pretty messed up but idk what to do about it really. it does not help that once i start feeling safe i never want to shut up because i have soooo much bottled up i just want to talk to someone about, which furthers that fear of being annoying and being discarded for it. alas...

oh and if i spoke to someone a lot already abt my problems, even if it was months ago, i have this feeling that oh i totally depleted my vulnerability stash and now i can never be vulnerable with this person again or i'll be too needy and selfish

@finesthex​​​ took inspiration from this & said :   ❛   do you even feel anything  ?   ❜ 

              ❛    feel anything---- ?     you wanna know if i feel anything ?    well , 𝔰𝔥𝔬𝔠𝔨 , if you really must know , let me tell you what it is exactly that i feel .   ’      & her name on his tongue is bitter .        the bile in the back of his throat tastes ever so horrid & as fingers tremble , eyes grow wide with the imagery of his guts splayed fresh against hardwood floors .     is it finally , in a fit of 𝐏𝐔𝐑𝐄 𝐑𝐀𝐆𝐄 that he rips himself open for her ?      is it finally , in a 𝐕𝐈𝐎𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐔𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐀𝐑 that he unfolds his insides for an open viewing ?    flared are his nostrils , chest heaving heavily as an unfamiliar chemical courses through him---    a poison ,   a venom that he can’t quite comprehend .    it was fear . lock , in all his time , had experienced fear in every aspect , he’d grasped the concept in it’s entirety--   lived in it , enveloped himself in it , enraptured himself in it .     but this fear---     fear of 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐯𝐮𝐥𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞---   was all to alien .