What do you do when nothing helps? Each month, each week, each day feels harder than the last to get through. I keep trying to find some sort of purpose for my life and falling short. I keep trying to tell myself things will get better than this, but at my core, I just donât believe that to be true. I keep trying and trying and still all I can think of is how nice it will be when I am no longer here. I donât know how to change things for the better when nothing seems like it can get better. People say that itâs gotten better before and it will again, but has it ever actually gotten better before? I donât really know that it has. I donât know how to keep pushing forward when every day feels scarier and more meaningless than the last. I donât know how I move forward in my circumstances. I donât know how I become a caretaker and simultaneously watch everything Iâve ever loved leave this world or be destroyed. It feels like there are road blocks at every turn. It feels like instead of it being â1 step forward, 2 steps backâ, itâs consistently just â2 steps backâ. It feels like I havenât gotten even an hour of things feeling decently okay in so long, I just donât know what to do.
I donât understand how to keep going. I look to the future and just get filled with sadness, panic and dread. I am more alone than Iâve ever been in my entire life. I spend my days crying for hours upon hours, I feel like I could down in the tears I shed. I donât understand how Iâm supposed to do this alone. I just keep saying Iâm okay and fine, because what could anyone do either way. I donât understand how to navigate this life alone, and especially with the physical disabilities and challenges I face on top of that. But I donât want to get close to anybody. I donât want the hurt that comes along with it. I no longer want to show the amount of vulnerability thatâs needed for it. The extreme hurt and disappointment that ultimately happens is not worth all of the time and effort and small moments of fleeting hope. It feels like all Iâve learned in the last three and a half years is that none of this is worth it in the long-run. How do you find and build community from square zero? When itâs difficult to get out, when you carry so much with you, when you have a hard time physically doing things most people enjoy, and want to do?
The amount of shame I carry with me is tremendous. The amount of hurt and exhaustion I feel is too much. Nothing helps. Itâs all too much.
I donât know what to do, where to go, or how to feel better than this. Iâm fine enough, I guess, but it all feels relentless.
I just donât know. I keep going in circles. I am lost.
