I've always kinda hated how high my voice is (and paradoxically hated that it wasn't higher) I don't know if it's internalized misogyny or gender dysphoria, but I've always hated just how it sounds when it goes too high!
I also have a lifelong special interest in voice acting. From about the age of 12 I've been trying and kinda failing at being an impressionist. When I was into Animaniacs, I pushed my voice beyond it's natural range to do Yakko and Wakko impressions and didn't stop even when it hurt. I spent months having the worst sore throat, but it was worth it because I sounded very close to my favorite characters voices! I had looked it up at the time, I knew that it could damage my vocal chords, but since I never took my dreams of being a professional singer or voice actor seriously, I decided that it was fine...
Over the years I've tried to sound like Varian from Tangled The Series, Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock, Brandon Flowers, and most recently Hayden Christensen's Anakin Skywalker. I sound nothing like them, but it just feels good to talk in a deeper voice. My throat isn't as sore as it used to be, so either my vocal chords have toughened up some? Or I'm doing it in a healthier way? I don't know. Low levels of pain in my throat are a constant now and I am used to them. I know I'm not going to change these bad habits so I'm not going to bother with trying to heal or go to an ENT to see if there's anything that can make them better again. This means that I likely could never be a professional singer or voice actor despite my dreams of doing both (I want to start a rock band so bad) but it is what it is.
But one good thing that has come out of this is that I no longer hate my voice as much. I've heard it on recordings so many times that I am just used to it now! Sometimes I even listen to recordings of myself over and over again for fun because it's weirdly soothing... I swear whether it's puberty or vocal damage my voice has gotten a little deeper as well!
Ever since realizing I'm nonbinary, I've been considering off and on if I would ever want to go on T as it would get rid of my hatred of my voice all together! I may even be able to do convincing impressions of my favorite characters!! But then there are days when I listen to my voice and I think it's so cute and sweet and I would miss it if it was gone forever... And there are other days still where my dysphoria comes from my voice not being high enough! I want to be able to sing my favorite Disney songs or Demi Lovato songs or Defying Gravity! It's so disappointing that my voice is just too deep for that. Or even that my voice is too deep to do impressions of my favorite girl characters like Rapunzel, Dot Warner, Ahsoka, Padme, etc properly!
I don't know. Very rambly this one. I don't know how to end this lol
