicles in his lungs are gone and all there is is fire and an ache worse than anything heās felt before.Ā
x
it isnāt until later that night when nikoās homeĀ ā after being kicked out by kodiās meddling cousin, of courseĀ ā that he allows himself to truly feel his loneliness.
he walks inside, unnoticed by the family thatās supposed to love him, apathetic towards his existence just like the one he was born into. he doesnāt kick his shoes off like heās been told to, doesnāt particularly care if he tracks snow into the house. he walks straight to his roomĀ ā which is not a basement but sometimes feels like oneĀ ā and immediately makes a beeline towards his bed.
hidden underneath it, a box inside another box, is a baggie full of pills of various shapes and sizes. he knows what some of them are. heās acquired some of them through friends, some taken from doctorās offices, his foster motherās medicine cabinet. all promise a trip far away from here.Ā
he empties the contents of the bag into his mouth. it took him a while to learn how to swallow pills dry, but heās something of a pro now.
his vision is already hazy by the time his phone lights up.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ÉŖ É“ į“ į“ į“ ÉŖ É“ É¢Ā Ā į“ į“ Ź ŹĀ Ā Ņ Ź į“ į“Ā Ā į“ į“ į“ ÉŖĀ .Ā .Ā .
āheeeeey kodes,ā niko greets in a lazy drawl, unconsciousness quickly beginning to creep up on him.Ā
āniko? are you okay? iām sorry about eden. i can come over if you need me.ā
āitās allllll good, baby. iām gooood. no worriesss..ā
āwhat? why are youĀ ā are you high right now?āĀ
thereās concern in his girlfriendās voice, but nikoās dangerously close to blacking out and isnāt finding himself capable of picking up on small details like the inflections in her tone. instead, he falls onto his bed with a lazy smile, phone propped up against his ear.Ā
āmhmmm.. took a bunch of pills.. a lot of preeetty pills.. pretty.. like you..ā he dissolves into a disoriented fit of laughter that isnāt reciprocated. instead, kodiās words come through hurried and scared.
āpills? what? what kind of pills?! .. niko? niko, what did you take? .. baby. baby, please answer me. what pills did you take? oh god, niko, what did you do?ā
the muscles in his mouth refuse to move in answer, so niko closes his eyes and listens to the voice of the only person he loves, letting sleep take him. hoping to wake up in a world thatās a little bit kinder.












