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オーダーキッチンのリブレ

オーダーキッチンのリブレ

I feel like she would’ve been born first, that she would’ve been the “older” sister I never had.

Would she have been queer? Or trans? I feel like she would’ve been the tomboy to my girly girl in childhood - but as we aged our roles would reverse as I found my trans identity and she found power in womanhood. The Artemis to my Apollo.

Would she have been autistic like me? Would we both be grieving together as we got diagnosed late in life? Or maybe she would just have ADHD - maybe she would’ve been the hyperactive to my inattentive.

Would we have been identical? I feel like we would’ve been, but not completely. Very nearly though, with a few differences of some kind.

What would she be doing for work? Would she do what I never could and go into theatre and acting? Or would she have had the drive to build content creation as a career, which I could’ve done but shy’d away from. Or maybe she’d be a teacher, maybe she’d have the patience for such a career.

I hope she wouldn’t have been Christian or Catholic - I would’ve loved to have someone in my life who shares my love of paganism and the occult. I hope she wouldn’t have been like the rest of my family - I’d like to imagine we would’ve rejected them together, the two of us the only blood family we’d ever need.

I don’t know - I’ll never know

I’ll never know why she was never born or what parts of me are me, and what parts should’ve been her. I feel like instead of just losing her, I became her - in bits and pieces. In the cracks between who I am and who I want to be - in who I was and who I could’ve been.

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