#vulnerable thoughts

Or am I just holding on to a fleeting idea to not feel even lonelier?

2019 was my toughest year yet and it’s scary going into a new year after everything i endured during this one, but i’m still doing my best to believe in the power of fresh starts and all the good possibly waiting for me in this new beginning. i hope you too find it in yourself to believe in the same because you deserve nothing less. we’re on this journey together and we’re going to be okay. i love you. 🖤

It’s crazy to me how we can crave an old connection or bond of something from our past, even after going through so much manipulation and abuse- is it the comfort? The bond and match of energy? The friendship? It makes me wonder; am I too loyal? Do I love too hard even when I shouldn’t anymore? Do I not love myself enough? Part of letting go is accepting that something no longer serves you and knowing you deserve better. I believe I understand this, but for some reason it still doesn’t feel the way it’s supposed to, or atleast the way I want it to. Maybe I am blinded by the potential, or the “what if” scenarios. But no matter what, even with closure and after all this time, it still feels like something is missing. You shouldn’t have such a strong presence in my identity, but you do. Maybe it’s because I have learned so much from our experience together and it molded me into the woman I am today. Although I am grateful for all the blessings and lessons you have taught me, I still have an unnatural time accepting that that’s all I really can be. Just grateful. I don’t want it to be the end. Not even in a romantic, imtimate way. But as a person in my life, in my future, in general. That’s the shitty part about diving so deep into someone, for such an extended period of time, at such a tender age. I will probably love again with someone different at some point, but it will not be the same kind of love. Maybe it will be stronger, maybe it won’t be so intense, but our experience has definitely set the bar high and I can only hope the same for you. I hope you get treated the way you deserve emotionally and mentally by someone who makes you want to provide the same energy, a love that’s unmatched and desirable. Throughout all the ups and downs, difficulty and turmoils, I will always care about you immensely. I will always want the best for you. I will always pray for you. My spirit will always be with you. And I will always love you.

if i say, can i rest in your arms? would you make a space in your bed for my beasts? or do i have to apologize first for blindly daring confessing my thirst for soul-merging closeness?