#viv posts

The day was going so well, so why did it went so downhill tonight? What’s happening to me, he thought, stranded alone in his thoughts.

The group was home together as usual, Adorabat doing her usual drawings when she's bored, Badgerclops making a quick meal for himself and the others, and there was Mao Mao, lounging on the sofa while writing something on a diary he was given from Blue. “Hey y’all! Dinner’s ready!” Badgerclops announces, making Mao Mao’s ear twitch in surprise, looking up to seeing Adorabat swooping towards the kitchen. He smirked at the sight, finishing up on what he was writing before setting the diary in a safe place in the living room.

“Hey, Mao Mao, what’s that notebook for?” Adorabat asks with a mouthful of food, Mao Mao chuckling in an awkward before pointing on his mouth, “Try not to talk when you’re in the middle of eating Adorabat, I don’t want you accidently choking.”

“But Badgerclops does that all the time!” She frowns, making Badgerclops laugh, “See Mao Mao! She learns from me too.” “Yeah, whatever, but back to the question, it’s something that Blue gave me during our sessions.” Mao Mao clears his throat, “What’s in it is only for me and him, for now at least.” 

“Aw… Does that mean me and Badgerclops can’t read what’s in it?” Adorabat looked disappointed, Badgerclops rubbing her back to comfort her, “Hey, it’s best to respect Mao’s privacy. Just like the rest of us.”

“There’s also the fact that, uh, there’s things you don’t understand as well. As much we tell you that, but it's for the best for you Adorabat.” Mao Mao grins at her, before looking at the clock and seeing it was almost ten o’clock. “Speaking of which, it’s almost time to head to sleep. Are you done Adorabat? Or do you want to save your food for tomorrow?” 

“Oh! Uh… I guess I can save it…” Adorabat rubs the back of her head, Badgerclops already getting her dish to store it in the fridge. “It’s okay Adorabat, I got you covered.” “Aw, thanks Badgerclops! I’ll be in my bunk then! Goodnight y’all!” Adorabat smiles brightly, flying to the bedroom as Mao Mao and Badgerclops stayed at the kitchen. The two helped each other clean up the kitchen, before they started walking to the bedrooms to join Adorabat in sleeping. Mao Mao stops for a second out of impulse, looking confused at the moment before looking up to Badgerclops, “Hey, uh, Badgerclops?” “Yeah?” He replies, looking back at Mao Mao to see how he is, tilting his head in the process. “I’m gonna go outside for a night walk. I kinda want to… uh-“

“Do you need me to come with you?”

“N-No! I guess I need some alone time… that’s all.” Mao Mao shrugs, as then Badgerclops nods and gave him a pat on the shoulder, “It’s alright dude. Do what makes you happy.”

Something didn’t feel right about that sentence. Do what makes me happy? What is something that makes me happy? Mao Mao’s thoughts were all over the place when he pondered around the forest near their headquarters. I mean, you have two people that care about you, and it makes me happy. I have a therapist to talk to, feeling somewhat happy when he mentions that I’ve made good progress in recovery. 

Hearing the fluttering of birds breaks his train of thought, looking up from the floor to see… Oh. Mao Mao stares at the piles of chopped wood he cut before, when his dad came over to visit. Something was fueling inside him that he doesn’t understand what is, shaking his head before looking at the night sky. The stars… They make me happy. The fact that they glow no matter what, even if they have ran out of energy to live, their image is still there. 

Mao Mao turns himself around to head back home, trying to come up with more things that make him happy, but his mind drew a blank. I’m not happy. I’m not happy at all. Why even bother thinking of the positives? Nothing’s positive nowadays. But… Blue said that if I surround myself with positivity, negativity won’t matter in the first place. I guess that’s one way to change your perspective, but… how am I supposed to focus on being positive when all I see are negatives? Mao Mao growls at himself, shaking his head before placing his hand on his forehead.

You’re making excuses to be negative. Why can’t you be positive now? Look, you keep an entire kingdom safe! Isn’t that enough? 

Is it really enough though? You’re the reason why you have to protect it. It was your fault that you broke the kingdom’s shield. 

No it’s not! It was the fucking sky pirates fault! If they didn’t go after the fucking ruby, than me and Badgerclops would’ve been damn fine! Why are you acting like this?!

I’m… not happy. Mao Mao’s heart drops at the phrase, and it suddenly feels like something is holding him down, and it weighing him hard. No… Please no. Mao Mao can feel the tightness closing on his throat, his breathing going out of rhythm as he can feel his heart ache. He checks his surroundings and realizes he was already at headquarters. Standing in the living room. 

The feeling is still there, and Mao Mao sits down on the sofa, grasping at the sheets to ground himself, before seeing the diary on the table in front of him. He suddenly remembers what he wrote in the book before dinner, “I’m not that happy right now.”

Those words echo in his head. I’m not that happy right now. He looks at the ground, before seeing a drop of his own tears pouring down his face. I was never happy. I faked all of it. He covers an eye as more tears came in, before his emotions got the best of him. 

He cried silently in the dark living room, trying desperately to not alert Badgerclops and Adorabat. He kept on crying, no matter how many times he thought he was done and over, his overwhelming sadness was still there. I can’t be happy. Why do I bother being happy? His mind was just a hurricane of emotions, before he tries to stand to get out of the room, before tripping onto the floor with a loud thud. 

I’m just the walking meaning of sadness. I can’t stop being sad. I was sad my entire life. My dad didn’t care about me, I lost my tail, I lost everything. I miss Bao Bao. I just want him to come back. I want my happiness-

“Mao Mao?” A voice was heard before he opens his eyes to see Badgerclops and Adorabat. They found out. Oh god, they found out. “Are you okay dude?” Badgerclops asked worriedly, Adorabat seeming scared to Mao Mao’s eyes.

I’m not okay. I’m not happy. I’m sad. I’m the opposite of happy. I lied about being happy. 

Nothing came out of Mao Mao’s mouth, he just stared with his mouth open. It was like he saw a ghost, but Mao Mao couldn’t see anything. He can't process anything on what’s happening, before he felt Badgerclops and Adorabat hug him. He felt something in him, like a door being kicked open forcefully, and only a jumble of sounds came out of him. 

“It’s alright Mao Mao. I cherish you.”

His cry sounded the whole room, sobbing into Badgerclop’s body as he feels the two comfort him. He felt safe to express his emotions, and it was like a boulder was being coming out of his body, finally feeling relieved. “I want to be happy again.” Mao Mao stutters, “I don’t want to be sad anymore.” 

“You will, but you need time man. It’s going to be alright. I promise.”

Mao Mao stood silent. His words can’t express how he’s feeling, so he just held on tighter.