Rave, do you have any updates for us in your 1d bedtime stories, specifically in regards to YouTube stars Zayna and Liam??
WELL! HAD A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS. Had it in my drafts since mid-2015, ha ha ha ha. Lots to do. Lots of ground to cover. Let’s see.
The first thing Zayn does after her breakup is text Niall, obviously: dun something….haha oh god .🙊 call me? xx
She doesn’t actually expect Niall to get back to her bc it’s prime Sex With Bressie time, but then Niall actually calls her back (Bressie’s working late) and is like, “Monkey face emoji eh? That’s serious, what’d you get up to?”
“I uh,” Zayna says. “I broke up with [Not Alex]?”
so of course 5 minutes later Niall is at her door with a magnum of white wine and an expression of OBVIOUS DELIGHT that she’s trying to pass off as “sympathetic.” Zayna gives her a look.
“I’m not even upset, honestly,” Zayna says a glass or two in. “I mean, it’d be all right if you were, though,” Niall says carefully. “You were together for a long time. A really long time. From my perspective like…at least a hundred years.” Zayn gives her that look again, but she’s fighting a smile.
“You must be wondering how come I didn’t…why I said I’d marry him and everything,” Zayn says. Niall shrugs. “I just….I don’t know. I thought it’d get better. I thought if I agreed to this thing, if there was like, some certainty, I thought that would….resolve things, and I’d stop feeling so…I don’t know.”
After a second she makes a vague, helpless little gesture with one hand. “I know I’m an idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot,” Niall says.
“I’m a little bit of an idiot,” Zayn says.
“You’re my favorite idiot,” Niall amends.
So Zayn tells her all about it, and about Liam’s sweet email (and about how “that wasnt like, WHY I did it, it was just….it was just the thing at that moment that pushed me over, that was so – different from what it was like with [Not Alex]. You know?”) and two more glasses in, they’re lying on the bed & Niall finally judges that It Is Time. She props her head up on one hand and says casually, “So have you told our Liam?”
“I’ve only told you so far,” Zayn says.
“Are you going to tell Liam?” Niall says patiently.
“Yeah, of course,” Zayn says.
“And am I still pretending this has absolutely nothing to do with him and you’re just looking forward to being single for a while now?” Niall says, pouring more wine.
“Oh my god, shut up,” Zayna says, smacking Niall in the ribcage and then hiding her face in her hands.
“I mean, I can if you want, I just think it’d be nice to be able to finally talk about how much you like Liam.”
“Of course I like Liam,” Zayn says stubbornly, through her palms. Niall rolls her eyes.
“Are you going to date him?”
“Don’t be mad,” Zayna says. “I’ve just broken up with [Not Alex] like an hour ago. Anyway, who says he wants to date me?” Niall rolls over and lets out a despairing GROAN SCREAM of COMIC FRUSTRATION into the duvet. “HE LITERALLY JUST WROTE YOU AN EMAIL SAYING HE’S HAD A CRUSH ON YOU SINCE YOU MET, YOU NINNY. Do you want to date him or not.”
“I just want him to be my friend again,” Zayn says, unconvincingly.
“Your sex and marriage friend,” Niall says.
“Shut uppppp,” Zayn says again.
“Text him,” Niall says firmly.
After much agonizing Zayn settles on thanks 4 your email babe .. meant alot . miss u xx. After she sends it she panics slightly and starts typing something else but then just turns it into a heart emoji.
She does that nail art vlog that basically announces she’s single, and then she doesn’t do one the week after bc she’s too stressed. She has to get all of Not Alex’s things in boxes, and it just – she can’t really think about exposing her emotions to an audience yet. But she does a double-length one the week after that and does an Ask Me Anything.
“The worst mistake I ever made? Probably erm….getting engaged?? Haha. But really.”
“But you know what, whatever! We all do things in our lives because we um, we think they’re the right thing to do, and sometimes we’re wrong. And we, um, we hurt people, or we get hurt. But we’ve got to forgive ourselves. It’s all good, you know? It’s life.”
Watching it back, she realizes she’s never heard herself say “It’s all good” before. She must have picked it up from Liam. The thought makes her feel weird, and nice. It’s nice to think of how much Liam has made himself part of in her life, in these little ways she wouldn’t even usually notice.
That night she and Liam have their Skype date for the first time in weeks. She feels so weird, waiting for him to pick up, and then when he picks up he’s all eager and soft, looking as nervous and happy to see her as she feels to see him. “Hi,” Zayna says, feeling her throat close up.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
GETTIN THERE, PAL! First of all, I forgot to mention this before but I’d like to retroactively posit that Liam gets an extremely painful and sudden tattoo right after he thinks he’s driven Zayn away and lost her forever.
“Do you wanna think about this?” his artist asks. Liam’s usually really careful about getting new ink and it takes him forever to decide things but this time he just came in and picked something off the flash sheet. “I’m all right,” Liam says shortly. He almost doesn’t care what the art is, he just wants the feeling.
It is also possible that as he’s in the chair, thinking about nothing, the needle buzz rattling in his bones, a tear leaks over his clenched jaw. His artist glances up at him for a second, but then she goes back to work. Everybody knows the back of the hand is a bitch to do.
ANYHOO. So Liam is at home, running a bath for Lil Whatsername, when he gets a text from Louis:
THEY BROKE UP
Liam’s stomach does this intense, painful jolt. He instantly knows exactly who she’s talking about, of course, but he reminds himself that he doesn’t actually KNOW. Louis could be talking about someone famous or something. Louis talks all kinds of garbage.
Who?
U KNOW WHO . ZAYN AN HER BOYFRIEND/HUSBAND/ WHATEVER
Liam’s heartguts squeeze into a knot. For a second he feels lightheaded.
How do u know, he writes carefully.
U WATCHED HER VID FROM THIS MORNING YET ??
Of course Liam watched it, Liam watches everything Zayn’s ever done. It was about nail art and he barely understood it, but it made him really happy for some reason. She seemed more herself than she has for the last few weeks, more relaxed. She laughed more. It was nice to watch.
“Um yeah, so as you can see, I’ve reeeeally neglected my cuticles lately!”
“But that’s all right, because we’re gonna fix everything up and get a fresh start. With our nice, clean, bare....cuticles”
So he’s seen it and it was great but he doesn’t recall there being anything about a breakup. Yeah the nails one? she didn’t say anythin like that
It seems like Louis is typing for a while, but after a few seconds all he gets is U DOLT
LOOKAT HER HAND
what r u talking about lou, Liam writes back, annoyed.
my god ... ur truly hopeless
she’s NOT WEARING her RING
There’s a Snapchat notification. Liam opens it.
Liam’s heart feels like it’s drumming right in his ears. mayb she just took it off tho.
THEN WHY WOULD SHE MAKE A WHOLE VIDEO POINTING TO HER LEFT HAND AND MAKIN FACES OHHHHH MY GOD UR SO DUMB
i just dont think it necassaraly means they broke up just bcos shes not wearing the ring
His phone’s silent for a moment. Then it buzzes, but this time it’s from Niall.
Evenin big fella ... Louis says u don’t believe Zayn’s a single pringle 😜
Guess what ... she is
Single I mean ....
N good riddance !!!
Liam puts his phone down on the sink abruptly and walks in a quick circle around the bathroom. Then he picks it up again. There’s already two new messages. One from Niall -- Im sure she’ll tell u herself, its not a secret or anything !! But Louis said to text so there u go !! -- and the other from Louis: WHATTT DID I FUCKIIINNGGG TELL UUUUUU 😲😲😲😲😲🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩
Ok ok!!! he types back. Then he realizes the bath is about to overflow and he hasn’t checked the temperature in like 3 minutes, panics, drops the phone on his foot, says “shit,” turns off the faucet and checks the water quickly. It’s not too hot but he still feels stupid. “aaaAAA?” yells Lil Whatsername, from the next room. “In a second, darling!” calls sweet dad Liam, shaking water off his fingers. The phone, on his foot, buzzes again. He picks it up.
Heya babes :) Havent talked in ages, Skype date this week?? x
Liam wants to throw his phone in the bath and run around the house yelling with joy but he breathes in and tells himself to BE COOL. YES, SHE BROKE UP WITH THIS GUY, AND THAT’S IMPORTANT BC HE WAS NO GOOD, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN SHE WANTS TO DATE YOU. IT DOESN’T EVEN MEAN YOU SHOULD DATE. SHE JUST WANTS YOU TO BE HER FRIEND AGAIN.
Yeh sounds cool!! 😃 he writes back, laboriously. Usual Tuesday? It isn’t "usual” anymore, of course, because they haven’t spoken in weeks, but they always used to talk on Tuesdays.
Can’t wait :)
Liam wanders into Lil Whatsername’s room in a kind of dreamy haze. “Hello darling,” he says, beaming down at her. “BAB,” says Lil Whatsername.
“Did you say Bath?” Liam says.
BAB! Lil whatsername says again.
“MUM! COME UP, SHE SAID A WORD, SHE SAID BATH!!!!!” BAB BAB BAB BAB, Lil Whatsername says impatiently, making grabby hands at her dad. Liam picks her up and spins her in a little waltz around the room, singing bab, bab, babba bab, my little baby loves her bath bath bath into her tiny baby ear until she’s laughing her gurgly baby laugh, and Liam feels so happy it’s like his heart is filling up his whole chest.
verybee replied to your post: Plz I beg of u tell us more about vlog direction...
IM ONE SENTENCE IN AND YOURE CONTRADICTING YOURSELLLF DIDNT BRESSIE KNOW HE LOVED HER AS SOON AS HE SAW HER ON THE ORIENTATION ADVENTURE TRAIL???
GODDAMMIT BEE CAN U FOR ONE SECOND STOP REMEMBERING THINGS I DON’T WANT U TO REMEMBER???????? As a Matter of Fact, these 2 things are not at ALL contradictory. from his own future vantage point, Bressie always REMEMBERS his feelings for Niall as being love at first sight, because when u reconstruct the narrative of a relationship u rarely include the details that do not fit. Bressie loves her so much now, and started loving her so suddenly and completely, that he forgets there were 2 perfectly pleasant days at the beginning of their acquaintance where he was like “what a nice kid this is” before it turned into “i’m a lecherous old creep.”
PS, I also think possibly Bressie has a long-term, long-distance gurlf when he meets Niall? Doesn’t he seem like the kind of person who would?? Like, maybe she’s a paleontology postdoc and she’s doing fieldwork at, like, Bostobynskaya, and maybe they don’t talk that often but Bressie loves her in a dutiful, slightly unsexy, serial-monogamist way. She’s kind of bossy and she’s VERY smart and at some point she comes to visit and Niall is incredibly intimidated and feels terrible and avoids Bressie for weeks. When Bressie eventually -- with truckloads of guilt -- breaks up with this girlfriend over Skype (due to having been silently agonizingly in love with Niall for like a year and worrying that he is wasting the girlfriend’s time by not having his whole heart in the game), she is SUPER businesslike about it, like she literally says “Thanks for letting me know,” and not even in a bitchy way, just completely cool and detached. Less than 6 months later she’s pregnant and married to a 64-year-old ornithologist from the University of Latvia. She sends Bressie a brief, not unfriendly email notifying him about the pregnancy and the wedding, which is going to be on the beach in Jūrmala, and says he is “more than welcome to attend” to which Bressie is like HA HA..............T....HANKS......THATS OK
Plz I beg of u tell us more about vlog direction bressie they r so important
WELL the one thing I can tell you right now is – and this may surprise you – it was totally Love At First Sight for Niall but it actually wasn’t for Bressie! And the reason is bc frankly he was so much in Older Brother/Friendly But Maintaining Firm Boundaries mode that it didn’t even occur to him to look at her that way. It’s not that he didn’t register that she was sweet and cute, but it was in the same way that you might notice that a little kid is going to grow up to be great-looking. Like, when he signs up to be a wilderness guide for a bunch of teens, it never crosses his mind that it’ll be anything more than kind of a fun babysitting gig, much less that any one of these infants could be a romantic prospect. (Although it does cross his mind PRETTY SOON AFTER HE MEETS NIALL and then he feels like a terrible guilty old pervert about it for literally years.) IN FACT let’s talk about the first time they meet!
So it’s like the first week before university and Niall’s signed up for this ORIENTEERING TRIP. She doesn’t know a single person, but of course within 5 minutes of thumping her giant backpack down at the place where the van is gonna pick them all up, she has 10 new best friends (including HARRY) and is happily teaching one of them, Bressie’s co-leader EOGHAN, how to play “Uptown Funk” on the ukelele.
They’re laughing about some dumb thing when A GUY wanders by with, like, a pile of tents* (*i don’t know how much I can emphasize to you that i don’t know how camping works) or something slung effortlessly over his giant shoulder, just generally being a broad-beamed sequoia of competent handsomeness. Big shoulders edged in sunlight, Disney Prince forearms bare. Niall’s gum falls out of her mouth.
“All right, McDermott?” the guy calls. “You wanna help, or?”
“LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE HANDLING IT!” Eoghan calls back cheerfully, throwing him a thumbs-up. The guy gives him the finger and trudges back to the van. As soon as he’s gone Niall turns her huge wide blue eyes on Eoghan and is like, sooo…Your man there. He’s ahh, he’s coming with us? “Yes, he is my assistant,” says Eoghan solemnly. Niall nods and focuses back on the ukelele so she won’t start asking embarrassing questions or LIE DOWN ON THE GROUND and SCREAM with SUDDEN OVERWHELMING NAUSEOUS LUST.
Everything gets worse a couple minutes later, when a shadow falls over her and someone says “Musician, are ya?” in this deep, kind voice with a little smile in it.
“Oh,” Niall says, blinking up at him. “Um, kind of. I mean, I like it.”
“You’re good at it,” says The Most Attractive Person In The World. “I’m glad we’ll have some music. I’m Bressie, I’m gonna be leading up the trip with Eoghan.” His hand completely envelops hers when they shake. It’s warm and a little damp. His hair is damp too. He’s already got sweat stains down his neck and chest and under his arms. AND the thing is Niall doesn’t really get crushes, not like, serious out of the blue mack-truck crushes like this. She hasn’t even really dated anyone. She’s been ON dates.
“What’s your name?” Bressie gently prompts her after 10 seconds of dazzled silence.
“Right,” Niall says, going bright red. “Niall, it’s Niall. Sorry, I was thinking about something else.” Then she starts laughing, because she’s embarrassed and because it’s funny. Bressie likes her laugh right off the bat, it’s loud and genuine and shows her braces.
“What were you thinking about, then?”
YOUR DICK!!!!, Niall does not say. “Food,” she says instead. “When’s marshmallows?”
“We haven’t even started walkin yet, chief,” Bressie says, grinning down at her.
“Then we better get started, I’m starving,” Niall says, and sticks out her hand, lets Bressie help her up.
PS if you’re wondering when Bressie starts to Feel Feelings, it’s a couple nights later when everyone else is wrapped up asleep in their tents and Bressie is cleaning up the fire site and he hears a tentative footstep and it’s NIALL, in a giant hoodie, limping out of her tent to ask if he needs any help. “Get back to bed, eejit,” Bressie says, shooing her. “Should be resting that ankle.” Niall shrugs one shoulder. “Can’t sleep?” Bressie asks.
“Nah,” Niall says. She hesitates and then goes on in a rush, “I’m a bit, ah. Nervous maybe? To get back and like, start classes and everything. And not know anybody.”
“It’s all right to be nervous, chief. Everyone’s nervous,” Bressie says, gently maneuvering her into sitting down on a log. “Anyway, you know plenty of people. This whole trip’s obsessed with you, silly. You’re rooming with Harry, aren’t you? You love Harry. You know Laura and Amy and Gilly and Sean. You know Eoghan. You know me.”
Niall nods but she doesn’t answer. They sit there in silence for a minute, and it’s nice, a spacious comfortable silence, all crickets and stars and the lingering smell of the fire.
“Brez,” Niall says tentatively, “when we get back, um. Will you teach me to play guitar? Properly like?”
“Course,” Bressie says, smiling down at her. “Course I will, chief. But it will be awful for me,” he adds with a big resigned sigh.
“Shut uppp,” Niall says. “Thanks.”
PPS. If you’re wondering when he starts to feel Sexy Feelings, it’s when the group stops at a lake to go swimming and Niall accidentally-on-purpose makes lingering eye contact with him while taking her shirt off.
WELL APRICOT BLOSSOM. it took me 100 years but THIS MIGHT BE THE DAY UR WISHES COME TRUE.
basically so Zayna jets from the rehearsal dinner under a cloud, leaving her worried family behind, and drags her shitty boyfriend Not Alex back to their apartment. He’s whining the whole time about how she’s emBARRassed him in front of both of their FAMilies. zayna is silently chewing the inside of her cheek. When they get to their apartment, Not Alex turns around at the door and gives her a martyred, reproachful look. “Well, what was that about?” he says.
Zayna takes a deep breath and steels herself. “I have to say something,” she says, “and it’s -- not going to be easy, but --”
“Sweetie,” says Not Alex gently, dropping his sweatshirt on the floor and flopping down on the sofa, “could you just get on with it? I know sometimes you have trouble just saying what you mean, but that’s no reason to drag this out. It’s actually really inconsiderate. Can you grab me a beer if you’re going to the kitchen?”
“I’m not going to the kitchen,” Zayn says evenly, holding on to the hall table so she won’t PUNCH HIM in the MOUTH. “I’m telling you--”
Not Alex SIGHS a terribly put-upon sigh and runs his hands dramatically through his hair. “God, babe, I don’t know why you want to do this passive-aggressive stuff right now,” he says, and then he adds, “You know, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve had a rough couple of weeks,” and Zayna STRAIGHT UP LOSES IT.
“Oh i’m sorry. YOU’VE had a rough couple of weeks?”
“HAha, yOU? Are the one who has had? A rough couple of weeks???? THAT’S weird because I thought I was the one who was planning everything, paying for everything, and working overtime so I can pay for the things I’ve been planning. I thought I was holding down a job like an adult while you were getting high the second you wake up, spending the whole day playing Grand Theft Auto and leaving dishes in the sink for ME to clean up, and then WHILE I’M WASHING THEM you stand there and tell me what a bitch I’m being and how tough you have it. But you’re so right, Not Alex! You’re so right, I’M the asshole here. I’m the one with the unpaid parking tickets. I’M the one who lies about literally everything. I’M the one laughing and joining in when your friends make shitty, awful comments about SHAGGING ME while i’m STANDING RIGHT THERE. I’M the one who DOESN’T PAY RENT but LOVES SIGNING US UP FOR FANCY CABLE. I’m the one who owes TWO THOUSAND QUID that you swore you’d pay me back in THREE WEEKS and that was a YEAR AGO. Oh, and I’M the one who has NEVER, not ONCE, asked what I like in bed, but let me give you a hint, it’s not you mauling my tits for 5 seconds, coming in 30 and going immediately to sleep. OH WAIT. NO. THAT’S YOU. ALL OF THOSE ARE YOU.”
"and BY the way, all of those were enough, any ONE of those would have been enough, but just as a bonus, if you think i don’t know about PAULA from the MOVIE THEATER and JENNIFER from the PUB and JESSICA from the bloody BUS STOP and WHOEVER ELSE, YOU’RE DELUDED!!!! But I KEPT IT TO MYSELF because I thought I was being IRRATIONAL and you were TRYING and you JUST COULDN’T HANDLE MONOGAMY! What a LOAD OF CRAP!!! You could have talked to me, you could have left if you really didn’t like it, but of course you wouldn’t leave, because the fact is you were perfectly happy to PRETEND to be monogamous as long as it would keep ME paying your BILLS.”
“NO. I’M NOT FINISHED. DON’T INTERRUPT ME. God, I must have gotten SOMETHING out of this relationship once, but I honestly don’t remember what, because now it’s just a NIGHTMARE, and I let it go on and on because I thought it was going to get better, but it’s not. We’re done. We’re not getting married. You can take your stuff and go sleep at your mate’s house or call JESSICA or do WHATEVER YOU WANT. I don’t care what you do, as long as you get OUT of my apartment and OUT of my life and DON’T COME BACK.”
there is a VERY LONG SILENCE. Not Alex is just standing there with his mouth hanging open and a look of genuine shock on his face. Zayna’s whole head feels hot and her hands are like NUMB with the force of her own crazy propulsive rage. She has a distant feeling that she’s gonna feel really stupid in about 5 seconds but right now she feels like she’s FLYING.
“Babe,” says Not Alex, recovering slightly. “I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about, but I think you’re just--”
“Get out,” Zayna says loudly, “of my HOUSE. Do not talk any more. I am so so so so so tired of listening to you TALKING.”
Not Alex gives her a look that is supposed to be like, dignified and hurt but proud, but the actual fear in his weaselly little eyes ruins the whole effect. “Fine,” he says. “I’ll go.”
Zayna opens the door and stares him down.
“I’m turning my phone off,” Not Alex informs her as he shoulders out. “Don’t try to call me.”
As soon as he’s gone she slams the deadbolt, leans back against the door, breathes out a long shaky breath, and then starts laughing. Just a little at first and then like a FULL BODY LAUGH of PURE UNCONTROLLED HYSTERICAL RELIEF, the kind of terrified I’M ALIVE!!! laugh that bursts out of you when you’ve just barely swerved away from colliding with a truck on the highway. “Oh my god,” she says to the air a couple of times. “Ohhh my god.”
Finally she gets up. She goes to pour herself a glass of wine, but then thinks better of it and takes the bottle out of the fridge and heads to bed with that. After a couple of minutes shakily calming down, she calls Niall, who doesn’t pick up. (Which is normal, it’s like 11pm, she’s definitely busy having sex.) Zayn texts her instead. dun something....haha oh god . 🙊 call me? xx
Round midnight in his parents’ house in Wolverhampton, Liam Payne’s phone buzzes. He fishes it out of the bedsheets and the sight of Zayna’s name makes his heart swoop. He steels himself for a second in case it says something like “pls don’t send me creepy overwrought emails anymore” or “i just got married” but it doesn’t, it says
thanks 4 your email babe .. meant alot . miss u xx
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
RAVE IT'S BEEN THE SAD PART OF VLOGDIRECTION FOR ABOUT NINE MONTHS NOW GIVE US SOME RELIEF IN THIS GODDAMN WORLD!!!!
LISTEN I’VE BEEN WALLOWING IN TEEN ROMANTIC DRAMAGONY BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MY OWN BORING ADULT SADNESS!!!! But I mean, listen. If anyone is sick of being sad, it’s THESE TWO DUMDUMS.
After their disastrous bar encounter, sweet beautyvlogger ZAYNA cries literally the entire drive back from Wolverhampton. She didn’t know exactly how Liam would react to her coming – she was half-delirious driving up, kept having these dizzy flashes of possibility, crazy stuff, imagining herself doing things she’d never do in real life – and she thought, okay, maybe he’d be mad for a second, but then she’d see his face soften and that gentleness, that particular tender warmth, come into his eyes. The way, she realizes now, it always has, every time he sees her, even when she’s just popping in on Skype or something. She never imagined he’d look at her the way he did at that bar. It wasn’t even like he hated her, it was like he didn’t even know her. He said she was mean, and coming from Liam that sounded worse than any shitty name anyone’s ever called her. She rests her elbows on the steering wheel and wipes her nose with the heel of her hand and just like DROWNS IN MISERY and doesn’t realize the light’s changed until all the cars behind her are honk honk honking.
It’s like midnight by the time she gets back but she can’t go home, the last thing she wants to do is crawl into bed with stupid terrible boyfriend Not Alex and have him ask her where she’s been and then punish her by sulking, so she texts Niall like “so sorry know its late but can i come over…:(” and Niall sits straight up in bed and is like OF COURSE!!!!! OF COURSE, COME HERE IMMEDIATELY. “Head!! I think she might have broken up with him,” she hisses at Bressie. “Hooray!” murmurs Bressie sleepily, pumping his giant fist in the air and then immediately falling back asleep.
Of course by the time Zayna gets there it’s clear she hasn’t broken up with Not Alex. The story comes out all disjointed, but Niall is able to gather that she drove all the way to Wolverhampton to see Liam sing and that, yes, he sounded beautiful and yes, the song might have been about her, but it just shows how much he hates her now, he’s realized what a jerk she is – Niall is trying to listen to all of this nonjudgmentally but she keeps having to interrupt like NO YOU’RE NOT!!! BABE, NO – but YES, zayna says, her voice all teary and thick, Niall doesn’t know, Niall didn’t see his face, and she IS a jerk, she DID lead him on, she did act like he was her boyfriend, she let it go on and on even though she knew it was hurting him, and it was hurting HER, too, and then she didn’t tell him about getting married, how could she tell him? And she drove all that way, she was going to tell him – oh she doesn’t know what she was going to say to him, but it doesn’t matter now because he hates her. It goes on and on and on and finally Niall gives up on trying to stop her and just holds her tight and pets her hair and lets her cry into her shirt.
The next couple of days are fucking terrible. Not Alex, as predicted, is giving Zayn the silent treatment while simultaneously concern-trolling her. “I know girls get stressed out about weddings babe, but you can always talk to me if you’re having a hard time.” She almost gets fired for bailing on her shift with no notice, and her manager tells her stiffly that the only reason she’s keeping her job is that she’s a really strong associate on the sales end, and that ALSO makes her feel awful and like her life is going in this unbearable direction. SHE DOESN’T WANT TO BE GOOD AT THIS SHITTY JOB!!!!! GOD!!!!!!! MAYBE IF SHE GOT FIRED SHE WOULD AT LEAST HAVE TO MAKE SOME CHANGES. INSTEAD OF JUST. DRIFTING ALONG.
The rehearsal dinner is that Friday. There’s not much to rehearse – they’re doing a super minimal ceremony in a private room at a restaurant where one of Not Alex’s douchey rich bros is a partner. (Privately Zayna thinks the douchey rich bro probably owes Not Alex for years’ worth of free weed, but she has no actual proof of this.) Not Alex is late and when he finally DOES arrive is totally not apologetic and glad-handy and awful. Zayna’s parents pretend not to be pissed about it, but she keeps catching her mom’s worried eyes, which makes her feel guilty all over again. At the dinner she excuses herself to go sit in the bathroom and cry some more when her phone dings. it’s an email from Liam and the subject line is just “Hey”
Hi Zaynnnn,
Sorry if this is so wierd….I know I should talk to u in person instead of emailing but I want to make sure I say things right and actually say what I mean….so you dont have to read this or anything but I just wanted to send it!!
I’m really worried when I saw you last week Im worried I was a real dick head. I’m worried I made u feel like you did something wrong coming to see me….actually it was so nice that you came it really meant alot and it wasn’t fair to be so horrible to you when you came all that way.
Ayways, I guess what Im trying to say is, (phew I’m getting all sweaty haha…..maybe I should have called u after all, u always make me less nervous!!! Well here goes...) when I said I had a crush on you, thats true but it wasn’t five minutes….I had it ever since I met you probably Zayn. it was pretty bad. I guess I still do have it and that’s what made me act such a twat. It was hard to hear about u getting married like I was really gutted and thats not fair because I always knew you had somebody so please dont worry that u did anything to lead me on or lie to me because, u didn’t. All you did was be a good friend and I just fell in love with u anyway. Pretty dumb ha ha. I even understand why you didnt want to tell me, it must have been pretty obvious I wouldnt react in a good way. I see that now.
When I said I didnt want to be youre friend anymore….well I didnt mean it, I mean I did mean it then but I dont really. I miss you too much Zayn. It might be hard to talk for a while until I get a handle on myself but I am really gunna try. Im so sorry for all of it and how I acted and feeling this way.
I’m happy for you getting married I really am. He’s a lucky guy but I guess you think you are pretty lucky too that’s what marriage is all about right???
Love always,Leemo
ZAYNA SITS THERE IN THE BATHROOM STALL, STUNNED.
She is crying, she realizes belatedly, but it’s a different kind of crying. It’s gutting but it feels real, and nothing’s felt real in weeks. After a long time she gets up, splashes water on her face, stares at herself for a second. She can hear stupid Not Alex’s voice raised in one of his boring self-important stories, her sister laughing politely.
When she comes out of the bathroom she’s pale and composed. The check’s paid and Not Alex is proposing that they all go somewhere for drinks. “No, we can’t,” Zayna says. She feels totally certain, looking at Not Alex, who’s starting to get annoyed and making some joking-but-not-joking remark about THE OL BALL AND CHAIN, NO FUN, ACTING LIKE THEY’RE MARRIED ALREADY. She doesn’t feel lucky to be with him. The only time she’s felt lucky in weeks was reading that email. She felt lucky to know Liam, just to know him. “I need to talk to you,” she tells Not Alex. She takes a deep breath. “Alone.”
what is happening in the vlog direction universe?? how does liams performance go? does he cry? (please no) does zayna show up? (please yes) TELL USSSS!!!
I’VE BEEN MEANING TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS FOR 500 YEARS AND I KEEP GETTING DISTRACTED, BUT REALLY U SHOULD KNOW I AM ONLY EVER THINKING ABOUT VLOG DIRECTION 24/7. So, okay.
When Liam comes onstage at PADDY’S it is to UNEXPECTEDLY HUGE applause and whistling and foot-stamping and he goes all shy and WHO ME? for a sec because!!! he had no idea so many ppl were going to be there!!!!!
The fact is Louis sent out emails to like all his friends telling them to show up because Louis, however she may act, is a bro to the Heart. Geoff and Karen are in front with Lil Whoserface making her wave at daddy. She’s wearing giant earphones like it’s a football game, it’s the cutest thing ever.
“Mum, she’s not allowed to have beer!” says sweet Liam “Dad Jokes” Payne into the mic. EVERYONE LAUGHS. COUPLE MORE SCATTERED “WOO!”S. Louis is quietly tuning her guitar. “Uh well,” Liam says, clearing his throat, “anyway um thanks for coming out tonight. I uh…I like this song a lot so I hope I do it all right.” WHICH OF COURSE HE DOES.
BUT IF I CAN’T HAVE YOU
I’LL WALK THIS LIFE ALO-O-ONE. Even people who have no idea what this song is and how directly applicable it is to Liam’s life find themselves UNCONTROLLABLY MOVED by his passion and talent and like, tangible sadness. Afterwards the applause is insane and Liam tries to like, awkwardly wave and duck offstage but Louis makes him stay and take like 5 bows. When he gets down, he’s enduring his friends’ and parents’ congratulations (KAREN IS CRYING OBVIOUSLY) and bouncing lil whatsername around asking if she liked it, and he glances over and someone is standing by the bar, all alone in this kind of stillness, this space, like everyone around her is blurred and she’s the only thing in focus.
He carefully gives lil whatsername back to his mum and heads over. “Hi,” he says, keeping his voice super neutral. “Hi,” ZAYNA says.
When he says “What are you doing here?” it comes out meaner than he meant, and he wants to apologize, but he doesn’t. “I – saw your tweet,” Zayn says. “I didn’t want to miss it.” “You shouldn’t have bothered driving all this way,” Liam says. “I thought you had work,” and then CURSES HIMSELF for REVEALING THAT HE STILL KNOWS ZAYNA’S WORK SCHEDULE. “I um, took the shift off,” Zayna says, tucking her hair behind one ear. “You sounded – Liam, seriously, you sounded so good.”
LIAM is having a small crisis just from standing near her. It’s always hard to be near her, physically, but luckily it doesn’t happen that often and when it does he usually has a ton of time to prepare for her BIG SHINING EYES and her SKIN and her SMOKY PERFUME and that WARM, SECRET SMILE she gives him sometimes. Not just APPEARING, punching him in the heart, out of nowhere, when he’s still riding his grief about her getting MARRIED and all his ADRENALINE from singing in front of people for the first time since he was a little kid. He feels sort of crazy. He wants to kiss her and yell at her and punch a wall and storm away and fistfight her shitty boyfriend and kiss her, he really wants to kiss her. “Can we, um,” she asks, jerking her chin a little to indicate the back door. “Fine,” he says. “Let me just get another beer.”
Out in the back Zayn has a cigarette in her mouth and her face is all screwed up in the glow of her lighter. Her beanie’s shoved way down over her forehead, and she’s so beautiful when she looks up, breathing out smoke, that Liam wants to fall down on the bricks at her feet.
“So,” he says. He brought her a beer, too. He sets it down carefully.
“I wanted to tell you I’m sorry,” Zayn says all in a rush. “I’m really – I’m so sorry. About the – about– me and, about getting engaged and not telling you, I hated not telling you. You’re my best friend. I hate not talking to you.”
“And – I know I should’ve just, just told you, but it was so – stressful, and, just dealing with it and the, and my family and everything, it was just – I couldn’t, you know? And, I don’t know, maybe I’m making a big deal, maybe you don’t even care but it – seemed like maybe you did, so I just thought I – I don’t know.”
“You came up here because you felt bad for me?” Liam says, after a pause.
“No,” Zayn says. “Not at all, what? No, I just wanted to – talk to you again, and – and I wanted to hear you sing.”
“Well, you saw it,” Liam says. HE’S SO GODDAMN EMBARRASSED. The fact that he sang THAT SONG, and she was right there, watching him do it, feeling SORRY for him, wanting to be FRIENDS, god, it’s so humiliating. Is he that needy? Is he that clearly desperate, that she had to make a three hour PILGRIMAGE down here to make sure he wasn’t DYING OF SADNESS??? UGH!!!!!
“You don’t owe me anything,” he says.
“I know,” Zayna says, her lovely face creasing up in confusion. “I know, I just–”
“And just because,” Liam barrels on, “because I had a stupid, like, long-distance crush on you for five seconds, that doesn’t mean you have to like, come and – it’s not the end of the world, Zayn, like, you’re getting married, that’s fine. It’s great. I’m not up all night crying about it.”
“I know,” Zayn says again. She’s gone totally still and pale.
“I wish you’d told me because we’re friends, that’s all,” Liam says, and he hears his own voice, all superior and awful, rising like they’re in a fight. “Like, I don’t see what this –” gesturing between them, “how this makes any difference, you just showing up here like that’s – it’s not, I mean – and, actually, you know what? Maybe it’s good that you didn’t tell me. It was taking up a lot of space in my head, just, you, and talking to you all the time. So maybe it’s good if it means we’ll, like, take a bit of a break. Because I can’t do that forever, you know? I mean, I can’t just be your backup whatever.”
“You’re not,” Zayn says, almost a whisper.
“I am!” Liam says, and he hears himself laugh, this ugly little laugh. “And that’s fine, I mean, that’s fine on the Internet, but you can’t – it’s mean, Zayn, showing up here, trying to make me feel – what, exactly? Trying to keep me, like, tangled up in your whole thing? You’re getting married. I can’t – I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be your friend right now.”
Zayn doesn’t say anything for a while. Then she kind of nods. She looks really tired.
“You really did sound incredible,” she says quietly.
Then she stubs out her cigarette on the bricks, turns and heads back to her car. Liam watches her go for a second, his hands in fists, his face feeling weirdly hot.
“Was that OUR ZAYN?” says Karen excitedly, craning to see the door as Liam comes back in.
